Help please! Parents in law are going to ruin my relationship

[Jesssr]

I really need some advice,. Here's a quick back story, sorry it's pretty long.

My partner is an only child to parent's in their late 40s, we are both 30. His parents live 10 minutes from us whilst my whole family life in a different country and my parents are in their 60s.

We had our DS just over a year ago. Before she was born my partner and I discussed our expectations for how involved grandparents would be, child care arrangements etc.
These were particularly important discussions as his mother decided to take a part time job with the expectation that she would have child care duties. When she mentioned this we advised her not to that we didn't want her to look after DS that we felt nursery would be the best solution for our family. She did it anyway and put considerable pressure on my partner to change our arrangements.

Since the day our DS was born she has been intrusive, selfish and immature. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, and my OH is self employed and was unable to take any time off. She called round unannounced everyday for the first two weeks, despite me asking her not to and explaining that I was trying to establish breastfeeding and needed to rest. For the record, she was not there to help she just wanted to hold the baby. Not once did she even so much as offer to make me a cup of tea but made it very clear that I was being rude not offering her one. In the second week she turned up and I refused to let her into the House.

This is where the issues started. She had expectations of having DS overnight in her first week of life. My OH explained to her that this wasn't possible because I was breastfeeding and asked her to back off and give me space. She had also been asked to not post pictures of DS on social media and a few other boundaries were established. She ignored everything.
My OH works solely with his father,and everyday he was getting told how upset his mother was etc. At first because he could also see how upset I was he stood his ground with our request for boundaries, but eventually as time went on he got worn down and started to give in to his mother for an easier life.
The ongoing issues his mother was causing (and he recognised she was the cause) almost forced is to break up on several occasions and I spent much of DS's first year at home in another country with my family.

My mil was ike this, but worse. Still is. However DH always stood firm with me so she never got her own way. Still tries, but knows the score.

She was AWFUL. Wanted to be top dog in DS’ life and get another go at playing mummy.

Keep mil at arm’s length and live your life x

I have moved to my DH's country and am having issues with DH and MIL (as @Gutterton knows as I have been the recipient of her fabulous advice). The only way I can work full time here is if DC get looked after by a nanny (which we can't afford) or MIL and this will be over my dead body. My children, my decision. FWIW I also wouldn't have my parents do this in the UK either

Interestingly they all work together as well, and see each other far too much and he will pansy around after his mum, picking her up from the hairdressers, driving half an hour to put her rubbish out when she's away... Unlike your DH, mine has never seen any wrong in his DM- she has almost saint like status (odd for a slightly crass and manipulative old drunk ).

So not much advice other than stand your ground, but you have my sympathy.

My ex ILs were like this. Awful, intrusive, rude, overbearing etc. My ex was an only child too. It was an absolute nightmare.
They used to turn up uninvited all the time and ex and his DF would go outside or pop out leaving me with her for hours and hours at a time. I used to go mad about it but it never changed. I think my ex would rather I was upset than his parents because I was easier to deal with.
Bloody awful people.
This is your DPs problem to resolve, he needs to put his own family first and stick to it. If he can’t put those boundaries in place you have a difficult decision to make.

Seems like you’ve got some good advice on here. My sense is that your husband is so entrenched in the dynamics with his mother that he won’t be able to change at the moment. It probably feels so deeply uncomfortable to him to challenge his mother, that he can’t do it. Not excusing him or your FIL, but they’re not going to change without some serious consequences to their life. Your MIL has her ‘victim’ persona very well honed so any change to the status quo will be like throwing a bomb into their family dynamics. Not saying that any of this is ok for you, and you should shouldn’t have to accept it. More, than I’m worried that you’re trying to be logical about this and thinking that reasoning with them will help. But it won’t. 25 babygros!! Seriously, that’s so odd!

