Help please! Parents in law are going to ruin my relationship

[Jesssr]

I really need some advice,. Here's a quick back story, sorry it's pretty long.

My partner is an only child to parent's in their late 40s, we are both 30. His parents live 10 minutes from us whilst my whole family life in a different country and my parents are in their 60s.

We had our DS just over a year ago. Before she was born my partner and I discussed our expectations for how involved grandparents would be, child care arrangements etc.
These were particularly important discussions as his mother decided to take a part time job with the expectation that she would have child care duties. When she mentioned this we advised her not to that we didn't want her to look after DS that we felt nursery would be the best solution for our family. She did it anyway and put considerable pressure on my partner to change our arrangements.

Since the day our DS was born she has been intrusive, selfish and immature. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, and my OH is self employed and was unable to take any time off. She called round unannounced everyday for the first two weeks, despite me asking her not to and explaining that I was trying to establish breastfeeding and needed to rest. For the record, she was not there to help she just wanted to hold the baby. Not once did she even so much as offer to make me a cup of tea but made it very clear that I was being rude not offering her one. In the second week she turned up and I refused to let her into the House.

This is where the issues started. She had expectations of having DS overnight in her first week of life. My OH explained to her that this wasn't possible because I was breastfeeding and asked her to back off and give me space. She had also been asked to not post pictures of DS on social media and a few other boundaries were established. She ignored everything.
My OH works solely with his father,and everyday he was getting told how upset his mother was etc. At first because he could also see how upset I was he stood his ground with our request for boundaries, but eventually as time went on he got worn down and started to give in to his mother for an easier life.
The ongoing issues his mother was causing (and he recognised she was the cause) almost forced is to break up on several occasions and I spent much of DS's first year at home in another country with my family.

This is the very first time I have ever related that incident to anyone (it was 19 years ago).

My DH snored throughout, in a deep sleep after a skin-full. I never asked her to leave or said that I was uncomfortable.

That makes me feel quite sad now.

She continued to behave horrifically - she was also an alcoholic. But I carried on trying to make her happy and tap dancing to her tune - until 5 years ago when I just disconnected from her life. She died 2 years later.

I have learnt that my shocking upbringing conditioned me to tolerate lots of abusive people and situations - but I am turning a corner now though.

Small steps forward @Gutterton 🤗

I feel for you OP and I think some people on this post have not experienced manipulative relationships so somehow think you have a thing against the MIL when it's much bigger than that. I hate to say that this all sounds very similar to my exH and ex-MIL. I won't bore you with all the details but it seems the birth of our DC led to a big change in behaviour in both ex and his mother and many pantomime episodes (as another poster referred to) of hysteria and control from ex MIL. She actually ran off into the woods one time when I dared to stand up to her and of course I was blamed for her running off and how upset she was etc. My ex always claimed to be 'stuck in the middle' and 'trying to make both sides happy' and I was the one that needed to 'chill out'. Ex wanted to include his family at every stage and if I wasn't happy it was my problem. We did go to couples therapy but I realised there, more than ever, how controlling and manipulative he was. It was evident he did not care about me at all. He cared about himself and making his parents happy and somehow controlling me to do what he wanted. So I wonder is your OH controlling too?

I ended up divorcing my ex and thank god I do not have to put up with this crap any longer although still ongoing issues (my other post). Your post reminded me how bad/difficult relationships can be though. Please think about your MH and future. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings?

Oh my God @Gutterton that's awful!!

I think if people haven't experienced abusive & manipulative family members, they can't really relate. For those posters who have only ever had loving parents & grandparents, it seems completely unreal. But it exists and it continues into the next generation until someone breaks the cycle

Not all mothers are loving. Not all grandparents are supportive.
You have your own family now OP. You get to choose what happens, not his parents.

Oh my god @84teacher I feel for you!
Mil also had a nursery and wanted input in our child's name. She wasn't given a key to our house though. She went and had one cut without us knowing and I lived in constant fear that she was just going to let herself in if I didn't answer. Also had her walk into our room and wake baby from nap.
But the walk... Oh my god how did you not get the police involved! She essentially kidnapped your child. I have no words. And I can only think of the physical pain you must have been in too with over full boobs from a missed feed. What a selfish self-absorbed woman. I'm just so shocked.

