Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

[CheeryCherry]

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

It’s perfectly fine if you’re not actually interested in fancying him. If you’re not bothered about sex and intimacy and you and he are happy with companionship and just having a nice time together, then that’s fine.

If you or he wants more than that then you definitely need to end it now, as it isn’t fair on either of you otherwise.

Please don’t settle. I ran away from an abusive marriage and settled for a “ nice” man who was obsessed with me and was so wonderful with my 2 small children. It was good life except... I had no sexual feelings
Eventually I had to confront this and even though he said he didn’t mind and wanted us to stay together I had to finish as life is not a dress rehearsal
I met my husband when I was 48 and the physical attraction was/is wonderful even after 16 years together. You are never too old to experience it.

Also, I agree with the “ live bombing controller” comment. I have seen my previous partner continue this repeatedly over the last 16 years even at the age now of 70.

Argh sorry I only skimmed OP and somehow missed that he’s fallen in a big way.

You need to end it; there’s nothing else you can do. You don’t feel that way about him and it’s hugely cruel to him to keep pretending. And you’re also painting yourself into an extremely unhappy place in the future.

I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??
That is entirely your call OP.
I wouldn't want to bother if I didn't fancy someone and they wanted a proper relationship with me.
Anyone who gets involved with me knows right up front that I never want to live with a man again.
I'm 50+ and have wonderful friends and family already.
There would no point to someone coming along who I didn't fancy.
Life is way too short for that.
I am honest and blunt up front so they know where they stand.
If they don't like it then they can go away!
Be honest with yourself about what you want from this.
Then take it from there.

Thing is op, do you want to have sex with him? Do you think you'll still want that physical intimacy with HIM in a decade? If you're not attracted to him how will that work? Even if sex is off the table, what about kissing and cuddling? Holding hands? How does that feel when you think about HIM and not just now but for the next decade or two?

How long has he been single before you?

Thank you everyone for your comments.
It’s interesting that the word ‘controlling’ has come up - my last relationship with exH was incredibly controlling right up to the end (and still is on occasion but that’s another tale) and I never realised it was happening at the time. I don’t think I’m naive but I truly accepted things for a long time.
Now it’s been mentioned again ... and I hadn’t thought that it could be happening again.
I do own my own house. He rents in a communal house, has done for around 8 years. He has said he wants a proper long term relationship, hence the need for moving in and moving on.
On the other hand I’m not that fussed about a long term relationship - this has joy just become apparent. Or maybe I just don’t want a long term fix with him?
I have always relied on physical attraction, but was wondering whether I was just being shallow hence giving this a go.
I think you are all right, I’m finding his neediness awkward now and not comfortable.

I don't fancy him
Does that matter
Of course it matters! stop stringing the poor guy along and let him find someone who can reciprocate the same love towards him.
Sadly after 18 months of being with you he's now completely in love with you. Surely you must have seen that coming. He'll be heartbroken and probably won't be wanting to find anyone else, he thought he had a future with you.
At his age time is of an importance, don't waste any more of his time, let him go.

He lives in a shared house.

You own your own home.

That may account for his eagerness to move in.

If you don’t fancy him now , you never will !!
This has NO wings
Sorry 😐

He is pressurizing you to move in. That's not ok.

It will also make him seem even less attractive.

No, don't settle for someone you don't fancy. You're not dead below the waist.

Who lives in a room in a shared house at his age? It's quite unusual, and maybe shows that mentally he doesn't have his shit together.

You want someone to date and have fun with, he wants to get his feet under your table.

You're are not compatible. Look for someone else who wants the same thing as you.

He shares a house as his previous partner wiped him of all his savings etc.
To clarify, we’ve been friends/chatty for 18months - we were both seeing other people - but have only actually been seeing each other about 3 months. Got me it’s early days but for him it’s zoom zoom zoom.
I did discuss I was finding it too quick and he accepted that, but soon went back to planning buying a wardrobe, bringing books over etc.
I feel so bad - he’s a nice guy - but you’re all right, it’s going to end up being cruel if I keep it up.

Fancying likely matters less when you're older
Said by someone who can only ever imagine fancying someone young and sculpted!

It may take more of a leap of the imagination, but yes, it is possible to fancy people who are not going to win any beauty contests. Even in your 50s!

OP, it took me a little while to work out what it is about my bf that's quite so fanciable , but there was always something about him I liked, and within a couple of months I was definitely very into him.

Your guy sounds a bit OTT for me, and you sound like you're being pushed too fast.

I do own my own house. He rents in a communal house, has done for around 8 years

🚩🚩🚩 Don't marry him or even let him get his feet under your table. Marry him and he'll take half. Let him move in and it'll take 3 beefy cops to drag him out.

He shares a house as his previous partner wiped him of all his savings etc.

8 years ago and it's still all her fault eh? sure she did.

He’s a lovebombing wannabe cocklodger and you don’t fancy him.

If you are in your 50s I think it's even more important that you don't settle.
You have to spent the last half of your life ticking as many boxes as you possibly can.
A needy bloke who you don't fancy...absolutely walk away.

In your 50s, the rush is usually over. You're not usually going to have kids with the new person, so no need to move in with them or buy a family home. You can just enjoy one another's company.

A lot of people rent- but in their 40s and 50s they usually rent a flat rather than a room. It doesn't even cost that much more. Maybe it's a sign he doesn't like his own company and has to have people around him. Oh and of course being in a shared house often means people have less bills to sort out as they can come as part of the rent, so if he can't manage the basics of organizing his water, gas, electric etc it's done for him.

PicsinRed is right. I can see why someone might rent a room for a few months while they saved for a deposit for a flat, but that's it. You don't need any more savings than that to do so.

Most people have separated at some point but they still go on to rent their own space.

If he’s been v negative about his ex, that is yet another red flag about him. Unless you’ve heard her side of the story.

I do own my own house. He rents in a communal house, has done for around 8 years. He has said he wants a proper long term relationship, hence the need for moving in and moving on.

Bingo! And yes, he is controlling and manipulative. Constant trying to manoevure you into him moving in. Controlling.

He shares a house as his previous partner wiped him of all his savings etc.

He's in his 50s. And he didn't own his own home before that, and it's been 8 years and he still hasn't sorted himself out? Sorry, I doubt very much that that's the story - although it's an ideal way to get you to feel more sorry for him.

Look, you do not want a relationship with him deep down, you don't fancy him, the only thing keeping you there is some fairly successful manipulation, it seems.

Please get rid - this can't improve really.

18 months in... and you don't even fancy the bloke.
What are you doing, OP? SMH

Do you know, just reading it all back, it all looks soooo fishy yet I’ve not been able to see that? He is needy and I’m not. He’s rushing and I’m not. He’s in love and I’m not.
I bet you all see this as being an obvious answer - yet I’ve been unable to see it!
The wonders of MN... thank you.
Now just to broach the subject... he’s seeing his dad for the first time in 9 weeks today and can’t wait to tell him all about me

That could be a way to broach the subject, then. "Um, Mike, maybe you shouldn't mention me to your dad..." /Why?/ "Well, you know, I've been having second thoughts ..."