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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nanny keeps bringing her children!

264 replies

Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:04

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

OP posts:
Spied · 27/05/2020 13:20

I'd probably start by hiding all snacks and turning off the wifi.
If they still don't take the hint then I'd have to say that her bringing her teenagers isn't really on.

Aussiebean · 27/05/2020 13:35

Can you message her and tell her that way?

Looneytune253 · 27/05/2020 13:43

Surely currently you could actually use the covid as an easy, harmless way of telling her. The risks to yourselves and your ds are too high to have extra people in the house

mcmooberry · 27/05/2020 13:53

This is very awkward that is has gone on so long and has now escalated if they are off school. A total cheek from the nanny. I assumed when I read the title that you were talking about young children and she was forced to bring them due to lockdown.
Please tell her sooner rather than later, it absolutely has to stop, it is ridiculous!

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 27/05/2020 13:54

Change WiFi password. stop buying the snacks and drinks they like maybe they will just stop coming? Or have the chat with her about it.

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/05/2020 13:58

Why is your husband leaving you to deal with it?

AnotherBoredOne · 27/05/2020 13:59

You have not stopped her. Do it or get hubby to do it or this will continue. There is no need for teenagers to be in the house.
I would be looking for someone new, they can't be trusted sorry.

Ellisandra · 27/05/2020 15:46

Now is absolutely the time to deal with it (TODAY, now) because you not working because of the virus means she has no useful threat of leaving you in the lurch. Lots of time to replace her with someone who doesn’t take the piss. I’d be inclined to get rid anyway - she’s going to be nothing but trouble, given this isn’t the only issue.

StormTreader · 27/05/2020 17:19

If you can't do it then ask your husband to do it, thats what teamwork is.

B1rdbra1n · 27/05/2020 17:41

@Mella91

Also we do not live in England. I am an expat living abroad so we have no contracts and insurance here
is her conduct 'normal' in the country that you live in?
LucyFox · 27/05/2020 17:43

You have 2 choices:

  1. tell her that there’s a problem & your children are not welcome to be in your house eating/drinking your stuff
  2. let it carry on like this infinitely

I suppose there IS a 3rd option, change the wifi password, then figure out the cost of all the snacks they eat in a week & deduct it from her wages.

SWS17 · 27/05/2020 18:11

If you are minded to retain her, have an authentic and honest conversation with her. I know you don’t like confrontation but sometimes you have to put that aside if it is in the interests of your family’s wellbeing.

Don’t hide behind Covid 19 or DBS checks or any other excuse. Your relationship with her won’t benefit from half truths. She is in the wrong but you are the employer and you need to be the bigger person here. Be honest and refer back to the fact that having her children at her place of work is not and has never been permitted.

However, given that she is so flagrantly breaching a rule which you had clearly laid down, I would have significant reservations about continuing the relationship.

Sparklingplasters · 27/05/2020 18:15

They have had it to nice for too long, they won’t take hints you need to spell it out. Blame coronavirus, then after lockdown is restrictions are removed say that you prefer it when she is alone, not with teens.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/05/2020 18:51

I wouldn’t keep her on. She will inly be resentful when you reinforce the boundaries. For her the current situation is normal, when it changes she’ll be feeling shortchanged.

MsDogLady · 27/05/2020 20:14

Who is in charge here?

Your employee does not respect your boundaries. You have allowed her and her teenagers to control the narrative regarding your home and your baby.

This is not the type of person I would trust with my child.

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 21:48

I hope the silence is because of a time zone difference and not because you’ve let her get away with it again!

User73688823 · 27/05/2020 22:00

I have some sympathy OP, a lot of us have never ever had to deal with this sort of thing - we grew up in an orderly world where either rules were followed or the rules were imposed ON us. We had a cleaner who overstepped various boundaries and in the end we manned up and said her services were no longer required, but I remember a) I got the OH to do it and b) he was so stressed out he couldn't sleep the night before.

You say you're not in the UK so there might be all manner of cultural expectations going on here - if you were in the UK I'd say start looking for another nanny, because this one can't be trusted to keep to the rules and you don't want someone you don't trust in your own home. But check with an expats forum.

mathanxiety · 27/05/2020 22:04

If you feel bad about it, maybe you could offer a two weeks wage payoff to tide her over until she gets another job. Or even more than two weeks if her prospects are limited. Would this negatively affect your own finances?

JumpingAtJackdaws · 27/05/2020 22:27

Have you see the recent film Parasite? Sadly your nanny doesn't respect you. Do you really want somebody in your house, caring for your child, who doesn't respect you?

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/05/2020 22:29

@noyoucannotcomein and@BDDandpregnancydontmix, originally her husband was in her home country looking after their children. He came over on holiday - we sponsored him, and rather predictably, didn’t go back and stayed on illegally (which she denied). I said he couldn’t stay with us and offered her more money to live out, but she preferred to continue living in. It all ended very messily with her getting pregnant and me sacking her for gross misconduct (unrelated to the pregnancy), and her husband turning up one day to threaten our new nanny.

Original poster
Mella91 · 28/05/2020 07:43

Hi,

I actually wrote the same thing here into a forum in this country just to see the different opinions and most people here think I am being unreasonable!

"Its just food stop being stingy. If our nanny looked after my child so well I wouldn't care if she ate the house. You are clearly better financially so whats the problem etc."

For me the food part has never been the issue (even though sometimes we look for snacks and cant find them) its more the fact I don't want other peoples children in my house.

Yesterday morning she came alone (her children usually come around when they wake) and around 11.30 her children rang. She said oh they are coming round. I said is there a problem in your house and she said no why? I said I dont understand why they are always here (I was DYING inside - its so hard for me) and she said no they just enjoy coming round and love seeing your baby. I said oh ok its just when we first spoke I mentioned I didnt want children around. She then said have my children done anything to harm you (not exact words but I cant translate) I said no its just that I like my privacy and this was something important to me which is why I mentioned it. She kept saying the same thing 'did my children do something' etc. So then eventually she said well I told them they can come now I dont know how to tell them not too. I said tell them today to come at 4pm see him for an hour and that I would be happy if she could speak to them and tell them that this is your job and most adults cannot take their children with them.

It was awkward all day, she was off but more in a upset way. Shes back today, in better spirit and so far no mention of kids. I will keep you updated

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 28/05/2020 07:44

I also spoke in a jokey way - I'm sorry but I couldnt do it serious as I felt so mean. So my tone was more 'oh ok, I thought there was something wrong with your house' etc

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/05/2020 08:31

Well done, OP but I can’t believe she tried arguing her corner doesn’t bide well. She clearly thinks you’re in the wrong Hmm
Imagine doing that in any other job.

forsucksfake · 28/05/2020 08:40

I would love to know what country this is! The mores/customs sound so very different.

Itwasntme1 · 28/05/2020 09:10

When the diet settles, and you are sure they have respected your wishes, you could send them a care package of snacks to enjoy in their home.

I know I am being soft, but I hate to think of them loving in poverty when they know others have so much.