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Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
Smallgoon · 28/05/2020 01:11

Some of the comments on here about his behaviour towards daughter being 'red flaggy' are a little unnecessary not to mention quite cruel too. The fact that OP has even started a thread shows that she obviously does care about her son, so we should try and be kinder in our replies.

@DarlingMarianne You didn't help matters either when your original post included that daughter has him wrapped round finger and they have special bond etc.. afraid language like that puts words into peoples' mouths. It also appears as though you've backtracked a little on how harsh he is towards your son. Be mindful of what you write and how it could come across.

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 28/05/2020 01:12

@smallgoon - maybe?

I do think the relationship with my daughter is in someway a consolation prize for the fact that he lost contact with his own daughter (now 19) during his very acrimonious divorce. She hasn't seen him in years, to his sorrow.

He also has an amazing relationship with his son who is also 17. Genuinely, he would do anything for him, and his son adores him.

I think my daughter is some sort of compensation for the loss of HIS daughter. He has his son, so doesn't need that 'role' fulfilled. When he chooses to engage (for example, with my daughter, his son, his nieces and nephews etc...) he is a really committed and loyal person and is adored by them all.

It is just my boy.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 28/05/2020 01:16

Sigh, are you understanding the swell of posts expressing sorrow for your son because, yet again, you place your husband in the limelight as a great father and person, defending him.

EugenesAxe · 28/05/2020 01:20

I'm voicing an irrational thought, but when I read the title I thought it was going to be about favouritism from a biological father... I have to say that hearing he is your children's stepfather made me feel a bit creeped out by the fact he favours your DD to that extent. Even if he would never do anything, it would make me question whether this bias has subconscious, unsavoury origins.

OhCaptain · 28/05/2020 01:23

yes I admit that I did marry him last year knowing he favoured my daughter.

Jesus. You’re not fit to be his mother.

Send him to his dad so you, your husband, and your almost adult dd can live his fantasy life.

Smallgoon · 28/05/2020 01:23

@DarlingMarianne That's interesting, because going back to my ex-boss again, he had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and his relationship with them was somewhat strained (which could explain why he was so close to the daughters of his mistress). He also had a son with current wife who he adored, yet he really didn't seem to care for mistresses' son.

I really do believe his issue with your son, is that fact that he is YOUR son. I can't see any other reason for it. Your son to me just sounds wonderful. A mild-mannered lad who you yourself described as the 'easier' child. So what's the issue?

EugenesAxe · 28/05/2020 01:23

Sorry I missed your updated post. OK that changes things quite a bit so ignore my irrational thought. He just needs to be the adult and recognise that having petty objections to your DS is immature and unkind.

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 28/05/2020 01:24

@ProseccoBubbleFantasies

Thete are PLENTY of posts which don't comment on the relationship between your husband and your daughter.

They're all sticking up for your son.

Sadly, you are not.

But they are the most offensive and most off the mark.

There have been lots of posts hinting at sexual interest or worse, abuse of my daughter by my husband. I cannot NOT comment on those!

My issue is my husbands' favouritism of my daughter and his unfair treatment (at times) of my son. I need help and advice over THIS and not some smoking gun!

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply constructively.

I'm sorry for all of you who responded that you were affected, or knew someone well who was affected in the same way.

OP posts:
Smallgoon · 28/05/2020 01:30

OP - I'm sorry you're having to read some really awful comments.

For what it's worth, I believe his relationship with your daughter is much better because he's not threatened by her, and as you said, he may be able to substitute her for his biological daughter with whom he no longer has a relationship.. You said he has a great relationship with his son, perhaps this is also why he doesn't make an effort with your son - he has a son, he doesn't need another, or a replacement.

Doesn't make it OK. I think you can see for yourself in this thread that people are genuinely concerned for your son, and rightly so. You need to have a frank heart to hear with DH and lay down some rules, and an improvement in behaviour (towards your son) which you expect to see moving forward. He is the adult remember. But If nothing changes, I'm afraid I'd have to side with the baying mob on this thread who insist you leave him.

What is your relationship like with his children?

MamaDane · 28/05/2020 01:31

Your poor son.

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 28/05/2020 01:32

@simplysteveredux - No I am not diminishing the harm to my child.

I posted BECAUSE of my son. I literally don't know what to do other than issue an ultimatum,.

Some posters have homed in (erroneously) on a sexual explanation due the fact that he favours my daughter and I have HAD to respond to that.

I have pointed out that he has good relationships, really good relationships with other teenage boys - this is NOT a teenage girl thing as people keep throwing into the mix. I won't respond further on 'creepy' or 'red flag' comments.

My son irritates him at times.. I don't get it. I really, really don't. It HAS become much more obvious since we married.

OP posts:
MoreCookiesPlease · 28/05/2020 01:32

OP your updates are frustrating and baffling. What are you going to do? Sleeping in separate bedrooms will make f*ck all difference to how he is treating your son.

