Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

Op, you are your own worst enemy

What you are doing is self harm. No more, no less.

he’s now very dramatically declared to me and the kids that he’s going for a walk because he’s having a hard time.

What a drama queen.

Never a better time for that olde saying long walk - short cliff.....

@Dudududodu you need to pull it together for your kids. He is just some guy. There are billions of them out there. He isnt special. You are choosing to give him power over you... you can change that choice.

Get legal advice.

Regarding him being with another woman etc., I am really sorry but you need to put your kids' lifelong mental health first here. I get that you are having emotions about all this. But your emotions are temporary. The damage your children are suffering will be lifelong.

Make the choice, bite the bullet, let the feelings happen. Feelings won't kill you if you just let them occur - dont let your own fear of having emotions be the thing that keeps you chained to someone who hates you and whose example of a relationship will ruin your kids lives.

If he’s sad, why not just talk to me?

Because there is more power in keeping you guessing what is going on in his head. This is about control for him, the objective is to keep you on the back foot always so he can continue to so whatever he wants to do.

He is behaving the way he is because of his over enlarged sense of entitlement, he believes that he is entitled to have the comfort and emotional support of a loving wife and mother to his DC at home, while also enjoying the thrill of fu*king strange women on the side.

I was in a similar position to you OP, my first relationship, met as teens and together nearly 20 years and he cheated repeatedly and I am going to tell you what I had to learn over many painful years, we were both being abused in our relationships.

For the kind of man who does this they are without question abusive, they may never lift a hand to you in anger (they think themselves better than the kind of men who hit their wives) but the emotional manipulation, the degrading, the control and coercion are all there, emotional and psychological abuse all day every day while the outside world looks in at the nice image they present to the world and tell you how lucky you are. No right minded person would look at a bruised and beaten woman and tell her she was lucky with her lot in life, but we do get that because these men groom everyone in their orbit.

Everyone here is telling you to leave with the best of intentions, they want you to be safe and happy, for your DC to be safe and happy with you but piling on to tell you to leave is no different that telling a battered wife to just leave the man who hits her. It is the first thing that a victim of domestic abuse is met with "But why did you not just leave?" and puts the blame on the abused. What you need to think about OP is what is he doing and saying that is keeping you where you are, you know logically that you cannot stay in this, you understand it is damaging for the DC, you know that some day the worse will happen and he will either pass a disease onto you or there will be a knock on the door and some woman will be stood there holding his baby. You know all these things, so ask yourself what is he saying or doing that is holding YOU there? (It is not the kids, you know he won't really want 50/50 it will be too much work for him) S what is it that is holding you there?

Please contact the Freedom Program for assistance. You are in a relationship with an abusive man and have been for so long that you no longer trust your own judgment. Read "Why Does He DO That" in order the learn to recognize the patterns. Set up a package at a friends house or hidden somewhere safe that contains important documents, medications, that sort of thing in case you and the kids have to get out fast.

Stop trying to talk to him and stop expecting him to talk to you.

You are taking his bait every time. You are choosing to give him power.

Step back, mentally and emotionally. Repeat the word 'Whatever' in your head every time he makes a gesture that invites you to remain in orbit around him (like this morning's little piece of drama).

Sorry, I have posted this on the wrong thread and i can't see how to delete???

He says no. The thing is, he doesn’t get home till gone 8pm every night so I do almost all the childcare. so did mine. He didn’t get 50/50. He asked for it but a) the normal arrangement was that the children had me all the time and b) I said we don’t work well separated as co parents and there is a lot of evidence 50/50 only works if both parents can co parent without animosity and drama.

Don’t take his word for it, see a solicitor. Don’t not take money. Get it all sorted through a solicitor. I get it’s hard. But someone who sexts all the time is seriously unhealthy. Every time you have sex with him, he’s half a mind on his latest other women. Think about that... I did... it hurt like hell but that is what is going on. He’s ruthless. Take one step now to leave. Contact a solicitor. One step.

Either that or waste some of the best years of you and your kids lives.

Thanks for the advice over the last few days. I’ve grown increasingly confused and depressed now. He’s got upset himself now and seems in a really bad way. He’s also talking to me kindly and apologising. The trouble is, I just can’t get over any of it. I want to split but I also want to stay. He seems today to have changed. But I bet he hasn’t really. But then what if he has. I just feel like I can’t do any of this. I’m not sure if I gave a right to be upset about things that happened years ago.

Also, I may have got it wrong on the dates. He was flirting/sexting on messaging apps in 2011 but the apps he downloaded up to 2014 were just dating apps, which he says he never used as they needed you to sign up. He says he’s a changed man now (after the affair that he had in 2016)

It’s all just so long ago. I blame myself for not getting over it because it must be exhausting listening to someone go on and on for years.

Life is pretty much over for me as I’m getting older now and have had the marriage and family. I’d never marry again so will be alone forever, which is fine because I quite like being alone. But what I’m saying is that it’s pointless thinking about myself when I could put in a brave face for the kids and give them the family they deserve. If I could just overcome the anger. How do people even manage that?

So if it’s just continuous sexting until the ago of 30, but then he stops (and just downloads dating apps, admittedly to chat to women, but doesn’t go on them) is that okay? I’m sidestepping the affair for a minute.

