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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

369 replies

Dudududodu · 19/05/2020 19:12

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/05/2020 19:41

He’s a dirty sleazebag and has absolutely no respect for you. If you don’t call it a day there is nothing in your future except plummeting self-esteem and misery. Get out now while you’re still sane

user1481840227 · 19/05/2020 19:41

He probably will marry again, but he'll cheat on her too.
He clearly has a huge problem and cannot stay faithful, this is not a one off....and when he's not actively cheating he needs the excitement of at least chatting to women and lining up the next one.
He will do it to the next one too

By the time he does remarry you will hopefully have healed a lot and be absolutely delighted that you are out of the relationship.

You deserve so so much better than this!

Deathraystare · 19/05/2020 19:46

Funnily enough I am sure if it was the other way around, you doing it not him he would not be ok with it!

Missillusioned · 19/05/2020 19:46

My ex did this, although I didn't know at first. I didn't leave when I found out. It didn't get better. He left me eventually anyway. Don't waste your time. Or you'll find yourself dumped 10 years from now when it's much harder to start again.

Hardheadedwoman39 · 19/05/2020 19:48

My ex husband did this for our entire relationship.
It's not acceptable and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
My ex had an incredible talent for diminishing the severity of his behaviour to the point where I thought I was overreacting. Then I would remember it's not normal, not all men do it and my self esteem had left the building....so I followed it!

Sending you a hug and lots of courage!

SusieOwl4 · 19/05/2020 19:48

So why are you leaving now ? What has triggered it ?

OpenWheelRace · 19/05/2020 19:50

He's a cheat = he's not a catch; he may well remarry but he'll cheat on her too, so I wouldn't be jealous just pitying.

Move on, OP. There are a lot of lovely men out there - and its perfectly possible to be happy and content by yourself too.

countrylanes · 19/05/2020 19:53

If you stay you will have to accept that he will serially have sex/ relationships with other women for the rest of your relationship.

Bertucci · 19/05/2020 19:55

Set your sights higher than on the ground.

No, not normal. He's an absolute loser and you're putting up with it?

begoniapot · 19/05/2020 19:57

If you've made a decision to stay with him because of your children and family life, and because it would upset you to see him with another woman and you may end up alone, then that's your choice. Personally I would rather be alone but know what you are saying wrt children.

It's no life though ☹️

Whenwillthisbeover · 19/05/2020 19:58

🤦🏻‍♀️

LexMitior · 19/05/2020 19:59

It’s a very simple question; if you did the same to other men, would he tolerate it? If no, then really you have two choices;

A) Tolerate it. People do.
B) Finish it

Some marriages are utterly faithless and done for reasons other than romance. I’m not saying it’s what you should do, but that if you stay, you will have to harden your heart. This man does not love you like you do him, you will have to leave or cope with that reality.

But face it head on and decide. What you should not do is ignore your feelings. Should you stay, you may always change your mind. But this man will not change. Staying may be responsible for your children. But you must consider whether you can have a future with this knowledge, whether you can tolerate that, and your own feelings.

Affairs do not have to be the end of a relationship. But you have to decide positively what you will do. And in making that decision, you can and should be just as selfish as your husband has been. Anything less and you will not own your decision. It’s important you do that.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Smartcasual · 19/05/2020 20:01

Op - seriously - he is not "quite a catch".

What on earth makes you think he is? Is it good looks? Money? (Clutching at straws.) Fame?

Money does give you choices but material possessions don't make you happy, looks fade, and ultimately, fame means diddly squat, especially if he treats you so badly at home.

Did you always have such a low opinion of yourself that you would continue to subject yourself to this appalling and disrespectful behaviour, or have you been with him so long that he has ground down your confidence until you feel this way?

Do you want your DC growing up thinking this is a normal way for a man to treat his wife?

A lovely, intelligent, kind, attractive, funny, friend of mine was married to her dh for 28 years during which he was serially unfaithful to her. They only divorced a few years ago but she really regrets not leaving him sooner before he subjected her to years of humiliation.

Run for the hills op. Truly, you deserve so much betteri Flowers

crimsonlake · 19/05/2020 20:06

Actually I am sure lots of us do not get it and I certainly do not??
You do not want to hurt him by leaving?? Has he ever considered your feelings in all of this?? No.

Incrediblytired · 19/05/2020 20:06

He’s a vile cheat.

3 affairs?

Even if you stay it won’t be a happy family life. That’s gone.

BronwenFrideswide · 19/05/2020 20:07

I don’t want to hurt him but he gives no shits about hurting you does he?

I stay because I don’t believe I could do any better (he’s great on paper. Quite a catch!) so I’ll have to watch him remarry someone better. Your self esteem must be in the cellar and I think you need help to address why you have such a low opinion of yourself. Your husband doesn't love, respect or care about you, if he did he wouldn't behave as he does and you seem to believe that somehow this behaviour is all you are worth and that's tragic.

To answer your question no, lots of men don't do what your husband does, some do and they should be ditched rapidly because they are not worth your love, time and effort.

justasking111 · 19/05/2020 20:11

My friend married her OH straight out of teachers training college. He did and still does this infidelity thing. He is 72 this year. She did leave him once but because of his clever juggling with finance on paper appeared to be poor. Despite living in a huge house and putting three children through private school. Everything was cash with him.

Cocobean30 · 19/05/2020 20:12

Why would you allow your children to witness this? Put them first and leave them. It is so incorrect that it’s better to stay with a cheating prick for the sake of the kids, the OPPOSITE is true

2littlledarlings · 19/05/2020 20:12

He had affairs that isn’t normal, not sure why you are asking if it’s normal for people to do the texting, meeting up for casual sex-none of this is normal and you need to raise the bar of what is acceptable. Sorry to sound blunt. All this can’t be a massive shock tho.

Cocobean30 · 19/05/2020 20:12

**leave HIM not them

BananaBabies · 19/05/2020 20:12

he really isn't a catch at all!

Don't waver a moment longer.

Cocobean30 · 19/05/2020 20:12

He doesn’t care about hurting you!!!!

Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2020 20:12

It's not normal or nice. The fact he wants you to think it is normal is also crap.

It's not about growing up, it's about being faithful, kind, nice, decent, caring etc.

You have tried. He has just been trying it on. Thanks I hope you have a better time without him. (just wondering how he would feel if you had been doing this for 20 years).

prettypeonies · 19/05/2020 20:14

Absolutely agree with everyone here, it's definitely not normal and I don't know how you can cope with the worry of who he might be texting/meeting up with day in day out! That would drive me to insanity.

Agree with the comments about your self-belief, he is absolutely not a catch, and if he does meet someone else and remarry, I would feel sorry for her rather than envious as he clearly thinks this is a normal thing to do?! He's completely made you believe you're not good enough for him, to make you let him away with what he is doing Sad

If you really did want to try and keep your marriage, I guess counselling could be an option.....have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same thing he was doing?

Gncq · 19/05/2020 20:15

Cheetahs don't change their spots...