Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

Well done for telling your DCs. Keep on with the not talking - his actions yesterday may actually have helped you to stop engaging with him!

I do hope you can move out in a matter of days - this is a very tough time.

I lived with a husband similar to this. I felt anxious, suspicious and not cherished or respected. I found myself going to more and more elaborate lengths to spy on him.

Then I left him. What a relief. I'm happy and wonder why I stayed so long.

It's normal for him.

He thinks you're overreacting.

Of course he does. He's not going to be the one to say "I'm a selfish, lying toerag who has zero respect for you. You should get out while you can." Is he?!

You need to work from the position of what you think and what you want. That's what i don't miss about being married to a lying, gaslighting shit: that merging of his thoughts with mine.

You need to outsource your decisions right now to people who have your best interests and heart and who you are not married to and blindly do what they tell you. Sound odd?

It's nowhere near as fucking crazy as your current setup. Trust me. I am shit at housework. Truly shit. So I'm outsourcing to a cleaner because I can not do a good job. Right now your decision making and judgement re your marriage is totally out and you need to temporarily stop thinking and give it to someone else to think about while you just follow directions.

No one here including me wants anything other than for you and your children and your cat to be happy and far away from his utter craziness. No one wants you to be poor (because let's not forget you have children to think of) and all live in a shit small flat and never have holidays and then he meets someone and convinces the kids to move in because they have their own bedrooms and loads of stuff and go skiing at Christmas because suddenly he's not a tight prick and you're at home in your shit flat.

So fucking woman up and stop this crap about how you are all moving out sans cat to live in a 1 bed flat because otherwise he will be cross with you and say nasty things. Have you never heard of blocking someone on your phone? SEE A SOLICITOR. GET YOUR FAIR SHARE.

If not for you for your kids.

Oh haha Rufllecrow perfectly put that merging of thoughts.

The other good one is 'we' as in 'we think you should'.., then it's like he's in harmony with the whole world and they also think you are useless/being unfair.

Do these men have a book we don't know about? Because my god they are all the same.

StayingInSummer, I think you are right by saying that my fear of him meeting someone else is rooted in my own self esteem. But it’s not quite like your ex. My husband is not overtly sexy. He seems to charm women by playing on the fact that he’s had only one long term relationship (faithful) that his wife aka me was controlling and cruel (vulnerable) that he has a good professional career (provider) and that he is always focussed on his kids (great dad material). If you met Donald trump you would probably think he was a great successful man... bear with me on this one... until you talked to him because he would quickly reveal himself to be a twat. My husband isn’t like that. He comes across as a successful man and then you talk to him and he’s just shy. Women seem to love it from what I can gather.

Oh yes he’d use that too in spades. He had a very highly paid job, beautiful house, lovely car. However what he used to do was be quite meek with women, throw into the conversation that he loved his children so much, what a great Dad he was... (he used to sext other women every time he looked after them on his own... not great I’d say!)... and be very polite, very kind and complimentary to other people. Then he’d say he was trapped in a marriage with a woman that he’d tried so hard to love however she (me) ended up being quite controlling. He’d say that he had no friends during the marriage. That I was always off with friends but he didn’t have any. He say his family thought I needed professional help for my controlling behaviour. He’d say he became worried about me with the kids... he cultivated many, any females as friends in this way and also over the internet. He ultimately loved the way that not only did he get loads and loads of validation about how hard it must be for him, but what a great guy for sticking it out for the kids sake, to protect them, but how lonely it must be for him...

He also then loved the fact that he was quite good sexually and saw that as the icing on the cake. He genuinely believed women were lucky to have him in bed. So he was happy with all of this. Sex isn’t just what they want, they want to feel looked up to, admired, sympathized with, and also to corroborate that we are holding them back and that they are great Dads. They want all of this at our expense. They will throw us, their doormats of loving wives and mothers under a bus to get this. They get addicted to it.

And also, I think they do it out of revenge on us and women’s power sexually. I know my Ex hated that you had to form a relationship which was compromise, he just wanted to have it all under his control. He’d often step up the cheating when I had done something that displeased him. One year, he shouted at me and upset me. I spent the night away with the kids at a friends. It was just before Christmas. He apologized and we had a lovely Christmas together. I then went off to my families with the kids. I caught him cheating the night I left, he was so mad I found out he actually let some truth out and admitted he’d been harboring so much anger because I ‘took the kids’ on the night he shouted at me... even I was totally totally shell shocked. He’d been seething inside all that time and did it to spite me!

