Did I overreact by calling the police?

[sleepyhorse]

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

Will never understand why people call the police then don't press charges. You've wasted their time

*I recall your thread about the dangerous stairs/lofts that H had built to impress his friends. He was making your boys sleep up there, even though your son with autism is afraid of heights. He totally disregarded your grave concerns for the boys’ safety. When you told your child you would make up the mattress so he could sleep down in his room, H pushed you (with son present) and took the mattress up the ladder. You slept up there with the 2 boys, all of you on one single mattress. When you took the boys to spend a night at your mum’s, H objected and retrieved them to sleep at home up top.

Posters were aghast at your photos of the shoddy, unsafe stairs built too close to 2nd floor windows. When the building inspector you summoned declared them ‘death traps’ and ruled that they must come down, your H was furious at you and threatened divorce. He accused you of ruining 2 years worth of planning. He even tried to block the builders from tearing down the stairs. Winning was his priority, not his children’s safety.

You described H as being verbally abusive, intimidating, controlling and undermining behind closed doors. He regularly curses you and calls you lazy, stupid and selfish. He has pushed you and thrown objects at you. *

Are your children aware of his abuse? I bet they are. What makes you think he is a good father or that they ‘adore’ him. Are they maybe terrified of him but pretend to adore him so that his violence is not turned on them ?

Your relatives are ignorant and uncaring. The only thing you did wrong here was not to have him charged.

Take great care of your safety, at home. Start preparing your exit strategy, or get him to leave if possible op.
Next time maybe more serious, broken bones etc. Never accept this behaviour.
Good luck

He is a fucking terrible dad who menaces his autistic child into terrifying situations. Op you’re so lost in the fog still. He is hurting the kids all the time.

An occupation order let's you stay in the home with the children and your DH has to move out of the home somewhere else.

The police should of asked/rang you after questioning do you want him home.

Start saving what you can now

There's no reason you can't ask him to leave and you should.
it's an awful atmosphere for your children.
get him to leave, he can go to his parents? friends?

I remember that thread with the unsafe stairs.
Your still with him those poor kids. I'm sorry but nothing is so complicated you put your kids through this.
They deserve better than the both of you, I'm afraid.
I've every sympathy for you, but you should have him gone by now.

I guess I just wanted him to have a wake up call and learn from this

Those don’t sound like the words of someone who wishes to leave. Those sound like the words of someone fully intent of staying and who just wishes their partner to behave, like the adult version of I’m telling mum on you.

I also remember the horrific mezzanine issue, and am surprised you’re still there.

I'm staggered to realise that this OP is the same one who posted about the dangerous stairs/loft issue way back.
Bloody hell, your poor sons, this is well messed up for them.
Stop making them endure this toxic relationship.

You are as bad as he is by making your sons endure this horrific, toxic and abusive family life. The father might be abusive but you are enabling the abuser by not putting your sons welfare first.

Can someone link to the other thread?

There's been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line as 'pressing charges' is an American term and not in choice of a victim in the UK. I don't know what was said to you to make you think this, but I hope you're getting better legal advice today.

Not a choice* of the victim and the terminology isn't used like this, either re 'pressing charges'.

There's been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line as 'pressing charges' is an American term and not in choice of a victim in the UK

Absolutely this.
The Police surely did a risk assessment? They are supposed to.
The Crown Prosecution Service make the decision re charges, not the OP?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786695-Is-DH-having-some-kind-of-mental-breakdown

I think this is the thread where OP was worried about husband's behaviour.

Yes.

You're right, you're mum and brother are wrong.

I think in these scenarios its useful to think of what we would want our children to do if they were in that situation because we often put up with alot more ourselves than we would want our children to go through and you are worth just as much as your children. If that makes sense.

So in 20 years time would you want you daughter in that situation? Would you feel like she was out of order for calling the police? How would you want her to act - Now do that.

Regarding pressing charges.

In the UK the term is making an allegation

So what has probably happened here (I've not read entire thread) is police were called but ultimately the op didn't want to have a statement taken.
He still gets arrested and interviewed but without a victim statement that supports an allegation it doesn't really go far.

The fact he's been cautioned, that is if it's a proper formal caution. Means he admitted what happened in interview and accepted the caution as a means of finalising the crime.
If so he now has a criminal record for either common assault for the push or criminal damage for the phone. Or both.

Unfortunately because it's also his house the police can't actually stop him coming back to the house.

You did the right thing op however it doesn't sound like he's learnt from this, plough ahead with the divorce and if he does it again, call the police again, and this time press charges

Yes you did the right thing. Bloody terrible that your family doesn’t support you. Don’t ask them for advice on this issue ever again. Make plans to leave

The thing is he is really good with the kids and having him permanently removed from the house I think would have traumatised the kids as they adore him, he would never hurt them.

You need to rephrase your thinking. If he was “good” with your kids, he wouldn’t constantly be volatile and angry or and subject them to an environment with constant arguments. If he would never hurt the kids, he would never assault you either - abuse of their mum is obviously traumatic for them to witness or be around. They’re scared.

If him being permanently removed from the house means they now live in a calm, safe environment without the constant arguments and violence, it’s obviously the better option.

YOU are hurting your children by allowing him to stay and continue as he has been. This isn’t a bloody “wake up call” for him - he has NO regrets so why would he feel guilty and change his behaviour?

If you think living in that atmosphere is not hurting your kids you need to wake up love.

You should have pressed charges. Please go and tell the police you have changed your mind and would like to press charges.

The thing is he is really good with the kids and having him permanently removed from the house I think would have traumatised the kids as they adore him, he would never hurt them. His issue is with me. If he did it again then I would absolutely press charges.

He has a track record of making your children do things that are unsafe and that upset them.

I'm sure you never thought he would hurt you until he did.

Unfortunately you need to step up and see that he is NOT a "brilliant dad" as people all too often describe selfish parents on here.

I read your previous thread and was shocked at his total disregard of not just their safety and happiness but your right to have an equal say.

You are subjecting your boys to an emotionally unstable and abusive environment. Just because he doesn't hit them doesn't mean he is a good father with their best interests at heart.

Remember you all sharing that single mattress because of him? How dare he.