Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

Oh and it’s not something that every guy does, young or old. It’s something that cheaters do though.

Jesus OP. Stop blathering on and rent a place

Op, if you are not going to leave him because you think this ridiculous set up is the best option for you and your children, that’s fine but you need to start taking steps to accept your OH will continue to shag people around continuously and learn to live with that and be happy.

You cannot stay with a cheater out of choice and feel offended when he cheats. It is your choice to stay, that’s the terms and conditions you are accepting.

I would just say OP that you might be as bad as each other, he is staying as you service his domestic needs even when he fancies other women. You stay because the standard of living he provides is more important for you than his unfaithfulness.

You are miserable. He is miserable. Sounds like the kids are miserable (well, alt least one of them). Really time to leave before more harm is done.

You have had some great advice but you are not listening. The saddest part is that not only is he abusing and playing games with you he is doing the same to your children. You are colluding with this. I feel so sorry for your children with you both as role models.

I have to agree with @RoisinD with how the is affecting the DC, this will harm them longterm and despite your best efforts OP you will not be able to minimise their hurt and exposure to abuse.

Your DH will continue with what he is at and I think a few years down the road he will met someone who he wants to be with seriously and leave you anyway, this usually happens when the kids are grown, you will be left with nothing. He will be off living the life with the ow and the DC will have next to no contact with you as they will question why you stayed with them in such a mess up home. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt beyond what is happening now, you can't seem to realise that.

Everything that Dontbeme has said about is exactly what happened to my mother...and I'm now very limited contact with her, and havent actually seen her in a decade (I deliberately moved to the other side of the world) as I have zero respect for her after what she put myself and my two brothers through as children, trying to keep a worthless cheater with her.

*has said above

Okay, well I guess I’ve asked for this for whinging. You’re all right. Of course you are. It’s just hard. Especially in lockdown when he’s always here and I can’t get away.

I expect to have moved out in a week. I’ve already explained why it can’t be him that leaves. We did that last time and it was unsuccessful. Do I want to leave my family home and my beloved cat? No. Of course not. But I don’t mind the poverty etc. That’s not the issue here. I work (I don’t earn a great wage, granted) I’ve got qualifications and a watertight career. I am thrifty. And it’s not like he has been “keeping” me. We have separate accounts and I have very little money. He has loads (I’m not sure how much) so it’s not about losing my lifestyle. That’s not to say my reasons are honourable, but it’s not the money.

I need to be careful not to out myself but suffice to say that this is literally the only relationship I have ever had. We’ve been together since we were children. It’s just hard, that’s all.

But I do appreciate the 2x4s

See a solicitor. Half of the savings are yours. The fact that you and he keep two savings pots matters not one jot. The total is split. That's marriage and divorce.

It is hard. But having returned after you left last time, it's more likely you'll make a success of it this time. I left my H successfully on the second attempt - I looked back at the time in between as so pointless (he'd not changed a bit and leaving each time was a difficult process) that I was determined that I was done!

I loved having the space when I moved into my own place with my DCs - I hope you will too. Two things to help once you're there: never let him through the door, and choose a time to look at his messages, rather than feeling obliged to read them as soon as you see them. Create that safe space to be alone with your thoughts, not intruded on by his. You may well find that, in the peace, you feel suddenly certain that you've done the right thing. That's what happened to me, anyway.

Good luck

Well that's a much more promising future. Well done.

I'm so glad you've made a decision.

But please make sure you get a SHL (shit hot lawyer)

At the moment you seem to think he should get all he wants. Well that's not how it works.

Make sure you get what you and your children are entitled to.

Bring the children with you.

Bring the cat too - why wouldn't you?

See a solicitor.
Don't be afraid to poke the bear. Let a solicitor do all of that.

Half the assets of the marriage are yours.

Your choice is not Poverty vs Misery.

Well done on your decision & best of luck. Do not give in or look back just because freedom is daunting. You'll get used to it & love it. And take your cat...s/he has probably been stressed too.

And get a solicitor fast. You do not sound v aware of your entitlements & you need to get (and take) legal advice. Before you go, if you can see if there are financial documents in your house that might privide information on assets. Take your maintenance, take what you & your children are entitled to...why wouldn't you?

