Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

Why would he be committed after ten days and at two metres apart?

seems v full on for 10 days and no physical contact/sex I presume. Why on earth would you want/expect him to be committed at this stage? I know OLD moves fast but still.

He says he wants to this to be long term, he wants stay over when allowed.
Says all the right things..

Am I naive to think that he means it?

Nope, nothing physical.

How can he love you after knowing you for only days. He doesn't even know you.
Read up on love bombing.
Do a Claire's law and Sarah's law request on him.
Seems he targets single mums. He should not be meeting your kids for at least 6 months and shouldn't be moving in for 2 years.
Listen to that instinct that's telling you this is too much.
Why is he trying to fast forward the relationship so quickly? Is it because he's abusive and can only hide his true self so long and needs his shoes under the table super fast?

He says he loves you. You know deep down that this bollocks.

How old is he and how old are you?
If he’s under, I don’t know, about 35 it’s a bit suspicious that he has had so many relationships with single mums. Not suggesting he’s dodgy just that why is he into complicated relationships? Because there’s an inbuilt get out clause?

Well, theres too many red flags waving about with this one that i dont even know where to start!
Dont be so naive/desperate to believe his bullshit op fgs

There’s a few red flags jumping out here tbh. The rush to commit, saying he loves you already, wanting to meet your kids: it’s too full on.

Then there’s the admission to being a cheater and moving for a ‘fresh start’ when he’s ended relationships: alarm bells are ringing here - why would someone up sticks to start again when they’ve dumped someone? My gut instinct is he is an abuser and specifically targets single woman.

Personally I would get rid of him but if you don’t then do a Claire’s Law request on him and keep him well away from your kids. Be careful, OP.

Saying I love you, this is long term and I want to meet your kids after ten days is NOT saying the right things! That's nuts! Way too much, way to fast.

I think you're both confusing lust with love. 10 weeks may be but 10 fucking days? I've got cheese in my fridge older than that!

Neither of you know the other, despite the 'intensify' of your talks. You should be at the stage of finding put my each other's musical tastes at 10 days not full on analysis of his exs and declaring love.

It's possible he's said these things to many women before, then the rush of a new relationship wears off and he gets bored and moves on to the next 'big love'. How long effect is previous relationships and how long between them. Did they follow a pattern? Mad declarations of love, moving in, getting bored of real life, moving out and starting again quickly? Bet they do!

The only way to see if he commits is to stop all this rush and slow down. Like mega slow down!! 10 weeks to consider it a relationship. 10 months before even thinking about him meeting your kids.

And read up on love bombing and future faking .

We've spent the last 10days either seeing each other at distance or on video calls just chatting for hours.
Both invested huge amount of time in it, knowing that we won't be able to get close for months.

He works in a position that would have lots of check done on him so I'm not to worried about that. Not sure about Claire's law but definitely DBS.

Are you planning on him meeting the kids soon op?

May be..for a walk..

He is only guilty of no 3.

Was open minded until the bit about him saying he loves you - after 10 days and no physical contact.
I’m sorry but listen to your gut here. It’s telling you somethings not right

carry on as you are, do not introduce him to your children for a good long while yet!!
these are strange times, AFTER lockdown, start dating ,get to know him better, visit his house, meet his friends etc. He may or may not be what is presented now.
10 days.....

Not sayings it’s sinister, just that it’s too soon to be real isn’t it.
And someone who ‘falls’ that easily would be at high risk of being fickle and cheating in future. Sorry.

I can see why he’s living “ off a rucksack “ he’s a bad dad and a cheater so he can just up and go quick , he’s too keen , I don’t like that at all . He wants to meet the kids, come for dinner, stay over etc , my best bet is ,he hasn’t got a penny in his pocket and knee deep in debt . If you’re not careful you’ll end up with your first cocklodger.

Is this for real?!?

You’ve ‘known’ him less than a fortnight. Slow the fuck down. The fact he’s talking about love and commitment so soon is a huge red flag, the fact you’re desperate to believe him is more worrying still. He is not saying ‘all the right things’ at all - the right things at this stage would be asking how your day was or what your favourite food is or whether you like pandas or other equally low key, getting to know you type stuff. Not pushing for things to move faster and talking about ‘staying over’ when you’ve got kids in the house. Also even if you’ve done nothing else but talk to him for 10 days straight and ignored your children, not eaten slept or been to the loo in that time - it’s still only 10 bloody days so no, you have not ‘both invested a huge amount of time’.

You’re setting yourself up for a really big fall here.

And num 1

Your obviously desperate, hence why your perfect for each other....this has got disaster written all over it. Feel sorry for your kids tbh

Seriously op I'd be terrified if I were you. He sounds like a mental case. Telling someone you love them ten days in is love bombing in the extreme.

You know yourself. 'How do I make him take it slow' is your brain telling you this is all moving too fast.

Read up on narcissistic mirroring, love bombing and future faking.

And seriously, reassess your boundaries. Because if anyone talked about meeting my kids after knowing me for ten days, I'd have my hackles up. It isnt right op.

Normal relationships grow organically over time. They arent whirlwinds. Trist me op, he is a threat to you.

I might have misread the “messy parenting” wrong , apologies, the rest of my comment still stands

100% cocklodger. Op is desperate tho, im guessing he'l be moved in by this time next month

He loves you and wants to meet your children? 😮 This is all too much too soon.

Don’t get caught up in it Op , I don’t think this will end well.

What a catch.