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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nanny keeps bringing her children!

264 replies

Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:04

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/05/2020 07:47

She might be good with your baby but she doesn't sound good otherwise. Trying to slope off early and bringing her teenagers to mooch off you all day. Stop being a mug

Corruptedtongue · 27/05/2020 07:49

I think - as a property owner - you can be liable if someone has an accident on your property - so as she is a regular employee, and her children are coming round regularly - can you use a bit of ‘official stuff’ to avoid an awkward conversation??

copycopypaste · 27/05/2020 08:04

I had this with a nanny, she was great to start with and I also paid her extra to clean the house once a week for me.
Started off fantastic and the dc loved her, then she started to ask me if she could take the dc to her house, her gc were there and my dc knew them, then her gc would come to my house, then weeks would go by without her cleaning the house.

I started off small asking her when she's clean the house each week, then I'd start to ask if she could replace the snacks and food that her gc ate (yes she'd feed them tea from my cupboards. Feeding 4 kids instead of 2 really impacted).

However teenager is taking the piss. If you can't face her, can you text her?

LittleWing80 · 27/05/2020 08:05

You had really good advice here, however she sounds like a user who couldn’t care less about what you say. Have you started looking for someone else? Lockdown aside in any other work settings, her behaviour would be gross misconduct. She is not even ‘innocently’ taking advantage of a loophole, you told her when you hired it not to do it, if this condition was a deal breaker for her, she Should have turned the job down.

I am not sure if she is ever on her own in the house ie both you and hubby work and you have no choice but to be out but I wouldn’t leave my baby there with teenagers coming and going. As a PP said, when you speak to her, she could just agree and do it later anyway like she has already done.....

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2020 08:07

Why are they helping themselves to your drinks and snacks, did you offer or did they ask? Agog that you didn't shut this down from day 1. Why not text her right now saying they're not to come today.

Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 08:28

@Myfriendanxiety yes we spoke about it before. When I am home she does the odd ironing, kitchen cleaning or making DS food etc. This is how we agreed. Also someone mentioned that I could be underpaying her (because she cannot buy her own snacks) thought this was quite mean. I could never underpay someone. We pay her slightly above the average wage (not too over but never under)

We live abroad due to DH work and here people are not financially to well of sadly. Her husband works and so does she but I am assuming their combined wage just goes towards basic food, rent clothes etc. Snacks (crisps chocolates drinks etc) are a little of a luxury here

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 08:38

@pinkyredrose She never asked. It started with the once a week, I would come to find her son lying around with a bag of nuts and drink. At the time I didnt mind as thought it was a rare off, but when it starts to become everyday and 2 teens its really taking its toll.

Also the culture here is very different, people are always giving and sharing so she may just assume its food, they have plenty lying around etx

OP posts:
MoveOnTheCards · 27/05/2020 08:44

I can understand how it might be hard for you to be direct with her but, having been unhappy with a nanny myself in the past, you need to ask yourself, if you can’t have a conversation about your concerns, or trust her to listen to what you say, how can you trust her to look after your child? You really do need to tackle this.

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2020 08:44

Tell her now not to bring them today! She's taking the piss!

spotlighton · 27/05/2020 09:11

WHY doesn't your HUSBAND deal with this? Or is he not involved with your child at all????

BertiesLanding · 27/05/2020 09:31

@Davespecifico

I disagree Bertieslanding. The nanny caused the problem by doing something unprofessional and unusual which puts the OP in an awkward situation that she never asked to be in.
I didn't say the nanny wasn't being unprofessional. But she would have been out ages ago if I were her employer.
Winterlife · 27/05/2020 09:38

OK, so it sounds as if cultural issues are also at play here.

Perhaps speak to someone else from the culture in the country you're in to know how to deal with this effectively.

Skyla2005 · 27/05/2020 09:38

You said she treats your son really nicely and looks after him as you do. This is a very hard thing to find in my opinion. Does it really matter ? Is it a bit unkind to stop her kids coming because they like your house ? They arnt doing any harm are they ? You could fall out with her and hire someone with no kids that does nothing nice with your son and is not kind to him what would you rather ?