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of guilt and misery for failing to protect your son. Plenty of other posters have warned you again and again. Although your DS doesn't rise to his goading he will know he is the scapegoat. Your daughter will know that she is the favoured one.

And yet all you're doing is spouting repetitive nonsense in defence of him.

What are you going to do?

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 28/05/2020 01:37

@smallgoon - thank you for your comments. In answer, I don't see his daughter at all (he hasn't seen her for years) but I get on really well with his son, 17, who is lovely. And who gets on well with everyone (my 14 year old included).

OP posts:
expat101 · 28/05/2020 01:38

In an earlier reply OP when you touched on your daughter's illness, I recollect that you said he wasn't living with you then.

Has he only moved in with you since the marriage? Is it possible why his conduct towards your Son is more obvious now than it was in the previous 6 years?

Smallgoon · 28/05/2020 01:39

OP your updates are frustrating and baffling. What are you going to do? Sleeping in separate bedrooms will make fck all difference to how he is treating your son.*

Christ, allow her some time to mull things over and decide for herself what the best approach is. There is a marriage at stake here, and just a reminder of the challenging times we are all facing whilst in lockdown.

It's almost as though you guys want her to proclaim right here, right now, that she's going to leave DH.

Give her time.

YappityYapYap · 28/05/2020 01:40

Open your eyes OP. He doesn't act that way with your daughter because he prefers fathering girls, he is a fucking creep that has a weird relationship with your daughter and treats your son like he'd treat your daughter as well if she was a boy. Get him out of your house for both of your children's sake

DeeCeeCherry · 28/05/2020 01:42

I do think the relationship with my daughter is in someway a consolation prize for the fact that he lost contact with his own daughter (now 19) during his very acrimonious divorce. She hasn't seen him in years, to his sorrow

He also has an amazing relationship with his son who is also 17. Genuinely, he would do anything for him, and his son adores him

None of this changes the fact he is a nasty, spiteful bully.

SimplySteveRedux · 28/05/2020 01:48

There is a marriage at stake here

There's the well-being of a teenager at stake too. Yes, the OP needs time to digest but all her posts follow the same stance.

I'm stepping out now anyway as this is far too close to home.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/05/2020 01:51

OP, in fairness, you did say that your dd has him wrapped round her little finger, and he's confessed to a soft spot to her. I found that odd language, or perhaps I just don't get girls and dads or something, that said, I didn't imply anything else.

It's significant this has got worse since you married. It sounds like he knew it would upset you and kept it under wraps, and now he's in a position of power in the household, he's exerting his authority. All of which is deeply unattractive. One temporary solution is he simply does no discipline at all- why do you need him to chide your son if he's a bit lazy or messy? Men who aren't related to the son are a whole heap of trouble in that regard, it's such a common post on mumsnet, and makes me never want to give my children a step-dad. He's not his parent, and he doesn't like him, so no need for him to get involved, let alone raise his voice/be mean to your son. Can't he just shut up for the time being?

This is quite an upsetting thread to read, actually, which is why people have given you such a hard time.

KingSheathBelle · 28/05/2020 01:53

Your husband's need for a consolation prize in parenting is no excuse for belittling you child over the last seven years.

Wake up. Put your children first. And look into the relationship with his daughter, have you asked why there is no contact? Ask what does he do, did he give up and pour all into your daughter to salve his guilt? There is another life behind this.

If you don't know, why not? You married this man and he has a fundamental impact on your children.

KingSheathBelle · 28/05/2020 02:00

This will affect your son son so much and his relationship with women - seeing your daughter wrap him around her finger , and with his own sister, knowing she was favoured and how she manipulated your partner.

He is 14, on the cusp of manhood, and seven years of this simmering away, Sad and his own mother, condoning it.

Your daughter will just think she can manipulate any man because she has with her 'daddy'.

MsDogLady · 28/05/2020 02:02

...when he is being overly hard on my son...told my son he would look stupid...raised his voice...swore under his breath.

This goes way beyond insufficient bonding. This is utter contempt.

He is not a “good man.” He is a despicable man who is emotionally abusing your son, and you are allowing it by staying with him. Your intervening and ‘humdingers’ have been ineffective. This unabated cruelty is damaging your child.

He is perfectly capable of treating both children with kindness and fairness. I assume that he manages not to bully his friends and colleagues.

How can you feel “an amazing connection” with a man who targets your innocent child? I would have shown him the door long ago.

BilboBercow · 28/05/2020 02:34

OP the question is, what are you going to do about this? You've always known he favours your dd, his behaviour towards your son is getting worse and he's not accepting this. What are you going to do to protect your son?

Horehound · 28/05/2020 02:39

Your poor boy. You will push him away if you stay with this man

LivingThatLockdownLife · 28/05/2020 02:44

OP he is the one who has issued the ultimatum. His behaviour towards your son IS the ultimatum.

He is the one who is ending the marriage with his bullshit excuses.

Please see this man for what he is. A nasty bully.

Please stand by your son.