Actually, you DO sound like you have a vendetta against her. You said you had bad PND and your dp couldn't be there for you, but she kept coming round. That,mot me, is absolutely what she should have done, and yet you saw it as intrusion. The fact that you shut yourself away would ring alarm bells with a health visitor given your PND.
You're trying to control the relationship your dp and child have with his mother, and if he doesn't do exactly what you've decided he's therefore not supportive. And you only allow her to see her grandchild once a month even though her DH is at your home every day? That's just weird, and incredibly controlling.
You and your dp, plus his parents, need to sit down together and discuss your concerns or else you're going to end up being incredibly miserable. You're forcing your dp to choose between you and his mother, when actually there shouldn't be a choice. Can you imagine when your child is an adult and is forced to choose between their partner and you?

This mirrored my relationship with in-laws and my in-laws were also very young.

Before we had children we actually split up for a while due to their interference but although we both knew it was a factor we never really spoke about it.

After having our first child it got unbearable and I had to have the difficult conversation with dh. I told him that his mother had ruined my maternity leave and spoilt what was should've been a magical time and I said that I would leave as I couldn't continue and felt depressed.

Miraculously it stopped. Dh said it was coincidence and that he never spoke to her about it but you don't just change overnight when you've been toxic for 15 years! I don't know what he said but it worked and they are normal in-laws now!

@soontobe

Obviously you are not read the same thread that the majority have.

No one, wants that level of entrenchment in their lives. Why his parents thought that it was okay to join the meeting with the photographer, is crossing boundaries. As is joining them, when they were meeting friends.

If you do split up, your dp will most likely get 50/50 care, and will be able to use his dm for childcare whilst his child is with him. You would not automatically be able to remove your child from this country either.

@soontobe60
I'm not attacking you but I agree with @REignbow here. I don't think you have read the posts.
I didn't have PND, I had PNA, which is totally different. I also didn't say I shut myself away. I was always out and about at baby groups, trying to make friends an enjoy my maternity leave. And mil was not there to support with my PNA, she very much believes mental health issues are fake. And if she was trying to be there to support me than she could have went about it a different way instead of expecting me to wait on her hand and foot. Or maybe, she could have backed off like I had asked her to so many times and that would have been the space and support I needed.
My HV was well aware of my PNA and the issue's I was having with my OHs family. I saw her weekly at breastfeeding support groups.
I am not trying to control the relationship my OH has with his mother, he can spend as much time as he wants with her but HE doesn't want to.
I am also already incredibly miserable, I wouldn't be reaching out to strangers for advice if I wasn't so desperate.

@GreekOddess that's amazing you got things sorted! I'll cross my fingers and hope that I have he same miraculous fix!

I just want to say that I feel the utmost sympathy for anyone who has already been through this or is currently dealing with family issues. And again thank you all for your comments and advice.

What do you think would have happened Jesssr if you agreed to your MILs ridiculous insane demands?

So you say “Yes, take my newborn baby girl less than a week old to stay overnight at your house”

She had 25 new born baby-grows stockpiled, own car seat, own pram - do you think you would have ever got back? Was it just this one night in the first week of her life she wanted?

Also at that moment when the response to her was “No - because we need to establish breast feeding” was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The answer should have been:

“No. That is a ridiculous, insane and frankly offensive request and quite honestly scares us”

Sympathy to you. This MIL will not respond to your current approach.

Find her one of the 'reborn' dolls' to play granny to?
Gift it to her and tell her she might like that to indulge her - and tell her when she learns some basic manners and awareness of other peoples needs, then, you may consider a play date - in about 4 years time - sorry to be less than kind, but i have lived through this and it did take a big divide for a few years but MIL eventually got the message and it has been much better since ( not that we got her a 'reborn') BUT most of this boundary setting MUST come from her Son, your stb DH....you just don't feature - good luck but be clear...NOW

@gutterton no it wasn't her only request to have her over night. She frequently asked when she would be 'having a sleep over with granny' when she visited.
And she was told when she kept asking that she was far too young in the later requests. To be honest we probably both thought it was a bit of s joke a the start.

Thankfully though she no longer asks for her to stay overnight. I have expressed to my fil that I don't trust their dog because he isn't trained, barks non stop and bites/nips and I'm extremely uncomfortable having our child around it. I think this might have been part of the reason the requests stopped.