It’s twisted and pretty shocking. We have to get out.

You don't sound crazy. You've accepted his ways so far, by knowing about them and carrying on, and now you don't want to anymore - I don't know many women who want their husband staying with goodness knows who, who might have goodness knows what std, investing his energies in other women and not your relationship. You know the answer.

Wow stayinginsummer thats appalling. There's something really sickening in being spoken about like that and not having a way to deal with it.

My ex biz partner was like that - he literally convinced me no one wanted to work with me, and it wasn't until after I got rid I found pockets of people who saw through him and the rest I just ignored. It's a real headfuck though. I didn't keep quiet though and though many don't like that I'm sorry I'm not just saying nothing while he trashed my reputation. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. 🙄

I would love to outsource my decision making to someone else, because I can’t to it. I think driving into a tree might be easier than this decision. I do ask people irl and they simply say that I need to make the decision myself (to summarise, either split or suck it up). But the thing is, sucking it up is something that some women can do. Therefore, I am falling short of the mark if I don’t forgive/move on/suck it up/have faith/ see things from his pov.

I’ve got a date to move out. I’ve been packing. The kids know. But WHAT IF THIS US WEONG? What if I’m making a terrible mistake and I hurt people including myself? What if staying is likewise a mistake, I don’t know the right thing to do. I think it might be to leave, but he says he’s sorry. What if he really has changed? I can’t cope with knowing I might be making a monumental fuck up, but it seems to be that maybe staying g us a monumental fuck up? I just want to go to dignitas or something and not have to choose. I don’t have any big girl pants. I’m a coward. Someone else do it.

I mean is it really that bad. Sexting years ago and one brief fling plus two kissing emotional affair that were years ago? There are way worse stories around here. He says he’s never slept with anyone (I won’t go into graphic details about that technicality because believe me he did) but it was 13 years ago. Is a subsequent mild affair that bad? Is sexting people that bad? I think maybe I might have too high expectations and that loads of men download dating apps to chat to women but their wives never think to look. It’s only my constant spying that’s uncovered it... and that took five years.

My head’s in a mess. I know I need to go for the kids’ sake but I’m completely confused now. He’s alternating between being angry and crying and I can’t cope. I’ve had to go to my mums to get away.

I understand your position. You think you need to be strong to stay and just get on with it or just get over his infidelity, but actually it takes more strength to leave and create your own life. You might not have strength for yourself, but you will lift cars for your children - the strength is there. Keep going.

Yes it is all very very bad.

No, normal good women do not "suck up" this kind of behaviour.

Some troubled beaten women will suck up all sorts, even beatings, it shouldn't be an aspiration.

When you are away the fog will clear and one day you will realise how much happier you are without his utter fuckwittery in your life.

I mean is it really that bad.
yes it is that bad.

Sexting years ago and one brief fling plus two kissing emotional affair that were years ago?
yes this would be 100% a reason I would leave the relationship for, it doesn't matter how long ago the lies and betrayal took place

There are way worse stories around here.
There us always something worse happening to someone somewhere, that means you'd gave to forgive everything because somewhere someone endured worse? thats crazy.

He says he’s never slept with anyone (I won’t go into graphic details about that technicality because believe me he did) but it was 13 years ago.
again, this would be 100% a reason I would leave the relationship for, it doesn't matter how long ago the lies and betrayal took place. it happened and i wouldn't be prepared to get over it.

Is a subsequent mild affair that bad?
yes it is bad. it is THAT bad. dies it make you happy? no? then it is bad.

Is sexting people that bad?
if you are in a monogamous relationship then it is bad. if you have both consented to an open relationship where sexting is allowed for both of you, then it isn't bad.

I think maybe I might have too high expectations and that loads of men download dating apps to chat to women but their wives never think to look.
the reply's here on MN told you otherwise though, why ignore those first hand views?

It’s only my constant spying that’s uncovered it... and that took five years.
do you want to continue a relationship built in lies and spying?

