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Original poster

Has anyone's partner hit them just the once?

196 replies

sn21 · 20/05/2020 10:15

Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we've always had a rocky relationship, however last night we had an argument and he hit me. The argument sort of stopped after that, and I took myself in the bathroom. While he stayed in the bedroom. Long story short he had a panic attack, over what he did and said he couldn't believe what he'd just done and he was really sorry. I've read so many domestic abuse stories, that the physical abuse can come much later, but after 6 years of being with him he has never put a finger on me. I'm not scared of him, I just don't know whether to believe him or not 😔

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 20/05/2020 10:45

Yes my exdh hit me once. So I phoned the police, he was arrested, spent a night in the police station and never set foot in the house again. I'm sorry but the only acceptable level of violence is none at all.

BertieBotts · 20/05/2020 10:47

It is never once :( unless you leave after the first time, which is extremely rare.

Usually physical abuse comes as part of a pattern of emotional and/or verbal abuse. Do you feel constrained in the relationship like there are things you couldn't do without it upsetting him? That is not a normal part of a healthy relationship.

The way he has reacted is also very telling. He has not taken responsibility for his actions, instead he has made his upset about the situation your problem and put the responsibility back onto you. This will merge into you feeling that you need to forgive him because he is so upset by it, when if you think about it who is the injured party who should be upset?

Abuse always escalates because it is about control and the abuser will never accept that their need to control another person is not only unhealthy it is impossible. Even if you behave perfectly well and to his "rules" it will not be enough (and it's not a good idea to do this anyway, as it comes at the cost of your own mental health).

Limpetlike · 20/05/2020 10:48

Once is once too often. Continuing the relationship would not be an option for me.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 20/05/2020 10:49

@Someone has put it beautifully.

I didn’t get to the end bits.

Number 1 was a slap.
Number 2 he nearly killed me.

No-one should raise their hand. You know your answer deep down Flowers

BlingLoving · 20/05/2020 10:49

BIL hit SIL just once. She hit him back. We told her not to stay blah blah. She claimed they were both to blame.

On plus side, he's never hit her again. But we're pretty sure it's because he's an emotionally manipulative and abusive man who has worked out that if he physically abuses her again she WILL leave but she's incapable of seeing the other types of abuse. So he still gets what he wants - which his her unsettled, constantly working to make HIM happy, her doing 90% of all the work etc.

I don't see how you come back from this. If the relationship is already volatile and rocky why stick around? And now its escalating.

NoMoreDickheads · 20/05/2020 10:49

Long story short he had a panic attack, over what he did and said he couldn't believe what he'd just done

A poster the other day had her partner rape her and then stage self harm so it all became about him and was glossed over.

I had a boyfriend hit me once. I didn't do anything at the time as I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, but I ended it a couple of days later.

It just felt 'wrong' to me and I couldn't go on with it.

@sn21 How do you feel about the relationship now? Like PP's I think it's unnecessary to be in a rocky relationship anyway- be in one that makes you feel safe and happy most of the time, or be on your own and relaxed.

NiteFlights · 20/05/2020 10:50

No.

Inspired by another thread, I’ve just been listening to The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He emphasises that this is behaviour that always escalates. He says:

The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim. The second time, she is a volunteer.

You must end this relationship now.

PersephoneandHades · 20/05/2020 10:57

I don’t have any experience with this, I just wanted to say I’m sorry this happened to you. Perhaps give WomensAid a call and talk it through with a professional on this sort of thing?

Weenurse · 20/05/2020 10:57

Unless he removes himself and seeks immediate counseling, I would suggest, reporting to police.

Weenurse · 20/05/2020 10:57

And remove yourself from him

Syra · 20/05/2020 10:58

@NiteFlights A woman or a man on the receiving end of domestic violence is always a victim. Whether it’s the 1st or 50th time they’ve been hit.

That statement is not remotely helpful, judgemental and ignorant.

ptumbi · 20/05/2020 11:03

Put it this way - if anyone hit me once, there would not be a second time, as there would not be the opportunity!

Get out now - you don't need this 'rocky relationship'.

NiteFlights · 20/05/2020 11:03

@Syra OP can get out now, or she can stick around and wait for it to get worse.

Right now she still has a choice.

The next time he hits her could be the time he kills her. Yes, she’d be a victim but what good what it do her?

