Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

The point you're making seems to be that he lies. That's enough to destroy a relationship, tbh. You're only feeling confused because one: you're listening to him, and two: you're hoping not to have to leave because it's scary.

In fact a few days ago he cried to me that he was terrified of splitting up because he knew how horrible I was going to be to him.

Yuck. Manipulative sod. Hardly a declaration of love, is it? And the manipulation continues with dating quickly so you swallow your feelings to get back with him before you lose him. Gotta hand it to him, he's good...

There is a chance that if I get proof I won’t believe that either!

Yes, good insight. You could well just look for some other reason to stall. Your lack of belief in yourself, for example. I agree with the PP about counselling and distancing yourself emotionally - baby steps in the right direction.

Do you believe you could thrive without him?

This thread has 261 responses telling you that your husband is a lying, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative arsehole (in so many words) yet you still keep looking for excuses to stay with him. Why?

Does he have lots of money?

I will repeat what I wrote eariler. What kind of role model is this going to be for your children? If you have a son he will emulate his father and treat his women the way your husband treats you because you allowed it to happen. If you have a daughter she will grow up believing that being in an abusive relationship is normal, and she will end up being abused and unhappy because you allowed it to happen.

If you can't end this relationship for yourself, please do it for your children. They probably already know more than you think.

SIL was married to an abusive arsehole. The children hate their father and don't respect their mother because she stayed with him.

I didn't mean you should feel guilty for leaving. Far from it. You have more than enough reason to leave. I meant why after all this time are you still wondering what to do. You have more than enough reason to leave without all this detective work. You don't seem to want to leave and keep giving reasons why you can't leave. It will be more of the same for the next twenty years or you leave. And that's your decision.

Op I've seen this same thred on here loads of times and i find the responses to be quite unfair and a little agressive. Its your choice not anyone else's. Its very easy for people to tell you to leave but noone knows your situation.
I get why you stay i really do.
Can you imagine your life without your DC ? Do you want to leave him? Do you think you could continue living with him without resenting him? Because if you did stay the only way you can move foward is to accept what hes done and accept that he will continue to cheat for the rest of his life. Have you considered an open relationship? Have you tried councilling?

I know there’s over 200 messages to me. I’m so grateful, really I am. I’m trying to take on board everything that’s been said. I’m just very worried that leaving is the wrong thing to do. In my heart, it’s the right thing. But what if it’s wrong. I don’t want to hurt people.

Someone said earlier that I need to harden my heart if I stay. I’ve tried that. It leads to him getting upset. We split last time because out of the blue he told me that unless I started showing him more live, he was leaving because he deserved better. I didn’t cave so we had a few months of hell and I asked him to leave. He often sees that I’m grumpy and asks me why I walk around looking so miserable all the time. I try to lie and say I’m fine but he goes on and on and then we have a row. The truth is ghat I’m very miserable because my life (ie my married life) is one big lie. So hardening my heart is no good.

My mum (who has issues of her own) is fed up of listening to me moan. She just says the same as all of you: that I have two choices. Well, I don’t like either of them so how am I supposed to choose?

I keep thinking he might really have changed tgis time. But realistically it’s perfectly easy to be completely secret these days. He’s prob got another apple account etc etc.

Here is an extract from the email he sent whilst also downloading dating apps, a couple of years before the most recent affair:

“You need to know I would never do anything like that to you again – I am not like that anymore and I am glad for it. I will always hate myself for what I did to you and I will always be sorry, words cannot describe how sorry I am.”

It sound a lot like the crap he tells me nowadays, except nicer.

I have two choices. Well, I don’t like either of them so how am I supposed to choose?

But you have made a choice, doing nothing and burying your head in the sand is making a choice. You have chosen to stay and you are unhappy, nobody here can make you happy to live with your DH emotional abuse.

He often sees that I’m grumpy and asks me why I walk around looking so miserable all the time. I try to lie and say I’m fine but he goes on and on and then we have a row

He knows why you are unhappy, he just wants you to blame yourself for what he has done, his thinking is the problem is not his being unfaithful, the problem is that you keep reacting to his being unfaithful. He wants you to swallow his bull and be happy to do it. Only you can know how to make that shit sandwich palatable.

