Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

• 'I love you'

Really blunt?

You've 'mentioned' to your family that 'you have a boyfriend' - and that translates as 'I've been speaking to a total stranger for less than a fortnight, never met him.'

If you are prepared to call that a 'boyfriend', then I suggest right now that you come off OLD and do some of the reading suggested on here.

You have kids. You need to be a LOT more savvy than this and you need that 'instinct' that you trust to get a SERIOUS brush up.

Most people on here see a forest of red flags flying with this guy and your instincts are leading you to call him your bf and talk about him to your family? And not even flinch when he says he loves you and wants to meet your children?

You need to not be dating right now.

Well I guess the good news is that under all the excitement you’re clearly feeling, you must realise deeper down this is not a healthy situation or why would you even post. It sounds like you want to
believe this guy is everything he claims he is but the rational and non stupid, self-protective part of you is sounding alarm bells. Take some time and space and slow the hell down, listen to the part of you that’s sceptical because you have every reason to be.

She has met him. They've been on socially distant walks.

Not that that changes things.

Everything you have said about him is really worrying and it is also a bit worrying that you are so trusting. Trust is earned. Over a much longer period of time than you have spent together. You don’t just hand trust on a plate to every man who wanders into your life.

He’s told you he’s a chancer with a string of failed relationships with single mums behind him - probably because he massively love bombs and future fakes at the outset of his relationships and can’t do real life (and that’s putting the best spin on it). That’s why he wants to live out of a backpack. And he probably targets single mums because of some agenda which does not reflect well on him and could even be dangerous. Remember that every one of those previous women was in your shoes once.

He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear and he has looks and charm that allow him to suck women in time and again.

Deep down you know this is wrong - your instincts are telling you this is wrong which is why you’re posting here.

PLEASE do NOT fall for the good standing/charitable works angle. Yes, good people do that work. But dishonest and dangerous people do it, too, for the cloak of respectability that it gives them. And if he’s making a big deal of it, chances are it’s the latter.

Your desire to be “happy, adored and loved” is making you very vulnerable. You need to look inside for these things.

It certainly sounds like he's moving fast.
I would like to remind you of the saying - If it's too good to be r true , it usually is . If a man in his 40s can call a woman his girlfriend after 10 days - that's very odd and quite frankly, weird.
I would proceed with extreme caution and ask myself why am I going along with this ?
Please ask yourself if you are feeling particularly lonely or vulnerable or have the need to be ' rescued ' . I'd also ask yourself if you are doing this with your dc as priority .

OP if you were comfortable with his fast pace you wouldn't be asking for our thoughts.

But you're not comfortable so you're asking for opinions.

This is the question you should ask yourself, why do you not feel you can be the one in control of the pace of the relationship?

Do you fear that he will bail if you take control of the pace?

If you have that fear then none of his protestations can be genuine.

I fell for this about 5 years ago by the way so not judging. Been there. Got the t-shirt.

''why am I going along with this ?''

Yes. The question.

Oh my apologies.

I missed that you had been meeting. Er, where are the kids when these walks are happening and who is looking after them-?! I assumed you wouldn't have been able to meet as you are presumably single, presumably locked down and you have children...

It's still a massive NO from me.

The whole thing with the ones who are not keepers is... that they work like hell on earth to play the part of the keepiest keepers on earth and the most amazing fantastic perfect boyfriends.

That's how they do it. but they always slip up.

After reading that on a SECOND DATE he 'asked you to be his girlfriend' - that's all I need to know to be happy putting money on the fact that he won't be a keeper.

Because a normal, measured, grown-up, sensible person wouldn't do that. It is ridiculous.

Take heed.

No . Just no .

I went for a drink twice with a man I met through work (charity for vulnerable people).
He told me he loved me and was desperate to meet my dd (he didn’t).
I told him it was all too intense and that I didn’t want to continue seeing him.
He turned into a possessive stalker and harassed me for weeks after, he screamed down the phone that he loved me and my dd and I’d regret it, he threatened to come and find me and show me what he was capable of, I was so terrified the police were involved.
This man sounds so like him I’m wondering if it’s the same one!
Please be careful and read up on his worrying behaviours 🚩

His lease is coming up and can't pay the rent
Hell and no just step away from the conman

I'll write the first line of your next thread in a few months time

Oh you all told me and I didn't listen....
He's moved in and now he owes me money and my kid
Hates him. He won't move out and says if he does I will
Have to pay for a months rent for him to rent somewhere

I don't know what to do, I love him and feel sorry for him
I can't leave him homeless bla bla bla

I really hope OP is going to listen to the collective (and almost unanimous) advice of MN that this is a seriously worrying start to a ‘relationship’ with the potential to ruin her life, as her kids.

Judge people on their actions, not their words.

Sounds like he's love bombing you. Maybe he moves around alot because of his dodgy past? I'd do Claire's Law on this one before progressing any further. EVERY relationship where I was told they love me and want to commit in days ended up being a highly abusive one.

It's a dealbraker for me now

Ffs. Act like a responsible parent and protect your children.

The alarm bells are just deafening!

After 10 days he is declaring love and promising to leave behind all his old ways (because he's spent 10 days growing up)?

You sound incredibly naive to believe this load of garbage. Grown up men don't commit to someone after such a short time.

Simply put I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He and you should not even think of meeting your kids or family until you really know him.

His immature attitude to his living conditions should tell you he flits through life like a butterfly, and he just happened to land on you.

@Peppercorn2020, this man has so many red flags flying but I can tell you're keen so may I suggest a test? Tell him that you can't even think of living with him for at least a year and that he can't stay over for the DC's sake and make it clear this isn't open for discussion. If he's the user we think he is he'll move heaven and earth to change your mind. Don't let him manipulate you please

I'm beginning to doubt that this is even genuine now. Is this a wind up?

Sorry to say but alot of reg flags here, he's admitted he's cheated in the past and moves round alot, rushing in quickly?
I would be really careful, guys like this often rush in and rush out just as quickly, get their 'fix' then decide they don't want to commit and then your left which a broken heart.
If he's really serious then there is no rush and especially with your children, I would personally wait six months as you really don't know him well enough at this stage.

Been there and done that and won't do it again.

For fucks sake op. You have children. You have known this guy for just over a week. He already says he lives you, wants to meet your children, saying he wants to settle down - what the actual fuck? You should be running for the hills as fast as you can. Are you really that desparate that you think this is in any way healthy???

Sorry but the mind actually boggles.

Not a wind up! MN can verify if needed.

OP, have a look at this. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/

You are massively mistaking intensity for intimacy. This man is very intense. This is not a good thing. You are at stage 1 (or even 0/1, as you haven't even properly dated yet) and he trying to simulate stage 3. In fact, men like him never get past stage 2. He's going to start blowing just as cold as he's been hot at some point.

This is a fantasy relationship, and Natalie Lue at baggage reclaim is really good on those.

I would be EXTREMELY wary of this man particularly him
Being so keen to meet your children. You choosing to get involved with him is the main risk to them not him “ breaking their hearts” to run off with his rucksack into another woman’s arms .

Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.

After 10 days?! Oh please!

Are you so lonely that you'll accept anyone? He's clearly bad news. Your lookout if you were single but you have DC to think about. Wise up OP!

Thank you, appreciate the replies, however harsh they are. A lot to read through and look up.

It's helping me rethink, I still feel drawn to him, he's making me happy with everything he says.

I will definitely try spelling out what our future / timeline will be post lockdown.

Our walks have been short and children were left on their own for 30/ max 40mins.

Most of the talking is over the video call.