Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 27/05/2020 23:20

So your DD is his golden child and your son the useless, inept, waste of space he has no time for.

Why are you enabling this? Abuse, and it is abuse, has the potential to seriously fuck up your sons self-esteem and ability to forge proper relationships as an adult, as well as impacting his relationship with you, and his sister.

'D'H? Abusive twat more like.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/05/2020 23:21

Even if you stick up for your son, what a horrible environment for him to grow up in.

BarbedBloom · 27/05/2020 23:21

This is ongoing. You have spoken to him several times. Your son probably won't admit to being bothered as you continue to choose this man over him. I also think his relationship with your daughter is creepy. In my work I have dealt with many young women who had this creepy stepdad and how their mother talked about their great bond.

You are failing both of them. It didn't matter how many times my mother told off my dad for bullying my brother, he was still being abused

Original poster
DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 23:22

@cutangle - I am taking on board people's opinions regarding his favouritism and the impact on both kids. I am concerned, and it is more obvious the older the kids get.

This incident today was particularly obvious, and upsetting, which has prompted me to post.

However, I am agape at the posters screaming 'creepy' and 'red flag' just because the child he favours happens to be female. It detracts from the issue.

He became closer to her during, and after, a period of illness. Not when she started adolescence. She went through a tough time and he was upset by it.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 27/05/2020 23:25

@ lunar1 agree.
I commented on a thread earlier in the week about another woman who puts her partner/husband and his needs above that of the kids.
Leave him for the sake of your son. Tell him to stop creeping round your daughter.

Doodar · 27/05/2020 23:30

I couldn’t have a relationship with a man who despised my child, especially for the amount of years you’ve been with him. Your poor lad

Bringonspring · 27/05/2020 23:31

I know you say you push back on your husband but has his behaviour changed in 6 years? It seems not

Dogladyxo · 27/05/2020 23:33

Wow OP

achillesratty · 27/05/2020 23:33

You are resolutely refusing to either confront or acknowledge the damage that is being done to both your children by your husband. Bullying a child is obscene and you are complicit for allowing it.

blackandredball · 27/05/2020 23:34

In all of the responses so far, you focused on an apparent breach of isolation and not the abusive treatment of your son at the hands of your husband? Be a mother and leave

OhCaptain · 27/05/2020 23:35

Can your son go and live with his dad, who hopefully will parent him properly and not let some adult bully him and treat him like shit?

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 27/05/2020 23:35

Believe me when I say your son will never forgive you for staying with a man who treats him like this. You can be unhappy about it all you want but staying is what allows it to continue.
You have an opportunity to limit the damage by taking your son out of the situation now. It’s up to you whether you take it.

doodleygirl · 27/05/2020 23:37

I have read this type of thread a number of times on mumsnet and the OP invariably says they have spoken to the DC who is the subject of the abuse and the child is ok, or they havent noticed or they just get on with it.

All of which is just bullshit. Children know when they are not favoured or mistreated and it will impact on them if not now in the future and it will definitely impact on their relationship with you the mother. You will be the one that let them down.

I think the biggest issue here is that your husband still doesnt see what he has done wrong which means he will continue to treat your son as a second class citizen. You cannot change your DH you can only change what you do.

SimplySteveRedux · 27/05/2020 23:44

Also, OP, I encountered similar as a child, being emotionally abused by one parent with the other enabling it and sport wonderful diagnoses of anxiety, depression and C-PTSD into my 40s. Do not underestimate the damage this elongated behaviour causes. I am unable to have a proper relationship with my father as a direct result, do you want your son to resent you in future years?

Breakingthewaves · 27/05/2020 23:44

This is horrible to read. I can't believe you can't see the problem here. You're choosing this man over your son. Your son is too young to leave home, he has no choice but to either shut up or fight back - he's decided to shut up and take it, for now.
One day he'll leave and hopefully find happiness / counselling. Your son might meet someone and tell them all about this and the consequences of that may be you don't get to see your grandchildren as you may be seen as an inadequate role model.
I'm speaking from experience here, as both my parents chose their partners over me. They don't see their grandchildren, and rarely see me these days.
Your son may also snap one day and that won't be pretty for you when he's a bit bigger and can physically stand up for himself. Are your children close to each other? It sounds like you could talk to them honestly about this and find out how they really feel (if they trust you to not pass it onto your H) Please wake up and deal with this once and for all.

riotlady · 27/05/2020 23:45

Your poor son. The fact that you’re sleeping in a separate room doesn’t undo the fact that he has to live with a man who clearly dislikes him and favours his sister.

Mummymummums · 27/05/2020 23:48

You just keep justifying it and don't seem to have any intention of leaving. Even leaving your DD out of it, the way he treats your son is awful. I just can't get my head round why you, as his mother, have allowed this to go on. If your son came first for you, you'd have left long ago. You've instead chosen a deeply unpleasant adult.

bumblebeefairy · 27/05/2020 23:52

I too wouldn't normally 'jump to conclusions' but also get a bad vibe about his relationship with your daughter. Hopefully I am wrong. But I wonder whether it is his relationship with your son that is detracting from this in a way. Clearly however, that is also emotional abuse.

You need to prioritise both your children in what you do next.

VisionQuest · 28/05/2020 00:00

I think this boils down to jealousy. He is threatened by your son. He seems to want to make a mountain out of a molehill just so he has an excuse to be vile to him. Is he ever nice? Does he ever have time for your son? Or does he always treat him like a massive inconvenience?

Opentooffers · 28/05/2020 00:01

Your DH is just weird, he picked a fight with your son for no good reason, nothing wrong with wearing a wetsuit, I've worn one a lot with my son, they are brilliant and very much needed for cold UK waters, wouldn't be without one, especially early summer, it's freezing. This just shows he was complaining to have a go, like all the other times you've noticed.
Defending your DS each time is not doing anything about it, however, you need to spell out to your DH he has to change his ways ( unlikely), or the relationship has to be over. Sticking with it regardless is poor.

scubadive · 28/05/2020 00:11

You Remarried last year to a man who hadn’t bonded with your son after 6 years!!! WTAF! Why would you do this?

This is heartbreaking for your son whose confidence will already have been massively damaged.

If your son is easy going and still irritates/ annoys your partner, what do you think will happen when your son becomes a stroppy 15/16/17 year old teenager as he no doubt will at some stage.

I think your only hope for your son is for you to leave your partner. Your son will still be damaged forever as he will know why. You should have knocked this on the head years ago. Your partner has no respect for you, you have explained that you are upset, you are not speaking to him and he says you are overreacting! He’s an arse.

scubadive · 28/05/2020 00:15

And he didn’t want your son to wear a wetsuit as he didn’t want him to look stupid....?? On a beach?? Is your partner very image conscious and superficial.

If your son got hot he could take it off, very sensible not wanting to burn.

RoseGoldCloud · 28/05/2020 00:21

So he has a favourite and a scapegoat. Google ‘scapegoating in families’. It’s emotional abuse and you are setting your son (scapegoat) and daughter (golden child) up for a lifetime of issues related to this. You are the enabler. You are letting this happen. Could your children live with their father? They would be better off there.

WombOfOnesOwn · 28/05/2020 00:21

So he bonded with her during an illness when she was an invalid for some time? Did they spend a lot of time alone together? This sounds more, not less, weird and red-flaggy to me.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/05/2020 00:25

It doesn't really matter why he's like this (in that you may never know), what matters is that he IS like this. You don't even say slight favourite- you say hugely favours, so it will be completely obvious to everyone.

This happened in our family. Same dynamic. Didn't end well!

Swipe left for the next trending thread