We split last time because out of the blue he told me that unless I started showing him more live, he was leaving because he deserved better

Oh the irony.

We split last time because out of the blue he told me that unless I started showing him more love, he was leaving because he deserved better. I didn’t cave so we had a few months of hell and I asked him to leave. He often sees that I’m grumpy and asks me why I walk around looking so miserable all the time. I try to lie and say I’m fine but he goes on and on and then we have a row. The truth is ghat I’m very miserable because my life (ie my married life) is one big lie.

This ^^ is classic gaslighting. He is manipulating you because he can. Being mean to you is like taking sweets from a baby. His behaviour will never change. He will continue to grind you down, and down, and down.

My mum (who has issues of her own) is fed up of listening to me moan. She just says the same as all of you: that I have two choices. Well, I don’t like either of them so how am I supposed to choose?

I'm not surprised. DD had a long term boyfriend who became like that. She was heartbroken when he dumped her, but she saw the light. When he realised that he had made a mistake, DD just said no way am I going back to being miserable again. She did have a few wobbles around anniversary times, but I am so, so glad that he is now very much in the past.

You need to find the strength to leave.

You haven't answered the question - what is keeping you there? Money?

@Dudududodu you have bizarre ideas about how relationships are meant to work! No wonder you are so muddled.

Yea obviously your kids will be upset if the marriage ends. That's life. Change hurts. Are you aware that making decisions based on the metric "how can I make sure no one feels any emotions?" (and, I suspect, "how can I make sure I remain a victim so that no one will be angry with me?") is a road to utter disaster for your kids?

How do you think your kids are going to learn about courage OP?

Right now, you and your lovely husband are teaching them that love and life in general is about lying, manipulating, gaslighting and being faithless. And also about being utterly spineless, with a nice big dose of self-harm. That to be an adult means to return to the same shit, over and over, no matter how poisonous it is, like a dog returns to its vomit.

Look yourself in the eye and ask yourself why you're ok with this?

If your two choices for your marriage are both equally repellent to you - can I ask you why you wouldn't just go ahead with leaving him, since AT LEAST you would be doing right by your kids?

Where did you learn that the right way to raise kids is to shield them from every negative emotion, no matter what the cost to them long term? Because I'm very sorry but that is not love.

I see that you do the same to yourself... you can't tolerate your own emotions, are terrified of them, and so instead of just letting them happen, you run like a terrified child from them. No.matter the cost to you.

He will remarry, of course he will. You'll feel bad about it. Then you'll get over it. Surely you can see that?? A few months of feeling shit is completely survivable??? Why is it more important for you to avoid ever feeling sad, than it is for your children to learn the basics of how not to fuck their lives up? Really think about that OP..

I will also say that there is no need to answer anyone's questions here. But i do think you should ask yourself these questions, and really think about the answers.

I suspect your head is storming with anxieties and fears of the future - which makes clear thinking hard. Can I suggest writing down the questions you want to ask yourself, and taking your time in answering them.

You arent answerable to anyone here, but you are to your kids - my advice is to try to imagine your children are grown up and are asking you some hard questions. Write down your answers to them, and then perhaps think about whether you're ok with those answers or if you want to change them.

If you want to change them, then you still have time to do that. Its harsh and it's not easy but you can do it. All it takes is a plan, and you've had detailed advice here on what that plan could look like. The key for you is making the choice despite the emotions that will inevitably come up.

The cold hard fact is that your marriage is making you suicidal. You do have to leave. It will hurt. It will be shit. But you are going to need to tie yourself to the mast and get through that storm - for your children, who need you.

How were you brought up that you think this is a way to live?

He's hideous!

You need a counsellor now, to help you see that and to find the inner strength you need to kick him the hell out.

You also need good legal advice so that he doesn't decide who has the children how often and how much he pays.

Your eldest is already unhappy. You need to start the path to sort this.

You are not crazy and unfortunately he might not ever stop.

You may not like the 2 choices you have, but you need to choose, you are obviously miserable at the moment.

Well, I don’t like either of them so how am I supposed to choose?