I’ve just read that back and realised how ridiculous I sound.

I'm sorry op but you are right - you do sound ridiculous. Why do you think you don't deserve to be treated with respect?

No OP, it isn't ok. And I'm sure you would not advise a female friend/relative in the same situation it's ok!

Your posts are so sad sounding @Dudududodu. You deserve so much better. I don't know what sex your children are, but think about this - if you have a son he will be abusive towards partner because he thinks it is normal and OK. If you have a daughter she will think that being abused by her partner is normal and OK.

If you can't split up from your partner for yourself, then do it for your children because this behavious will repeat itself down through the generations.

You answered your own question. None of this is ok. He will nto change and continue to take you for granted and abuse you. You are not that old and can start again, with or without another partner in the future. Your dc will not thank you for putting up with this and may only learn his disrespect for you and follow it. Is that how you want their future to be?

Op, how old are you that you think you’ll be alone for ever and your life is over? You made me do a double take. I’m assuming your substantially older than your husband, who is in his thirties? You are in your seventies or later?

I’m honestly not sure what you’re trying to achieve here. You clearly don’t want to leave, and have absolutely no intention of doing so. That’s totally understandable if you’re elderly now and scared.

Why continue to torture yourself like this though.

Ok now I get this. I had the same with a business partner. You feel defeated, and that there's nowhere to turn because he has so much power over your life the only option is to get out with nothing. That the only way he will leave you alone is if he gets it all. I nearly walked away from a business I created because I felt like this. These people convince you no one is on your side and you are the problem. They are fucking narcissistic cunts.
So you get £500-£1000 in a bank account and you talk to a solicitor. One who knows the rules and has seen this before. Not someone who thinks you should do mediation (you should but only to tick that box). Because by the end of that first hour a good one will explain that he can't do what he's done, and you can get complete peace from him and they will tell you what you need to do. Then there might be a couple of follow up meetings while they walk you through it. Follow their advice and forget about guilt - this man is not human. He wants power and control and money.
You are entitled to think what you think and feel how you feel - but you don't know the law. Neither did I and god knows I researched.
There are some divorce ninjas on here too, who really know there stuff. So do a new thread under another name (and wipe your traces).
The GREAT thing about men like this? They just can't help going into meltdown or behaving like arrogant pricks. So get your allies together and ducks in a row and then go. I would say you only get one shot at these men do shoot yo kill but I tried the less nuclear option on my biz partner in an attempt to be a decent person like you have - It doesn't work - but still got to do it properly the next time. So just forget about being decent. Just do it quickly and properly this time. With a solicitor. DO NOT WARN HIM.
Read about psychopaths and narcissistic personality disorder. Because that's him. 100%.

Oh and something you may not know. If he wins and gets 50/50 and you get nothing he will not be happy, or ok with you, or nice. Weird I know buts he's not a human. If you win and keep the house etc and he has to play ball he will be no more shitty. So there is no reason to pacify him, because it won't work.
I got my ex biz partner out and have heard nothing since (apart from him trying to sue me for constructive dismissal. He lost 😂😂)
My only regret is not doing it properly earlier because when he knew what I was doing he started trying to fuck the company up.
I'd use this time to examine his finances and get proof of his many affairs. I think you'll find it's worse than you imagined.

You know you have to leave for your mental health.

You did great ignoring his amateur dramatics.

That whole sorry/changing act - it really pisses me off. What, it was that easy?! But what, he couldn't be bothered before??

@Dudududodu you're desperately bargaining with the universe here. Trying to find a way to avoid accepting the death of your marriage.

No one has any "right" to be upset about anything. You just feel upset, or you don't.

He has spent his whole adult life being sexually incontinent, and you are here trying to work out how you can convince yourself you're fine with that.... yes, you do sound ridiculous, because (kindly) you are being ridiculous.

Here's rhe thing OP, you can try to run away from the fact that this marriage is dead, or, you can let the scales fall from your eyes and just look at the plain reality: your marriage is a farce. You are sacrificing your children in service of avoiding that truth. You are spitting in their faces by staying with this guy...

If you place your own comfort and fear of change above the mental health of your kids, then by all means keep doing what you're doing. But I think you are wiser than that tbh. I think you are on your way to making better choices for yourself and your children.

No one whose parents stayed together "for the kids", is happy about that op.

Don't become one of those lonely old ladies whose kids don't visit because she refuses to leave her shit husband, and instead plays the victim and blames her kids for it. Just don't. Make the courageous choice.

Bloody hell OP. I know a lady who left her cheating husband at age 70 and has never looked back!

Get a grip. You can do this!

You have every right to feel how you do.

If you are in your 70s Op then your children must be adults in their 30s at least. Why do you need to stay for them ?

Do any of them still live at home ? This might be a good time for them to move out and get the own place.

Hes really wore you down, or broke you down .. not sure which phrase is most apt op.

Sorry for not rereading the full thread, I can't remember if you said you've had any counselling or not. Perhaps that would help you cope with this and help you to process it.

Posters are demanding you do a,b and c (and mostly their intentions are good) but it seems like you're not mentally or emotionally able to deal with it.

It is a very good thing that you're talking about this, and getting perpectives, thinking it through etc.