Help please! Parents in law are going to ruin my relationship

[Jesssr]

I really need some advice,. Here's a quick back story, sorry it's pretty long.

My partner is an only child to parent's in their late 40s, we are both 30. His parents live 10 minutes from us whilst my whole family life in a different country and my parents are in their 60s.

We had our DS just over a year ago. Before she was born my partner and I discussed our expectations for how involved grandparents would be, child care arrangements etc.
These were particularly important discussions as his mother decided to take a part time job with the expectation that she would have child care duties. When she mentioned this we advised her not to that we didn't want her to look after DS that we felt nursery would be the best solution for our family. She did it anyway and put considerable pressure on my partner to change our arrangements.

Since the day our DS was born she has been intrusive, selfish and immature. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, and my OH is self employed and was unable to take any time off. She called round unannounced everyday for the first two weeks, despite me asking her not to and explaining that I was trying to establish breastfeeding and needed to rest. For the record, she was not there to help she just wanted to hold the baby. Not once did she even so much as offer to make me a cup of tea but made it very clear that I was being rude not offering her one. In the second week she turned up and I refused to let her into the House.

This is where the issues started. She had expectations of having DS overnight in her first week of life. My OH explained to her that this wasn't possible because I was breastfeeding and asked her to back off and give me space. She had also been asked to not post pictures of DS on social media and a few other boundaries were established. She ignored everything.
My OH works solely with his father,and everyday he was getting told how upset his mother was etc. At first because he could also see how upset I was he stood his ground with our request for boundaries, but eventually as time went on he got worn down and started to give in to his mother for an easier life.
The ongoing issues his mother was causing (and he recognised she was the cause) almost forced is to break up on several occasions and I spent much of DS's first year at home in another country with my family.

@GreenTulips that is some very good advice, and I guess that is really what I was doing in the earlier days. But no matter what was planned the conversation always turned back to 'you just don't want to see my mum'. Countless times I had made plans for us to see our friends that all resulted in us having to cancel because his parents were coming over.

I think we might be too far down the line for that tactic to work now. It will always be seen as a way of me trying to avoid seeing her.

Countless times I had made plans for us to see our friends that all resulted in us having to cancel because his parents were coming over.

Why did you feel the need to do this?
You should not be rolling over. Is your OH as demanding, controlling and manipulating as his DM?

It will always be seen as a way of me trying to avoid seeing her.

So what? He can see it how he wants. You are shielding and protecting your time and territory. You have every right to decide who, when, why, where and what about your time and space and that of your child.

GreenTulips That’s a great approach to manage the OH - dropping the rope in the tug of war. Not rising to any provocation or escalating tension at your end.

You would need to find some soothing and powerful mental coping mechanisms not to be emotionally triggered - so that you can disconnect and respond appropriately.

Maybe visualise him as the anxious eager new starter at work who is making clumsy and inappropriate requests of the boss - you just need to calmly respond in a guiding and polite way - hoping that he will get the hang of it in a few weeks.....

You can’t change anyone here - but you can change your emotional intensity, choosing a strategic way to manage them and using specific non defensive / neutral tone responses on rinse and repeat (once) with action consequences to reclaim your motherhood. This will de-escalate and change the dynamic though and your OH will have to work with that and hopefully in time see the light. I think you need to know that deep down he resents her overbearing emotionally volatile controlling ways - but he just hasn’t connected with that sub conscious truth yet - but you don’t want to be provoked into behaviours that are the same as hers. Choose the adult, considered, calm, dignified approach to contrast with her histrionics - he will then find you the much more soothing attractive place to be. In reality he is a frightened little boy with significant emotional deficits because he had an inadequate immature personality disordered parent. He has a lot of reflection, change and emotional growth to do. You can gently lead him through it.

you just don't want to see my mum

And I would answer: no, I don't, because she is rude, manipulative and overbearing. And despite numerous conversations and requests from me, it's clear that you have no intention of doing anything about it, that you prefer for me to be unhappy and be forced to put up with it so that you can have a quiet life rather than have a blunt conversation where you tell her to back off.

