Thoughts please..

[Peppercorn2020]

Thoughts please.

Met someone on OLD. He has been open and honest with me, had said he’s changed, grown up and I’m the woman he would like to be with.

His history/ track record - he’s had relationships with single mums with kids as well as single women.
He has cheated.
He has ended relationships and moved around to make a fresh start.
Works in a profession where he gets lots of chance to meet women.
He’s pleasant, helpful, friendly, flirty.
He has had a messy parenting, says he’s worked through it.

I’m a single mum (no ex around), independent and have a career.
Pretty settled in many ways.

Our relationship is less than 10days old, second date he asked me be his girlfriend. We are off the dating sites.
Said he loves me.
He’s keen to meet the kids.
Keen to come over for dinner.
Told me he’s told his family and friends about me.
He says the absolutely the right things.
Lives in rental despite being in a well paid job, have very minimal possession, down to few clothes.
Said he’d like to live a life that fits in a rucksack.

Our dates are socially distancing ones , walks in open areas. The chemistry is strong and nowhere to move forward.

I feel the same, our chemistry is great, I love the job he does, definitely a people person, great standing in the community.

My only concern is this -
Would he break my heart, would he get bored / decide to move again.
Not only breaking my heart but messing up the kids.

How do I make him (and me) take it slow?
I really like him but worry about the commitment issue / future.

I don’t have much experience in dating different types of men..

I don’t want to miss a chance to be happy, adored and loved.
But I need to be extra cautious due my kids.

How can I make sure he is committed?

I think these manifestos are disingenuous OP.

I used to be this. I used to be that. But Im a changed man.

It is a trojan horse because it seems like honesty. It seeeeeems like transparency. But i have been on the receiving end of an "i used to be ... " manifesto and the final page which he hasnt given you yet is i told you what i was like

I’m sure it’s not a wind up as many of us have been here, love bombed like never before, blown off our feet by the ‘connection’. I have and it was literally a sack of bullshit that took me quite a while to recover from afterwards not just the humiliation of it but the anger

People can and do say anything
Especially when they are trying to win or catch something. It’s addictive

@Peppercorn2020
Totally get that you are still drawn to him.

Test him a bit. If he wants to meet tuesday say whatabout the day after.

It is the clasdic lock you down so you rule out other options, and only then will he think, right, i have her, but do i want her?

You be first to ask yourself, do i trust this. Do i want him?

How would he react if you paced things more slowly?

Or are you scared to control the pace?

Controlling the pace is a boundary and it took me being rushed and dumped a few times before i got that.

I really did go cold OP reading it thinking this must be my ex until I saw you said his age
Of course he wants to be someone else, someone new. That’s the drive

Oh there are millions of these rush-you-then-dump-you merchants out there. It is not rare.

We have all been there OP

Any man who tells you he loves you after 10 (socially distanced) days is a liar. In my experience, liars are beset avoided in relationships.

Please don’t be a fool. Telling you he loves you after 10 days that’s bullshit I would be going into the police station and checking the paedophille register if you are going to continue

How old are your children op?

The worst part of all this is, OP will not walk away yet. She is also now addicted to him. Just as he wants her to be. He probably also kind of believes he is in love with you, but people like this fall out just as fast as they fall in - because they are falling in love with a concept, not a person.

Yes you do hear of love at first sight.. and that’s the real tricky part. Because the rational side of your brain is telling you this is not real and the irrational side is saying but what if it is?

2 people falling in love at first sight aged 25 with no DC I would say crack on! Happy for you. Hope it works out. But not with kids involved. It is so so dangerous.

This has red flag stamped all over it.

Its up to you what you do, but if you go ahead you only have yourself to blame when he leaves you for someone else he falls in love with on a night out.

The 'in love' in 10 days bs is the hook. Please don't be so naive.

he's making me happy with everything he says

I think that’s kind of the issue - someone telling you they love you, talking about commitment etc, trying to meet your kids etc after 10 days - that shouldn’t make you happy! It should feel too fast and a bit creepy. Because it is.

The fact you’re latching on to this nonsense and that you’re so keen to believe it’s all true suggests something vulnerable about you and I think he may well be picking up on that.

I get that dating can be a ballache and it sucks when you’re forever meeting men who ‘aren’t sure what they’re looking for’ or ‘don’t want anything serious’ or generally mess you about and make you feel like suggesting something for next weekend is being ‘clingy’ or whatever. If you’re lonely or feeling fragile and you really want a relationship then someone who comes along and seems to promise an instant relationship with none of the buggering about, it can seem like your prayers have been answered.

