Help please! Parents in law are going to ruin my relationship

[Jesssr]

I really need some advice,. Here's a quick back story, sorry it's pretty long.

My partner is an only child to parent's in their late 40s, we are both 30. His parents live 10 minutes from us whilst my whole family life in a different country and my parents are in their 60s.

We had our DS just over a year ago. Before she was born my partner and I discussed our expectations for how involved grandparents would be, child care arrangements etc.
These were particularly important discussions as his mother decided to take a part time job with the expectation that she would have child care duties. When she mentioned this we advised her not to that we didn't want her to look after DS that we felt nursery would be the best solution for our family. She did it anyway and put considerable pressure on my partner to change our arrangements.

Since the day our DS was born she has been intrusive, selfish and immature. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, and my OH is self employed and was unable to take any time off. She called round unannounced everyday for the first two weeks, despite me asking her not to and explaining that I was trying to establish breastfeeding and needed to rest. For the record, she was not there to help she just wanted to hold the baby. Not once did she even so much as offer to make me a cup of tea but made it very clear that I was being rude not offering her one. In the second week she turned up and I refused to let her into the House.

This is where the issues started. She had expectations of having DS overnight in her first week of life. My OH explained to her that this wasn't possible because I was breastfeeding and asked her to back off and give me space. She had also been asked to not post pictures of DS on social media and a few other boundaries were established. She ignored everything.
My OH works solely with his father,and everyday he was getting told how upset his mother was etc. At first because he could also see how upset I was he stood his ground with our request for boundaries, but eventually as time went on he got worn down and started to give in to his mother for an easier life.
The ongoing issues his mother was causing (and he recognised she was the cause) almost forced is to break up on several occasions and I spent much of DS's first year at home in another country with my family.

Sporadicnamechange, your post has really hit home with me. My OH was really upset every time I left but if he was that upset he could have done something about it. How have I never realized this before

@PicsInRed nowhere did I say unsupervised so well done for reading that properly.

I know first hand how this can turn out, my MIL is a bloody nutter

You have a partner problem.
Tell him the mil stops it or your going to your family as soon as is possible.
This isn't good for your child or you.
She is toxic and your partner hasn't got your back, hence no respect for you at all.
Go home to your family, they don't deserve you.

I think, @Jesssr, you've never realised it because you've been so busy thinking of yourself as the 'problem'. It sounds like you're very used to putting your partner's feelings first.

I do think getting yourself some counselling will be really helpful.

After years on end dealing with such kind of dramas, I fell out of love, ended the marriage and have been very very happy since I removed all that toxicity from my life.

The fact that they are family, doesn’t mean they cannot be abusive or suffer from very serious control issues.

@SporadicNamechange in the interest of being totally honest to get the best advice and not just the advice I want to hear, I'm not sure I 100% agree. I certainly saw mil as the problem when I was going over the edge with PNA. I did try to avoid seeing her and i can't deny it must have been hard for my OH to not share the joy of having a beautiful baby. But, after ds was about 6 month's old and my PNA eased up I very much wondered if I was actually the problem.

I think everyone is right in saying that he doesn't have my back and that's food for thought. It's far more important to me that our child grows up seeing respect, and in a good environment than my own happiness.
Very much looking forward to counseling, I know it's probably going to make me have some big light bulb moment's, but so has this thread.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Children need emotionally healthy grandparents, your future in-laws do not fit the bill at all.

Why would you want his parents to have any sort of a relationship with your child?. All that will happen now re this is that your son will grow up seeing his grandparents continually disrespecting you as his mother. They were not good parents to your awful fiancé when he was growing up, what makes you at all think that your son seeing them going forward would be a good idea?. It is not and it could well become a decision you will regret making.

You need to leave your fiancé and his abusive parents behind, your fiancé is very much a product of his own crap upbringing at the hands of this terrible twosome.

I would also suggest you start reading Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

Again, you’re taking the blame.

You had post natal anxiety. And were really struggling. But still you feel like you did something terrible by not putting his need to let his mum be overbearing come first.

i wouldn't be marrying this man to honest, it would also mean marrying his mum and dad too. there would be 4 people in your marriage.

Your MIL’s behaviour is such a cliche.

She controls everyone 24/7 with her sulks, demands and threats of emotional outbursts - so OH and FIL are trained to walk on eggshells and meet her every whim - because they are terrified of her erupting.....

BUT - really you all just need to call her bluff - what’s the worst that happens - she runs off crying ! Who gives a shit - yaaawwwnnn.

Weather it. Put some manners on her with proper consequences - time out / excluding her - like a naughty step for a whinging toddler.

