Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Diabetes123 how old is your child?
Teenagers do really think the world revolves around them! They will be ok with this as they will absolutely realise your relationship was not right for you and appreciate you did the right thing
I will tell him
I have told him twice before and he has managed to reel me back in with promise of change and things getting better
He never proactively does it though!!!
My time is coming I feel it xx

takethegirloutofscotland

She is 16 my eldest is 19. She is a little madam, very stubborn and dare I say it very spoiled and a daddy's girl! And yes the world has always revolved around her.

Me and my eldest daughter are talking everyday twice a day and she is very supportive even though she says she is struggling but understands. We are going out for a walk again on Saturday. She say she will try and talk to my youngest again. She feels she will come round she just needs time :(

So very difficult.

Be strong you can do this for yourself :) We are here for virtual handholding.

@Diabetes123 16 and the world is all revolving around you!!
She will come round just let her come to it in her own time
My kids are younger 10 and 12 no idea how they will take the separation but whilst he is a fun and caring dad he is a lazy one! They are mostly home with him at the moment as I mon-fri in nhs he works shifts
My kids haven't been outside for weeks at a time when he is home They do nothing together
He lets them play computers and watch YouTube all day every day and even my dog goes for days without walks when he is home!!
I will tell him but I feel like I need to be in a position to tell him then do something about it!! Otherwise he will draw me back in
I'm in Scotland so allowed to see my mum next week I'm going to tell her and make it feel more real and get myself prepared for my future!! X

I'm finding it amazing how almost everyone's story has elements of being similar to my own. The fallout from potentially leaving is partly what stops me, I feel worn down from years of this and not sure I have the strength. Today has been a 'good' day which, as others have said, reels you back in, as you think things might be ok, but I think I know things will never really change. He has also said he will not leave the house, as being the bigger earner, 'he pays for it' so I do feel stuck. There will be a way for me to plan to get out, I just can't figure it out quite yet.

takethegirloutofscotland

I have everything crossed for you. Is it easier when the kids are younger I honestly don't know what age is a good age probably none!

I knew it was never gonna be easy but the mixture of emotions has got me in a spin. Worrying about how my husbands coping, worrying about how my kids are coping :(

I work in the NHS too :) so right in the thick of this horrible situation but its a good distraction as I'm at work all day and coming home very tired.

You sound like you are doing all of the right things, unlike me I didn't have anywhere to go or anything I was just lucky my friend had a property that was vacant :) God certainly moves in mysterious ways and I totally believe in fate!

Your husband sounds like a good dad but maybe just became a bit complacent only you know :)

@Diabetes123 I don't know if any age is easier
He is a good dad but a crap husband
I don't want to leave my house but think he won't leave so have to think what are my next steps
I have no emotional attachment to the house i Am in now so happy to sell up eventually just want to keep kids settled and I think I could afford it on my own
Had a really rotten few months at work but yes it's distracted me too and kept my brain busy
Xxx

Reading what all of you are writing is honestly what's keeping me going at the moment. I can't believe how similar it is for all of us.

I messaged dh last night saying I wanted a trial separation. Never actually said that yet so he totally panicked. Floods of tears, different ways of begging me to stay. It all continued today. He was in tears all day. He's saying he'll do anything. He's taking responsibility for everything, says he feels sick when he thinks about what he's put me through. Says it's totally just him that's got the problem, says he'll go to therapy for himself and we could go together too. He's saying he can't even think about what divorce would do to the kids. That it would break their hearts and mess them up beyond anything. Saying he refuses to do that to them.

You won't believe it.. I was so determined that this time I was going to do it. And as the day went on I started believing him. Thought I can't do it to the kids, I want to stay, I'll love him again, we'll work it out, he's already massively changed so he's shown he can. I should give him a chance.

Then a friend messaged me and begged me to think hard before promising him I'd stay. I went through my messages to her from the past six months. The six months when he'd supposedly been a changed man. I made a word document... Multiple arguments every month, me constantly talking about how much I dislike me. Him pushing daughter, yelling at daughter loads of times, calling her a brat, a pain in the arse. Saying it's justified to call her that because she's a difficult child. Telling me of when I'm hour late coming home (NHS here too girls), telling me to come straight home from work, taking cake away from the table to stop anyone having a second piece because it's greedy, telling me I'd better wash up before he gets down, is better tidy up the next day, shouting, snapping, calling me selfish and irresponsible. Telling me kids were going to have an eating disorder because there were always chocolate wrappers in my bag (my only comfort). The list is endless. And sobering. But I still feel like it's not bad enough. He tells me it's all normal family life. that all couples argue and we don't even that much. That we have happy family life and I'm just too sensitive. That the only problem is my depression. And I always believe him. Please someone tell me the above is not normal family life. I've never had the courage to get this far. I need to keep going and tell myself I can do this. I deserve to be happy. The kids will not be damaged. It will all be fine once I'm out.

