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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I overreact by calling the police?

186 replies

sleepyhorse · 20/05/2020 22:11

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

OP posts:
BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 20/05/2020 23:54

My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police.

You absolutely do not need these people in your life. You did the right thing calling the police. It's unfathomable to me that any family member could say otherwise to someone that had been assaulted. It is so important that this behaviour is documented now in case, heaven forbid, it escalates.

Thanks for you Op. No one should have to go through that.

The CAB would beg to differ.

CAB say that some solicitors give 30 minutes of free advice, and that you might be able to get a short appointment for free, not that anyone is entitled to it. Absolutely ring around and ask or google to see if any near you do, but it isn't an entitlement.

Original poster
sleepyhorse · 20/05/2020 23:56

Dishingoutdone - they live next door (brother only staying temporarily there during lockdown) I have seen a solicitor but he told me I need to get house signed over to my mum first before I go down the divorce route

OP posts:
Taddda · 21/05/2020 00:01

They live next door??

Josette77 · 21/05/2020 00:03

You did not overreact. CPS may contact you and hopefully have advice. Is he the children's biological father?

Jux · 21/05/2020 00:07

Please press charges next time - there will be one.

Did you tell your mum exactly what he did without minimising it? Next time, tell everyone exactly what he did, without pulling your punches, glossing it over or in any other way making sound less than it was.

Don't let him back in either. Tell the police that you don't want him there any more, that you're not safe and your children aren't safe (they aren't and you aren't).

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you are not to blame. Try not to feel responsible, and especially not ashamed! If anyone feels those things, I should be him.

Your mum and brother are wrong wrong wrong. You deserve better all round.

theliteraturemachine · 21/05/2020 00:12

Not a single person in this thread thinks you were wrong, so take that as a message of sorts.

JasonPollack · 21/05/2020 00:17

OP did you post before about some terrifying loft-beds?

Are you waiting for your husband to sign.over the house? Because I'm not sure he's going to do that. Not if he knows that he has you trapped waiting for it.

DishingOutDone · 21/05/2020 00:19

@sleepyhorse - I think you need to get a second opinion now that things are escalating; how long will all this take?

DishingOutDone · 21/05/2020 00:19

(I mean the "signing over" bit) - can you really wait that long?

Cailleachian · 21/05/2020 00:20

Oh I remember the ridiculous stairs.

Do you feel safe being in the same house as him, because he sounded utterly unhinged on the last thread, and now he'd become violent. Can you get your brother to come stay with you at the moment until you get an occupation order to get him out of the house?

copperoliver · 21/05/2020 00:27

You did the right thing and you should have also changed the locks and left his clothes on the doorstep. X

Samtsirch · 21/05/2020 00:27

@ItsGoingTibiaK
Just right there
Where you said it.

ItsGoingTibiaK · 21/05/2020 00:44

@Samtsirch

What do you mean?

ineedaholidaynow · 21/05/2020 01:22

I thought your mum was supportive of you over the loft bed incident. Can’t she see what your DH is like?

DameHannahRelf · 21/05/2020 01:34

Yes you were right to the call the police, your family were wrong to downplay this and advise you to hit back, yes you should be divorcing this twat, this will happen again. And yes social services will be in contact with you at some stage (automatic referals in cases such as this, charges made or not), as he was violent, and there are children in the home. They will remind you of your duty of care towards your children, how damaging witnessing domestic abuse can be, and that their care and well being should come first, and that they may be removed from your care if you can't ensure their safety Sad

"Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police"

Please leave this bastard and take as much help from womens aid etc as possible, or he'll ruin your life, especially if he now thinks your soft for not pressing charges/that he's got away with it. He clearly doesn't have one iota of regret for how he's treated you, or the impact on your dc.

DameHannahRelf · 21/05/2020 01:39

"You did the wrong thing letting him back in. Now you have a far bigger problem"

^Or this as the 2nd pp put it so succinctly.

Taddda · 21/05/2020 04:43

@DameHannahRelf is correct in her post OP, you really can't minimise (or be seen to minimise) what he has done either (even though your mother and brother seem to think this is okay, who advises their lo to 'hit back' ffs!)...

