Did I overreact by calling the police?

[sleepyhorse]

Last night I phoned the police because my husband lost his temper during an argument and pushed me very forcefully into the paddling pool. I hurt my foot and bruised my hand and was very shaken up. He also ripped one of the cushions off the brand new paddling pool that I’d only just bought and also threw my phone in the pool.

Our relationship broke down quite a few months ago and we’ve since been sleeping in separate rooms. He’s a very angry person (only with me). Everyone else things he’s great as they don’t see that side to him. I think it’s fair to say he’s been emotionally and mentally abusive for quite some time now but last night was the first time he laid a finger on me.

The police arrested him. I decided against pressing charges. They let him go after several hours of questioning and they gave him a caution. My mum and brother think that I overreacted and should never have called the police. That I should have found another way to resolve without dragging the police in and causing a huge thing over an argument. That I should have just hit him back. Why would I want to display this kind of behaviour in front of my kids though aged 9 and 11. The police took pics of my injuries.

Since he came home this morning he has not shown any empathy, has not apologised and has hardly said a word. Just carried on as normal like nothing had happened and then this evening got angry again saying I was bang out of order calling the police. And that I wasted their time and then started playing down what happened last night and that the police know what really happened.

I feel like I’m going mad. Did I do the right thing calling the police?

You totally did the right thing, calling the police. If it had been a stranger, would you feel differently? Why should it be OK just because he knows you. That actually makes it worse.
It's assault. No less.
I agree with many other posters though, that it's likely a mistake to let him back. Most of the people that do this sort of thing don't stop at once. Especially given his reaction the next morning. That's a huge red flag. He's not good for you.

From my own experience, my ex husband (then husband) received a caution for battery in 2013- I was able to get legal aid on this basis as recent as Nov 2019.

The CPS do need evidence and had the OP made a statement would have given them strong evidence to prosecute. The bruising etc can be picked apart and attributed to other factors by a defenese lawyer. This wouldnt give the CPS a slam dunk case. A statement is strong evidence backed by pics.

(this was my expereince and advice I received at the time)

They do it once it will happen again.

However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons.

In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere

I had no sleep last night as had to share a single bed mattress in the attic with my 2 boys!

Dh just started shouting at me saying it was completely nasty and twisted what I did on Monday getting the inspector round. I’m a selfish bitch who has just ruined 2 years of work (as part of his plans).

no he has been violent apart from a bit of pushing occasionally and throwing things at me. But he is very verbally abusive, undermining, controlling.

I can assure you 100% that I’ve made my decision to leave him.

This was all in January. Your poor boys. Sorry to share from a previous thread but it feels like you’ve minimised the past as you’re scared to leave.

Do you remember saying all those things and how it felt? Having to sleep on a single mattress with your two sons because he over and over and over again shouted he wanted them to sleep an unsafe bed they were terrified of? How people told you this situation would escalate and now it has? Can’t you see this is not sustainable?

It’s ok to be scared, it’s not ok to keep children in an abusive, hostile and dysfunctional environment with a parent who has a history of putting them in harms way, shoving you (in previous thread) throwing things at you and now pushing you over.

This is the blueprint for relationships that your boys are learning from. You need to show them this is not an acceptable way to treat people or to be treated.

Absolutely this.

I grew up in a house with a father like your husband. People thought I adored him. I was terrified of him and was always good because i didn't want him to hurt my mother. I would hear their arguments when they thought i was asleep i felt the tension in the house all the time. I am still in therapy and am 38 now.

Also this is not the first time. He has pushed you before. This is the second time and it will happen again.

You’re not getting the support you need from your family . Hit him back ? That’s crazy advice .
You did the right thing to report it but sadly should have followed through but I understand how hard that must be .
With lockdown the Police are even hotter on domestic abuse so don’t feel you shouldn’t have called them . Do it again if you feel threatened and get him charged this time .

Oh dear, OP. I've just read your other thread.

I'm reading your mum and brother differently now- they were hoping to keep things calm so you can sort out the house issue and get him out.

You need to do some maths, I reckon.
How much money did your mum put in, roughly how much is the house worth. Assuming you'd get 50% of the value, and possibly get to stay in the house given you are the main carer and your mum is next door, how much would your mum have lost? Put another way, how much would it cost to buy him out of his share?

How far along is getting the house deal with your mum sorted?

What is the hold up with that?

If you're going to go leave then do it. No excuses about the house etc. Pack stuff and kids and get out

I don’t think the op is going to leave. I think sometimes people just say that because they know they should leave and are a bit ashamed about staying.

Anyone who works in the criminal justice system understands that it takes an average of at least nine times before a women leaves.

The Op is currently in the middle of a cycle of abuse and isn't ready to leave.

She still has hope that her abuser will change, see the error of his ways etc.

The best we can do is be supportive of where she is currently at. While it is easy to say to leave, her abusers will have convinced the OP that his behaviour is normalised.

The only surprising event is that the OP called the police when the abuser assaulted her. These men generally only make physically contact when they are sure they can get away with it by damaging the women's confidence and normality so badly.

