Did I overreact by calling the police?

[sleepyhorse]

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

The fact he accepted it is good in that it'll be on his record probably for the rest of his life, and if you do need to take him to court again, a previous admission of guilt to assault (I assume?) would be in your favour?

You absolutely did the right thing to call the police, he’s physically abusing you and it’s not something you should just put up with. I’m appalled at your unsupportive family, they should be ashamed of their attitudes.
You know you could be waiting forever for him to sign the house over? He has you right where he wants you now, why would he choose to lose that leverage? You can’t put your life on hold for this, and stay in a dangerous relationship. He could seriously injure you OP, or worse.

You need to be all sweetness and light while you get your Mums name on the deeds. Start that today OP. Once that's done crack on. He will kick off again and don't minimise because he has had a caution now and that is a start. If he touches you again or is in any other way abusing, get the police back and PRESS CHARGES. It will make your life easier. It will make it easier to sell up and get out of this shitshow.

Sorry not sure how "again" crept in there

If a stranger did that to you, you'd call the police. So no, not an overreaction at all.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid to get some support? It sounds like your larger family might be encouraging you to put up with a level of violence that is entirely unacceptable.

I’m confused. Did you provide a written statement about what happened? If not then the police wouldn’t have been able to take it forward to court without additional evidence from elsewhere. If he’s accepted a caution then the matter has been dealt with and that is a formal resolution. He must have admitted the offence in interview in order to be cautioned. He effectively has a “ police record” now although obviously it’s not a conviction. It sounds like the police have only been able to deal with the one off domestic incident even though there is a much greater issue of emotional abuse and coercive control going on in the household. If you disclosed that then it would have been possible to pursue the matter further than a caution. At the very least he could be bailed to a different address ( under normal circumstances) to give you and the kids some breathing space. I’m not sure what they’re doing about bail at the moment but if you’re able to move to a different address for safety then there may be some precedence for suspects moving during lockdown. This situation is a perfect example of a domestic crime and how difficult it can be for the police to help families. I feel very sorry for your children in all of this. They are being raised in a completely toxic environment and clearly have been for a while. I dare say you think you’re protecting them but I fear you’re not. I hope you get help OP - you need him away from your children. If social services contact you, you need to engage them. Better yet contact the police and fill them in with ALL the previous incidences that you’ve clearly outlined on your thread previously. Coercive control is an offence now and police can act even if this was the first act of violence.

I’m confused. Did you provide a written statement about what happened? If not then the police wouldn’t have been able to take it forward to court without additional evidence from elsewhere.

I'm also a bit confused? They arrested him, interviewed him, charged him, cautioned him and released him back to your home address the very next day? Without you giving a formal statement and saying you didn't want to take it any further?

They took pictures of your injuries, what did they charge him with?

Did you get any phone calls whilst he was still in custody?

Did you backtrack to the police saying you over reacted, or worse take some of the blame?

Your mum should have backed you up on this, I can't believe she down played it the way she did-

I hope alls okay today OP and your making some steps forward-

Taddada - I made a statement of what had happened and told police some of the background but I didn't press charges as I’m new to all this, never phoned police in my life. I was overwhelmed and I started feeling bad and knew that I didn’t want to go to court. In my head I was telling myself it’s the first time and that hopefully he will learn from this. Just because I didn’t prosecute, this doesn’t change any of my plans to leave. My son would have be devastated if his dad wasn’t there for his birthday today.

In my head I was telling myself it’s the first time and that hopefully he will learn from this.

He won’t.

OP you did absolutely the right thing and now its on record this should work in your favour. Hes crossed the line and he WILL do this again, hes already shown no remorse and blames you. Please end this relationship, for your childrens sake as well. And your family should be ashamed for not supporting you, how disgusting of them. I've been where you are OP but you can break free

@sleepyhorse I'm glad your okay, of course it's all overwhelming for you, you did the right thing though, never think otherwise, regardless of the bad advice surrounding you.

You have a plan (a massive start), you perhaps also need to make an emergency one should anything like this happen again.

