Really lovely guy but... I don’t find him attractive

[CheeryCherry]

.. we’ve known each other 18 months but started dating a few months back. Not my usual type but was trying not to be so narrow minded and accept him as he has a great personality and we do get on really well. He has fallen heavily for me - which I suspect he has done with others in the past. He’s now constantly talking about moving in with me, buying furniture for my house, getting married, wants to call me and text me day and night. He does admit to being a little insecure. I try not to commit to future decisions, but he constantly asks direct questions which I struggle to avoid.
I want things to be more relaxed and steadily paced. He thinks at our age (50s) we should grab opportunities while we can.
Plus.... although he is lovely, romantic, thoughtful.... I don’t fancy him. Does that matter??

Hmmm...she was a gambling addict but he ended up with all her debts? And she dumped him? I am looking at him with a LOT of side-eye... he's either such a pushover that he took on all her debts (why?) when she left, or he's not quite telling the whole story here...

And I think he really wants out of the shared house now and he's found a single lady with her own home. What was he doing in the eight years prior, what was his dating history like?

Uh huh...and she’s also a ‘psycho ex’ isn’t she...?

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater Im afraid.
NO. Stop thinking like this - he's overwhelmingly more likely to have his eye on a soft landing.

8 years is a long time for someone to still be in a shared communal home, even allowing for paying off his previous partner's debts - if that's really what happened. She was his partner not his wife - so how was he accountable for her debts?

Take a deep breath, OP, and rip off that plaster ASAP. Be clear so he's aware your decision is final. The longer you leave this the harder it will be....

Enjoy your new home without him - it was hard earned!

Good luck! 🌹

Thanks all ... I’m gearing up to tell him on his ‘nightly call’ 🙄

8 years is a long time for someone to still be in a shared communal home

I managed less than this despite being a student for 4 of those years (in student accommodation) AND living in London where it's very usual to share. Okay, I'm an unsociable git, but it's still a long time!

The biggest red flag for me is that you spoke to him about him going too quickly, he 'acknowledged it', and proceeded to do sod all. Really? If you were told you were making him uncomfortable, you'd do something about it - and you don't even fancy him. So why does he just not care? Think about that... not that you need to as you've clearly seen the light, but thought I'd point it out. Hope it goes okay on the call!

Good luck with the call.

Will we take odds on you being talked into staying with him? xD I'll guess 4 outa 5 chance you'll manage to tell him its over. Butonly 1 in 20 that that'll be the end of it. Eg: he will let you go without drama/backlash of a sort like showing up to beg for one more chance ect...

Fingers crossed you make a clean break.

I agree with PP.
I think if you tell him that you don't want to live with another man ever again, he may go more easily.
But I think he will hang in there for a while yet!!!

I think if you tell him that you don't want to live with another man ever again, he may go more easily

I suspect he will just continue with the love bombing on the grounds that your mind can be changed.

I'd LOVE to know how much of his backstory is true and how much is complete bollocks to cover up a 'failing to launch'.

I’ve had about 12 messages, 6 texts since I finished work, he’s excited to tell me he’s told his dad about us. Gulp. (Must stay strong)

Me too Zaphod, it all sounds fishy as hell to me.

I’ve only recently bought this house with the proceeds of my marital split

So you choosing and buying the house roughly coincides with his rapidly developing interest?

Quelle surprise

"I'm insecure" is code for "I think you'll leave me so before you can I'll make it as hard as possible for you." You've just had a taster of that...

I've been there (although in my 20s at the time). If you don't find someone attractive, however lovely they are, it just won't work.

I usually read "insecure" as "contolling".

Yikes, the dad thing. He certainly is trying to foster closeness too fast and guilt trip you into staying isnt he! Maybe he has tweaked you are pulling away.

I think I would break up (by text if pos) and block him on everything asap.

If you were a bloke, you wouldn't even be having this conversation. You probably wouldn't be worrying about being kind and sparing feelings, you'd just say this isn't working for me and move on. It's literally only women who feel this guilt and stay with someone who isn't right for them, because they are 'nice' and they don't want to hurt them. Life is too short, move on and you can both find people who are a better fit for you or be single and happy!

Stay the hell away

Oh dear, good luck OP... sounds like a very awkward conversation is needed.

It shouldn't be awkward! She told him clearly to slow down - but he still couldn't resist blabbing to his dad (like a boy of sixteen!) rather than waiting. After all, how much can they have seen of each other over the past three months? Hardly enough to make someone certain of "till death us do part".

Good luck op... Hope the phone call goes well. But I'd echo what others have said....run for the hills.

Oh it’s not going well... he wants to meet face to face to discuss it - ‘it’s the least I can do’...

They always do. It's a narcissist tactic.

Text him, 'no'.

Then delete and block. Absolutely do not meet in person.

What does he think there is to discuss?

You don't owe him squat. Don't be conned. It was a three month thing, perfectly acceptable to split via phone. And considering he is bloody creepy, more than he deserved.

Dont let him catch you in a cycle of trying to prove you are a good person. It's a trap.

Dont let him trick you.
Delete and block on everything.

It's three months!

He doesn't own you. You have no obligation towards him. He wasn't your lifelong partner, it wasn't even a long term relationship. Brief, casual boyfriend - at most. His neediness or desperation for a better quality of life is Not Your Problem. As another poster said, can you imagine a man putting himself through agonies for a woman he'd dated very briefly in the middle of lockdown?

Yes, exactly the expected answer. It will be so he can guilt you into staying.

Text back:

'I'm sorry, I can't see that that would be a good idea. The least I can do is give you my explanation, which I'm perfectly happy to do by text, but especially at the moment, I don't think meeting in person would add to that except to be needlessly stressful for both of us, as my mind is made up. I do not want to be in a relationship and meeting won't change that.'