Alternatively it is because the OP is now standing up for herself that his behaviour has escalated.

Op you have done a number of brave things, you have contacted the police, told you let family, for all the good they are, and you have reached out for help here.

Take the positives here and leave the rest.

I would encourage you to reach out tot women's aid and try reading up on Domestic violence.

Your abuser have altered your reality, so that you compartmentalise his behaviour to you from how he behaves towards the children.

But how you behave towards your partner says everything there is about you. He isn't a good person,

Keep planning your exit, speak to WA, ask the police domestic violence officer to give you a call. Each force should have a specialised Officer.

Don't worry about anyone who said you have wasted police time that is a nonsense.

Stay strong & safe

I’ve just read your other post and I have to ask you, why are you still with him?
Your poor children having to go through this, this environment is extremely damaging for them, surely that is enough for you to want to protect them and get them out of this abusive situation?

The Conveyancer (if you have contacted them?) would have sorted the paperwork since January/February and you would now be able to start divorce proceedings
It seems to me that you have no intention of leaving him and by doing so you are giving him permission to treat you like shit, time and time again

What are you waiting for? He’s never going to change, it will only escalate over time and each time he will be more aggressive and your children will have to witness this dreadful life of yours
Is this really what you want for them?
What a dreadful example of relationships they will have

Each incident of domestic violence will increase in severity (this is repeated in so many cases, my DH is the dv trained officer on his team and has, as was expected, had to deal with more than the usual amount recently) until he puts you in hospital.

I’m appalled at your family’s response. They should be supporting you and telling you to get out. Your husband is a shit father putting your dc through that behaviour, both scaring them re the bedroom thing and abusing you. Please get yourself and them out of there.

I'm horrified at the amount of victim blaming and ignorant, inaccurate advice being given on this thread.

So am I. It is really awful.
OP, the stairs thread hopefully gave you strength to see just how abusive your H is. Please, tell the police what he is really like. No disembling, no cover ups, no pretending. He is dangereous.

The other thread relating to the H, here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786695-Is-DH-having-some-kind-of-mental-breakdown?pg=5

op i have been here, got the t-shirt and lately use it to polish the tv with some vinegar.... Nothing good is going to come of this relationship. He's a cluster B personality... they are a special breed if you care to research them but more importantly you might want to look into the people they are attracted to. Herein the work lies. It's taken me a decade to understand all of this but you cant even begin to understand until you leave.

The thing is he is really good with the kids and having him permanently removed from the house I think would have traumatised the kids as they adore him, he would never hurt them.

Here's a quote you need to really think hard about: "The most important thing a man can do for his children is to love and respect their mother ."

Does he do that? NO. So he emphatically is NOT 'good with the kids'.

Just read the other thread?

How on earth can you say he's 'never hurt' the DC? 'Hurt' encompasses a lot more than physical violence.

Has anyone mentioned The Freedom Project to the Op yet?

If they haven't @sleepyhorse please Google it and have a read through the online information- it might help you recognise the behaviours he's displaying and how this is never going to be a good situation for you and your children-

I think its very easy to berate if your on the outside looking in at this, but this man has obviously got his claws in here-

You did the right thing in phoning the police, it's a massive step forward to getting out of this, but please do not let him also use it against you- if your showing any kind of remorse around it he will jump all over that and use it against you.

Make him fully aware you will do the same again in a heartbeat if he shows any signs of aggression/anger - and next time you will have the book thrown firmly at him (don't make this an empty threat either OP, please do this).

Please speak to a solicitor asap- an occupation order is the way to go, they can talk you through your options here but be honest and tell them every detail- it really is time for you to get proactive in this now.

Did the police say they had to let social workers know?
I thought that was the norm when incidents like this occurred, especially if the kids were in the house at the time (even if they didn't see).

It actually makes a lot more sense for social workers to get involved and investigate rather than the police pressing charges against him when he's still living in the family home, that could cause a huge amount of tension in the home!!

Well done on calling the police.

Your family were wrong, to suggest otherwise and he won’t accept he’s done anything wrong as he’s gaslighting you.

He is not a good father and the other thread should demonstrate that to you. He was willing to let his DC, sleep in a death trap.

Do the freedom programme, contact WA etc. Get an occupation order, so that he is made to leave the home. It doesn’t matter, if the DC are upset. He has to leave before he kills you.

It will be an automatic referral to SS @user1481840227 , but I'm still a bit confused as to why he was allowed back to the family home immediately after being charged and released- do you know what he was actually charged with OP? I think you need to call and find this out and enquire about the referral/s?

Any involvement from any services, although necessary, will cause added tension and stress in the home, for everyone involved- infact I think the police have a far more sympathetic approach to a victim of DV than some services provide, alot taking the viewpoint of many of the Pp's on this thread.

This is why it is so important for you to have a solicitor on board @sleepyhorse- and also to end this relationship asap- please see this as your way out.

I hope your son has a lovely birthday

I don't think the op is coming back to this thread. She's in denial about the level of abuse going on and of her role as an enabler.

In the hope that op does come back, please do the online freedom programme