Well guess what, I don't have to put up with it. She's not my mother. So no, I don't want to see her - and I have no intention of doing so.

You cant move country without his permission he could seek custody. I have a friend who wants to movement to like Chesterfield from sheffield and he refused and are in court battles at mo. Split up get a house by yourself and have 2 days a week just u time without baby as he will have her then. Why stress spec when u arent married x

But no matter what was planned the conversation always turned back to 'you just don't want to see my mum

Then what you should’ve done is continue with your plans and let him drop out and sit with his parents.

When lockdown is over you make arrangements and say ‘oh I’ve arranged to see Sarah. You have a fun evening’ and leave it at that.

If he says ‘you don’t want to see mum’ repeat it back ...

So in this instance he’s waiting for you to say ‘yes’ so he has a come back ready

When you repeat it back it’s not a question he has an answer to ... STAY SILENT!!! This is key and wait for his answer

This way you haven’t said anything and he has to justify his accusation.

It takes practice.

@Gutterton I honestly don't know why I cancelled plans. Probably because sometimes it was easier than to out up a fight. We feel really alienated from our friends. I think it upsets him more than me because some of the boys meet up without him. But it is my opinion that are friends don't invite us to things because sometimes his parents trapes along too and they don't want to hang out with them. But again I could be totally wrong.

I will be taking this stance from here on. Unless for good reason I will not be cancelling plan's again.

@greentulips that is a great suggestion. I will give it a try thank you.

Good! Stick with it.

As far as you’re concerned you made plans and he broke them. You do not have to socialise together

His parents tag along? Seriously?

As so often in these situations, the problem is really the OH being unable/ unwilling to put on a united front with you, which would enable you to have firm boundaries with your mil. Time for some relationship counselling.

Most things yo7 say she does is ridiculous, like wanting to have her overnight in the first week. Wanting to have her alone is understandable I think, no real reason but it's better bonding time. Only seeing them once a month when she lives close is ridiculous though. Have you sparked her by on,y wanting to see her so little? If you wanted to see her once a week maybe she would've accepted it. She might just think you're ridiculous only wanting her to see her grandchild once a month when they live so close. I think it's crazy to only see their grandparents that little

His parents go out with you and your friends .... and he doesn't see how weird that is??

OMG... l certainly would distance myself if l was your friends

She might just think you're ridiculous only wanting her to see her grandchild once a month when they live so close

Oh get out of it! I’m sure if MIL was a kind considerate living GM once a week would be fine. She isn’t. So it’s not.

Whoops weird typo

Obviously a weekly corpse is not good for young children.

Obviously a weekly corpse is not good for young children.

It might not be good for them, but it would solve the mil problem. 😁

But it is my opinion that are friends don't invite us to things because sometimes his parents trapes along too and they don't want to hang out with them. But again I could be totally wrong.

OMFG.

No you are not wrong. His parents have infiltrated his social life? WTAF!

You should go out with his mates and not tell him either....

They have engulfed your whole life - trying to requisition your child, working out of your home, at your home multiple times a week and then gatecrashing your social life.

This is nuts.

Can you take your child and go back to your country? I wouldn’t stay isolated from your family with a mad mil it’s not going to get any better

Hahaha ok so this will really make you laugh.
Our wedding photographer was an old school friend of OHs. They had agreed between them that they would do a deal to cover some of the package cost by OH doing some work (his photography is amazing). So an evening was arranged for OH to quote our photographer and also for us to discuss our needs, date, must haves etc. Arrived at photographers house to find his parents standing waiting at their door for us!!!! Now I understand fil going as he's business partners with my OH but there was no real need for him to go. But mil being there too? I seriously don't know how my jaw didn't hit the floor. And before anyone assumes they help us financially they don't. Everything we have and do we have bought with our own money, paying for the wedding was going to be no different. They must have wet themselves laughing after we left at being so incapable of attending by ourselves

That is so fucking freaky. Who is giving them the info and permission to infiltrate every nook and cranny of your lives?