@Gutterton I could cry for you. Violated isn't even a strong enough word for what that woman did to you. How, just how could any sane person think that was ok.

I suppose I'm lucky enough that my mil made me too uncomfortable to feed Infront of her. The first time I ventured out of the house after having DS was when she was 6 days old. We went for lunch but they forgot to bring our dessert and ended up leaving without it because DC was hungry and I wasn't ready to feed in public. We came home to discover OHs parents had been waiting for us for half an hour and walked in through the door behind us whilst OH was trying to help me get my top off to feed and I was leaking everywhere because I was so full. She saw me, screamed, threw her hands up in the air and kind of ran up and down the hall before having the sense to shut the door. I always think of her as one of those weird wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man things since that.

I think that my OH can sense that something is running around my head right now. He spent the whole day cleaning and then cooked and cleaned up after dinner. He does help around the house but never like unless he thinks he's done something wrong. I hope he is stewing in his thoughts wondering how he's f*cked up this time because maybe it will help him realise the bigger picture.

@Cancin your story sound's very similar to mine. Interesting you ask if OH is controlling. I definitely think I wear the pants in our relationship, but the advice and stories on here have really helped open my eyes. It is entirely possible that he is controlling and I just can't see it for what it is. Cancelling on our friends so he has an easy life with his mother isn't something that I would ever have thought I'd do but I have! Who knows what will come out when I start counselling.
So glad you're having a slighter Easier time away from all of it now

@Gutterton I'm so sorry you had to cope with that from your MIL, she sounds like she was horrendous. When you grow up in a family like that, it's so hard to see what's going on. I only realised how abusive my F was many years after his death. After the memories of the SA my DSis and I went through came back, we were still trying to make excuses, medication etc. I finally understood when I saw his letters to my DM and realised that he had been emotionally abusing her for years and been controlling. (She always said that he had been a loving husband and father, but she herself had been orphaned at 10 and sexually abused by the uncle who was her guardian so she couldn't see what was going on. (It's helped me to understand her and still love her.)

When you're going through it, especially when you've grown up with it, you just don't see it, because it's all you know and children have unconditional love for their parents.

I was thinking about this OP as I took the dog for a walk!

If as a PP suggested your DP doesn’t particularly like his mother - then when she’s around and has you to feed off, she isn’t feeding off him. So you’re presents makes his life easier. He can chat to his dad, without his mother’s interference. You are in effect shielding him from her. It’s a defence move.

If you keep your engagements and leave him to his parents then he loses that shield. So she now becomes his problem.

From his point of view, the lesser of two evils is either upset her or upset you. You are more compliment, she kicks off. His choice is to keep her happy and upset you.

So you need to think carefully about your moves. Plans must be kept.

Keep MIL out of any discussions. Stick to what you want.

Make head out as they arrive. Cheery wave ‘just popping out to walk the baby, see you soon’ Or even leave before they arrive.

Keep it simple.

My now ex MIL was the same
Utterly horrendous. This and spineless exH was the main reason our 20 plus year marriage ended. The only thing that helped was keeping her at arms length. Not giving in to her. Short infrequent visits. But exH seemed to become resentful of me for the fact he couldn't please mommy. It was a very weird relationship they had. He was almost like a man child and needed a woman to take charge on every decision but then resented that. Some deep psychological thing. I was gaslighted all the way through and he tried to make out this was normal. No fecking way.

My kids were older so I understand that if you worry she will get more access to DC should you split. When we split up she became horrendous and venomous. But I have nothing to do with now.

@Jesssr, did you say she has her own pram etc? Holy shit, my alarm bells are ringing. In your situation I would have a very hard time leaving my baby unattended with her EVER. Wanting the baby overnight on the first week, it would be my fear that she would take my baby and never come back. I'm so sorry, this must be horrendous for you. I thought my stbxh was in his parents' pockets, this is in another league.

Crazy that they've continued to visit during lockdown... Can you call the police on them?

Interesting you say you wear the pants. He's used to deferring to the women in his life. It's just he has to defer more to his mother when there is a conflict in who to defer to, because she makes more noise and gives him more grief. It's also more entrenched in him to appease his mother.

