Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

[CheeryCherry]

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

If he’s been in a shared house for eight years and he’s in his 50s, no wonder he can’t wait to move in.

What happened with the woman who took all his savings?

BecomingMe apparently she was a gambling addict so accrued credit card debts which he ended up paying off when they sold the house as she couldn’t pay them. So he ended up with nothing.
ravenmum it’s too late! He met him this lunchtime... oh so awkward and awful.
I’m not into confrontation

I don't understand why you'd be with someone you don't fancy. It's so important (and fun) in a relationship. I've been in 2 longer term relationships since I got divorced and have fancied the pants off both of them. I wouldn't stay otherwise.

Regardless of other red flags, why are you settling?

You're not a service provider OP.

There are a lot of nice people out there, it's not your duty to be bagged. Also, be kind to yourselves, if he's nice as you say, tell him...

I find that many people forget the true purpose of dating. It's about meeting someone and seeing how well you both connect in various situations. Over time you discover what is possible for you both. After dating for some time, it is perfectly reasonable to discover that the pair of you, if you connect, do so only as mates, good friends, in a limited relationship, or more. You cant force what is not. Forcing a situation so as not to hurt, is acting out of fear. Decisions based on fear, rarely lead to good outcomes.

You know the answer.

He’s in love and I’m not.

NO. Stop thinking like this - he's overwhelmingly more likely to have his eye on a soft landing.

He's pushy and manipulative, angling constantly to move in. That's NOT the behaviour of a secure, sensible person who feels they've found someone they could really be happy with. That person would be less pushy, not pushy at all. They'd want the relationship to go at its own pace.

His behaviour does not suggest love, it suggests seeing a good bet.

So stop feeling guilty - he is working VERY hard to tie you to him emotionally as quickly as possible - get out.

Never date someone you dont fancy. Maybe one date to get to know for sure if you fancy them or not because sometimes the personality swings it. But if theres nothing there there is nothing there.

How on earth have you got yourself into this situation? This isnt the 1900s where women just accepted their lot in order to survive. Come on now, give your head a wobble.

He also sounds like he is love bombing and future faking. Creepy fucker.

Run for the hills.

Agree that if he was really head over heels with you rather than your house he'd be extra careful not to get it wrong, rather than quickly trying to get well lodged in place asap.

Confrontation is shit, but like pulling off a plaster it is also quick! I'm sorry, I'm not feeling a spark. I think it's best to end it now rather than later. Sorry, my mind is made up.

He's looking for a housekeeper/cook as well as love interest if you ask me.

Dating for 3 months and picking out wardrobes??? No no no

This is no judgement on you but really, why have you not immediately nipped that in the bud and laughed him out the room

Does he know your relationship history? Just tell him clear. That you have had a previous controlling relationship and you are enjoying living independently and have no plans to cohabit with someone again, especially someone you have been dating for 3 months. See if he's still as nice or if he continues to bring it up. Which amounts to completely disrespecting you and trampling over your clearly stated boundaries.

But the main thing is, you don't fancy him, so, nah, move on

Don’t worry too much about hurting him. I find this type bounce back up and are on to the next in no time.

Right. Having only read the first page and not RTentireFT, I'm going to try to give a different perspective.

This guy may well be pushy and unpleasant. He may well be manipulative and creepy and all those things. But I'd like to assume he's just man in his fifties who thinks he's found love and would like to pursue that, just for a second. Let's pretend he's just a man who is more into his partner than she is into him and go from there.

When we talk of these sorts of relationship dynamics on Mumsnet (where one partner in a relationship clearly is more invested and wants more than the other) it is invariably the more invested partner that is judged harshy. They are 'needy' and 'overinvested' and 'need to get a life' at best. At worst they are 'stalkerish' and 'creepy' etc. I have heard these epithets applied equally to women who have committed the supposedly shameful crime of simply wanting someone more than that someone wants them and who are perhaps struggling with letting go.

But these things are not a crime.

I personally think, OP, that you should try a little empathy. If I was in love with someone and discovered that they felt the way you explain feeling here I would be - not only in a great deal of emotional pain - but more, I would be mortified. Absolutely fucking mortified.

If you have one iota of respect for this man you will end the relationship, cleanly and honestly. Stringing people along is really shit behaviour. It's cruel and it is selfish. So stop it. Let him go. Stop avoiding conversations (WHY are you doing that?) Just tell him the bloody truth. That you're not really feeling things and would like to either slow them massively down or end it. If we go on the premise that he's not abusive or actually a stalker, then why can't you have that conversation? Why can't you give him the minimum of respect he deserves and be honest with him?

OP do you know for sure his tales about his ex rinsing him?

Thanks all - I love the honesty on here!!
You’re all so right, I’ve just been going along with it, enjoying someone being nice to me if I’m honest, but yes it’s time to stop.
He’s ringing me tonight - as usual- so I’ll tell him my point of view.

And yes he’ll most likely bounce back when I think about it.

If I thought I had had a relationship with someone for six years who had never really been attracted to me (as a previous poster alluded to) I would be devasted. I would mortified. I would be humiliated. This is an absolutely shite thing to do to someone.

If you string someone along for years, with them believing you love and fancy them when you don't, then I'm sorry but that is an absolutely terrible thing to do.

He sounds creepy as hell, and you only have his word for it that his ex was the gambling addict. Eight years on and he’s living in a shared house like a student? Come on.

Most of the time on here women are with men like this because they’re in love with them, but you don’t even fancy him!

Shut it down.

Does he know your relationship history? Just tell him clear. That you have had a previous controlling relationship and

Don't do that. It's almost always a bad move in the first few months of a relationship.

It's not needed anyway. It's been 3 months and you've decided it's not working. If he's gushed about you to his dad, more fool him!

I’d like to think I haven’t been stringing him along - I have been wanting it to work, thought I’d feel the attraction at some point, the more we got to know each other.
Who knows... I’d like to think he’s a genuine guy who’s just been unlucky in all previous relationships- but either way I do I need to talk.
ChippyPickledEggs I have brought it up with him, asked him to slow down, he said he’d understood. But still kept up the pace.

Three months, stringing him along? No way. As you say, attraction isn't always instant, so you gave it a while to develop. But instead, the feeling growing is discomfort!

Ok, well that's fair enough Cheery, but perhaps now your feelings are clearer it's time to put him out of his misery eh?

'Look I'm sorry but I just dont like you in the way I should. There isnt any romantic attraction. And you need that in a relationship. All the best, but this isnt going any further'.

Be honest. He cant argue with that.
...though I'm sure he'll try.

And it's not your 'point of view'. Its what you do and do not want. Fancying someone is not a negotiable. It's not an opinion for him to change. Its your decision.

I agree with everyone else - he has fallen madly in love with your home, OP.

Even if he does just happen to be a nice guy who’s been terribly unlucky in previous relationships, you still don’t fancy him.

It’s pretty suspicious to me that he’s trying to persuade you that lack of attraction doesn’t matter. Why the hell shouldn’t it matter? Neither of you are in any way too old to settle for mere companionship, so why would you? Unless he has something else to gain...

megrichardson - that made me laugh - I’ve only recently bought this house with the proceeds of my marital split - I love my home too

I once read that no one falls in love quicker than a guy with no where to stay...

I think this is very very true! A shared house? Don't move him in.