Nanny keeps bringing her children!

[Mella91]

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

I can think of some cultures where this type of behaviour would be normal, and suggesting children are unwelcome, under any circumstances, would be considered extremely poor manners.

OP should ask the cook what the cultural norms are, if OP doesn't know.

@forsucksfake she’s said turkey in another thread

@Winterlife We are in Turkey and here apparently it is very very rude to not be welcoming and sharing in your house with others.

I have to mention again that our nanny is AMAZING with DS. We had a sitter before and was just not happy. She didn't care for DS and only came to fill hours. Our nanny now enjoys spending time with him, always plays reads and talks to him and asks about him on weekends. When she cooks a soup or something she thinks DS would enjoy she always sends a plate round for him (which is common here - when we first moved here years ago we were shocked by all our neighbours constant knocks with plates filled with food and dessert welcoming us into the neighbourhood)

@forsucksfake We live in Turkey.

@Itwasntme1 That is a lovely idea! If they don't come for a while I might just prepare a nice hamper with junk and send it. I am willing to send anything monthly too - I have always been open to sending food to them (when we go to a pizza joint with dh we always order an extra one when leaving and drop it off to theirs because I know they cannot go and her children love fast food - or when I go grocery shopping and nanny is working I always buy a few items her children will enjoy for her to take home)

A quick text can resolve;

Hi, I’ve noticed that you are bring your children round and have done for a while but this wasn’t what we had agreed when you started.

Ah! My unpleasant experience was in a former British colony where bringing family members to work is definitely not the norm. Glad you ignored my advice!

I just cannot imagine having uninvited teenagers (or people of any age, really) just hanging about, eating snacks, watching TV. I'd find it an imposition, but I might just be selfish.

I really hope things go smoothly from now on. Glad you have found your voice!

I would tread carefully with anything that could offend.

I don't know Turkish culture, but I know that in some cultures, if you sent that, you'd be relegated to pariah status.

I really think you need to ensure you're not offending cultural norms.

Coming for the last hour is a good idea. Now it's Turkish I understand. But you need to keep saying it if they slacken off. Your privacy is a good reason.

Hi Op we used to live in Izmir. Bakaci’s (nannies) are seen a little differently more of an extension to the family rather than hired help so I can see why she is a little confused.

The norm from my experience is not only are children open to visit the home but also female misafir (relatives, friends, neighbours). The benefit to the child is an extended social circle who will genuinely care for the child, also the benefits of becoming fluent in Turkish.
However it is your home and it needs to work for you. If privacy is a concern how would you feel about her caring for your child in her own home like a childminder? Turkish gencler (youths) are generally amazing with children.

when we go to a pizza joint with dh we always order an extra one when leaving and drop it off to theirs because I know they cannot go and her children love fast food

Radical idea, but could you not just pay her a bit more?

I’m not saying paying her over the odds, but if she genuinely struggles to afford some inexpensive treats once or twice a month, tbh it would be clear to me that I was underpaying her.

@Terrible I see your point but it is likely that extra pay to the value of a takeaway pizza would not actually be spent on treats for the children, as there will be other more pressing uses for the money. Giving the pizza relieves the pressure of making that decision and allows them just to enjoy it.

I get that StatementKnickers, but when I think of how I’d feel if my boss dropped off a takeaway because she knew I couldn’t afford it, and yet she was in control of how much I got paid, I’d be feeling very patronised.

I don’t mean that OP should be looking at a significant raise, but certainly enough to cover a few cheap luxuries. If she wants to spend it elsewhere that’s up to her, but the current situation isn’t ideal.

Honestly, and I know this is going to sound bad so I'm not even going to mention what happens, we can all imagine. There a are child safeguarding issues here. I wouldn't want teen boys and their friends having unsupervised access to my house and small child. Things do happen.

she said well I told them they can come now I dont know how to tell them not too

Two obvious questions:

Considering she agreed with you in the first place that she wouldn't bring them, why did she ever tell them they could come?

And what part of "you won't be coming any more" is so difficult for her with her own children?

It's not a cultural sharing of your home its her workplace FFS.

They are taking the piss and she is relying on your ignorance as a foreigner to take advantage.

I've worked around that region and my friend has lived there on and off for many years. Be firm in your expectations as her employer and if she won't stick to the agreed rules then find another nanny. She has to understand as an employee your instructions overule her wishes otherwise there is no trust.

If she thinks you’ve mentioned it because they may have done something wrong, then she’s misunderstood your purpose, and she’ll start bringing them again when she thinks it’s blown over.
Make sure to reiterate it if she brings them again. Be firm and explain that it’s not possible for them to come.

@IHateCoronavirus I find it so funny you typed in English and then a few words in Turkish and then typed the English in brackets and slipped in you were fluent in Turkish. 😂😂😂 love a bit of (not so) subtle brag

Bragging*

@TerribleCustomerCervix The thing is even if I double pay her still she wont purchase junk and snacks for kids but rather use the money to save up for a rainy day! I hate talking about the little help we give her but for Ramadan (a month ago) we payed her an extra wage (which is custom here - you help those who are less of during ramadan) so she could get grocerys for family and she mentioned after that she put it into bank for her daughters education (future university fees).

So I prefer to get the kids the odd treat occasionally whilst trying to help financially where I can even though we do not give extras too much.

It's very kind of you to give her kids any treats. I wouldn't be too kind or too overfamiliar though, this is what leads to her expecting she can let her kids eat your food all day or finish early. Try to keep things professional

Just to highlight Turkish economy. Here minimum wage is around 2,100 turkish money with rent starting at 1200 cheapest. an average weekly shop is around 300 and thats with basic essentials. A kg of meat is 70 turkish money so most familys who earn minimum wage are barely getting by.

And lets not forget most people here are lucky if they even earn minimum wage as so many people earn half of that as employers are not governed. Our nanny earns slightly above what most nannys get

@IHateCoronavirus Yes she does see herself as part of family and has a big deep love for DS.

Yes here the culture is pretty much that, everyone over friendly. Older kids caring for younger kids brotherly sisterly but I was not raised in this culture and would prefer to have my privacy and not have other peoples children always at my house

most people here are lucky if they even earn minimum wage

In which case it's great that you're paying not just minimum wage, but more than the going rate for the job

Beyond that, though, you might want to avoid getting too involved with her private business such as family and finances. From your reluctance to deal with the simple matter of the teenagers' presence it's clear that you're already struggling with the employer/employee thing, so maybe it would be wise not to pitch in any further?

Mella91 I completely understand that.
In that case you will need to be firm but kind and keep reiterating the difference in cultural expectations.

PP are right that it is your home and therefor she needs to respect that. However, bakaci’s are usually not well educated and she is likely to find understanding the importance of privacy as alien as if you asked her to keep her shoes on in the house. She will just not have the cultural reference for that expectation and it will go against the only socialisation she has ever known.

I think it is not specific to her and you would be hard pushed to find a bakaci who properly gets it from an ex-pat point of view. The only thing I could suggest is maybe asking around the ex-pat community?

Is remaining in Turkey something that is on the cards, or is it a temporary arrangement, like a NATO posting etc. I only ask because if you are planning to stay long term would it be beneficial to DC to be aware of Turkish custom/socialisation? It might help them navigate socail circles confidently as they get older.