Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

He has not invested in you on any way. A few walks in the park and sweet words are totally meaningless. Men often try to rush commitment to get sex quicker. I was in the same position as you. Single mum and a child. He was talking love and commitment Within a couple of weeks. I just treated him as an acquaintance initially because that's what he was. I saw him once a week on a Friday or sat night for a proper date. No sofas, no walks in the park. He bought an engagement ring after 5ish months. At that point he met my daughter and I gave it some proper consideration. We've been married 3 years now. You need to raise your expectations beyond a bit of love bombing.

Op are you ending it because he’s making dinner for his ex who he lives with? Or because you understand this is all shades of wrong?

@Peppercorn2020

@EileenAlanna has given you some terrific advice. Your desire to be loved and adored has made you vulnerable and you fell for lines which should have had you running for the hills. That is why you got so caught up in the romance of this so quickly.

The fact that you even talk as if trust should be there within 10 days is odd - trust can ONLY be earned over time and from seeing a person in lots of different situations. That doesn’t mean you don’t date - it just means you don’t put yourself in situations where your well-being is seriously based on the other person until you have reason to trust them (eg condom-free sex, living together etc).

Fortunately, your instincts took over and told you something was wrong. Which shows that deep down you knew what you needed know and now you just need to act on it. Good for you.

I'm not going to contact him tonight. I need to do it when I can just say what I need to say and have a clean break

TBH, I'd just block him on everything. He doesn't deserve any more of your headspace. Look after yourself OP.

I'd block him too. He'll just manipulate you in to carrying on otherwise and you are too vulnerable to hold firm against it.

Don't be gutted and devastated over this. It's been 10 days since you met someone and they have shown so many warning signs it's unbelievable. Just block and move on with your life and next time try to take things a hell of a lot more slowly.

Finnmcool has it right- just congratulate yourself on not falling for the bullshit anymore, and learning some things that'll help you in relationships in the future.

Also, you say 'he is keen to stay over' - my slight experience with modern dating is that staying over doesn't mean what it once did, people want to do it as a matter of course from very early on (which isn't something I personally enjoy- even for sex, early on I'd want them to be heading home afterwards.)

@Bluntness100 , you are unnecessarily blunt judgemental and mean .
@Peppercorn2020 -he and his rucksack may turn up on your doorstep in a couple of days whether you end this relationship or not . He'll be blubbing about how his ex has chucked him out and he has nowhere to go and no money because she won't let him back in collect his trousers with his wallet in the pocket . He'll ask if he can stay with you for a bit . He'll promise to help around the house and chip in and be no bother .
Don't let him in (Covid19 shielding is your friend in this instance), not even for a glass of water or a pee , he'd just start putting all his energy into love-bombing your kids and giving you reasons why he won't leave .
I understand your disappointment though .

He won’t go easily if he can see you are vulnerable to his charms. Usually when you back off this makes them work even harder. Or they are nasty to you. You just have to be really firm and decisive and not give the chance for a load of excuses

@Menora yes I'm thinking all the things he could say and my answers but I think I'd be taking posters advice about not giving him a chance to sat anything but to listen to me ending it
The more I think about the more I'm feeling vulnerable. But I'd like to say my piece.

I feel so grown up in the last few days in terms of dating!

I have to say that I think you've been having sex with him. Otherwise how on earth, in two weeks of socially distanced walks have you ended up so emotionally dependent on him? Just block his number and block him on social.media and move on!!!

Ah pp, narcissists dont need to screw you to screw with your head.

OP if you must say your piece, block him in everything immediately after, don't wait for a reply.

Think of him like the snake in jungle book, dont give him an 'in' to try to hypnotise you again.

@joystir59 how dare you?!!

Not at all!

No contact as such. Lots of evening video calls of talking, how our dates went, how the future would be, his past, my past..

As long as you are prepared for either his nasty side, or the most dramatic outpouring you will have ever seen. Someone will be drying of cancer and ‘life is too short’ or something similar. OR you will be an ungrateful cow who doesn’t appreciate nice guys 😂

When I ditched my love bomber actually he didn’t react dramatically and it was really unsettling and eerie to be honest. But then he kept dripping messages to me that didn’t actually say much at all but just making sure he was still popping back up and and again. I ended up blocking him.

For everyone saying it’s lies, sadly this does happen and I recognise I was very vulnerable when it did. I clearly had a large hole in my life that was filled by even a small amount of attention and it felt nice at the time. It is addictive

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3921302-Been-asked-not-to-text-as-much?pg=6

Read this thread, OP. Similar to you. Love bombing and ridiculously overkeen in the beginning. Now already a controlling and nasty, negging wanker.

The difference is the OP has really taken the advice on board!

And it's done!! He took it surprisingly well.
Nodded through most of the things I said.

No more dating for me for a while..I have so much to learn from this one and have a lot of thinking to do.
Will try again next year.

Thank you for saving me some heartache.

Ooh did you risk meeting him in person? Brave of you.

Hope that'll be the end of it then. Oh but always be prepared for him to bump into you somewhere down the line, as if you are an old friend and try to rekindle something.

Yeah treat yourself to a bit of peace. Hopefully no more nutjobs in future though. Fingers crossed.

Op, please read again and again your post about him until you see the red flags. What you are describing is a butterfly, someone who falls out of love as easily as they fall in love. He wants to live out of a rucksack? He is a person that does not get attached, only excited about a new venture, who is ready to move on at very short notice. It’s up to you if you want to be one of his ventures, after all you only leave once. But do not get your kids involved.

So happy for you that you're in a good place now. It looks like this truly has been a learning curve for you & I think you're going to become one hell of a strong woman when it comes to dating/relationships in the future.

“It looks like this truly has been a learning curve for you & I think you're going to become one hell of a strong woman when it comes to dating/relationships in the future.”

This! Well done to you, OP. Onwards and upwards!

@Bunnymumy it was a video call.

Cliche but I can see the flags clearly now.

Thanks.

how are you doing OP

Hello Peppercorn

I have been where you are . I know it so well. I dream about it . I couldn't have walked away at day ten . I couldn't , it would have been impossible . I couldn't even see anyone else in the world existed let alone broke up the "most amazing , most beautiful person in the world" . I used the quotes cause it was a lie .... I have been on the other side of his nastiness for a while now and I'm still having to force myself to see what's underneath it all ... Because I'd do literally anything for that to have been real .

You are amazing for seeing all that and if you are struggling then I get it and you don't have to justify it . Walking away when you're getting lovebombed .. it's really hard . They use lovebombing in cults , because it works . So you are amazing . Really . And I'm sorry . Because it's awful .

Glad you ended it , the right thing to do as there were so many red flags. So many.

OP, definitely be aware of love bombing, that’s the most likely cause of his behaviour. However, my DP told me he loved me after a week, had a string of failed relationships but told me I was the one (his family and friends (mutual friends too) were saying they’d never seen him like that with anyone and we’re over-8 months in and he’s calm, lovely, kind, funny and wonderful. Approach with caution but give him the benefit of the doubt.