Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

Yes to @bunnymumy advice. Put your foot on the brake, not the accelerator. Never a need to rush these things, if it's the real deal it's nice to take things slowly. Ten days is far too short to be declaring strong feelings and certainly putting labels on things. Keep the children well clear, for a very long time, i.e. months not days/weeks.

Love Bomber

Putting all the other red flags aside, if someone can’t see that a relative stranger wanting to meet their children after ten days is a significant reason to be wary of them, then I don’t hold out much hope for them in any relationship because their boundaries are so far off.

He doesn’t love you after ten days. He’s either deluded or is telling you what he thinks you want to hear for some reason.

I’d not introduce any guy to your kids until you’ve been dating at least six months preferably a year. Until you feel like future marriage could be an option. Until you love him.

I’d presume he’s been staying with these women from his past and moves from one to the next to avoid having to rent or buy somewhere himself. He’s currently between burds hence rented somewhere.

Or he travels a lot for work, is married, and the place you think is his rental home is just a rental near his work that they give him expenses for to do him while he’s in the area as it’s cheaper than a hotel. While he pays the mortgage and has a wife at home elsewhere.

I knew a guy like that. Had a gf and a wife. Neither knew about the other. He had his home comforts in each place for a year as that’s how long his contract up north was. Then he dumped the gf and went home. She was gutted. Then she found out he’d used her and was angry. It didnt end well for him as she ripped him a new one and told the wife about what went on!

Yes, very suspicious he earns a good wage but doesn't own a place and has so few possessions. Most important thing is you refuse point blank to let him move in. A PP suggested he may come up with a 'housing problem' if that's the case you say no, he should be able to rent somewhere on his own.

You do know that just because he has a job which is considered to be of "good standing in the community" doesn't mean that he's incapable of abuse??

You need to slow this down OP. If you were comfortable with the pace you would never have posted here.
But the brakes on this and listen to you instincts

If you want to go slow, then go slow...you don't need his permission. You'll find out if he can listen & respect your feelings & boundaries.

So what if he has told people about you...it is weird that quick I think...but sounds like it is said to make you feel secure & exert some pressure on you.

You can't know if you can trust him yet..it is too soon. His track record is not good, he needs to prove himself.
You def should not introduce him or let him get involved with your kids. Even if he is Mr. Right, it is way too soon.

What do you mean he has good standing in the community? Surely that is only superficial if his relationships are all crash & burn.

And how has he 'worked through' his messy parenting? Did he put in the time & effort, support financially & now has a good relationship with his child... or is it that he has settled for something that is less effort & easier so not so great then.

Be careful here OP, you know all that glitters is not gold. But def if you decide to fall into it, don't bring your kids with you...

Sounds like you have landed yourself a cocklodger at best and the worst does not bare thinking about. Sorry, I know you like him, but this can't end well for you. If you keep this up you will find his rucksack will have moved in.

He’s telling you what you want to hear and you are falling for it! Are you desperate to be in a relationship?

I think everything he’s saying is bullshit, sorry OP. He’s a stranger and all you have to go on is the stories he’s telling you. Dangerous.

Start working on your self-esteem.

And he loves you 🙄🙄 of course he does.

OP, reading these posts from you is cringe at best and sinister at worst. You agreed to be his girlfriend, and refer to this nonsense as a “relationship” when you do not know anything about him besides what he wants you to know.

Something that stands out is what he has “told” you, not what you have witnessed. He “says the right things” I could tell you I’m Queen Elizabeth, would you believe that so easily too?

This guys sounds like a manipulator, love bombing, future faking, and this will probably eventually lead to cock lodging. At the moment he is setting you up for a big fall.

Do NOT trust this man. Do NOT expose him to your children. Jimmy Saville had a good reputation too, remember? Be very weary. Take your bloody head for a wobble.

Dated a teacher very like this. Very intense. Hit. Said all the right things. Hours talking on phone, whole day dates from the off. Messed up childhood. Wanted to meet my daughter (but I told him nobody would until a year of dating) Then, I said a perfectly innocuous thing that he took in a mad and illogical way and blew his cover. Suspect if I'd stayed with him he would have been abusive. Stories about his ex leaving him but leaving some of her precious stuff behind rang alarm bells.
It's too soon a time to know if it's just an act and it's too intense to stand much hope of him being a balanced individual op.

And yes be wary (weary is tired). I'm so glad I didn't ever tell teacher where I lived. He still sometimes tries to get in contact two years on.

I read through all your posts to see if this was my ex!

Please be careful. Everyone else is right

Says all the right things

Like he did to all the other single parents he has ponced off and taken the piss out of

Wise up, for Christs sake. You have children to think of.

Hugely poor risk here. Unless you and your children fit into a rucksack, let this one go by. Ten days is not a huge investment of time, especially not in lockdown! People don't change and if you let him in, it's highly likely he will repeat his programmed pattern, which is probably lovebomb at high speed, elevate partner to a pedestal, move in, take over, destroy pedestal, discard, leave.

Why not download "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and read it before you decide? It won't take 10 days and it may be the best investment of time you ever make. 😉

That lundy book is a great read but not really for op right now as it is early stages in this 'relationship' so she wont see that behaviour from him yet. All that book will do is scare her into thinking he is a winner in comparison to the ppl in there xD ...until his mask drops at least.

But reading up on narcissists and how to spot them in dating (early on) would be a good shout. There are also plenty of good YouTube bloggers on the subject.

It sounds like he is telling you what he thinks will let him get his leg over. With his track record,& back pack existence , it's for a quick escape. Red flag from me.

He wants to meet your children so soon? Please safeguard your children, do not introduce them to any man so soon, let alone a man who claims to love you and be with you long-term within a few weeks. Is he in need of a passport from your country?

I'd also be questioning why his relationships with single mums have never worked out. The fact that he had to tell you that he has a "track record" dating single mums is surprising in itself. If a couple meet in their 40s, there's a good chance that one or both will be single parents, so why does he need to highlight this? The fact that they were single mums seems totally irrelevant, yet that matters to him.

The fact that he claims to have told all of his family about you is very creepy, you are still virtual strangers. On the last bank holiday, neither of you knew each other existed. Please approach with caution.

It's been 10 days.
He says he loves you.
He's asked you to be his girlfriend.
You've met a friend already.
You've met every other day - so 5 days.

And you're asking for thoughts?

If this is even real, don't be an idiot and stop being so naive. I'm naive and even I'm not this stupid.

He sounds like a right weirdo. And frankly, at your age, I'm surprised you are so eager to indulge him.

Christ, woman, you have kids!

Take a look a yourself and stop being such a plank!

Run for the hills.

EVEN IF he was a normal person (and I really doubt he is cos a normal person would realise it is far too much to declare love at this stage), what’s the rush??
He hasn’t even touched you or been within a 2m radius and he’s declaring love??
You can’t possibly know anything real about him at this stage. You haven’t been to his house, or met his friends etc. That list you posted could well have more positives on it under normal circumstances - for example you don’t know if he changes according to who he is with!
Plus he may have terrible personal hygiene and you wouldn’t know that yet...

YouTube search for:
red flags of a narcissist #1: love bombing

It's by a user called thrive after abuse.

She actually mentions specifically about hearing 'I love you're early on. How she looks back on it now and realises it was actually quite insulting - because he didn't even know her! And how shallow must his emotions be if he can just rattle that words off to someone he barely knows.