You choose the option where at least your problems will be of your own making or coming from outside your own home, and you will have the power to solve them yourself.

Choosing the option where your problem is basically someone else is the only way to guarantee that you will end up destroyed.

OP,

Youe husband abuses you, your trust & your marriage. What you think is love for him is your dependence, fear, low self esteem & total lack of faith in yourself that you can be better & do better without him.

You are not parents who love, respect & support each other. You children are being raised by a father who is a narcissistic cheat, liar who manipulates their mother & abuses their trust and a mother who cannot find the strength to leave toxicity for herself or for them. They may not know the psychology terms but they know how it all feels. They don't know that life can be better, they don't know that things can be ok - they depend on parents to navigate stormy waters...& in your case where your husband is the force of destruction, your kids depend on you. Please find your strength for yourself & for them.

Why are you jealous...that someone new gets to be in your place & suffer the infidelity, gaslighting, humiliation, lying that has been dished out to you. Pity is all I'd feel for her. She will be with an abuser.

I think in an early post you said 'on paper' that he looks great, he is handsome & has a good career. But he's had 3 affairs...one at least at work....so people know what he is like...there are people that feel sorry for you thinking you don't know.. or maybe know that you do if you've left him & pity you that you are back with him.

Find somewhere else to live, take whatever maintenance that is fair for you & your kids, stand up for yourself & what is right, show your kids that you are not beaten down into believing you don't matter. He might be a hard habit to break but once you go & as things get better you will find your pride, resilience & happiness again.

If you don't leave...then expect more of the same or worse. Maybe he will leave you down the line when one of his affairs (there will bd more) becomes more than just an affair, or when you are so worn out & beaten down that you are just not the same girl that he married. Don't wait, get out now.

NO!
It's cheating and I would leave my DH if he was doing that

What you think is love for him is your dependence, fear, low self esteem & total lack of faith in yourself that you can be better & do better without him.

Yes. I agree absolutely with this ^^

Since you don't like either choices you could try marriage counselling. But too much water would have gone under the bridge for most folk. Still it would give you a chance to air how you feel. But all this blaming yourself is beyond ridiculous. You are the one who has been hurt by his behaviour.

Regarding your choice as to leave or stay: Fear of the unknown seems to winning over the unknown.

Think about exploring each of these options in greater detail.

Rather than talk to you Mum speak to a sensible friend or a health professional. Could you afford to have some sessions with a counselor to look at your self esteem and fears.

Why does separating make you so fearful? Why does being alone not appeal? What if you found someone else eventually.

Sorry meant known as alternative to unknown in first sentence

There's no difference between what he is doing and cheating.
If you wanna live with a cheater, stay with him.
I guarantee you this is far out from normal, and I would NEVER put up with this.

Not normal.
I have not done this and wouldn't accept it from any partner or the father of my children.

Oh man. You have been played. Again and again.

The only thing you want Is that he stop doing it and be the man he says he is, and the only answer you want here is magic advice telling you how you can make him be that man. Both are fantasies you will not give up. Here are your actual choices

• stay and accept he's doing what he's doing and try not to think about it
• stay and not accept it and be miserable AF
• leave the house and live in poverty and have 50/50 custody
• see a solicitor and have him leave the house.

Those are your choices. Pick one. It's that simple. If you choose to stay for gods sake stop wasting time and energy complaining and wondering and pretending. You're a grown woman - own your choices and the consequences.

If you decide to leave the house and get fucked over then that's your choice and don't complain about having no money.
Honestly, you need to wake up and behave like an adult. Seriously. I have never in my life seen someone so gullible. He's so clearly pulling your chain and you just won't believe it and to make things worse you allow him to run all kinds of games on you. Fuck knows what your kids make of it all. Don't you have any friends? Or has he managed to drive them away or get you to keep this all a secret from them?

Hopefully you will work this out at some point and when you do you'll be so upset at the years you lost, when you feel too old to start again, and you're on your own with no kids. Is that what you want? Cause you are NOT sailing off into the sunset with this one 🙄🙄🙄

Sexting is like dipping your toe into the water so to speak before taking the plunge and going for it. If you think 2014 is the last time then I think you’ll be in for a shock. He may even have a secret phone.