Not being overdramatic about their dog either. They usually mussel it in public and when they have guests round.

Shit parents make shit grandparents.
Took me ages to work that out but it's very true.
Your partner is in the FOG and you end up being the bad guy because you have set your understandable boundaries.
No one would put up with this behaviour from other people, eg friends, work colleagues so why on earth should you have to put up with it from family.
You don't.
Sorry OP, it's a hard situation.
You know what's best for your child, not his mother. Stand up to her bullying or she will teach you child to accept her behaviour is ok.
It's not.

Some of the answers here make it sound really easy, when it is absolutely not!
OP as I'm sure you realise, your FIL and DP have been brainwashed over many years by your MIL and are totally conditioned to behave the way they do. They are terrified of the consequences if they stood up to her. You have virtually no chance of changing this dynamic. Your DP has refused intensive couples counselling possibly because he can't face the thought of standing up to his mother. I have no doubt he's tried to intervene on your behalf before and her rage was probably nuclear.
Then you have the additional burden of the 'family business' being run from your home.

Frankly (and I speak as one who has (well had, she's got advanced dementia and can barely do anything now) a narcissist for a mother with a father and brother as her flying monkeys and a family business run from the home) you are doomed. You say the business was the reason you chose your house. This adds a whole extra layer of complications impossible to understand unless someone has been in this situation.

I certainly wouldn't be marrying this man, and I'd be very seriously considering selling the house/getting bought out and walking away to embrace life as a single parent. I can't see how this will ever work out without adversely affecting your mental health and that of your child if you stay. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's a lovely guy but his mother has done a real number on him

I really feel for you and am in a similar situation. Just to let you know my story - and hopefully you won't feel so alone in all of this!

I too got on reasonably well with my MIL before my daughter was born; but when it got to the final trimester of my pregnancy she became a nightmare: Choosing her own names and dismissing any names I suggested; preparing her own nursery at home; assuming she could care for our daughter when I went back to work.

I could carry on writing forever about the entitled, annoying and selfish things my MIL has done since she became a grandparent; but I'll tell you some of the worst ones!

When my daughter was born we decided on no visitors at all for the first week; I was discharged from the hospital within 20 hours of giving birth - DH let MIL, SIL and BIL visit against my wishes: we had been home with baby for less than an hour when they turned up! MIL also did similar to yours; she turned up uninvited and unannounced every day for the first few weeks and was even trying to pull baby off my breast while she was feeding. DH gave her a key to our house without telling me; she was always turning up and waking baby and I up and one day she even snook into my bedroom, took baby out of the bassinet while she was asleep and tried to give her a bottle!

I finally blew when MIL requested to take baby for a walk in her pram; I consented and asked her to return in 30 minutes for baby's feed... she disappeared for 4 hours and turned off her phone! Baby was solely breastfed at this point and she had no bottle with her. It turned out that MIL had taken baby to a nearby park to meet up with DH's ex gf and her sister to show them "her new baby". I hit the roof!

After this incident DH agreed to take her keys off her and reduce contact; she agreed to visiting once a week, at an arranged time. But this didn't stop her silly games! Now, she bad-mouths me to everybody she knows and makes up or exaggerates any incidents that we've had. Another thing she has done is rekindled her friendship with my husband's ex-girlfriend - she hangs out with her once a week and always wants to take my daughter with her. For this reason I do not let her have my daughter unsupervised.

MIL was also convinced she could look after our daughter when I went back to work, but I had noticed that she couldn't physically cope with her - due to her age. 1 month before I returned to work - when baby was 10 months old - she broke down and admitted to DH that she couldn't cope with looking after baby for an afternoon on her own, let alone 5 days a week while I am at work. So we had to quickly find a nursery for baby and budget another £1000 a month to cover the costs. I am happy with this decision though, the money we pay is certainly worth it and I have less anxiety knowing my daughter is fully cared for while I am at work.