Tappering · 27/05/2020 09:39

Sit her down:

When you first started working for us, we made it clear that you could not bring your children with you. Despite this have been here quite regularly. This is not what we agreed and it needs to stop straightaway. Please do not bring with you again.

If she says that they enjoy playing with your DS etc. Then reply: That is still not what we agreed. should not be here and you need to stop bringing them with you. If this is too difficult for you then tell me and we will find a new nanny to take over from you.

All said nicely, politely, non-confrontational, but firmly. She is taking the piss out of you and the more she walks all over you, the less she will respect you because you're being a doormat. Put the boundaries back in place - she's an employee and if she cannot follow some quite reasonable rules, then she needs to be replaced.

Tappering · 27/05/2020 09:42

Is it a bit unkind to stop her kids coming because they like your house? They arnt doing any harm are they?

No it's not - it's OP's house and she's quite within her rights to set boundaries for who does and doesn't come into it.

As for not doing any harm - probably not. But OP is paying the nanny to look after her child - not the nanny's kids. It's common for nannies who do bring their children with them to get paid less, in recognition of the fact that their attention won't be 100% on the employer's kid(s). OP specifically said to the nanny that she didn't want her to bring her kids with her - and they are old enough to be left - so why should OP have to put up with it?

JudyCoolibar · 27/05/2020 09:43

The more you say about her, the more it sounds like it's time to let her go.

JudyCoolibar · 27/05/2020 09:45

Is it a bit unkind to stop her kids coming because they like your house? They arnt doing any harm are they?

It will inevitably mean that she spends at least some time paying attention to them when she is supposed to be devoting her attention to OP's child. Worst case scenario, she's sorting something out with them and doesn't notice OP's child doing something dangerous.

Shortfeet · 27/05/2020 09:45

Well this is quite a sad thing.
It seems you are quite well off and she isn’t . That’s awkward for you.

Her kids like your kid and your house which sounds a lot nicer than their own.

I can totally see why you feel bad about tackling this situation.

But you either have to tackle it or put up with it.

spotlighton · 27/05/2020 10:14

I think one of the main issues is that you are (probably?) and developing country, of at least one where you are very very well off compared to her and her family.
In these situations is is very usual for the rich family to become patrons of the poor family - of course this is not always the case.
I wonder if you give her a pay rise it might make you feel more comfortable managing her better?
Then she could afford decent Wifi and food for her children and they won't need to come to work with her?

Chamomileteaplease · 27/05/2020 10:28

Two things:

1 Whilst your child likes this woman, try to get it into your head that it is very likely that you would be able to find someone else your son likes just as much. this woman is not unique. Try not to be afraid of losing her as that will give you inner power and strength.

2 Secondly, looking at examples from this thread, get your sentence ready as to what you are going to say to her. Soon! Concentrate on thinking how proud you will be of yourself afterwards. Have a celebration if you like! You are no longer a doormat! That is cause for celebration!

Get your sentence ready, take a deep breath and DO IT!! Smile

Keitepeheakoe · 27/05/2020 11:21

Sounds like you need a new nanny

noyoucannotcomein · 27/05/2020 11:26

Bringing not only her own kids, but another child in to your home, eating and drinking your food, etc. doesn't it make you wonder what other lines she might be crossing?

Dontletitbeyou · 27/05/2020 11:52

Looking at your update , I’d get rid . Yes she treats your DS well , there’s many nannies who will do the same without forever trying to finish early , bring their kids etc , esp as you said from the start this was not what you wanted .
Look for a new nanny , one that respects you and your boundaries . Also go through an agency , they tend not to have nannies like this on their books , as they reflect badly on their agency . Also nannies that are qualified and are genuinely good at what they do , sign up with agencies as they negotiate a better deal on their behalf .
Straight up , if it was me , I’d tell her the arrangement is not working for you , and find someone who understands what you are looking for . Make it very clear at the interview exactly what is and is not acceptable , and go from there .

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 13:09

What happened today?

RandomUser3049 · 27/05/2020 13:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.