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Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
blueda · 27/05/2020 22:23

It's not an excuse but some men/dad figures are hard on their sons to impose masculinity in them.
Your son could have self confidence issues being around him long term, witnessing the different treatment he gets compared to sister.

Veterinari · 27/05/2020 22:25

He's abusing your son and creepy to your daughter
And he's gaslighting you by making out you've overreacted

He sounds an awful creepy cowardly bully.

Don't be surprised if you lose your DS as he gets older. You don't seem to be doing much to defend him at the moment.

NotKeenOnSwede · 27/05/2020 22:25

And I would feel a bit uneasy about his relationship with your DD

With bells on

emmylousings · 27/05/2020 22:26

I don't think it's abuse, but it's not a good situation. You will continue to feel protective towards your son and it wil drive a wedge between you and DH as it goes on. Your DH must be prepared to discuss it all with you othewise it's going to unravel. I thnk it's a bit hasty and over the top for people to be making insinutations about their relationship btw.

Everythingsr0sie · 27/05/2020 22:26

I have a lovely 14 year old boy and I cannot stand the thought of any adult being this way with him.

It was MANY years ago, but I also had a boyfriend at 15 whose stepdad was awful to him, it was dreadful to see and hear, and impacted on his life greatly.

Don’t stay with this man.

theneighbourswindchime · 27/05/2020 22:26

I didn't want to be the one to raise an eyebrow at his "jokey bond" with your daughter.

I hope it just reads as being creepy.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/05/2020 22:26

If you allow that to continue you will not have much of a relationship with your soon as soon as he is able to leave home.

noyoucannotcomein · 27/05/2020 22:27

Has something changed? Because I don't see why you married him only a year ago after dating for six years, if it's always been this way?

Iloveacurry · 27/05/2020 22:27

Your husband is a knob. So it’s ok for your daughter to do one only, in this case wear a wetsuit, but not your son.

He shouted at your son, said he’d look stupid, and swore under his breath ...

Itwasntme1 · 27/05/2020 22:27

Your husband makes it obvious he dislikes your son, he picks away at him, and bullies him.

You stay with this man. Why?

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:30

I haven't discussed his favouritism with either child. I don't want to draw attention to it, but they are bright kids. I'm sure my daughter knows that she is favourite.

I spoke to my son about it this evening to see if he was alright and to let him know that what happened wasn't OK with me. He also heard me telling my husband earlier in no uncertain terms that it was none of his business if my son took his wetsuit and that he was being ridiculous. My son said he was baffled as to why he had an issue over the wetsuit.

He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened.

OP posts:
Takingontheworld · 27/05/2020 22:30

Thankgod someone else said it.

Fucking creepy about your daughter.

TheNavigator · 27/05/2020 22:30

So your husband has really bonded with your 17 year old daughter.... Huge red flag. Massive. People will shout me down, but believe me, I am sorry that part of your attraction to him was your daughter. It may hurt your pride, but I woulde bet it is the truth.

EKGEMS · 27/05/2020 22:31

Your husband is an adult who can choose where to live and with whom your son can't and he really sounds like the scapegoat and your daughter the golden child. It's despicable and you have to really have a come to Jesus moment with him because this can and will seriously damage your son and your relationship with him. So many,many adults are walking around in so much pain with so much emotional baggage because of situations beyond their control

Spied · 27/05/2020 22:32

So he came into your life when your DD was 11 and DS was 7?
If anything I think it would be more likely he'd have built a bond with your ds and quite difficult to build up a rapport with a teen at that ageConfused.

Im really sorry but I'd be a bit unnerved by it.

31133004Taff · 27/05/2020 22:34

Perhaps you are favouring your husband over your son?

Takingontheworld · 27/05/2020 22:35

perhaps you are favouring your husband over your son?

This with bells on

EdwinaMay · 27/05/2020 22:36

It stems from DH's childhood. There will be something - was he the least favoured child, was he jealous of a popular brother, did he have a bad relationship with his own father and is repeating the friction or jealousy with your son. You need to get to the bottom of it, DH needs counselling and to stop it.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2020 22:36

The only conversation I'd be having with him would be the one where I was telling him it was over.

Your poor children. He has a very unhealthy relationship with your daughter and he dislikes your son. Get the hell away from him (but expect him to want to carry on seeing your daughter on his own. Think about it, OP.)

Russellbrandshair · 27/05/2020 22:39

I’m sorry but hell would freeze over before I allowed a man to treat my child like that. Swearing and muttering about a bloody wetsuit? Wtf is wrong with him- what petulant, childish and nasty behaviour.

I’m shocked you would stay with someone who treats your child as a scapegoat and openly favours his sister. That will affect your son - I’m a therapist and I’m telling you now, it is already affecting him psychologically in a negative manner. Get away from this vile man before he inflicts more damage on your son.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 22:41

Why are you subjecting your son to living with a man who dislikes him?? What's wrong with you?
This has obviously been going on for a while - how can you let it?

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:42

Ok...those posters who are jumping to conclusions about his interest in my daughter are really jumping the gun. Why does favouritism equal something sinister?! He has good relationships with his friends' kids - boys and girls alike. It just so happens that within our family he hasn't really bonded with my son.

She is older, very bright and they share a similar sense of humour. She got quite sick when she was younger (she's OK now) and he I think started to bond with her then, up until that point he wasn't overly close to her either.

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 27/05/2020 22:43

He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened

Kids typically blame themselves and they often don’t want to admit to their parent how it makes them feel because they think it will cause tension between the adults, so they minimise. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because he doesn’t seem upset, he isn’t. Kids internalise all kinds of negative emotions that aren’t their fault.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 27/05/2020 22:43

Why on earth are you still in a relationship with a man who is treating your child like this? Your CHILD!

Destroyedpeople · 27/05/2020 22:43

Don't want to be alarmist but the 'jokey bond' sounds creepy

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