I really hope your Ds has a lovely birthday .

Be cautious around your OH, I really feel for your situation but please make those important phone calls x

Even thou he has only recurved a caution this is an admission of guilty.

You should contact a solicitor and obtain a non molestation order and an occupation order to have him excluded from the property.

If you had pressed charges the police would not have allowed him to return to the property on bail but that bridge has been crossed now.

You have grounds to have him excluded from the premises and a court will give you an order now that he has used violence and accepted this by the caution.

If anything his acceptance of the caution should be seen as validation for your actions because he has accepted what he did.

Please seek legal advice and have him excluded.

No one should live in fear

Hugs

I can't understand your mum and brothers reaction.

If I had phoned my brothers or sisters and told them what dh had done. They would have been round my house straight away and dh would have been in the bottom of the paddling pool.

I thought your mum was supportive according to your thread about the stairs.

If a grown man has to learn not to assault his wife, by her calling the police, then there is no hope for him.

Seriously don't accept that as normal behaviour, it's abuse and he obviously has a warped sense of right and wrong by how he treats you.

Of course you were right to call the Police and they were right to arrest him. You should not have withdrawn your complaint because as well as protecting yourself you have a duty to protect your children. The Police will forward information to children’s social care who may call you. You need to seek legal advice and have him removed from the house. Continual domestic violence when there are children in the house, where the mother keeps having the offender back can result in the children being subject of child protection proceedings. Please also contact your local domestic violence support line.

Wht in earth didnt you press charges and why have you let him back in the house? If the situation was serious enough to call the Police, then you need to follow it through. Can you ring them abs say you do want to press charges? He will have to leave the house then.

As a police officer here this makes sense to me. You gave a statement (brave, well done) but stated you did not wish to go to court (understandable). The police have interviewed him and presumably he has made some admission of guilt. A police decision maker has then reviewed the evidence, considered your wishes about not wanting to go to court and made the decision to issue a police caution (police can decide on this, a charging to court decision would have had to go to cps).

However Im really surprised he was allowed home. In our force he would almost certainly have been given a DVPN (DV PROTECTION NOTICE) and then within 24 hours a court would have issued a DVPO (protection order) which would have prohibited him from seeing you for 28 days. Im REALLY surprised something like this didn't happen? Did they mention it to you at all? This assault had now been resolved by way of a caution so despite well meaning mumsnetters advising you otherwise you can't now change your mind and revert to going to court. Please report to the police as soon as he gets angry, even before he used violence again. Please also look into getting a non molestation and occupational order.

Should've pressed charged

I wonder whether your Mum was thinking 'Oh, but what about the house' when she didn't back you? She's either spineless or doesn't have your back.

Either way I would not take her wishes into any consideration and I'd just go hell for leather for the divorce.

Desmondo- thank you so much for you input. The other night during the interview is all a bit of a blur if I’m honest as by the time the police arrived I was still in a state of shock. I’m presuming the police let him home a few hours later after questioning him because it was the first time. The thing is he is really good with the kids and having him permanently removed from the house I think would have traumatised the kids as they adore him, he would never hurt them. His issue is with me. If he did it again then I would absolutely press charges. And I’m planning my escape. What is an occupational order?

Your DC are being traumatised by his ongoing behaviour. They love him, he loves them no doubt. That does not mean he is a good father. He is not.

Please call WA and start to understand how you are being abused.

He would never hurt them? But he has! He has made them sleep somewhere they were afraid to and somewhere that was unsafe. He has pushed you in front of one of them, he has been obviously controlling and bullying.

You can't say he has never hurt them?

And again, I am amazed he was allowed home. Who told you he could do so? Was it him? Please speak to WA about this too.

He's clearly not really good with the kids.

He set up a death trap that would have meant them dying horrifically if either had fallen down those stairs from the mezzanine. Or you.

not necessarily by accident

I guess I just wanted him to have a wake up call and learn from this.

This is the wrong reason to have involved the Police. You should have followed through and pressed changes and not allowed him back in the house. The man is an abuser, what will he escalate to next? Can you afford to find out?