But there’s a way of showing interest and a willingness to progress a relationship whilst not trampling over normal boundaries. It will be interesting to see how this guy reacts when you say no to him - no he won’t be staying over at your house for at least 6 months (should be longer really), no you’re not available for video chat this evening as you’ve got one planned with friends/ feel like a quiet one, no you can’t meet tomorrow for a walk and you won’t be bringing your kids.

Next time he starts talking about love or commitment or whatever I’d say ‘well - it’s very early days, let’s not talk about that now’ - see what his reaction is.

Has his current mark girlfriend given him his marching orders & he needs somewhere else to move into once he can no longer tell her he can't leave because of the lockdown? He may well be living in a rental property - just not one that he is renting.
You know nothing about him, what he's told you is only that, his word/view on what he & his life has been all about & there may be nothing more than a small element of truth in any of it, just enough to gaslight you into believing he didn't actually lie about anything once you really get to know him.
Is he on other social media? Have a look for him there & check out his posts, Friends etc & try to build up a picture of what his life consists of. Search his user name for posts others have written about him as well.
Take the reins of your own life now & tell him it's all going a bit too fast for you & that you want a step back from all the intensity. Cut the meetings down to once a week. Don't spend so long on line/on the phone with him. Tell him you've been neglecting important things in your life & have to knock that on the head as of now.
I don't think this is something that could be a good relationship for you. If you decide to let it progress though please do it with an open mind & open eyes to the alternative view many have already expressed here, that he's a user with an agenda.

This is so hard to believe. Not him- God knows there are plenty of welrd men out there- but YOU. You are in your forties, yet you aren't wise to this bullshit?

Come ON!!

Oh dear the fact that he wants to meet your children already is a clear sign he’s probably not genuine. Why would he want to meet your children so early on. His life living in a rental also is telling. RUN!!

@peppercorn2020
You are wise to be cautious. He is LoveBombing you, not because he loves you, but because he is lining you up for a quick series of bonking, then he will move on. Another poster has asked why mention commitment after 10 days and social distancing, and he may be on other sites you do not know about.
"great standing in the community" Does he work for the emergency services? Why would this give him great standing in the community, when he may be just a wolf in sheep's clothes? And he has asked to meet your children at a rate of knots . . . be careful !!

@ sawollya
"manifesto and the final page, which he hasn't given you yet is "I told you what i was like"
Well said, you have nailed it !!!

BEWARE THE CHARMER !!!

@Alasgrape, I can test this theory, I can say no to the walk we have planned and see how he reacts.

I'm his FB friend and can see stuff, nothing alarming.

@rowrowrowyboat
Well said !! The idea of living out of a rucksack eg "backpacking" is to move on as soon as possible, travelling light, as he's probably living in a rented room, up to his neck in debt, and he wants a comfortable home with a family asap. N.E.X.T !!!!!

Something not quite right here. Run a mile think of your kids, not yourself.

"Nothing alarming"

Except EVERYTHNG that you have said about him. Literally all of it.

I dunno if 'no' to a walk will cut it. Maybe say it's because of a friendship commitment? And that you won't be in contact at all for a bit. These sorts don't like it when they think you are paying others attention over them. Thats when they tend to get possessive: Calling and over texting ect...

But yeah, you can try creating/asking for space and seeing if you get it.

I didn’t see anything initially on Fb either OP. It seemed so open and trusting

But gradually he started to do thing that unsettled me. He dropped in a convo that he always filtered all his posts on SM so some people couldn’t see them. I didn’t dream this meant ME. He friend requested me on literally everything. When we broke up it was actually quite time consuming. LinkedIn, my fitness pal - everything. He would be online at 3am for no apparent reason and I only found this out by accident then I had trouble sleeping and noticed it was every single night. I asked him - said he want online. Suddenly blocked all his friends lists from me, which I didn’t notice for a while. we had each other on maps which suddenly vanished one day. Put us in a relationship together on FB but I think only I could see it

A savvy person will know how to make it all look fine. Do not be naive

*wasnt online

Oh dear.

You put up a poster about love bombing. And referring to your posts he ticks a few of them, but you only see one? Thats a real worry, op. He has already done a number on you.

This behaviour is normal possibly for a teenager, but mainly an abuser.

Keep him away from your children and home. Do not introduce anyone to your children until youve been dating exclusively for six months. At least.