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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
DareDevil223 · 27/05/2020 22:46

This is shitty, your poor son. Be a mother OP, put your son first. How on earth can you stand by and watch this happen? It's beyond me.

TheNavigator · 27/05/2020 22:51

Ok...those posters who are jumping to conclusions about his interest in my daughter are really jumping the gun. Why does favouritism equal something sinister?!

Because a lot of us have experience of our mum's husbands/partners when we were at that very vulnerable (and attractive age). And know how our mum continued to see a child and assumed her husband did too. He doesn't. This honestly has red flags. Your refusal to even countenance it is very normal, but very very naive.

EdwinaMay · 27/05/2020 22:51

All this 'bonding' - he doesn't need to bond he just needs to not be a bully.

Russellbrandshair · 27/05/2020 22:51

Why does favouritism equal something sinister

A step dad who favours his step daughter and treats his step son with open contempt and you wonder why people see this as a creepy red flag? Open your bloody eyes OP! What kind of man treats his step son with such open hostility in front of you no less then has the fcking nerve to tell you you are overreacting? There are red flags all over the place here. The posters who query his relationship with your daughter are right. There is something very disturbing and creepy happening here and when literally everyone is telling you to pay attention to it then chances are you NEED to pay attention to it.

OtterBe4 · 27/05/2020 22:52

@DarlingMarianne
Just because your son isn’t upset doesn’t justify your DHs behaviour, your updates already show you’re minimising it.
You have known this man 7 years, you are aware of how he treats your son yet you married him?!
I’m fuckin mystified why a mother would be with a man like that.

lunar1 · 27/05/2020 22:53

Why am I reading so many posts this week where women are making their children live with men who don't like them. How good is the sex that it justifies letting these assholes ruin your kid's childhood?

expat101 · 27/05/2020 22:54

OP I haven't read your answer as to how he treated your son prior to your marriage. Sadly the same happened next door, although it took her sons (one older than yours, the other would have been the same age, to begin with) to walk out when BF was staying over (and he too gets on fine with neighbour's only daughter) before BF stopped coming up to stay. I believe their relationship is very strained now, and the oldest son will not stay with Mum at all, but Dad, if about.

It seems to me you made the decision to become a parent before you decided to become this man's wife. Now it also seems to me you Son is a decent boy and has done nothing to warrant the conduct from your new Husband. I think for the next few years, your priority is your children and either Hubby pulls his head in big time, or you live in separate homes for now.

That's your choice as I see it.

Dontbeme · 27/05/2020 22:54

He has good relationships with his friends' kids - boys and girls alike. It just so happens that within our family he hasn't really bonded with my son

Let me take a wild guess here but is your son like his dad in looks or manner by any chance? This sounds like your husband is in competition with your son and is attempting to show who the man of the house is. Odd that the only child he is like this with is your son, that he has know since he was 7, how long has this behaviour being going on for, has something changed since you married?

OtterBe4 · 27/05/2020 22:55

@lunar1
I was thinking the same, is it money, sex?
Clearly not kindness or personality!!
No man is worth your child being bullied and demeaned.

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 22:58

I think he is either jealous of your relationship with your son or he doesn’t see your son as ‘macho’ enough to be close to him. Either way I would never allow anyone to treat my son that way! He’s damaging your boy don’t you see that?

You should be sticking up for your son in front of him so at least he knows his mum will protect him. Poor kid.

lymphopenia · 27/05/2020 22:59

I'm so sorry for your poor lovely son. It's a very important age and to be treated in that way could really affect who he turns out to be as an adult. I'm glad he seems okay but everyone can hide feelings, especially uncomfortable ones.

You need to discuss this with your DH, give him an ultimatum and then leave if things don't improve. This is bullying. Nip it in the bud ASAP.

Bringonspring · 27/05/2020 23:00

Normally I roll my eyes when posters say ‘leave him’ but in this case I would

HopeClearwater · 27/05/2020 23:02

some men/dad figures are hard on their sons to impose masculinity in them

Or because their status as top dog is threatened because there’s another male in the house.

OhCaptain · 27/05/2020 23:04

Even if he’s not trying to shag her, which is a possibility IMO, you’re still choosing to keep your son in this situation. Where he’s constantly seen and treated as less than.

All so you can keep a man with you.

Neither of you is coming off well here. You or the prick you married.