@Dudududodu your marriage is making you suicidal.

You are talking about Dignitas etc.

It LITERALLY does not matter what he feels, thinks, says, believes, promises, insists, cries about, etc. etc.

YOU, the mother of your children, YOU YOURSELF, are suicidal in the marriage that you are in.

He could be the Holy Roman Emperor with a cock studded with rubies who worships the ground you walk on... and it LITERALLY would mean nothing. At all.

You are the mother of actual living children. You cannot stay in a marriage that makes you suicidal. Your children will end up without a mother. It's honestly that simple.

I think I didnt explain myself very well. I do NOT mean 'taking it to a committee' of people who do not have all of the information and may be his friends too. That will just be confusing - now is the time to only have people on your side around you.

I mean talk to a few TRUSTED people who have the facts - A solicitor. Your mum if you trust her. A best friend if you've told her the truth. If you haven't do so now. Even your kids want out!! Then you just do what they they tell you - they are telling you to go. A solicitor will be shocked by this and will get you out immediately. With money for YOUR children.

And then there's us - and we are all pretty much in accord. Do you really think every single one of us is wrong about this behaviour? Between us with years of experience with different men and no axe to grind? Are we all completely not getting it while he is the only one that knows? Do you think we are all rabid man hating feminists that are typical keyboard warrior fat and ugly, and unhappy with men? As he will tell you?

Right now as I keep saying your thought processes are faulty. That's not your fault and it's totally understandable, and I've been there. I'm no pushover but if I get really stuck, which I do sometimes (we all do) I ask my trusted inner circle (which isn't always the same depending what I'm stuck on) and if they all agree I go 'fuck it' deep breath and do it. Because at that moment I trust their objectivity more than I trust my own clouded judgement.

Sometimes the easy decision is the wrong one. You are not wrong - you feel like that cause he's fucked with your head for years and years. And he will just keep doing so if you let him. He's a fucking fruitcake.

But the thing is, sucking it up is something that some women can do. Therefore, I am falling short of the mark if I don’t forgive/move on/suck it up/have faith/ see things from his pov.

This is such a strange train of thought.

Why is forgiveness so important a virtue?
Were you brought up in a very religious home or one where women are expected to be the guardians of the relationship?

You are very focused on the concept of failure.
Who do you think is judging success or failure here?
Is there any room for you in your picture of success in relationships?
What does failure in a relationship look like to you?

It seems to me that you have completely lost touch with your own sense of self here, your own emotions. You have completely bought into the dynamics of the situation you find yourself in - you can't stop picking at the Craigslist scab, you seem to be unable to stop handing yourself to your H on a plate so he can mess with your mind for his own amusement. You even asked for verification of your impression of Craigslist. That is only one example of how completely trapped you are, emotionally and psychologically.

You have lost sight of yourself.

You have lost sight of your own importance, the importance of your own life, your importance to your children.

All because of this man and his cruelty.

Stop wringing your hands. The only choice to make is a life where nobody but you holds the key to your happiness.

Stop going back over all the details looking for justification for both of the options you face.

The problem in your relationship isn't 'did he do that and was it really that bad'?

The problem in the relationship is power, power that he has wielded for years for the purposes of destroying you.
To put it very simply, the problem is that you have absolutely no power in this relationship and as long as you stay he will have it all, you will have none, and he will destroy you.

You cannot let him destroy you.
This is not the reason you were put on Earth!!!

You have no concept at all of 'future'.
He has robbed you of that.
You need to work very hard to reclaim trust that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will see you with an abundant life, and encounters and experiences that affirm your worth.

If he is changed then he will still be a new and improved version of himself ten years down the road and you can decide then if you want him back. Time is the true test of change.

You have panicked at the thought that he would find someone else. Well maybe you will find someone else? Or maybe you will find blissful peace as a single woman?

Can you trust that you might change over the course of a year, five years, ten years?
Can you accept the reality of time and a wide and free universe in which you live and move, and do you understand that you have the capacity to grow and to be renewed by new experiences?

Good post @mathanxiety
@Dudududodu please believe math. That is reality.

Wonderful post @mathanxiety

@Dudududodu

Hey..are you ok?