Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@myotherface I have a dog a cuddly daft dog I would say get one they might not be able to sleep with the kids straight away but mine loves to cuddle in with anyone who will have her!!
I worry when we separate about my pup!! If I can stay in the house I'll definitely have her with me
She gives the best hugs and is like my shadow so can't imagine being without her

[marypoppinsreturns]

Evening ladies

We've had almost what I would call a good day today. Honestly if every day was like this then I think we'd be ok. I know it is unlikely to last though. I've actually got a little record of things that have happened over the last year and a half or so. Read through it recently and wondered myself why I am still here. I even managed to record one particularly vile rant he had at me one day when he didn't get his own way if you get my drift. Don't know what, if anything, I'll ever do with it. It's kind of in retaliation to him saying he's recorded me when we've fought and he's said he showed his family and it showed me being the aggressor, which he could have made it look like, as there was occasions in the past where I've shouted back when I couldn't stand it anymore. No idea if he has these recordings but the thought does worry me. I know it's hypocritical of me to have done similar but the way he behaved to me was completely unjustified, and not just on that occasion.

Feel I need to get through lockdown and if we get back to the point where he has a day in work and I don't, then can start thinking about getting important paperwork together etc, and try to get some advice about how I can possibly change things. Never alone just now so it's impossible.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@marypoppinsreturns evening
I'm glad you have had a good day
Sometimes I think good days are harder than the bad ones
They make us have hope and doubt the reality of our feelings
I question myself constantly as it is at least when we have a crap day My feelings are justified
A complete head f**k
I'm off work now for 11 days not sure we will survive it! X

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

We are in a good place at the moment because I am doing everything that is expected of me. Been like that since....erm... end of March.

I refer to it as self preservation. Can’t say he’s not lost his shit over a number of things during that time, but I just grit my teeth and know it’ll soon be over.

I’ve also started meditating which I find is helping my thought patterns and anxiety A bit.

[Mumof3dogs]

@myotherface as you may be able to tell from my user name I have dogs and they are often a big comfort.
Although tbh if we didn't have them I may have already left as they are in my mind as to what will we do with them when we part ? Who gets which or all of them?

For you @myotherface I would suggest that you make sure that the rental you take will accept dogs ( I know to my cost that lots dont )
And then once you have made the move you can fulfill that dream for you and your children . Dogs have a way of showing you love and also being great listeners and shoulders to cry on

As others have said it's time to find the life that we deserve not one we have to endure!

[Mumof3dogs]

Not sure why some of my reply is in bold - apologies if it comes across as I am trying to speak loudly - I'm not ... just bad at technology

[marypoppinsreturns]

@takethegirloutofscotland you have actually summed it up there. Exactly how I feel on days like today.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

Good morning ladies
How are you all today?
I've got a long weekend with us all at home and rotten weather to look forward to. X

[Diabetes123]

Morning

Well I am waiting for my new bed to be delivered and just doing some housework and then seeing one of my daughters this afternoon which I'm really excited about :)

I've also looked into some counselling this morning to try and work through some things myself :)

Off work this weekend but woke up at 6.30am :( bloody typical.

Hope everyone ok here if you need me x

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@Diabetes123 I'm always up early on days off too it sucks
Hope you have a lovely time with your daughter today and you enjoy your lovely new bed tonight xx

[Diabetes123]

Thank you takethegirloutofscotland

I was let down by the bed company but I've sourced a second hand one online which is being delivered as we speak and then I'm going down to see my daughter.

How are you?

[takethegirloutofscotland]

I'm ok
Spending the whole weekend together with kids isn't much fun Ive come out to do food shop and the queue at every supermarket is so depressing
I know it's for the right reasons but I'm just so fed up with the whole situation at the moment
Im going to chat with some friends later and hope the weather gets better so I can get out for a run with the pup Tomo
Off work for the week but he is at work so just me and kids looking forward to spending some time with them as I've worked all through them being off school xx

[Diabetes123]

Aww chin up takethegirloutofscotland

It is a horrible situation at the minute but we just have to get through it the best we can :)

Try and enjoy your week with the kids and just focus on getting some fresh air and exercise does you the world of good.

I've seen my eldest daughter today but no joy with youngest :( Got my new bed and done some painting so kept myself busy not looking forward to spending another Saturday night on my own but hey ho.

Hope you can get through your time off with him :)

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@Diabetes123 give your youngest time I'm sure she will come round

It's crazy I dream of a Saturday night on my own
Choosing what I want to watch/listen to and do! A bath the radio and glass of wine would be my ideal
I'm under no illusion it will be all Rosey and get it must be lonely especially at the moment
Have you got something nice planned?
I'm finishing my housework and having a wine now he's playing PlayStation 🙄
I'm sorry I sound so miserable xx

[Diabetes123]

takethegirloutofscotland

Not at all I know exactly what its like, its bloody tough :(

Mmmm…..I'm not so sure I know what a little madam she is!

Nothing planned just going to have a nice hot bath in a bit and a glass of wine I'm absolutely shattered but got my new bed to sleep in tonight :)

What are your plans for tonight?