This is a cliched toxic enmeshed family with all the usual pantomime characters and their predicable scripts - the narcissistic, volatile, controlling, deluded, overbearing, entitled MIL, the spineless, fake, enabling hatchet man, who does all her bidding for her, your FIL and the engulfed, facilitator, golden child (your OH) who lives in total FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and his purpose in life is to please his DM, not rock the boat - then you the interloper who threatens to expose and unsettle their dysfunctional little set up. And of course the baby which she sees as hers to engulf and mould into one of them.

Step back - do some reading on these things and you will see the whole pantomime playing out in front of your eyes.

This has already caused you and your baby extreme distress for many many months. Your OH needs to decide if is an adult, a parent, a partner/husband - with his own new unique little family - or is he still enmeshed as the golden child in his toxic narc family.

I would really consider separation tbh. I think there are serious control issues for both you and your mil. Your child is still too young to be aware , but it would be unfair on them to have to be stuck in this tug of war, as your husband is. I can’t see how you can get past this.

@Gutterton yep all of this is spot on

You have a MIL and OH problem. He needs to put you and your child first. My ex-husband wouldn’t put me first and that was one of the reasons we divorced. Your MIL needs to get her own life and get off everyone’s case

You’re husband has really done a number on you, OP. I’m actually more angry at him, than I am at your mil. He’s made it very plain from his actions, that his mother is his family and you’re just the mother of his child. Mil comes first every single time and your feelings and wishes are totally manipulated by him.

I can just see him manipulating and bullying your child to give granny a kiss, when DS reaches that inevitable stage of saying “NO! to everything. Then it’ll be, ‘but granny wants you to stay over, visit, etc”. Your poor son is going to end up as manipulated and damaged as you. Make no mistake, their behaviour is damaging you.

I imagine your depression would have lifted a lot sooner if they hadn’t been pishing all over your wishes.

I'm so sorry OP, a newborn is hard enough without the drama of a spoilt child MIL as well.
I think sadly you have some serious thinking to do.
She's always going to be part of the relationship can you cope with that?
Your DH clearly does not have your back - and if he doesn't by now he's never going to.

Time to think about you and DD.
If you do leave you will need to accept that MIL will have an element of control when DD is with her dad because he's too weak to say no but the rest of the time you wouldn't need to have anything else to do with her!

This is very toxic, you’re all at war. I’m absolutely sure if they all posted their views would be very different to yours.

And for that reason. I’m not going to cast judgement. I am going to say when someone has to pick between their partner and their family it seldom has a successful outcome for the partner op. Not in the long term

As such I suggest you all try to find a compromise, and stop fighting, because if you all keep digging your heels in and attacking each other, with your partner in thr middle, it’s very likely you will loose,

I can just see him manipulating

Really? So you know the op and her partner? That’s why you’re “ angry”

Can you be the business helper instead of his dad?

My ex's mum was VERY much like this. Eventually she said as far as she was concerned I didn't exist and ex took dcs over to see her and thought her behaviour was acceptable a his inability to stand up for me is part of the reason we split. We were together 18 years

Buy her two puppies.

I don’t really have any advice because this really is a crap situation. I just want to say I feel for you. I couldn’t stand it. Nobody would dare tell me what I could or couldn’t do with my baby and if my MIL had dared trying to take him from me in those first few weeks I would have ripped her fucking head off. She wouldn’t though. She lives hours away and is a nice person. She comes for a few weeks a year so it’s perfect. I recommend moving at least 2 hours drive away. You need a fresh start hours away. This is YOUR family. You are in charge that baby is yours and you say what goes. You don’t have to be nice and you don’t have to let anybody have any overnights. Tell them all to go F themselves and you’ll see them in court. Don’t let her near your kid again. Who the hell does she think she is!

As such I suggest you all try to find a compromise, and stop fighting, because if you all keep digging your heels in and attacking each other, with your partner in thr middle, it’s very likely you will loose

The OP is the only person in the whole situation who has tried to find a compromise, while her partner has manipulated her and ignored her wishes and her mil gets to do whatever she wants.

"There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying."

I suggest you and your partner get counselling and perhaps give her an inch. How old is your child now? Why not ask her to look after your son for an hour a week so you can get out and get some exercise/time away from the house. That way you don't have to see her and she gets time with her grandson. But set boundaries and don't let her push it

I do admit that in the early month's I did go out of my way to ensure I wasn't at home when I knew she was coming but massively eased up on this when my PNA eased up at 6 month's

Did she see your child at all during those months? Apart from those first few weeks?

Perhaps your partner needs a business coach or consultant to advise on his business that sets the business back on neutral grounds, rather than something his parents have a say in. Family business come fraught with difficulties regarding boundaries - as you are experiencing. If your OH was asked to draw out his life on a page, it sounds like there would be too many overlapping times than healthy family boundaries would permit. You cannot solve this on your own, but an approach might be to make him plot out work - family (you and baby) - parents - and see how crowded out you are.