Phone a solicitor, engage with womens aid and think about making a formal statement with support, you still can- You do need out of this and you need to show you know this isn't a healthy environment for you and your children to be living in. It's really important to get a bit pro active now, there is help out there Flowers

It is difficult, especially with your living situation- can your brother move in with you for now as the pp suggested? That's actually really good advice.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 21/05/2020 04:52

I decided against pressing charges

That’s weird. The concept of “pressing charges” doesn’t exist in England - it’s the police/CPS’s decision, not the victim’s decision. Think Caroline Flack.

But if you were the one to drop charges - Why? You’ve just let a volatile, angry person back into your house. He isn’t even apologetic. He thinks his actions were justified and that you deserved it. He doesn’t see an issue, and in fact you’re the one in the wrong in his eyes as you called the police. He thinks his actions have no consequences now because you won’t support a prosecution, so he can do whatever he likes to you.

So again, why? You’ve only just put yourself in a worse situation when you should be protecting yourself and your children.

timeisnotaline · 21/05/2020 05:06

Do you think he will sign the house over to your mum? What’s holding him up there honestly? It seems obvious it’s not in his best interests. I’m glad you know you need to leave, he is nuts.

MsDogLady · 21/05/2020 06:16

This controlling, narcissistic man is extremely abusive.

I recall your thread about the dangerous stairs/lofts that H had built to impress his friends. He was making your boys sleep up there, even though your son with autism is afraid of heights. He totally disregarded your grave concerns for the boys’ safety. When you told your child you would make up the mattress so he could sleep down in his room, H pushed you (with son present) and took the mattress up the ladder. You slept up there with the 2 boys, all of you on one single mattress. When you took the boys to spend a night at your mum’s, H objected and retrieved them to sleep at home up top.

Posters were aghast at your photos of the shoddy, unsafe stairs built too close to 2nd floor windows. When the building inspector you summoned declared them ‘death traps’ and ruled that they must come down, your H was furious at you and threatened divorce. He accused you of ruining 2 years worth of planning. He even tried to block the builders from tearing down the stairs. Winning was his priority, not his children’s safety.

You described H as being verbally abusive, intimidating, controlling and undermining behind closed doors. He regularly curses you and calls you lazy, stupid and selfish. He has pushed you and thrown objects at you.

Now his violence has escalated and the abuse will continue to ramp up. He is full of anger and hostility, and he will continue to shift blame and use you as his kicking post.

Please, please find a way to leave this abusive dominator. This toxic home is a terribly damaging environment for your boys.

Taddda · 21/05/2020 06:35

@Mnthrowaway20202 is also right, it's not your decision to 'press charges' as such, I just took it as you didnt make a formal statement? If they have enough evidence without your statement CPS can decide to go ahead, if not, NFA- but there will be a follow up from services.

Tbh, if @MsDogLady post is accurate about a previous thread you really do need to end this relationship asap -

SunshineCake · 21/05/2020 06:41

You did the absolute right thing.

Today you should file for divorce and get him out.

You missed your chance there by refusing to press charges though surely that is down to the police ?

Your mother and brother are idiots. Since there is a pool involved if you'd hit him back you could have ended up drowning in the pool.

  • just seen it is a paddling pool but it wouldn't have ended well if you'd hit him back. Pathetic men like him don't take kindly to being hit by someone they see as beneath them.
DameHannahRelf · 21/05/2020 06:44

If what MsDogLady wrote is correct, good God you need to get the house sorted and get the hell out of dodge! What are you waiting for?

"He was making your boys sleep up there, even though your son with autism is afraid of heights" Angry

IWillNotNameTheTree · 21/05/2020 07:47

The police will go ahead and press charges anyway if they believe the injuries are severe enough to secure a conviction, please call them back and press charges.

I wouldn’t normally say to leave the family home but I am concerned for your safety, could you go to your mums?

DameHannahRelf · 21/05/2020 07:53

The police won't press charges if he was cautioned though? If he hadn't accepted the caution, then maybe?