MsPavlichenko · 20/05/2020 11:04

No. And his response is entirely predictable too. The advice to leave is correct.

If you can't do that yet call WA in any case. Talking your situation through will be helpful.

Herpesfreesince03 · 20/05/2020 11:07

So after hitting you he had a panic attack and made you feel sorry for him, instead of h being concerned about you?

SueEllenMishke · 20/05/2020 11:07

The first time my mum's boyfriend was violent to her he killed her so for me, once is once too many.

I would have left and ignored his panic attack. I would have also reported him to the police. What a prick.

category12 · 20/05/2020 11:08

Once that line is crossed, it's too easy to do again.

MizMoonshine · 20/05/2020 11:10

I hit my partner recently. It was during the exposure of his affair. We had settled down and were working through things, then I came across pictures on his phone. I just started punching him in the arm and telling him I hated him over and over again.
I was absolutely mortified by my behaviour.
It's not something I've done to him before, it's not something I'll do again. I just snapped.

I do believe it can be a one time thing.

But I'd recommend him speaking to someone, professionally, about it to ensure he gets to the root of it and doesn't do it again.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 20/05/2020 11:15

What does "rocky relationship" mean OP? If I were a betting woman I'd guess its a euphemism for other forms of abusive behaviour. Calling you names and screaming in your face? Constantly threatening to leave or giving you the silent treatment? Being coercive or sulking over sex? Your question seems to be "does abuse always escalate?" but I suspect a more accurate question would be, "my relationship has escalated from emotional/verbal abuse to physical abuse, will it escalate again". And my question in answer is, "why wouldn't it?" Your relationship escalated from (I assume) a nice normal relationship to a "rocky" (verbally and emotionally abusive?) one, then it escalated again to be a physically abusive one, so why wouldn't it escalate a third time? You talk like this is the first escalation, but really you're already quite far down that road. But I suspect that you're like the frog in boiling water and it may take you some time to see it that way. So yes, you should definitely leave. Abuse always escalates. Always.

WreckTangle95 · 20/05/2020 11:18

What @SomeoneElseEntirelyNow said!!!!!!

Redwinestillfine · 20/05/2020 11:23

No. That's a deal breaker.

notthemum · 20/05/2020 11:25

I am so sorry that this happened. Do you have anywhere else to go. Is it your place or his.
As other posters have said Once is one time too many. Please don't put up with this. Please listen to people who know.

timeisnotaline · 20/05/2020 11:27

Hmm I don’t know. I do know that if it can be he has to convince you. So stop consoling him, say you hit me. It’s not my job to make you feel better about hitting your partner. Really it’s my job to report you to the police. So if you really are sorry show me the steps you are taking to examine yourself and make sure you never ever do this again. Because we are over if that happens. Right now, you need to leave, find somewhere to stay and not return until you have arranged Some professional counselling. And if that doesn’t appeal then I am calling the police so I have it on record to help protect me when it happens again, which is likely if you aren’t taking serious steps to make sure it doesn’t. I’m sorry and tears are not serious steps, violent abusers all over the world apologise tearily to their partners after beating them.

TigerDater · 20/05/2020 11:33

Yes, my XH pushed me into a glass door during an argument when he had come home very very drunk. I had a nasty cut on my thigh. He tried to help but was so drunk he passed out. The next day he was mortified, concerned for me, desperate to make amends. I concluded it was an accident and we moved on. Although we are now divorced it never happened again in 25 years, and we had a good relationship for most of that. So if there was any chance it was an accident, you could perhaps be reassured. But if it is in any case a ‘rocky’ relationship, I would be extremely cautious.

AdaColeman · 20/05/2020 11:37

If you stay with him, he will definitely hit you again.
And again and again and again....

Not only did he hit you, but the self induced, so called “panic attack” was created for him to move the focus away from him hurting you, and place it on himself being hurt and upset.

It was an attempt to reduce and devalue your own feelings of pain or fear, and replace them with feelings of sympathy and sadness for him.

He did that so when he hits you next time, you will remember how sorry he was this time, and (like a fool) you will forgive him once again.
And again and again and again....

Take photos of any injury, keep a detailed diary of incidents, consider reporting to the Police. Keep safe if you can.
Best of all: leave.