@Jesssr
@Cancin your story sound's very similar to mine. Interesting you ask if OH is controlling. I definitely think I wear the pants in our relationship, but the advice and stories on here have really helped open my eyes. It is entirely possible that he is controlling and I just can't see it for what it is. Cancelling on our friends so he has an easy life with his mother isn't something that I would ever have thought I'd do but I have! Who knows what will come out when I start counselling.
So glad you're having a slighter Easier time away from all of it now

I'm in a similar situation. I thought I was controlling (because he told me I was), but I think that what I actually am (was) is organised, proactive and, at worst, bossy - he's a bloody man-child who needs to be told 20 times to put his dirty socks in the laundry and that you can't recycle pizza boxes.

But when it comes to the real, bigger issues, he is manipulative and controlling.

I've moved to his country and was trying to establish myself/ourselves and he insisted on spending all our spare time with the ILs and when I put my foot down he said I was trying to split his family up.

Interestingly, another name problem as well. DH wanted to name DS after his loser twin brother who I don't get on with. I lost the battle officially, but he has a nickname that he has had from birth that everyone uses - all relatives, friends, teachers, sports teams, doctors, dentist..... Except MIL. Who likes to wind me up by calling him her son's name.

I always think of her as one of those weird wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man things since that. your situation is not funny at all. But that is such a funny description! I can totally imagine her now.

You could have had two months off if you had all stuck to lockdown.

When my DC was born DP’s mother visited us in hospital accompanied by DP’s ex-wife as ex-DIL was like ‘the daughter she had never had’ So picture the scene I’ve had a Caesarian section and nightgown covered in blood and breast leaking with DP his ex-wife and MIL. Hahaha

Lovethesun100 - you shocking for you and how bizarre - why would the x-W want to come?

I totally get why some people tell difficult relatives that their due date is a month ahead and also don’t tell them when they go into labour so that they are not hounded and doorsteped.

@Lovethesun100 - why did the midwife allow them in when you were in this state?

@FourDecades this was 20 years ago, so maybe times have changed. It was visiting hours so they just came in I can remember sitting there in my nighty which was certainly stained To be fair to my DP don’t think he was hugely amused by the situation but they all sat there on the bed together.

@Gutterton shocking isn’t it ?! This was all sometime ago but I have many stories from my upbringing with my own overpowering mother. She once called social services on me because I wasn’t doing things the way that she would ! Then when the health visitor came round she sat there singing nursery rhymes at DC overpowering the conversation I was having with the health visitor Think times have changed and my own mother and MIL was certainly products of postwar upbringing.

Jesssr,

How are you? Is your OH still running around cleaning & being helpful to try & appease & avoid the issue of his Mother's interference? Were you invited to friend's in this glorious & had to cancel because OH's parents showed up or maybe you got to go but they tagged along? It sounds like all kinds of crazy reading your posts. How are you doing these last few days & have there been any positive changes ?

Hey @SionnachGlic
Ha no, the cleaning never lasts very long. Haven't seen his parents in 8 days and everything is great between us. We've spent a really lovely weekend together as a family although he did press to have his parents here yesterday. I just said no, that we were having a family weekend and we would see them some other time. He seemed a bit miffed but didn't complain.
There is definitely have been some positive improvements! I've convinced him that in the interest of our child's safety that he had to physically separate his access and work area for his business from the garden. So now we see him in the morning when he heads off to work and in the evening when he returns. There's no need for his parents to be on our house under the guise of work, and I think that's maybe why We've had a bit of space. It will be much more manageable dealing with all the other issues if we have the space to deal with them rather than constantly being overshadowed.

Feeling much more positive about things and it's all thanks to all of your comments and support. The things said in this thread have really opened my eyes so thank you to every single one of you for taking the time to read and reply.

Well done! Those improvements to your situation sound great

Fantastic, well done to you, that was a good move abt separating work & home, did the trick for now at least. And DH will see the benefits of 'happy wife, no strife'! Hopefully it will encourage him to continue. The odd lapse with the resulting attention to housework could be tolerated maybe. Stick to your guns, OP...your family ahead of MIL's demands & expectations.

Oh that’s brilliant. I’m so happy for you OP. Just keep an eye to make sure it doesn’t start creeping back, but by bit.