[takethegirloutofscotland]

Had a glass of wine and it's gone down nicely
I've got a call arranged with a friend later
Had one of those days where I actually don't know how much longer I can do this!
But I've done it for about 4 yrs on and off another few weeks TIL lockdown is done is nothing
And I can start thinking about next steps xx

[Diabetes123]

Aww bless ya

I remember those days :(

Are you going to sit him down and tell him? How old are the kids?

Bloody lockdown totally sick to death of it :(

I have had a nice hot bath and now working my way through a bottle of wine :) and watching crap on TV :)

Sorry you feel so bad its a horrible feeling I know believe me but you will be ok I promise :) You just have to find your inner strength and be very focused about what you want :)

Hugs ()

[takethegirloutofscotland]

Thank you @Diabetes123 I just need to keep hearing that
Kids are 10/12
I need to have an exit plan I know if I just blurt it out he'll be angry then sad and then guilt me into staying
I really don't want to leave my house and in the long term I know he can't afford to keep it on his own but I could!
I don't think he will leave though and I can't bear the thought of living in the same house once I've told him
I'm thinking I might find a rental for me and kids until he realises or just get the house on the market we have enough equity to buy somewhere decent each

Enjoy your peaceful Saturday night!

[Diabetes123]

You are doing the right thing :)

I didn't do it right I know that now :( Didn't have anywhere to go, had not spoke to him at all about it just kept my feelings hidden. If I could do it over I would have sat him down and said I'm thinking of leaving and this is the reason why and then not told the kids until we had something sorted.....but hindsights a wonderful thing!

Its just a house, a building not the reason for staying :)

I would look into rental (very difficult at the minute they way things are). I would try and wait to tell him until you are nearer to getting somewhere you can go because living together separately will be hell and not nice for the kids.

How do you think the kids would take it?

[babynewt]

Hi all, I'm in. Just posted another thread, (I'm ill, but he's so much worse) went to a solicitor latter end of last year, for free half hour (though she must have given me an hour) weird that it felt like therapy, a real step forward, think it's putting all the emotional stuff to one side, and getting clarity around your position.

The emotional side is so much harder. Have tried to have "the talk" in that using a non-blame tactic, "we want different things" I don't hate him but am completely worn with being the adult all the time in the relationship. Especially when I'm in need of support, as worried about my health.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

Welcome @babynewt you'll find a few of us here at different stages of the process
I recognise the feeling of needing to be the adult all the time
It's exhausting

@Diabetes123 hoping I can plan and do it as quickly and smoothly as possible
The kids I know will be distraught initially
But I know they will be fine cos I will make sure they are and we have a great family support around us xx

[justkeepmovingon]

Hello can I join in..

I'm 18 years married 2 DS and been dithering for 5 years. I keep thinking it's hormones that make me dislike him so much, but it's got to the point now where I don't even like him in the same room as me. His voice, his facial expressions, his smell just everything about him makes my skin crawl.

We live like flatmates, I stopped sex 4 years ago, I made him go to a spare room I don't wear my wedding ring, I'm literally waiting for him to say fuck this and make the move but he's so bloody passive. I've not said I love you for years, there is no affection no caring just empty marriage that's a total waste of our time.

My main issue is the house and living arrangements? That's what stops me. I can't afford this house on my own, neither of us can buy each other out and I tried selling 2 years ago and it wouldn't go. So if we did have to sell we'd have to dump the price to get out, but my boys adore the space and what this house gives them, it's the one thing that has me trapped.

My DS even talk about how utterly miserable and passive their dad is, they don't respect him or look up to him, he's no father figure to them and I feel I need to get them away and spend time with my DS alone away from the fun sucker DH.

[Deran76]

Good morning 😊
You are not alone here. I've been trapped by my surroundings for the past 13 years. I tried to go 6 years ago when DD was younger , spent all my student loan money on renting a place I never moved into because once I'd told him I got tears, promises and guilt. Are you really happy where you are? I used to think I loved this house and knew my DD does too but I know that happiness doesn't lie here anymore, if indeed it ever did. Every day is spent regretting not escaping years ago.
Xx

[justkeepmovingon]

@Deran76 morning x

I don't adore the house at all I'd happily walk away but if I left my DH in it I'd have nothing to buy myself anything else, I'm trapped in the house and my boys do love this place.

I've looked at me moving out and trying to keep the main family home for my DH and boys but I can't get the numbers to work.

I feel nothing's about bickering Over who owns what? As I earn and have the capacity to earn more so I'm in a good position to leave.

If I move out and I rent I won't be able to take my animals, and I can't face the thought of leaving them with my DH.

I've started emailing rentals asking about animals but they all say no? So I have no choice right now but to stay?

If we have to sell up I know I'll be hated by the whole family for selling their amazing home.

[Deran76]

I completely understand. My first worry was my animals but I've been extremely lucky and explained my situation to the estate agent and I'm allowed. I've only said I've one dog mind you...I've got 2 and 4 cats but.... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. My main focus is getting out and getting happy again.
Do you think the family will understand in time that what you want is for the best? X