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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I overreact by calling the police?

186 replies

sleepyhorse · 20/05/2020 22:11

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

OP posts:
Feelthefear01 · 20/05/2020 22:16

I think you should be packing his bags and showing him where the door is.

LexMitior · 20/05/2020 22:16

You did the wrong thing letting him back in. Now you have a far bigger problem.

Calling the police is okay. If you pushed a stranger backwards, hurting them, that’s a criminal assault.

Sounds like you are otherwise surrounded by people who want you right where you are and not to change things.

franke · 20/05/2020 22:17

Yes, yes you did do the right thing. The police arrested him. They have photos of your injuries. He has been abusing you mentally and emotionally for some time.

You deserve do much better. Shame on your mother and your brother, minimising the abuse. Please tell me you're making plans to leave.

franke · 20/05/2020 22:19

When I say leave, I mean end this sorry excuse for a relationship.

Flowers
Cheesypea · 20/05/2020 22:21

Youve done nothing wrong op. This doccumentary was very informative op. www.channel5.com/show/how-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship

Opentooffers · 20/05/2020 22:21

Sounds like you need separate lives, not just rooms. Have you asked him to leave? Have you talked of divorce? Sounds like you need to take steps to finish this properly.

GoldenZigZag · 20/05/2020 22:21

You 100% did the right thing, not just for you but for the kids too.

Mary1935 · 20/05/2020 22:22

Oh yes you did the right thing. Sod your family.
The only error was you not pressing charges on him.
Hopefully he will learn his lesson but the worry is he will ruminate and get angrier.
Are there plans to get him out or divorce him.
If someone assaulted your mother and brother would they just allow it?
That is not a nice reaction from your family.
Where you bought up with violence?
I’m sorry you experienced this.
Is the bully going to get you a new phone?
Has he apologies.

Obviously this situation is not sustainable.
Please look up FOG - fear obligation and guilt.
Your mother isn’t healthy.
You certainly did the right thing sleepyhorse. Please do not feel guilty.
🌺

MondeoFan · 20/05/2020 22:22

I've had this with my ex DH. I used to tell my mum bits and pieces like when he shouted in my face and threw all my make up all over the front drove etc.
It was actually my mum that suggested I should call the police next time he does it.
And I did call the police. The police took him overnight and put him in the cell mainly to calm him down as he was very angry when police arrived. He said same to me that I should never have called police and I wasted their time etc basically playing the whole situation down.
He pushed me into my babies cot when she was in it.
I'm still adamant I did the right thing.
Around a year later he did it again and I called the police again.

LovingLola · 20/05/2020 22:23

Can you decide not to press charges? Is that not a decision made by the police based on the evidence they have?

Sunbird24 · 20/05/2020 22:23

You did absolutely the right thing, he assaulted you! Do they honestly think if you’d hit him back he wouldn’t have got worse? He’s now trying to minimise it so you feel like you were in the wrong, but personally I’d be making sure He knows if he tries it again the police will be coming back, and this time charges will be pressed...

Original poster
sleepyhorse · 20/05/2020 22:23

Yes I am planning on leaving and have been for ages but it’s complicated because we bought a house a few years to do up as a project with my mum that we have now turned into into 2 houses but because of lockdown we haven’t been able to get the 2nd house in my mums name yet. So I need to sort that. Then see a divorce lawyer and get the hell out of here!!

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 20/05/2020 22:25

Your mum and brother are almost as disgusting as your DH. Sorry you went through this OP.
FWIW, you did the right thing

Yellowshirt · 20/05/2020 22:25

You 100% did the right thing. If you had pressed charges though he would probably have to leave your home which sounds safer for you.

chickedeee · 20/05/2020 22:26

You did the right thing, what if you had fallen and hit your head and blacked out would you be so unsure?

Please leave or get him to leave (more tricky)

Make a plan, next time you may be unable to call for help

Ring Women's Aid please this is not your fault Thanks

Greentrees33 · 20/05/2020 22:26

I don’t think you over reacted. Why are you still with him and do you plan on leaving soon?

Your post reminded me of how my husband used to get angry and very almost used to be physically abusive towards me. We had gone through a traumatic time and later realised he was depressed and had suppressed a lot of emotions. He seemed to only hate me and everyone believed he was this nice guy (which he is usually when he is in his right mind). Anyway we separated for a while, almost divorced but went through a tough period lately and have found each other again (and he is much more healthy mentally)

Is there a cause for this? As in is he having a breakdown over unresolved issues- not that it makes it ok.

ThingDoer · 20/05/2020 22:29

Are you the loft beds/cray ladders person? Yes you did the right thing and absolutely you need to get out, house complications or not.

Original poster
sleepyhorse · 20/05/2020 22:37

He is obsessed with our house. It’s all about image with him and there is absolutely no way he will leave this house. The only way I’m going to be able to move forward with this is by getting a solicitor involved.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 20/05/2020 22:38

No, you did the right thing. That's assault. And you know he's dangerous, he's started kicking off to some extent again the night after he's back from a cell. He'll carry on exploding like this at any time.
Please leave, he's not safe to be around. xxx

LordOftheRingz · 20/05/2020 22:42

im sorry you just need to leave and let the chips fall where they will. Houses can be sold, dead people can not live again.

pooopypants · 20/05/2020 22:43

YANBU by calling the police

YABU to not press charges though

Please get out ASAP

IWillNotNameTheTree · 20/05/2020 22:43

Get an occupation order.

It can be pushed through court in 24 hours, especially where there is abuse involved. It’s free, you just pay for your solicitor. Some lovely ladies here recommended it to me recently.

You absolutely did the right thing calling the police, stay safe OP you are most at risk while ending the relationship x

pooopypants · 20/05/2020 22:43

YANBU by calling the police

YABU to not press charges though

Please get out ASAP

glitterfarts · 20/05/2020 22:44

He'd have to leave if you pressed charges. You'd then get legal aid, and possibly an occupation order. Call the police and ask if you can change your mind.

Scott72 · 20/05/2020 22:49

The police report now forms a body of evidence which can be used against him should he do something like this, or worse, again. But you should leave him.