This is not normal family life!
I've lost count of the times I've said "I just want a normal life"
I'm not naïve, I know relationships aren't always perfect. I expected there to be disagreements and differences of opinion. I didn't expect to be called an inconsiderate c*#t for not remembering if he had taken his tablets, selfish for not making his sandwiches up the night before for work, lazy because I'd not made dinner after we had both been at work all day. Fat because I over eat the cakes and chocolate he buys when he feels guilty about drinking. It's not normal to feel like I'm the one causing it all because I was "depressed before we met" so can't blame him for still being on antidepressants. it's not his fault I'm "mental" after all.....

You CAN keep going. You CAN do this and you WILL be happy again. You're not as alone xx

You are all such brave and strong women to be at the point to leave/ have left and made yourselves happy once again

Been with DP for 9 years,3 young DC 1 a baby and 1 is disabled. I no longer work due to being a now full time Carer so I have NO source of income. No friends and no where else to go/ turn to
The mortgage is solely in his name so I have no home
So I basically am stuck to his every command....

How the fuck can I leave this guy???

I can relate. Physically and mentally I feel drained. I’m married but it’s like living with a room mate who doesn’t like you.

It is often quoted on the Relationship Boards that you - we- are allowed to walk away from relationships that are not making us happy.

Full Stop✋

I’ve spent several years in counselling trying to work out if it’s me or him, but it’s probably a bit of both. The bottom line is that neither of us is happy. Although he would disagree... because he does with anything I say!

I do think we as women (and I’m assuming we all are?) we have to over analyse before we can justify our actions.

I have very low self esteem although you wouldn’t know in day to day stuff. And I keep having to drag my self respect off the floor, and tell myself ‘ I am worthy of more than this’.

And I think those of us having a wibble, need to think about what we are ‘Worth’, and what kind of message we are sending to our children.
I’m absolutely terrified that my DC will pick up on Hs traits and continue them through their lives.

Bye bye. I agree. I feel like I am responsible for absolutely everything.

I read something really interesting that controlling men will often chose kind and empathetic partners and then manipulate that.

You would never know what I am going through by looking at my life as I hold down a very senior role but inside I am a mess and totally feel never slim enough, pretty enough, together enough or woman enough....I am almost ashamed writing that....

One of the mums from one of my sons sports groups got a bit pissed on a night out with me and told me she looked at me and I had it all together with the job the kids etc the home and I was truly puzzled like you are not talking about me! I doubt myself so much and I never used to!

Thank you @Deran76 for reiterating what I really seem to need to hear all over again and again. I think because he's not violent and doesn't call me names (he'd never use the c word etc) I think it can't be that bad and I'm just exaggerating it. But it feels really bad!!! And I suppose that's what matters. Your hubby's behaviour sounds despicable. It's just not forgivable to speak to anyone like that. And my hubby says that too.. that I can't blame my depression on him because I was depressed before I met him!! But like you say.. at least we're not alone.

This group is a lifesaver. Thank you everyone!!!

@thatsmycake that sounds like a really tough situation to be in. Are you married? I think in a divorce in your kind of situation you'd still get half of the money and half of the house even if your name is not on the mortgage? There is free legal advice for women. I think I saw something through women's aid. You could try giving them a ring and talking to someone about your situation?

@369thegoosedrankwine that sounds awful. I don't know how you feel about it but I feel like it's so much easier to see other people's situations in a clearer way. I can say that your husband sounds very abusive and like you should definitely leave. But when it comes to my own situation it's so much harder to see clearly. But throwing something at you and all ths blaming. It must be really tough for you. I really hope you manage to break free. You deserve better!

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie 👏 you're totally spot on with everything you wrote here. I also really identify with the low self esteem.

I'm in a can do mode again today. Will show the word document of the abusive behaviour from past six months to hubby tomorrow and will tell him we can go to counseling if he'd like but only to make the separation and our communication as parents better. The trying is over for me. The way he has treated me and DD is unforgivable. If he felt so bad about it he would have looked for help years ago or called somewhere already this week.

Good morning Everyone
@myotherface your experience of his emotional response is exactly what I got the last time I tried to have the conversation about separation.he cried, promised so much a new start being more proactive and understanding the lack of intimacy and the effect that had on my self esteem.
The guilt he laid on me about what effect it would have on the kids and that we hadn't really tried enough broke me
We were in the process of buying our house and I went back on my words and said we would try again
Things haven't really changed in the last two years and I find myself back here again!
Back in the turmoil of finding the courage to do it!
Do you think he can change the way you feel?

