Found BF back on dating site need to be sneaky!

[Whatalife14]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. Everything was great or so I thought. I had a gut feeling just to check he wasn’t on the site we met. Well there he was username changed but definitely him. I’m heartbroken devastated. We had a talk about the site and how we haven’t been on since we met just this past week. So to have him lie to my face makes me so mad and disappointed. He has just met my children after a year of dating because I was certain this was it. I want to just call him but I don’t want him to twist it and know I was on there. I have trusted him this whole time, I’m not sure what made me look. Has anyone any ideas about how I can call him out sneakily. I think I’m prolonging the fact I need to end this just hurts to know I’ve been used and we were a lie.

I would message the one about the attraction being gone.

I messaged him earlier today to ask if he was still on the dating site. He said no I showed you my deactivated email. Which he did, but yet his profile stayed on the site for a few weeks. I just assumed they haven’t taken it down. Now I know he must of reactivated it or never confirmed and just changed the name. He said he only wanted me and couldn’t do that to me. I went back on to take a photo and the profile has gone. He must know I know. What do I do?? I’m spinning it in my head like maybe this is his wake up call, maybe he is done and was just browsing. Someone please shake me and tell me to be strong.

I’m sorry, OP, but he was trying to cheat. Surely you could never trust or feel safe with him again.

He's lying you can deactive/delete your own profile immediately, it never stays on unless you choose it to and he took it down soon as he knew you found out. Really sorry to hear this has happened to you, must be a dreadful shock after a year, I wouldn't trust him any longer if I were you, do you really want a man that still wants to browse? you could never trust him.

You are both right, you are all right. It’s just that feeling of loss thinking that something is so great and you’ve finally found something amazing and you’re at the peak of happiness and then this happens.

I have to just call him out now and accept.

Support is always here if you need it x

The problem now is that even if you forgave and stayed, the trust will be gone. He’s been rumbled and deleted the profile so clearly he was still on it. There is no reason a decent man would still be ‘looking’ or filling time checking out other people for no reason.

I’m so sorry OP, what an awful shock. It’s better to know now though. The trust can’t be put back and you’ll always be wondering or wanting to check out every dating site under the sun to see if he’s messing around. Been there myself, it’s no way to live. My narcissistic, lying ex had the guts to tell me Tinder hadn’t deleted his account properly because he was good looking and they did this type of thing to keep the site looking good! Urgh, my life 1000x better now I don’t have to worry about what that deceitful pratt is doing anymore.

Make a fake profile with a pic of someone you know he will like. Then match with him and see what happens. Otherwise he will spin you all the shot and you won't know what to think.

I messaged him earlier today to ask if he was still on the dating site. He said no I showed you my deactivated email. Which he did, but yet his profile stayed on the site for a few weeks. I just assumed they haven’t taken it down. Now I know he must of reactivated it or never confirmed and just changed the name. He said he only wanted me and couldn’t do that to me. I went back on to take a photo and the profile has gone. He must know I know. What do I do?? I’m spinning it in my head like maybe this is his wake up call, maybe he is done and was just browsing. Someone please shake me and tell me to be strong.

It's hardly a co-incidence that you bring it up with him and instantly his new profile disappears.

He knows you have suspicions. Stay strong.

So his profile mysteriously disappeared when you question him yet he deactivated his account and the picture stays there afterwards?? There's all the proof you need he must have never finished the deactivation the first time or set up a new profile. Yesterday when confronted him him profile is gone. He will stay off now for a while as he knows you are on to him. This is not the kind of life you want to live. End it now as difficult as that is and move on to find someone better who won't cheat.

@Whatalife14

I’d have to look at the actual relationship, in your case. Is he there - present and attentive? Does he make an effort every day? Do you feel loved? Etc.
If you really think he is meeting other people - is there any actual evidence of that? Not answering phone, taking time to reply, etc. Most people don’t manage to hide things well.

I think it is more likely that he was stupid and the profile lingered. And maybe he looked at it, maybe not. But it was just there. And now he is too scared to admit it.
But as honesty in a relationship is important - I’d want to be able to have a conversation about it - and say I can forgive that as long as he can admit it.
People can make mistakes and I think some of those mistakes can be forgiven.
This seems minor if the rest of the relationship feels right.

Most people don’t manage to hide things well

Silly suggestion as Yes they do! Many people hide affairs for years.

I am sorry, perhaps had he come clean you could have addressed the issue but lying is causing additional trust issues and you need to listen to your instincts. Trust yourself.

I am not sure why your playing games with him. You know he set up a new account, you should have called him out and dumped him. Your getting yourself into a muddle when the way forward should have been clear. If your struggling focus on your children - you dont want to bring a cheat into there life

What a wanker, so sorry op

OP didn’t discover an affair. It’s a lingering profile on the website where they met.
It happens all the time - and posts about it pop up every now and then.
I have a few old profiles I don’t bother with. Once in a blue moon I may look at something there when bored and with no intention to do anything whatsoever.

MN is always so quick to LTB for anything, no matter how little it may be. It’s like there is a mob with a strange enjoyment of zero tolerance to any human imperfection.
Rarely the advice is - take a moment, think, try to discuss and understand what’s really going on. Which would be the more adult way of dealing with most situations.

Instead the OP is always made to feel weak and/or defensive when she wavers and doesn’t immediately follow the black/white orders of an immediate breakup.

