Did I overreact by calling the police?

[sleepyhorse]

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

Get him out of the house and if he gets angry call them again and make sure he does come back. You totally did right thing

You did the right thing.

There is a pattern of abuse emerging and the police need to know. If you ever fight for custody and bring up violence, the first thing they'll say if it's that bad is 'and why didn't you call the police?'.

Of course you did the right thing, he assaulted you. Is there any way you can move next door away from him? If not do not get into any arguments or discussions with him. He is at his most dangerous now you have said it's finished. Just keep your head down until the legal side can be sorted out.

She's in denial about the level of abuse going on and of her role as an enabler.

She's a victim of an abusive man - her role in this is 'victim', not 'enabler' -

The level of control and manipulation these people have is unbelievable - if she is in denial it's because he's put her there.

She's reaching out on this thread, I'd really hope if she does come back that people will be slightly more gentle by way of approach, listen and continue to offer some support, advice and guidance instead of annihilating her for her previous thread in that she hasn't already left-

She seems to be on the right path, it takes many women years to even see this is no situation to be in, or that there is even a problem as it becomes so normalised by the abuser-

@sleepyhorse stay strong. I really hope you make those phone calls, get some support around you and leave this relationship as swiftly and as safely as you can.

Why do we call women who are being abused in their home enablers? Isn't this just like saying rape victims ask for it?

Her child has SEN and she should be his advocate, instead she's saying her husband is a brilliant dad and would never hurt them. Her previous threads have highlighted that she has but she's not doing anything to protect her disabled child from that monster. She's minimising the abuse and not facing up to it, no child and particularly not a SEND child should go through that abuse.

That makes them both victims. Women aren't responsible for male violence perpetrated against them.

Why do we call women who are being abused in their home enablers? Isn't this just like saying rape victims ask for it?

It's also the same as saying people suffering domestic abuse bring it on themselves- madness...

OP you are so blinded by the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that you can't see what is going on here. Stop appeasing him and let him go doolally again. Call the police again and let the full weight of the law act against him. Don't warn him as a PP said or you will put him on guard but use what you now know to get him out and the house sold and sorted. There are always ways around things. Get advice, get knowledge and get out of this marriage. He will injure or kill you if you aren't careful.

Some abuse victims suffer from PTSD and disassociation. Cognitive functions can be impaired by abuse, including perceptions of relative risk and safety. Involuntary 'freeze' reactions occur.

We don't know what's going on with OP, but should bear in mind that people who have suffered trauma often aren't able to function as they would under normal circumstances. So empathy, support, and practical encouragement to get to a safer place would seem the most useful responses?

Stop appeasing him and let him go doolally again.

....Or don't risk putting your life in danger and follow the sensible advice on here and leave as swiftly and as safely as you can....