@369thegoosedrankwine I hear you when you say people think you have it all together me too!
From the outside nice house, cars, holidays , financial stability and gorgeous kids
Why would I want to give this up is this not enough
But no it's not Really and that's ok
We do deserve to be happy and have love in our lives xx

@thatsmycake I am so sorry you feel so stuck
You could look at what you would be entitled too in benefits and housing you may find you are better off than you think it's at least a start and will give you an idea of what you can do

I'm actually feeling a little all over the place today back in the swinging between I've got to do this and just ride it out a bit longer it sucks!!!

This group is giving me clarity. I have only told one other person in real life. I live 100s miles from my family so don't want to worry them.

The minimisation of his behaviour and the arrogance is unbelievable.

He is abusive I know he is, I think I've always known but it's definitely got worse lately. I made a list on my phone in bed this morning of all the things he criticises me for if not daily then weekly. It is embarrassing to read.

I'm not even prepared to get into a who did what with him as I think that has gone too far now. I don't care what he has to say I just want him out even though I know it will be painful.

@myotherface – Showing your H the evidence in the word doc is pointless. The only person who needs to see that will be the divorce lawyer. Remember that there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person, and the only person he wants to serve is himself.

Counselling is not recommended at all for abusive relationships. The abuser will always find a way to manipulate and shift the blame.

The begging you to stay is all part of the pattern. They don’t want things to change, because it is all working out just fine for them. They will promise the earth, but a leopard cannot change its spots.

“I won’t do that to our children,” is a common mantra. Again, shifting blame to you for “breaking up our family”. Sometimes it can escalate to suicide threats, in which case the only response is to call 999, ask for the police, and let them deal with it.

May I join you please? Xx

Of course welcome scaredspace....it has taken me weeks to join a thread as I've always been hesitant as that means I'm finally admitting what is happening! This one has completely resonated with me.

@Sicario and @myotherface - Sicario is right - just don't bother with the print outs. It adds fuel to a fire that is already burning, and I think will long term not serve you well.

The SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer) is the one to see it.

By the way, does anyone have a SHL lined up? Any good? Please PM me if you have...

Ha! I'm also very good at "Talking the Talk.... I need to Walk the Walk" too

The trouble with SHLs (shit hot lawyers) is that they're eye-wateringly expensive.

It is a HUGE mistake to confuse lawyer with therapist. It doesn't matter a shit about the who, what, why and when. Every minute costs money.

Keep the instructions simple:
(1) I want a divorce on the grounds of his behaviour.
(2) Hand over Word doc as described by @myotherface
(3) Lawyer fills in petition and submits to court.
(4) Go and have a massive G&T and try to breathe.

Do not engage in anything else. Just submit the petition and let the divorce do its thing. Yes, a few forms and statements, but absolutely no point in "he did this, he did that" because nobody gives a shit.

You have to put on your Ripley space suit and imagine it's the alien you need to blast out into space.

Am I being totally deluded thinking when he realises it's definitely over he will actually work with me. He hates nothing as much as things costing money. So I'm hoping that by explaining how much cheaper a diy divorce would be he'll work with me. I do still believe he's a good man really but just very messed up. And I do believe he actually loves me madly like he says. And that he'll want me and the kids to be happy. He's admitted that he has problems with wanting to be in control of everything and also with how he expresses anger. So although that doesn't excuse his behaviour it would explain it. I feel like I can understand he's behaviour but I cannot forgive it and I definitely don't love him or want to continue my life with him.

I'm constantly looking at rentals on Rightmove. I want to stay in the nearby villages so that the kids can stay in their current school. I don't want to rush moving as I want to move somewhere decent. I'm hoping DH will want to avoid the topic for a bit as he finds it too upsetting. But somehow I feel like he won't. And if he brings it up again I'm going to have to tell him it's definitely over. And then it'll be hell with him moping around crying all the time. Which will mean I'll want to get out faster and potentially accept a dump.

A weird small detail thing about this. I've wanted a dog all my life. DH hates dogs. Kids have been begging for a dog as long as they've been able to talk. Any one of you dog owners that could give me an opinion?

Part of my post separation dream is sitting on the sofa in my new house and cuddling my dog. All the kids come into our bed every night. They always have. when I'll be on my own it'll be a problem as all of them won't have a grown up to sleep next to. So I wondered whether I could buy a dog (not a puppy) straight away or even a little bit before moving and one of the kids could sleep on a mattress next to the dog. I know they'd love that. I know it probably sounds like a stupid idea. I just have such anxieties about having all three on my own in the night and all of them crying and screaming because they're in a new house and want to sleep next to me.

Hi all

Thatsmycake Sounds like youre in a very tough situation. Do you have any family you could turn to?

So difficult to reply to you all if I could I would but so many posts about abusive men and whether its reason to leave. Of course it is :( it is not acceptable to be abused emotionally, physically, financially you name it not acceptable at all.

Advice: start making plans, can you squirrel money away without him realising? Can you turn to family/friends. Any support is better than none.

Most of all be strong, be true to yourself and what you deserve, as hard and difficult it is its got to be better than living with that feeling of total pretence/denial.