Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

252 replies

CheeryCherry · 26/05/2020 08:55

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 26/05/2020 09:00

Cheery I think at this point the wanting to move so fast is a bit more concerning.

He sounds a little more than 'a little insecure'

It isn't about being narrow minded. If you are not attracted to him now, how will it be in a year or twos time.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 26/05/2020 09:03

Thank you, I’m finding it difficult to work out my feelings. He is a genuinely nice bloke, and we do have fun. It does seem to be his character to act quickly if he feels things are right, whereas I’m far more take-my-time. Ugh!

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 26/05/2020 09:05

Argh, please, for your sake and his, let this one go!

You aren't that fussed about him, you evade his talks about the relationship, you don't feel excited about the future with him and you don't even fancy him.

If I had a magic wand and could resolve this any way you wanted, I'm betting you would choose that the two of you had split up, no fuss and that he was perfectly happy about it.

End it, and you can both go off and look for people you're more suited to. I give you permission 😁

PicsInRed · 26/05/2020 09:05

"I'm insecure" is crazy man code for "love bombing controller".

formerbabe · 26/05/2020 09:08

You don't owe anyone a relationship and you don't owe anyone a relationship because they're 'nice'. He probably isn't by the way from how you've described him.

AquarianSquirrel · 26/05/2020 09:09

It depends what you want out of the relationship. If you were equally keen 18 months isn't quick to move in with someone. I moved in with my fiance 4 months after we met (albiet at his parent's first), which is quite quick but it worked for us.

However, the problem is the mismatch in expectations of you both. With him wanting to settle down and you not being as keen. Fancying likely matters less when you're older but I'd say there does have to be some sort of spark there to make it work. In this case it seems unfair to stay together when he's more into it than you? That being said, perhaps one partner in a relationship is often into the other more?

RainbowDash101 · 26/05/2020 09:09

Where is he living at the moment? Do you own your property? How is he not your usual type? What do you mean by he has a great personality? Only been dating a few months and known him 18 months seems too early for me :/

Dozer · 26/05/2020 09:10

His behaviour doesn’t bode well, isn’t appropriate for the stage of dating you’re at, and is unattractive. And you’re not physically attracted to him.

Why are you pressuring yourself to date him? He may be nice and you may get on well as friends, but you don’t owe him a relationship.

I sometimes did similar in my teens and early 20s, ignored my feelings/thoughts and instincts because a a man was keen. We are often socialised to “be polite” and put others’ wishes first. No good comes of that!

BecomingMe · 26/05/2020 09:11

Back out of this one straight away. It’s not fair on him.

JessicaDay · 26/05/2020 09:15

It won’t work out.

Buggedandconfused · 26/05/2020 09:19

Don’t go there OP. It won’t end well. Physical attraction is essential!

Dozer · 26/05/2020 09:21

Also, he may or may not be “lovely, romantic, thoughtful”. The behaviour you describe doesn’t sound like any of those things.

Innitogether · 26/05/2020 09:21

In my experience trying not to be narrow minded and going for ‘personality’ when there is no physical attraction never works. I spent 6 years with someone I wasn’t sexually attracted to (he was good looking, but I even hated the first kiss, I overlooked it because I kept telling myself that sex ‘wasn’t everything’). It’s one of my biggest regrets in life that I didn’t let my gut feeling have the final say.

He’ll be upset, but I would end it now, and maybe don’t stay friends, he sounds like someone who might keep pestering or hoping for you to get back together.

blubberball · 26/05/2020 09:23

I made the mistake of being guilted into a relationship with someone because I wanted to be "nice". Luckily it was a long distance relationship, and when things got heavy and he was suddenly buying a flight to be with me the next day, otherwise he'd have to kill himself, I had to put the brakes on and call it off. Tried to go back to being just friends, but it didn't work out. Any way, I did us both a massive favour by not continuing out of politeness. I don't want to ever make that mistake again.

Do yourself and him a favour and end it if he is not what you really want.

Susanna85 · 26/05/2020 09:28

You don't have to be in a relationship with him because he ls a nice guy.

It sounds like this will make you miserable if it continues.

MrsEricBana · 26/05/2020 09:30

Oh this is a no brainer, sorry. You're just not that into him so it's kindest to him to let him down gently while you move on and hopefully find someone where these feelings are mutual. Don't think, just because you are in your 50s, that this is as good as it gets. Good luck.

Dery · 26/05/2020 09:31

My mum and stepdad met in their late 50s. They got on like a house on fire and there was a strong physical attraction. You don’t have to forego that just because you’re middle-aged!

As PP have said, you don’t owe him a relationship. Sounds best to call it a day.

Gobbycop · 26/05/2020 09:33

Yes, he sounds way too needy.

You need attraction in a relationship or you may as well just be friends.

merryhouse · 26/05/2020 09:45

Seriously, you don't go out with someone as a cookie.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 26/05/2020 09:56

Fancying likely matters less when you're older

Shock

Fuck off! (Meant kindly.)

Seriously? You seriously think simple physical desire doesn't matter to people in their fifties? (An infinite number of question marks.)

OP It's been said already but you don't owe anyone a relationship. You don't need to 'work out your feelings'. The only reason to start or continue a relationship with someone is that you're completely besotted with them.

BertiesLanding · 26/05/2020 10:01

I'm finding it difficult to work out my feelings.

See that there? That's the aim of love-bombing (even when it is done entirely unconsciously): to move quickly so as to discombobulate and overwhelm the object of one's desire. Your 'lost feelings' are actually your barometer: slow down. Better still, step back entirely. This is not for you. He is not for you.

pinkyredrose · 26/05/2020 10:03

You're not happy in this relationship so end it.

TorkTorkBam · 26/05/2020 10:07

End it. Not a keeper. The sooner you set him loose the better. It's not fair if he thinks there is a future, getting more and more invested. It will only get harder. End it as "It just isn't working for me."

Abbey245 · 26/05/2020 10:33

He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can or does he just think that he will never find someone else, particularly if he is insecure, and therefore wants to cling on to the relationship with you. I dated a guy like this once, we were mid 30s and he thought i was his last chance of happiness. Actually after I finished with him he quickly found someone much more suited to him than me.

As pp have said, you need to finish with him so that you can both find someone more suitable.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/05/2020 10:46

What's wrong with being friends?

If he's a nice guy and you like him and you get on well - why can't you just be friends? Hang out, go for meals, talk, have fun, but not have to bring sex and a relationship into it?

Is it because he's desperate to be in a relationship and is cantering you through all the usual stages of getting to know someone? Because he wants to be in there, feet under the table, being catered for and attended to in swift order, before you realise what he's really like? If he's needy and insecure, it won't be long before he's starting to accuse you of seeing other men whenever you're late home..

Sorry. Maybe projecting a little bit there. But anyway, why not friendship if you don't fancy him? His answer to that will be telling...