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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

369 replies

Dudududodu · 19/05/2020 19:12

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 26/05/2020 08:01

I never imagined Craig List as A mainly hooker site.

Original poster
Dudududodu · 26/05/2020 08:09

Yes au agree. I wasn’t posting the conversation to illustrate how clever I am! I was just giving you an insight into my life during lockdown. I can’t stop picking at the scab (even though I know he’s never going to fess up. I mean, I would, but I know he won’t). All it does is make him deny or fall back on the old classic ‘it was ages ago and I’m a changed man,’ which confuses me.

Although, having said that, he’s only started saying that since I made plans to leave. Before that it was all ‘fucking sort yourself out or fuck off,’ and ‘you’ve wasted my life and you’re a sadist. I want a divorce.’

I spoke to the kids carefully last night. My eldest said it was for the best. My youngest was okay with it. So I guess it’s a done deal now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dudududodu · 26/05/2020 08:13

I might be wrong about craigslist. I’ve only heard about it through chump lady tbh. I could be well off the mark. But then it was in the hidden apps section, with zoosk, Lovoo, scout, kik, sex positions calculator etc etc. The ones he hid in order to hide his cheating. There were no non-sex apps in there. He only got his new phone less than a year ago so he made the effort to hide all of the ones he knew would upset me. If he used it to sell old bicycles, he wouldn’t have hidden it. He didn’t hide eBay.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 26/05/2020 08:13

Well done op. You are moving forwards - keep going; slowly but surely you are heading in the right direction.

Franwith2and1 · 26/05/2020 08:50

When I separated from my husband (he wanted out not me), I was so hung up on how good looking he was and how I couldn’t bear him to move on. 7 years younger than me also! So I did first, took him by surprise. Mind you it paved the way for him and his female (friend) to go official! As much as that hurt I had suspected for so long and to be honest I’m with a lovely guy now. I’ve had cancer surgery since and he loves every bit of me. There are better men out there than the one who doesn’t really want you. Strikes me your husband didn’t have much experience before he met you so he’s been enjoying doing what he should have done before he met you. Silly man as he’s is going to be lost without you, while you will go on and grow and grow without that wart hanging off you. Good luck, be braver than he thinks you will ever be and live your life In whatever way you choose x!

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 09:23

You're not wrong about craigslist OP. I just googled it!

LIZS · 26/05/2020 09:33

He's minimising the problem and gas lighting you. He is enjoying the fact that you are so invested in his seedy little world . Might be better to just draw the line and not engage.

Original poster
Dudududodu · 26/05/2020 10:10

After a brief row where he used his phone to record out conversation (so I chose not to speak) he got in a terrible rage after crying. Wanted to know why I didn’t ‘have the decency to recognise it was years ago,’ he threw himself to the floor and then rushed towards me and went to hit me. He held his fist right up to my face. Then he opened the front door and pushed me out. He’s done that sort of thing before but I honestly thought he would punch me that time.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 26/05/2020 10:15

Was that just now? Are you safe?

SionnachGlic · 26/05/2020 13:23

Please leave.

Cambionome · 26/05/2020 13:26

Oh God op - it just gets worse and worse! Please put your safety first. Flowers

Windyatthebeach · 26/05/2020 13:33

I hope you rang the police op. They are the ones who made me face facts exh was a dangerous man..

Bluesheep8 · 26/05/2020 14:01

No, they don't.

Bluesheep8 · 26/05/2020 14:02

Hold on just read your last post. You need to leave op. Quickly.

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 14:24

Oh no. Please get out of there!

rvby · 26/05/2020 17:30

OP, he's going to ramp up his behaviour now as he becomes more desperate.

Can you phone the police non emerg line and see if they will connect you with a domestic violence person who can advise you. Your home is going to become dangerous for the children (and you), you need advice.

Original poster
Dudududodu · 26/05/2020 22:11

It’s okay. I’m fine. I just went to my mum’s for a bit. He’s being reasonable this evening so I’m not in any danger. I’m probably at more risk of falling for his nice self again. He often rages these says but rarely touches me so I’m not worried. I was just a bit shaken earlier. It’s annoying that he didn’t record himself doing that. He had just made a recording of me telling him he should apologise for being a wanker and then him saying ‘oh please just be nice to me. Promise me you won’t be horrible. I’m begging you!’ Then he stops recording and takes his phone upstairs. Five minutes later he tries to punch me. Now I have to be silent and not talk to him (which is good I suppose) but I reckon I’ve already been angry on tape a few times. Him? Well it’s just my word for it isn’t it.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 26/05/2020 23:47

Wow he's a fucking nut job. I just couldnt have sex with someone that pathetic. He sounds like a three year old. Ugh. Once he starts that shit he won't have women falling at his feet I can tell you. You're gullible but the women he dates won't be, not for long.

I also think he is mentally unstable. It's all about who thinks what and if he's convinced other people you are a horrid cow then he's a nasty mentally unstable three year old. That one thing alone would get me out the door.

I honestly think in all this you have either lost touch with or don't realise this is not how people behave. All of it is so deeply weird I hardly know what to say. How you keep a straight face through it all I'll never know. How are you not taking the piss out of him for this?

Just see a fucking solicitor before you ruin your life more. Sometimes, just sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we are not doing the smart thing, and that just maybe other people are right. This is one of those times. Whatever you think you should do (apart from leave) is currently wrong. Just talk to a solicitor and do what they tell you for the love of god. Right now your own judgement is absolutely not working because he has done a number on you.

You'll be needing the extra money for some therapy I think. Seriously.

rvby · 26/05/2020 23:49

He can't do or prove anything with those recordings, if that helps. Let him record you, it honestly doesn't even matter.

The best course of action is to stop engaging with him altogether though - for example, you really do not need to tell him to apologise for anything. Let him do whatever he wants, it's not your concern. Just get yourself out of the marriage. Focus on that and that alone.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2020 23:50

Call the police

Candyfloss99 · 26/05/2020 23:56

You need to get out and call the police asap.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2020 23:56

it’s lockdown and he’s always here so I can’t help picking at it.

Yes you bloody well can.

Just stop it. Write whatever it is that you want to say on a piece of paper in red, in caps, whatever. Bite your tongue.

Sorry to swear but what the hell are you trying to achieve here?

You are not going to win an argument or even a conversation with this man. He is going to win every single time because winning is what narcissists crave.
You are a woman going around with a huge KICK ME sign on your butt.

Stop talking to him.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2020 23:59

Just see a fucking solicitor before you ruin your life more.

THIS ^^

Sometimes, just sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we are not doing the smart thing, and that just maybe other people are right. This is one of those times. Whatever you think you should do (apart from leave) is currently wrong. Just talk to a solicitor and do what they tell you for the love of god. Right now your own judgement is absolutely not working because he has done a number on you.

AND THIS ^^

Kittenlicker · 27/05/2020 07:52

Leave.

TorkTorkBam · 27/05/2020 08:14

Call Women's Aid. Your posts are bonkers. You have almost totally lost your grip on reality. Speak to a real life woman at Women's Aid. They are fantastic. You might have to call a few times before you get to speak to someone as they are busy.

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