Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

[Dudududodu]

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

Even though it may seem major, it's also a good idea to see exactly how things would be financially and practically of you do separate from him. Not even to act on immediately but to do your research and sed where you'd stand.

*see

So if it’s just continuous sexting until the ago of 30, but then he stops (and just downloads dating apps, admittedly to chat to women, but doesn’t go on them) is that okay? I’m sidestepping the affair for a minute.

Sweet Jesus, listen to yourself.

He is lying to you about those apps.

And he is having fun trying on different poses for you - sorry, angry, sulky, entitled. He is watching your responses and feeling terrific because he knows he has your undivided attention.

He is quite the am dram guy.

I’ve been out with a lot of guys (married at 40) & find there are types, your DH is one.
The ones like this were not husband material (some are married now) as far as I was concerned.
That’s not to say that a devoted husband couldn’t cheat, it happens, but is more rare IMO.
Your husband won’t change...

If everything else in your marriage is great OP, then stay. If he makes you feel loved and appreciated; if he does his fair share around the house; if you have a close bond; if you have good intimacy; if he's a good role model for the kids; if you enjoy spending time with him....if you're happy, then stay...

@hydroxychloroquinegate

Have you actually read any of the thread, including the op..????????

I think she was being sarcastic CORA

Right over my head.

It is NOT ok

Not normal!!!!! Omg why would you think this is normal!!! He has conditioned you to think so. Leave him! You deserve so much better. Go find someone who respects you. And follow Florence Given on Instagram.

I've never felt such despair for a Poster in a long time...

OP this man has destroyed your mental well being .. he gaslights you.. plays the victim whilst he treats you appallingly.. financially abuses you... everyone on here is correct...

You will never leave this abuser...so you need to toughen up your resolve..and accept that this is who he is.. for own sanity

But what I’m saying is that it’s pointless thinking about myself when I could put in a brave face for the kids and give them the family they deserve.

Your kids don’t have a family. They have an incredibly unhealthy dynamic within their own home. Your family doesn’t exist. A family is trust, honesty, security, stability. Kids can sense they don’t have that.

If you can’t end it. Why don’t you do 6 months apart? Forget about you. For your kids? Believe me they need a break from this. Give them that. He might whine but he will do it. Just be a family, which means you plus kids on your own. Let them see you unstressed, relaxed, free. Let your kids have your full attention.

The trouble with men like this is that all your attention keeps on them and not your kids. Give your kids 6 months.

My father was 19 when he married my mother...they were married for 23 years in total and he was unfaithful to her for 19 of those years.

You must really think very little of your children if you imagine the 'family' you are currently giving them is in any way beneficial to them and what they 'deserve'. And believe me, if your husband has been doing this shit for 20 years they will have some idea of it...and you used them as pawns when you split up from this prick just because you didn't like the fact (according to him) that he was moving on? Jesus...

As @GilbertMarkham said: women they know may have forgiven infidelity, often repeated infidelity, only to be dumped in the long term anyway when one of his emotional (or otherwise) affairs became serious and/or he considered the time right because kids were grown up with no maintenance to pay and no pesky child access visits to manage on his own etc.

This is exactly what happened to my mother. She wouldn't end the marriage because she didn't want to give up the lifestyle...she put her marriage before the happiness and welfare of her children. In the end it wasn't up to her... my father waited until my younger brother turned 18, met another woman, got serious with her, and left my mother 6 months later. That was 30 years ago and he's still married to the other woman...

Every word StayingInSummer has said in the above post is true. Put your kids first.

My experience points to it being pretty normal behaviour, whenever I've been single in my twenties I've had men come out of the woodwork, many in relationships and believe me, I'm nothing special! Also heard similar from female friends, seems especially prevalent with the likes of snapchat making it very easy. I'm 27.

Well the affairs were a while ago. What's the point in leaving now if you've known about it all this time.

Viviennemary is of course just repeating back to you what you've thought yourself.

And the answer is, you now realise you can't move past it and also it was shitty behaviour.

And you are (hopefully) beginning to realise that you can be a great family, just you and the kids. They'll still have a father, but he won't be in your family. (Because of that, I advise you to take money he offers for the DC, but ignore the moaning that went with it last time!)

You can get free of him. I know it seems hopeless at the moment, particularly with lockdown, but you can do it, for your children. And for yourself. (Why would you think life is pretty much over? Life is so much more than marriage and a traditional family set up!) If you haven't already, write a list, kept in a safe place, of all the reasons you should go. Add to it whenever you think of something and look at it when you wobble.

Thanks again,

Viviennemary, that’s exactly what I keep thinking. It seems a bit shitty to leave over stuff that happened a while ago. It makes me feel guilty for not being able to forgive. But on the other hand, I never find out the whole truth at the time. In his most recent affair, it took two years for me to find out they stayed in touch for a while after she left the firm. Not a big deal I suppose, except for the fact that I’d asked him on many occasions if he’s had contact with her and he defied.

And now, It’s the sexting. I’m very confused. Until a few weeks ago I was under the impression that he had episodes of sexting on two main occasions. I now find out that it has been consistent for years and years. He says he’s given up, that it was just chatting on dating apps but not meeting and that it was ages ago. But he’s a proven liar so I don’t know. So yes it’s petty and happened years ago. But it could just as easily be going on now. He would lie.

