Has anyone's partner hit them just the once?

[sn21]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we've always had a rocky relationship, however last night we had an argument and he hit me. The argument sort of stopped after that, and I took myself in the bathroom. While he stayed in the bedroom. Long story short he had a panic attack, over what he did and said he couldn't believe what he'd just done and he was really sorry. I've read so many domestic abuse stories, that the physical abuse can come much later, but after 6 years of being with him he has never put a finger on me. I'm not scared of him, I just don't know whether to believe him or not 😔

"59NoMoreDickheads

I hit my partner recently. It was during the exposure of his affair

@MizMoonshine To me that's a bit different- you were in shock etc. He's a cheating arsehole and you can do better than him"

So you'd say that to a man who hit his female partner who had been cheating on him? That would also be ok?

Nah, didn't think so.

OP, I have seen an occasion where it really was just once. Didn't happen again to that partner and had never happened with subsequent partners.

I think that's unusual though and I would always leave anyone who raised a hand to me just once unless it was self defence.

I hit Dh once. About a year into our relationship it was the first and only time
I lost my temper which never usually happens and hasn’t since in 20 years

You'll believe him because what he's telling you is the truth. But the truth won't stop it happening again. And it will happen again. And it will escalate. It always does.

My ex never got into to fights with men and the one time I did see him get hit he never retaliated. He hated violence apparently. He did however push me so hard that I fell and hit my back and arm into the kitchen units and damaged my shoulder. Because he knew I wouldn't be able to fight back. He swore he would never do it again but I could never trust him again.

No not the once, the first time he did it, he swore it wouldn't happen again

It did - only I bruise so easily he'd change tactics to pinning me down and spitting on me (well before coronavirus).

Somehow he's manage to manipulate our child enough to say they absolute hate me, never want to see me and it was me that used to spit on the child. The court don't care despite the fact I can evidence the absolutely crazy things he did to me. I was made to feel at fault because I put myself in that position.

I've not read the replies on here - I suspect they say no, it doesn't just happen the once. The abuse might change format - physical, financial, emotional - it doesn't matter. Get out and good luck x

From now on, every time you have a row or he gets cross you'll be wondering if he's about to lose it, hit you again or worse.

Can you live like that for the rest of your life?

You are 21 and have 3 children.

Your relationship has always been rocky and your partner has ramped up to physical violence. He then shifted the focus to himself, which suggests a propensity for emotional manipulation/abuse.

Your home is a dangerous place. Please take your babies and get out now. You’ve written about your mother’s family being supportive. Could they help you now?

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I have a friend who confided in me that about once every two years her husband 'knocks her out'. I was horrified but she loved him deeply and has stayed with him. I obviously advised her to leave him. I remember reading an article about this, relationships were women stay because 98% of the time it's good. Thing is the other 2% of the time it is very dangerous and damaging.

You don't know whether to believe him?

I can think of a two simple tests.

Did he immediately remove himself from the house?

Did he call for medical assistance in any way, to be completely sure you were not badly hurt.

If my DH lost it so much that he hit me then I know he would leave the house immediately for my protection and he would not even suggest returning until he knew he had taken definitive action to ensure he would never do it again.

So, with your DH is it all about him or all about you?

He's crossed a line now - I'd be lacking him his things and telling everyone what he's done. You will never be able to argue again with him without being scared or wary.

If its a rocky relationship anyway then I think its unlikely to be just once. I have had a relationship where someone hit me once, I hit them back, we apologised and violence never entered our relationship again... That said it was a really good relationship aside from that night... However I was also in a relationship where he hit me once, then twice then twice and then the third time he attackwd me to the point where I was on the floor being repeatedly kicked. I guess what Im saying is I think you should leave!

For god’s sake saying 98 percent of the time it’s good.

The risk is huge. You fall down the stairs if pushed. You hit your head on the way down.

I do understand that women stay. 30 years ago without money and assistance then this was almost understandable.

But do so these days with a clear problem - your children. Children raised in violent homes do worse than children who don’t. They can have their own abusive relationships as the perpetrators and victims.

Most men in prison came from houses where their mother was beaten or abused. Their lives were ruined by it.

A good father sacrifices for his children and protects his partner. A shit parent will do neither and expect the kids to just deal with it. Don’t ever expect the effect to be neutral. It is simply awful for children and their future.

Rocky relationship for six years then a thump?

I interpret that as abuse ramping up over six years and the latest episode is the first physical violence.

Or is it? This kind of thing is often preceeded by months of things being thrown, your stuff being broken, physically blocking you leaving a room, play fighting that goes too far, play fighting where he shows his overwhelming strength, barging you as he goes past in a huff, punching walls, slamming things violently, towering over you at close quarters. Did those happen?

LexMitor I agree. Its dreadful. I feel I let my friend down but she would not leave him and I think this is common and rarely discussed.

You say you were arguing. Next time he may not bother with words. The sure fire way for a man to win an argument with a woman is to put her back o her box with a thump. Result for him, he never needs to lose an argument again.
My husband hit me once. Reader, I left him.

Are you able to elaborate on what happened in what context and what he did at all?

Some people lose it when they get into an argument. The red mist descends and they lash out, men and women. Neighbours of mine regularly kick the shit out of each other. She's the size of a house and he's thin as a rake. They've got two kids who come round to me when it kicks off. You'd have thought social services would get involved.

Some people lose it when they get into an argument. The red mist descends and they lash out, men and women. Neighbours of mine regularly kick the shit out of each other. She's the size of a house and he's thin as a rake. They've got two kids who come round to me when it kicks off. You'd have thought social services would get involved

Have you called them? Although even if she is physically bigger, IME, people don't take seriously men being abused.

Please read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". There are places you can read it for free online (will look for a link)

Look forward 16 years.
Your daughter is 20 and a mother to 3 of your grandchildren. Her partner gives her a thump. What would you tell her? Will she tell you that she is staying because that’s what you did? What would her father think or say?

The problem is; once he has done it once and got away with it (ie you stay) there will be nothing stopping him doing it again. And the chances are he will.

I grew up in a very violent household. My dad hit my mum the first time when they were dating long before they had children. Apparently he was mortified. My mum stayed. His violence throughout my childhood fucked me up.

There is a line. He just crossed it.

Your call isn't it?

How can a load of randoms know his next move.
Speaking for myself (a man) I'm not perfect and I've a few small regrets from previous relationships but one thing I've never done and never will do is hit a woman.
It just isn't on.

Different if you were trying to stick a knife in him but to do so because of an argument is unacceptable.

Where do you draw the line, now or after the 2nd,3rd and 4th times?

It's like breaking a glass, you can't go back and he can't unbreak your trust. I also think that if you look closely there will be other issues in your relationship. I would move on, this is no way to live.

No one ever stayed with their partner thinking there would be a second time.

We were wrong.
Don't be us.

Make the most of his 'panic attack' and fake remorse, because he will never be this panicky and remorseful again.

By staying, you will show him you will tolerate him hitting you. It ramps up exponentially from here.

I know you will stay. So many of us did. But understand - you are now a victim, and he is your abuser. And that is how it will stay until you decide otherwise, or he finds another victim, or he kills you.