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 23:04

I DO stick up for my son, absolutely. I intervened today, we're sleeping separately tonight because I am still so angry. I always do intervene if I feel my husband is being unfair or unjust. To either child! He has made mistakes with my daughter too (though less so) and I don't put up with it.

We have had some humdingers over the kids. My children do know that I am not afraid of him or of calling him out when he is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 23:04

And my first thought when you mentioned his ‘bond’ with your 17 year old daughter was 🚩 of course we are not there to witness this bond but it does sound creepy IMO! I would keep an eye on it Incase he ends up damaging both of yours kids!!

EarlGreyT · 27/05/2020 23:06

defends what he said / did by saying I over reacted, and that he didn't mean anything by it but 'didn't want him to look stupid or get too hot'.

How does he claim that’s a plausible explanation when you ask him why he didn’t say anything to your daughter about not wanting her to “look stupid” or “get too hot” when she wore her wetsuit to the beach on an equally hot day.

I agree with all the PPs who have made comments like Fucking creepy about your daughter. and He has a very unhealthy relationship with your daughter.

I also would be interested to know what his relationship with your children was like in the 6 years you were with him before marrying him. I find it almost impossible to believe there was no indication of his current attitude towards your son in those 6 years.

OhCaptain · 27/05/2020 23:07

You don’t get any medals for “picking up” for your kids or your “humdingers” of arguments about them when you continue to allow them to be put in situations where you have to pick up for them.

StopTouchingYourFaceDave · 27/05/2020 23:10

He's abusing your son and creepy to your daughter

Yup. Just to be clear that means abusing both children. Get rid OP.

I have good bonded relationships with some of my friend's children, they don't get put on a pedestal and I make sure I show no favouritism and let them go their own way. Some I haven't bonded with at all and I make sure I show no favouritism and let them go their own way - I have no urge whatsoever to belittle or bully those children because I am not an abusive controlling arsehole.

Cutangle · 27/05/2020 23:11

I was your son when my father got remarried. The damage that was done has lasted a lifetime. What worries me more is that you were concerned enough to write a thread but then you haven’t taken on anything that has been said.

You. Will. Lose. Your. Son. And god knows how many years of hurt and screw ups he will suffer through before he realises his own self worth. Because that will be the consequence of staying with this man.

MrsL1123 · 27/05/2020 23:12

OP
You absolutely did the wrong thing posting on here, a lot of posters seem to like the confrontation and jump to conclusions a lot

Some of these replies are ridiculous. I don't at all agree with how you DH treats your son, and only sensible advice I can offer you is to sit him down and have a stern conversation with him and explain how his treatment might and probably will affect your son, it's not fair and your poor boy probably feels awful.

I will also add that in a blended family it's not easy and I'm always very conscious and probably over sensitive to how my DH speaks to my children and the tone of voice he uses. Not excusing his behaviour but just saying sometimes I myself get very defensive of certain ways he says things and the words he chooses but think that's probably just me being over protective of my DC! Whereas if he was actually their father I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Hope you manage to talk some sense into him though, and he listens.
💕

DailyKegelReminder · 27/05/2020 23:14

Tell your DH to stop being a bully picking on your son, probably makes him feel like the Big I Am. Honestly, I hate this kind of shit and really dont understand how people can live like this. Your poor DS.

Wing1ngit · 27/05/2020 23:15

When your DC are grown up and gone you can date as many creepers as you like.
This situation is damaging to both of your children, whether you open your eyes to it or not.
There are so many people that have bad feelings towards a parent and the relationship changed forever because their childhood was tainted by a shit step parent being chosen over them.
Your son sounds like such a lovely boy. I would never in a million years be with a man that treated my DS like this.

Russellbrandshair · 27/05/2020 23:17

Hope you manage to talk some sense into him though, and he listens

She already has! That’s why people are being “hard” on her. He told her she was “overreacting” so he clearly intends to do nothing about it and all their arguments about this very topic have yielded exactly ZERO change on his part. He knows how she feels and does nothing to change. Think about how hard it is to change yourself- then think how hard it is to change someone else. For him to change he has to first recognise what he is doing is wrong! He doesn’t even see that fgs.

Notapheasantplucker · 27/05/2020 23:18

I feel really sorry for your sonSad

He might not seem upset, but I guarantee he isn't happy.

That's not fair and I think you need to put your kids first.

Sticking up for them isn't solving the problem, is it.