If he were in fact having a parallel relationship - there would be signs that OP would have noticed. He would also not be planning to move in together with her and her kids - why would he do that when his freedom to play would have been severely curtailed.
Everything points to him just being stupid and scared to admit the profile was there, for whatever stupid reason it was.

Whatever you end up doing OP - I hope it’ll be based on what’s right for you. You are angry and hurt - and hope you and your bf would find a way to communicate and be honest with each other.

@Josuk op discovered he had changed his username to the one she met him with, she also mentioned he confirmed the deactivation a week ago and he showed her an email to prove it, unfortunately he had set up another profile and she caught him.

If we assume people can be perfect and should not make mistakes - the of course - world is black/white and nothing else matters.

In OP’s case - it’s about the profile - it seems. There is nothing else to suggest that anything is going on.
If she actually believes he is out there looking for women or dating others and the relationship isn’t happy - then of course ending it is the best way forward.
If, however - the relationship is good and there are no other signs/issues - then any normal non-MN person would at least try to figure out what is going on with that profile, rather than just leaving.

Sure Josuk but MNers have seen women posting and posting after being told by obviously cheating partners that nothing's happening. You are very naive if you think there's a truthful discussion to be had here and deluded if you think he will fess up to anything. He will go for the minimum - I set it up by mistake/for a laugh. Then the OP will never know. Do you think if the roles were reversed he would hang around. I don't.

That's why I suggested setting up a fake profile - to get closure. Awful thing to have to do though.

The alternative (and this is ninja level dating advice from Matthew hussey, slightly tweaked) is to tell him youve seen it, and want to put all moving in and serious plans on hold and tell him you think you should both see other people. Still see him, be friendly and nice when you do, but make him your lowest priority.

Don't discuss it in detail or make digs just say you understand, that youve had offers too and that while you are both uncertain it's best to just take things down a level as you have no need to rush him into anything and weren't trying to. A few weeks of that he will want desperately to be with just you and it should be problem solved. Give him nothing to push against. Be someone he worries might get snapped up by someone else. Be the one who really doesn't need him to do anything and he will WANT to do it all.

Unless he's just a cheating prick. Which you will find out by testing a fake profile.

Our relationship was very good. I thought we were very honest and open. I’ve met all his family and friends. He text, calls me throughout the day. Makes an effort, has never cancelled. I can always get a hold of him. These things threw me. I called him and said I know about the profile. He denied it and said someone must be using his photo. He’s not ugly but I don’t think someone is out there begging to look like him. I asked him to be honest he kept denying. He said he will be coming around later to talk. I told him not to bother. @Josuk I would have considered letting it go if he had admitted and was honest. I get people make mistakes but to continue to be dishonest to me really hurts.

Whatalife no one in the history of the world has ever admitted anything. Ever. He's bought time to think up a good story and if you want to keep the relationship going then pull back as I suggested - it really does work. Otherwise it just goes around in circles.

This may just be him having doubts - men sleep around on the eve of their wedding, just before they move in, when their wives are in hospital having babies. It's something to do with the pressure. He may not be actually doing anything but that's more down to the lack of opportunity. He's seeing what's out there, can he do better. If you want to put a stop to that be unavailable when he wants. Dumping him will actually also work as long as you keep it up long enough - he needs to have an epiphany, and that's not a two day thing. Two days is just him saying phew I got away with it.

OP - as I said it’s all about what you want and how you feel.

People struggle with admitting mistakes. Always have and always will. Whether or not they learn to be able to do it depends on many factors.
One of my children steals their sibling’s stuff at times. Has done over the years.
Initially - always denied even though we always knew it was them. But the fear of admitting it was overwhelming.
Over the years we now got to the point of being able to admit it. (If not always stop the behaviour).

And it doesn’t necessarily get that much easier when people get older. Admitting mistakes and/or being caught with a lie - activates deep seated defences and the best of people don’t always deal well with it.

If you really think he has met other women and it’s all unforgivable - then it all makes sense.
If it’s a principle - and you are unable to see and deal with any flaws in a partner - then it’s for the best to end it. Because in any relationship, inevitably there will be times when one or another behaves less than stellar. And if seeking understanding and any sort of forgiveness isn’t what you can do - then it’s best that it happens after a year, when only little time has been invested into the relationship.

I think you need to just block him now or he will try and reel you in with embarrassing excuses like, 'someone used my profile pic'. You deserve better. ❤️

@Vodkacranberryplease's advice is accurate if you want him to come crawling backj, salivating to be with you. (I wouldn't but if you do, know that it's SO easy to achieve this, simply by being someone who isn't at all broken by his behaviour because she's not all that into him yet and sees herself as perfectly capable of meeting someone better very soon.) people do believe what you tell them and if you present yourself as a rare catch he'll treat you as one. If you are the sweet, obliging woman at home, who sobs if he plays around but has him back, he will treat you like dirt. Your choice. You have the power to get the outcome you want. Even if he scuttles off when you happily suggest a break and a chance to look around for better options (for you) then you still win. Who would want to be living with a man who thinks you are the safe bet at home while he secretly shops for an upgrade? If that's his attitude you are so much better off without him.

He denied it and said someone must be using his photo.

He is taking you for a fool by expecting you to believe that. You and your children deserve better.