Help please! Parents in law are going to ruin my relationship

[Jesssr]

I really need some advice,. Here's a quick back story, sorry it's pretty long.

My partner is an only child to parent's in their late 40s, we are both 30. His parents live 10 minutes from us whilst my whole family life in a different country and my parents are in their 60s.

We had our DS just over a year ago. Before she was born my partner and I discussed our expectations for how involved grandparents would be, child care arrangements etc.
These were particularly important discussions as his mother decided to take a part time job with the expectation that she would have child care duties. When she mentioned this we advised her not to that we didn't want her to look after DS that we felt nursery would be the best solution for our family. She did it anyway and put considerable pressure on my partner to change our arrangements.

Since the day our DS was born she has been intrusive, selfish and immature. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, and my OH is self employed and was unable to take any time off. She called round unannounced everyday for the first two weeks, despite me asking her not to and explaining that I was trying to establish breastfeeding and needed to rest. For the record, she was not there to help she just wanted to hold the baby. Not once did she even so much as offer to make me a cup of tea but made it very clear that I was being rude not offering her one. In the second week she turned up and I refused to let her into the House.

This is where the issues started. She had expectations of having DS overnight in her first week of life. My OH explained to her that this wasn't possible because I was breastfeeding and asked her to back off and give me space. She had also been asked to not post pictures of DS on social media and a few other boundaries were established. She ignored everything.
My OH works solely with his father,and everyday he was getting told how upset his mother was etc. At first because he could also see how upset I was he stood his ground with our request for boundaries, but eventually as time went on he got worn down and started to give in to his mother for an easier life.
The ongoing issues his mother was causing (and he recognised she was the cause) almost forced is to break up on several occasions and I spent much of DS's first year at home in another country with my family.

That’s great news - so pleased for you.

Decide what boundaries are reasonable for YOU and then add 20% for wear and tear, because these types push and push and push.

You need to have really clear and extra long distance to manage these types with a wide panorama to give you enough time to see them coming.

Expect them to go quiet for a bit before another new assault - expect manipulation etc.

But just stop everything in its tracks. Anything that feels “off” - jump on it immediately - close down and withdraw.

You will be unsettled as they rock the boat but you know you can take time away and steady it.

So for anyone wondering here's a further update. A LOT has happened since my last post.
Counselling is going well. At first I thought my counselor was a bit rubbish as she never seemed to remember anything but I guess I didn't really understand how counselling worked. But it all clicked into place and I have had some really big revelations.

I suppose this was helped along by finding out I'm pregnant again. A shock I am still processing, and I can assure you bringing another child into my current sh*t show life was the last thing I had planned.

So yesterday was meant to be our wedding day. I had been away for a few weeks beforehand and was really looking forward to spending sometime together. I also thought it would be a good opportunity to ask my OH what not getting married/marriage meant to him as a conversation starter to tell him I had been struggling with the way things were and was in counselling.

Well it did not go well. My hope that he would see how serious things were and join me in relationship counselling was nothing but a far fetched dream. He refuses to see we have problems and continually brings any point I make back to me hating his mother. I honestly thought that with another baby on the way that he would be willing to try and work on our issue's instead of burying his head in the sand.

So it was only the first of many conversations to come. I'm not going to just give up on all of this so easy but counselling has really helped me see that being with my OH might not be the best outcome for my family. And I also realise that his refusal to go to relationship counselling is a huge red flag. Time to put myself first. I will not stress myself out with the ongoing pantomime now I am pregnant.

It sounds like it is your Partner that is going to be the nail in the coffin of your relationship..

Glad to hear you’re making some headway even if it’s just in your own understanding of the situation. Your thread disappeared (they keep doing that) which is why it’s so long after you updated. Hope you’re ok.

Would love an update OP

OP someone said you have control issues... I don't think that you do. You've just had a baby and a previous firstborn and your MIL js so so out of order. She is a controlling narcissist and it really upsets me that your partner won't stand up to it on his family (eg you and child) behalf. Once you can, I think you need to book a week or two with your family (you said another country).

Honestly I think the issue is men think you should just love their mothers. Even if they don’t even like them that much.
I don’t really understand why but it’s definitely a thing. Men who can hardly be bothered with their mothers, who think their wives should want to spend all their time with them. I’m not sure if it’s a guilt thing or an extension of ‘wife work’ to keep their mothers occupied and happy.
Mine was always surprised I didn’t want to call MIL mum! Apart from not getting a long at all, even if I’d really liked her that would never happen!

So here we are another month down the line and I have to say things have really improved since our talk last month.

My OH and his father came home one day after work to tell me that they would be taking up half of my garden for a storage shed to store their business equipment. I laughed until I realised they were serious and told them not a chance. If they were running out of room it was time the in-laws started storing equipment at their house. That was about 2 weeks ago. And despite having found a much more suitable storage location for them which they agree is better my FIL has barely said two words to me since. But it further separates the business and therefore his parents for being so heavily involved in our lives and honestly it has made such a huge difference. I'm not constantly anxious waiting to see if someone unexpected is going to just walk in to my house. I'm sleeping better and we're much closer as a family and as a couple.

My OH has obviously spoken to his parents regarding our talks back in July. Things are much more relaxed between everyone and although I can't ever see my relationship with his mother getting back to what it was I no longer feel like I'm going to vomit when I see her. Haven't really had any further conversations about our long term future but it's definitely baby steps.

I know I have said that everything is much better and it is but the pressure has started to mount again for my OHs mother to look after our DC, and I strongly believe that it's her putting the pressure on my OH.
I am so almost ready to let her babysit for a few hours one evening when DC is in bed but I have decided that under no circumstances will our child ever be going to the in-laws house without us present. Our last visit to their house (calmer mind, calmer perspective) highlighted just how unsuitable it is for a toddler. MIL is more concerned about keeping the house clean than safe. The one thing that really concerned me was their lack of concern for the loose, floor length blind cords in their conservatory. I was given an auidoable tut by MIL for snatching them out of DCs hand's and wrapping round the top window handles. It doesn't Inspire me with confidence, nor did her blasé attitude to her rat dog pouncing and snapping at DC.

We have also now told them we are expecting another baby and she's already flew into orbit buying thing's. I am seriously concerned about this. I can see baby number 2 being a repeat all over again. Something I'm going to talk to my midwife about at our next visit as they are aware of my home situation and stresses and think perinatal counselling would be useful.
So any advice on how to shut that down before it takes off is much appreciated, especially as many of you seem well versed in dealing with the type of person I have only began to realise my MIL is!

@Iverunoutofnames
How odd! Why on earth would you call you MIL mum? That's actually given me shivers

That’s a great update. Sounds like your boundaries are starting to work. Brilliant. Horrified at the floor length blind cords and her not getting it. There’s no way you could relax I’d your toddler was there.

Thanks @ThickFast, definitely feeling more positive about things