Our latest issue is regarding the covid-19 lockdown; she keeps turning up at our house to see baby. Initially this was through a window, which was tolerable; but now she wants us to take baby into the garden so she can watch her run around. The last time she visited - against government rules - we had to remind her to step away and maintain her distance several times. It also turns out that she has been flouting the lockdown rules; visiting elderly friends who should be isolating. Before visiting us she had been to see a friend around the corner, and was then going for a walk with another friend. I have banned all visits from now on until the government say it is safe to visit family in their homes and have a gathering of more than two people. Needless to say I am not in favour for this - with my DH or any of his family. I don't care though; I am putting my daughter first.

From what I have read on other forums; our situations are not unique. It seems that mothers of sons just seem to turn like this when they become grandmothers; they reveal their entitled-inner-witch and we are left to defend ourselves against gaslighters (usually our husbands) who try to convince us it is "all in our heads"... it isn't!

What I have learnt from my experience is that the best thing I can do is be firm in my choices, stand up for myself and not be afraid of who I upset - as long as I have my daughter's best interests at heart.

Sounds like your fil and dh put DM front and centre. What she wants she gets. Your wishes will never be in consideration.

84teacher that is so shocking. They just don’t stop do they. The stuff with the xGF is just bizarre and nasty. The 4hr walk - you must have been on the ceiling.

It’s so emotionally draining to constantly have to be so hyper vigilant and to hold tight against her and the others 24/7 - you can’t give them an inch because they will exploit it. You have to ask how much of your finite emotional energy you want to expend on this.

These are a couple of my stories, prompted by 84’s recollections.

The name thing - MIL was insistent we call our DD Katie (no surprise it’s a derivation of her name) - she told me repeatedly that she hated the name I had chosen months before the birth - and I still have the card from when she was born saying “congratulations on the birth of Katie”.

She stayed over at ours and came into our bedroom in the middle of the night when I was sat naked on the bed in the dark doing the 3am breastfeed - she sat right up close to me, touching my body and with her head stuck in my chest watching my baby feed. I felt v violated (was reluctant to use that word but is accurate to describe how I felt at that vulnerable moment).

When my daughter was older I had grown her hair into a cute bob / MIL nagged and nagged that I let her mobile hairdresser trim her hair at hers (alone) - I finally gave in but insisted she didn’t cut a fringe. You know what happened next - my daughter returned with this ugly, thick flat unflattering fringe, which took years to grow out again.

They do the opposite of what you request in a deliberate passive aggressive punishment, they have no boundaries and are deluded, entitled and territorial over your baby.

She stayed over at ours and came into our bedroom in the middle of the night when I was sat naked on the bed in the dark doing the 3am breastfeed - she sat right up close to me, touching my body and with her head stuck in my chest watching my baby feed. Holy fuck!!!

TwistyHair - the anger I hold on that incident now is about myself - how was I so subjugated that I was unable to assert myself or even speak.

She stayed over at ours and came into our bedroom in the middle of the night when I was sat naked on the bed in the dark doing the 3am breastfeed - she sat right up close to me, touching my body and with her head stuck in my chest watching my baby feed. Ugghh!!

OMG @Gutterton The woman's mental! Talk about a total invasion of privacy - no wonder you sound so strong now - you must have needed a fair amount of counselling to deal with that weird, emotionally aggressive behaviour.

How are your dealings with her now - and what on earth did your DH/DP have to say about these episodes? 🌹

I’m speechless at some of these tales - how and why does anyone behave like this??

@Gutterton how on earth did you, DH and MIL come back from that one? It was hard enough for me with her trying to take baby away from me for her own selfish reasons!

The name thing: MIL half-won that one; our daughter's middle-name is that of her paternal great-grandmother. Its quite a nice name actually! What I find completely frustrating is that when in the company of extended family, MIL insists on using her middle name! It confuses the poor little girl!

@Jesssr I hope that reading some of our stories gives you some comfort that you are not on your own in this, and reassurance that it is not in your head!

I'm completely shocked at some of these stories, although I really shouldn't be, as I was abused as a child, so I know there are abusive parents and they don't stop being abusive when their DC become adults. (My abusive F is dead so thankfully I haven't had him to cope with now I'm a parent.)

Your MIL sounds appalling, OP, and YADNBU. I doubt she'll change at all.