Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

@marypoppinsreturns everything you write is the same as what I've been dealing with and how I've been feeling.
The thing is, if you end it or not he will still treat you like shit and be an arse, so you might as well end it and start getting used to not being with him.
I had a twenty minute long argument with my ex and recorded it. I told him there is no going back, we are over. Now he's being nice (we're stuck in the house because he won't leave) trying to prove what I'm missing out on. It's too late, I've shut off now.
I don't cook for him, I don't wash his clothes and moved all his clothes into the spare room and put his food into a spare fridge. I've made a UC claim too.
He says it's all a bit silly and unnecessary, he doesn't want to accept it.
If you try and end it, record the conversation. And listen to how he reacts.
He will cry and panic, he will get angry, he will beg then he will be nasty and then he'll be nice. It's a cycle that you need to familiarise yourself with so you don't fall for the nice part.
You can't live the rest of your days feeling like this.
Ring those helplines.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

@marypoppinsreturns oh and you're not going to lose your child. He may get access but his parenting doesn't automatically trump yours.
This is what I'm trying to get through to my ex's thick head.
He thinks he can just take ds, quit his job and live with his mum and dad.

[marypoppinsreturns]

@Fuckmyliferightnow thank you for replying again.
He was awful to me all night, slagging off my family and friends amongst everything else saying he was going to drink all day today until he didn't wake up as no one cares. This week he's also said he will wrap his car round a lamppost. I don't imagine for a second he would, he has family who need him (I don't mean me). We have no spare room unfortunately so moving in there isn't an option.

I ended up getting up really early though hadn't to gone to bed till late. He's sleeping now and I've got house organised and about to take us out for most of the day. In an area of extra restrictions though so can't even go in anyone's house apart from my mum who is in my bubble. I'm taking on board everything you've said and I know exactly what I'd tell someone else in this position, I just think he could make my life very difficult indeed, at work too.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

@marypoppinsreturns getting out is a good idea! It's a nice day at least.

Could you not call his bluff on the suicide talk? Tell him you're concerned about the way he's talking and that you'll have to ring someone ie GP or tell os family or non emergency services (police).
He'll soon decide if he's alright or not. If that doesn't wok, actually log your concerns with one of the above. That should shit him up, then he can't say that no one care, can he?

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

Shut him up, obviously not shit him up although that could also be a good outcome

[marypoppinsreturns]

@Fuckmyliferightnow we've had to come to mum's tonight. Things were so awful. He said if I leave tonight I've not to go back tomorrow. I'll need to for school uniform and my work laptop etc. Stupid to go without any advice yet but he was calling me names and shouting in front of my child and I had to get out of there . He keeps sending horrible texts now. God knows what tomorrow will bring. Hope things are going ok with you tonight.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

@marypoppinsreturns well done for getting out.
Phone your local council or Women's Aid. Keep all the msgs.
Can you leave the kids with your mum and go back with someone to get your things.
Or call the non emergency police to see if someone can go. You have every right to be there so he'll have to let you in.
Get as much as you can and then stay away.

[Kittensgalore]

@marypoppinsreturns so glad you went to your mums. Like @Fuckmyliferightnow says get someone else to go round with you or for you. I definitely think if you haven't called non emergency police you should. It could make a difference down the line. You have had to leave because of verbal/emotional abuse of you and the kids and presumably threat of physical abuse. That needs recorded.'you have nothing to worry about in terms of recording it as you have done the right thing in terms of keeping you and your child safe. How are you all doing just now?

[marypoppinsreturns]

@Kittensgalore @Fuckmyliferightnow thank you both for your concern. We are ok, we had to come back though as my mum only has a tiny one bedroom flat, and i am as entitled to be here as he is and my child certainly is, and i stay with them. I needed that space away even though he ranted and raved about me taking his child away. It was one night at dc's gran's for goodness sake. I'm not worried about physical abuse tho I think it would be def classed as verbal/emotional. he's stayed upstairs all afternoon then he just went to bed. There's no way he could possibly look after dc by himself. And has no clue about school stuff and some of the activities. So I'm now less concerned he'd try that.

We went out to park and just got on with our normal routine. I have a day off midweek so will get out of house to make a few calls. Don't really know the answer if he won't leave and i don't see why my child should have to. Will make sure I'm working in a different room tomorrow and try and stay out the way.

Thank you both again for your advice and looking out for me. It's really helped.
Hopefully I can update something more positive midweek. Hope you're both doing ok tonight.

[Kittensgalore]

@marypoppinsreturns hope the last few days have been calmer for you. And yes you are absolutely as entitled as he is to be there.

[helpmegetoutofthispickle]

Great thread. I'm trying to leave my emotionally abusive and controlling partner. I moved out 18 months ago, but still haven't managed to leave him completely. I know he's abusive, I don't even like him, but I just can't seem to go no contact. I get so anxious he will do something stupid and I also am so scared to be on my own. The trauma bond is strong

[loveyourself2020]

@myotherface

How are you doing? Did you do it? What is going on? I just told my DH I want to separate and it is really hard.