This is like boiling the frog.

You said that you lived 300 miles away - why did you move next to them?

I think this was another one of those time's were it was orchestrated between the 3 of them so she could see DS. But it couldn't have been a worse occasion. It was the most awkward meeting of my life

Oh my god this woman is mental! You poor thing.

Sorry missed the second part. OH moved back home because he was struggling to find a job after uni. Shortly after I moved from the deep south to the cold North for work and we did long distance for a while but a promotion happened to open up where he was and I got it so there we have lt. Happy ever after 10 minutes from his parents. Dunno if it's worth adding but we didn't see that much of them pre baby. About every 6 to 8 weeks. Probably why I am struggling so much with the amount of time we spend with them now.

Jesssr, I feel so badly for you, it sounds like a v difficult situation to navigate. You do sound like you want to make it work & establish boundaries for a healthy family dynamic. But no-one else of your OH, MIL or FIL is doing so....save that your OH understands the problem but does not support you in any meaningful way when it comes to setting the boundaries. So your MIL doesn't see that her son agrees with you because he doesn't behave like it.

How does your OH think by giving in to his Mum he will have an easier life...when her behaviour & attitude has you reconsidering your relationship with him? Which will impact on his relationship with his DD. I get it about his work environment & being in the company of his father all day but can he not decline to discuss his personal life & debate decisions & discussions made with you while he is at work. He agrees that his mother is the cause of the problems...to the point that you will stay away for periods of time to avoid the situation. Can you remind him of your discussions & plans before DS arrived around his parents involvement? Did he think the reason that his parents were not having your newborn overnight was down to breastfeeding? Or can he see how unreasonable the overnight expectation was? What is with your MIL running off crying all the time....that is not healthy adult behaviour. I know you know...but does your OH see this? Your MIL's persistent forcing herself on you is totally out of order. Could you & your OH try family/couples counselling... maybe someone else challenging him on his ambivalence to holding firm & forging his own family unit with you & DD might help. I hope it works out for you & that your OH understands & acts before you are pushed too far.

I think a few hours a week is enough for grandparents to visit or vice versa & the odd day out together maybe for a special occasion. I don't like too much pattern/routine in case it turns into 'we always go to DS & DIL for Sun lunch'! And suddenly you are in the bad books if you cancel for a friend's BBQ!

Stay strong & I hope you & OH can work it out together.

There is lots of evidence that your OH doesn’t actually like his DM. The fact that you only ever saw her every 6-8 weeks pre baby and him dumping on you to entertain her. The once a month post baby catch-up seems reasonable and is twice as often as pre baby.

Your baby has escalated / triggered some MH / trauma issue with your MIL - probably related to some unresolved issue of being a teenage Mum. Seems like she has projected that into YOUR child - thinks she is entitled to engulf your baby. She needs counselling!

Her behaviour is insane - and dangerous - to your baby, marriage and your own MH.

I think that your counselling will help you manage communication your OH differently and in time if he joins you in counselling he will soon see the light and learn to assert himself with his DM.

But in the interim - you need to understand what a dysfunctional, unhealthy mess this is - how it causes deep stress for you which will be transmitted to you baby and cause her distress - therefore you need to take control of the situation in order to protect your own MH. I am sure you will get good guidance how to effectively manage and support your DH - it is no surprise that he lacks confidence with such a crazy DM - so might need to handle him more strategically as if he has you upping the ante from the other end he will just be the paralysed rabbit in the headlights.

Wow just wow.

He most definitely in the FOG and well done for putting the breaks on the wedding.

You are not doing anything wrong and personally I’d try and move far, far away.