Also, your solicitor can negotiate on your behalf around any contentious issues that crop up...esp if your OH tries to use contact around access /children to manipulate or pressure you.

And book in with a counsellor...it will benefit you & help you put all this into perspective & reinforce your decision is right for you & your kids.

Well, do I think you will leave, no.

You seem really hung up on him meeting someone else, you should run and never look back but you won't.

You'll continue to be miserable just to say you're married.....married to a cunt.....but still married.

I'd love to say leave you deserve so much better as do your children, but you're not at that stage and that's really sad.

If you do find the strength TAKE THE CAT TOO FFS!

You dont want to hurt him????

He does not deserve that consideration. He has done nothing but hurt you.

Just read your post 15.10
You are going to flourish.

Adjustment is hard but you will be better off single

Don’t know if it’s normal but it’s certainly not acceptable.

I think that you massively undervalue yourself and are potentially going to get screwed and that's not right. Firstly, has he done 50% of the child raising? The housework? The appointments with kids etc? No. of course not.

You havent been living the high life with designer handbags and nights out at posh restaurants Have you? And it's not like you got to amass huge savings because he paid for everything while you made money you got to keep. So his greater earnings have not, so far, benefitted you in any real way - he's kept it in a separate account and hasn't been splashing out. And you've lived with misery and humiliation.

So don't be a martyr because you are trying to prove a point or your self worth is in the gutter. Get a solicitor and be fair - but be a mug.

And take the fucking cat!

Sorry I meant don't be a mug!

You seem really hung up on him meeting someone else, you should run and never look back but you won't. I used to about my Ex. Looking back it was a symptom of how unsexy I felt and unworthy, and how much I was subconsciously being affected by him being so sexually active, still attractive to lots of women etc...

He used to laugh and say that ‘he was such a rogue’. He thought he was a real lothario.

On thing that helped me was realizing that most women are like me. Sure we susceptible to charm, and a fit sexy guy. My Ex was really sexy. However none of us like being lied to and cheated on. Sexy then just becomes sleezy. NO woman wants sleeze and these men just become really not worth much. They have little value except for a good one night stand (with protection as they are high risk for stds). Not good for a relationship let alone marriage. You should pity the next woman.

Thanks again. I really do appreciate all of the help. I’m trying to process all of the advice. It may look like I am a total idiot but really I’m quite a sensible person (in matters unrelated to my farce of a marriage)

StayingInSummer, I think you are right by saying that my fear of him meeting someone else is rooted in my own self esteem. But it’s not quite like your ex. My husband is not overtly sexy. He seems to charm women by playing on the fact that he’s had only one long term relationship (faithful) that his wife aka me was controlling and cruel (vulnerable) that he has a good professional career (provider) and that he is always focussed on his kids (great dad material). If you met Donald trump you would probably think he was a great successful man... bear with me on this one... until you talked to him because he would quickly reveal himself to be a twat. My husband isn’t like that. He comes across as a successful man and then you talk to him and he’s just shy. Women seem to love it from what I can gather.

I’m biting myself by thinking about this all of the time. It’s exhausting. But I can’t reconcile the facts vs the fiction. Yesterday we had this conversation:

Me: OMG you downloaded craigslist? That’s basically a site for finding hookers.
Him: no it isn’t. It’s like gumtree isn’t it? Anyway it was ages ago.
Me: no really, it’s bigger in America, but it’s really seedy. You can sell things on it but that’s not why you downloaded it.
Him: I don’t even know what it is.
Me: so why did you hide it in your delegated apps section with all the other sex/dating apps?
Him: well I have heard it was used for that but that’s not why I had it. I don’t even remember downloading it. It was years ago. I probably just wanted to chat in it.
Me: but you just said a second ago that you didn’t even know what it was.
Him: I never said that.

Anyway, I know it’s pointless and I am just harming myself by going over and over it all the time. I should stop looking for stuff. But it’s lockdown and he’s always here so I can’t help picking at it. I’m going to try to take the kids out every day to take my mind off it.

That was a daft conversation. What did you expect him to say that would have satisfied you? "Oh, yeah love, I was looking for some quick hookups. Want to join a threesome?"

I mean you even reference the special area of his phone for his cheating apps.

What you effectively said there was "I have seen this, I need you to lie to me." Followed by "That lie isn't high enough quality, please lie better"