Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

Absolutely no physical contact until later, nope.

Only thing I've done is to mention it to family / friends that I have a bf.

I wasn't sure what reply I'd get from you but I'm glad I posted. I'd never heard of love bombing/ future faking / cock lodger..

So much to be weary of..I do trust my instinct..and why posted.

I don't want to end it just yet, like to see his reaction to me slowing things down.
If he is committed as he says, changed man as he says, he will wait until we are ready.

Both mid 40s

OP - you concern me. It's as if you were born yesterday. Surely you have met men before? This one is telling you he loves you. After 10 days. I just can't get my head around that. How are you not alarmed?
You have said very clearly that he's saying all the right things. He's bloody not!
"I've told all my friends and family about you". Your response should have been "what, after 10 days? Well aren't you a weirdo. You hardly know me and I certainly don't know you yet."
I second the poster who said listen to posters here. You don't have any judgement or sense for some reason. I hope you find it.
Many infamous abusers were involved with charities and had 'reputable' and charming facades. Remember that social services may get involved if you fast track an abuser into your children's lives.

A good way to test his character - set boundaries and see if he bulldozers over them. Or tries to talk to around (eg: "but but but" or "you're being unfair/overreacting" or "dont you trust me?" ect) . Or initially agrees but erodes them slowly.

Also, say no to sometimes to what he wants. And see how he takes that.

I'm honestly surprised you're both in your mid 40s. This all sounds very immature. He asked you to be his "girlfriend" after talking to you for 2 days, without even meeting you? Did you not see this as a massive red flag? Very creepy indeed. How can he love you after such a short space of time? I'd be rerunning for the hill. Surely you're not contemplating introducing him to your children? The fact that he's supposedly told people about you is not flattering, it's weird after just a few days. This really is not normal behaviour.

Our relationship is less than 10days old,
*
Said he loves me.*

How well can he possibly know you, ten days in to the relationship.

Have a google for love bombing

Just seen your sign. You really don't think #1, moving too fast applies? Or #2, too personal too quickly? Hint: 10 days in talking about love? #4 demands to meat your children and be boyfriend/girlfriend 10 days in etc

Definitely a charmer, oh dear. Could you possibly have had your head turned a bit?

This does not sound normal. Take a step back

I cross posted with your latest update. You are still completely smitten and are planning a physical relationship. You think you'll slow it down and watch his reaction - taking his acceptance as proof of his purpose/intentions.
Here's what will happen. You'll slow it down. He'll move to the long-con. While keeping you on his back burner he'll pick up the pace with other women he's currently talking to online. He'll cock-lodge and get in wherever opens up first and you'll remain an easy target for when he needs somewhere to move his rucksack.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What are you getting out of this, other than having your head turned and ego stroked that is?. Was your own childhood a very sheltered one, you also strike me as being very naïve here.

Your children should be your number 1 priority here; not this man whom you hardly know. Are you really that desperate for male company that you would allow a man, let alone this man, to gain such a foothold in your life only 10 days in?

If he is committed as he says, changed man as he says, he will wait until we are ready.

Absolutely this. Good for you.

This man is not your boyfriend. He is a man whom you met online that you have known for a grand total of 10 days and is also adept at telling you perhaps what you want to hear.

Mid 40's.....wow

Concerning to me that your still going to carry this on. You should at least tell him you are taking a few days off chatting, you need to clear your head....and see how he reacts.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.

All the WRONG things imo

Jesus - run away. He's creepy

Is he a social worker? Out of interest.

The best way to gauge this type is to say, very clearly, "You will NOT be meeting my children for at least one year, we will NOT even be talking about moving in together until at least 3 years". If he likes you for you he will stick around and not push anything, if he's a cocklodger /conman he will be looking elsewhere.

That's a good shout actually: tell him you are going to be bust with something for a few days and won't be in touch much. Just say 'family stuff' or something.

If he is what I think... you'll probably get a barrage of texts ect during that time. They cant stand you being busy or having you attention on someone else. Or, he'll throw a strop/punish you in some way when you are back in touch.

You must be joking OP!

Living out of a backpack, not owning his own house, moves around a lot, looking for desperate single mums online, moving very quickly, sorry but all of this screams prison to me..

I wonder how long until he has 'issues' with his living situation and needs to stay with you..

He is an acquaintance,if this was a woman friend would you believe that loved you within 2 weeks? How can he love you?

What is your definition of love?

My abusive partner was also in a caring role, DBS check, aspects of volunteering. It's no barrier to an abusive person. It's a way of saying, 'look, I'm a nice person, no matter what I do to you.'
I'm not saying he is like this but I would think the love bombing which he is certainly doing is a red flag. Take it slow, if it's meant to be then taking it slow won't stop that, it'll just stop you getting hurt if it's not.

He’s mid forties but he loves you ten days in and wants to meet your kids? Good. God. No.

Wait and see. It seems basic to say that but WAIT and SEE. Take your time and see what he’s actually like.

He sounds like an impending disaster I have to say.

Oh God no, OP. Don't go there. If you do, six months from now you'll be posting for advice on how to leave your useless, unemployed, abusive controlling boyfriend. And that's if you wise up quickly. If not you might as well settle in for years of misery with this man. This isn't going anywhere good.

Everything you have listed are red flags 🚩 I strongly advise not seeing him again it doesn’t seem positive relationship.

Huge, flashing, waving, pulsating, neon, glaring red flags here.

At best, he is a love bomber and will reel you in and drop you like a hot potato (but not before he’s spent all your money and fucked with your head).

At worst, he is super keen to move in with you and your kids because he is a paedophile.

I think you should run a million miles in the opposite direction immediately and don’t even go near OLD or men until you’ve done the Freedom Programme.

OP, this is so strange, how can you not see this?

Run fgs.