Did I overreact by calling the police?

[sleepyhorse]

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

I think my mum and brother are a bit old fashioned and just thought it was a fight that got out of hand and that we could have all sat down as a family afterwards and sorted it out. They don’t see him as an abuser because like the police said last night, people can be very different behind closed doors. They see him as a thoughtful, friendly, helpful, sociable and funny guy. And he is all of this with everyone else. Just not me. It’s so frustrating because I think people that know us probably just think I’m making it up! I feel like I’m going mad!

Have you posted before about him getting stairs built in a ridiculous way and refusing to remove them when building regs said they were dangerous?
House situation sounds familiar to another thread

@Ipadipod
Not always, they have to look at the best interests of the victim, and weigh up the options.

Yes I’m the mezzanine/stairs lady

Yes you should have called the police
Yes you should have pressed charges, he will now think he got away with you
Yes your mother and brother are wrong and of i5 had happened to me I would finding it very hard to forgive that they think it’s ok for someone, anyone, to assault me. They should be supporting you. Talk to the, again, explaining he hurt you

And you should not have let him back in the house. I would now be not doing anything for him and be leav8ng asap

No Op you didn't overreact! I would have packed his bags and left them on the doorstep when the police released him! Your mum and brother sound like unsupportive twats (no offence). Leave him at the first opportunity OP if he gets away with physically abusing you once then he'll do it again. You poor thing sending you lots of tea and sympathy . Don't let this man bully you to the point where you think you're mad OP you most definitely are not mad no one should have to put up with being abused.

sleepyhorse - you must feel so confused and horrible right now. You have been treated appallingly and although you know in your heart it is not right to remain in the relationship, it is very hard to end it for so many reasons.
Please get some advice from a solicitor. If money is an issue there are One Stop Shops and other Domestic Violence advice lines which can help you.
I was advised not to leave the house as it might make your claim on somewhere to live with your kids weaker (from a friend who went through a similarly difficult separation/divorce from an abusive partner - this was what her solicitor advised and she is now in the house with the children and he had to leave, despite bitterly disputing it).
My heart goes out to you and your children. But particularly you - to have your mother and brother belittle the behaviour is betraying you all over again.
If there is a friend or neighbour whom you can trust, get a support network in place. Awareness of emotional abuse and coercive control is growing (painfully slowly, but it is improving) and this is exactly what you are experiencing.
Please take care and get some advice and support.

He‘s an arse and a dangerous one. Do your best to get out, sod what your mother and brother think. This is no way to live.

Are you in the UK? I don't understand why the police are not pursuing this regardless of what you want. Or him being allowed to return home.

My brother would be there punching him back. Who tells their sister to stay in an abusive relationship?
Leave now

You should have pressed charges and refused to allow him back.
Now you have put yourself in big danger.
Your mother and brother are WRONG.
My hysband escalated and I was almost killed in a similar situation/

You did the right thing calling the police. But were wrong not to press charges and also let him back in. He'll do it again. He won't have learnt a thing.

How can a mother be ok with their child, young or adult, being assaulted?! I have two adult daughters and if either of their partners ever laid a hand on them I would be contacting the police myself.

I always smile at the idea that people are in some way entitled to 30 free minutes of a lawyer's time for their marital disputes. Some solicitors might do it as a loss leader but its not any sort of entitlement. Lawyers are running businesses like anybody else. You wouldn't expect 30 free minutes from a plumber or builder because your marriage was unhappy. I think the OP did the right thing calling the police rather than her family's suggestion of a brawl with somebody who is probably bigger and stronger.

you did the right thing; just wish the charges hadn't been dropped, because now he's gotten away with assaulting you.

Your mum and brother are awful for not supporting you and suggesting you get physical back. WTF is wrong with your family?!

Can you get the charges reinstated?

Maybe post on the legal board about the occupation order?

He accepted the caution from the Police, the only was this is possible is if he admitted what he had done. Therefore he knows he’s done wrong and he knows the Police don’t think you’ve overreacted, otherwise there would’ve been no further action. You now have it on record that he has admitted to being violent towards you.

You definitely did the right thing ringong the police.

I think you should still press charges, particularly if that would prevent him from returning to the house.

He is a bad man.

Think about calling the police and telling them you wisg to press charges.

Tell them you want him out.

Your poor children.

Your mother and brother are appalling.

@Samtsirch

The CAB would beg to differ.

Where do Citizens Advice say that anyone is “entitled to 30 minutes free advice from a solicitor”?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

Can you change your mind and press charges?

I'm in the US and here it's not up to the victim, it's up to the authorities whether or not to press charges. I thought it was the same in the UK. Of course, there are times they don't pursue if the victim makes it clear that they won't testify or give a statement. Absent major injuries they do need the victims cooperation to build a successful case.

If your family doesn't have your back, don't confide in them.

I don't think you should wait one more second in getting legal advice. Lay the whole houses situation out for them and ask what the fastest way you can get out of it and still retain your rights to your fair share.

100% you did the right thing. I just wish you hadn't let him back in the house

Sorry OP, have you had a phone call from victim support or Social Services? Its unusual for him to just be allowed home following an arrest for DV without you being asked some questions as to why you didn't make a formal statement? Just to check on your safety and if it's safe for both parties to be in the same home together, especially as you have young children?
Did you say you over reacted or made a mistake to the police? There still might be a follow up, I'd make a phone call to a solicitor if you can?

I'm sorry your going through this, you absolutely do have to leave this relationship

he has not got away with it completely. He has been cautioned, his dna will be on file, you don't get more than one chance, depending on which force, they will throw the book at him next time...

OP have you got the means to get professional advice? Have you spoken to any of the helplines for abuse? Why haven't you seen the solicitor its been a while since you posted about the stairs thing - you could get an occupation order based on what he's done already.

Do your mum and brother live in the houses with you?

And I think the police should come back a couple of days later to ask if you still want to not go through with court etc.. when you are in the midst of it, it is difficult to think.