His second affair (13 years ago) was a casual hookup. But he has been sexting her beforehand. He says that the encounter put him off ever wanting a ONS ever again, but then why carry on the sexting for years afterwards? It strikes me he didn’t learn his lesson. So yes it was years ago, but then again not, because the core behaviour never really went away.

He has a habit of emailing me very long missives about our relationship. I read one of the first ones he sent from 2013 where he assured me that he’s grown up and a changed person. But now with hindsight I know that he’s cheated on me at least once since then and at the time of the email was also on dating apps (that he claims to have downloaded but never used)

I also have an email from two days after he kissed his most recent AP (before I found out) where he assures me he’s not been cheating for years. D begged him not to take her to work as their relationship made me uncomfortable, so he stormed out of the house, gave her a lift to work and then sent me that email to tell me how content he is with life and how it my fault.

The point I’m trying to make is that I’m very confused!

I promised myself that at the next tiny sign of infidelity I would leave. But now I’ve found out about the baffling length of his sexting habit, I’ve almost forgotten if I did actually say I would leave. It sound ridiculous, but I can’t remember if I knew about this before or not. I mean I KNOW I didn’t because I write everything down these days and save every email so as not to get confused. So I know it’s new information. But my brain is refusing to believe it.

And regarding the impact in the kids. I feel bereft at this. I just want what’s best for them. I suspect my older child would like us to split. My youngest took the split last time very badly. Saying things like it feel so sad and I don’t know why.’ I tried to arrange counselling for them through the school, but it was sporadic at best. Camhs offered help but the waiting list was huge.

My husband signed up to tinder one month after moving out. At the same time he was sending me emails saying he would walk on hot coals for me. That he wanted another chance. He used to take off his wedding ring to go on dates, then put it back on when he saw me. I was doing no contact / grey rock, which he found very difficult. In fact a few days ago he cried to me that he was terrified of splitting up because he knew how horrible I was going to be to him. Last time, when my eldest child told me that he was dating again (after 2 months of him moving out) I asked him about it because he hadn’t even collected his underwear from out house. His shit was still everywhere and he was still wearing his ring etc. He told me he was dating because he wanted to fall in love again quickly, find real love and get married again. So I panicked. That’s why we got back together. The fact that it would ease the worries of both my children (my youngest who was depressed and my eldest who was crying that daddy was dating girls) was a factor. But I guess jealousy on my part too.

So StayinginSummer, I can’t move out for six months because in a matter of weeks he will be trying to get himself a new wife.

Mathanxiety, yes I believe he is lying about the apps. The App Store seems to have changed, in that in the past when you would download an app, delete and reinstall, it would show the individual occasions. Now the date just reverts to to first time you downloaded it, I have tested this on my own phone. I know he is lying about logins and signing up etc (won’t bore you) and I am trying to work out the date at which the App Store actually changed its recording methods. Yes I know this is pointless, but I need proof because I don’t believe what’s happening here. There is a chance that if I get proof I won’t believe that either!

Children pick up vibes from you. From what you've written you weren't giving off the strong confident vibes when you split.

When I was a child I knew not to rock the boat or pick sides. My parents would talk of splitting, they'd weaponise the children but not overtly. We knew they weren't going to split and we'd end up being hated by one or the other if we appeared to favour one or the other so we were very careful to pander to their egos.

They also blamed us for them staying together.

They split when I was 18. Bastards made me live in that awful atmosphere then separated when I got no benefit from it. They also spouted shite about the children would have been devastated.

If you want to stay then stay but stop laying the blame on the children. Stop selecting little bits of their behaviour to justify staying. Own it. Whatever your decision own it and run with it.

Why do you need cast iron proof?

Surely you know for certain that you are unhappy.

There is a chance that if I get proof I won’t believe that either!

I can’t move out for six months because in a matter of weeks he will be trying to get himself a new wife

I’m reading your thread Op and wondering why you are spending your time searching for more proof when you have plenty already ?

I’m thinking “ She already knows he’s a long term cheat, what more does she need? Why doesn’t she leave him now?

Then I read that you can’t leave him because then he will be free to marry one of his OW , not just shag then on the side. And I see that the most important thing to you is keeping him as your husband, living with you. You don’t actually care if he’s faithful or not, do you ?

In that case why you don’t you just stop all the searching and accept that you have an open marriage? You’ve already said that whatever proof you get, he will explain it away and you will believe him.

So what’s the point of all this searching and all these threads ?

what changes in six months' time?

So StayinginSummer, I can’t move out for six months because in a matter of weeks he will be trying to get himself a new wife.

You panicked. He made you panic and it worked. I was saying move out for a while as you need to get your head into a space that doesn’t revolve around him. However it sounds like you are still quite bonded to him. You say you did it for your kids but that isn’t true, they didn’t benefit from being back together. So take them out of the equation for a while.

You need to decide. It doesn’t sound like you are in any way ready to move on and break up. And in a way, the whole moving out and him dating and your kids knowing, sounds very messy but also that you are part of the unhealthy dynamic here too. Sorry I know it’s hard to hear but you are. I’d suggest a really good counselor just for you or really good friends that you can talk too. And in the meantime keep everything stable for your kids, and try find some emotional distance from the rollercoaster type relationship you are in.

It would be better to leave but I don’t think you will.