Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Deran76 I actually think my DS will thank me, they aren't happy like they should be there isn't any fun any giggles in the house it's all a bit dull and serious.

I'm the fun one but he's gradually sucked that out of me for sure.

Ha ha I do have two of my dogs that are the same breed so I was going to just say it's the same dog!! 🤣

I may keep trying, and see what I can get, lockdown has just made me realise how much time I spend actively getting away from him which has made me sad as it means I by default have been getting away from my DS as well and I need to resolve that ASAP.

@Deran76 so sorry I meant to ask are you out? Did you make the move?

I waited until the point at which I felt I would rather live in a homeless shelter with my kids than face another year of my marriage. That moment when you don't care anymore, because anything has got to be better than this.

I had to re-home the animals. It felt heartbreaking at the time, but I realised that I had to "get real" and be totally honest and brutal about the reality of making a new future. I got rid of everything that I could live without, and sold virtually all my possessions in order to lighten the load and have as much cash as possible to make the move.

Big changes require big decisions, and I realised with hindsight that I had been over-complicating everything by worrying about things that ultimately were not important.

Good afternoon ladies
@Sicario your last line makes so much sense
I am totally complicating everything
Need to get back to thinking one step at a time

Evening ladies

I'm feeling pretty shit again today. I miss my kids, I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm sad...….all over the place.

He sent me some flowers today saying how much he missed and me and how much he loves me......broke my heart :(

@Diabetes123 sending hugs to you
I can only imagine how you feel
Try and remember all the reasons you did this
It wasn't a flash in the pan decision.
This lockdown makes everything even harder
Can you speak to anyone who knows your reasons for leaving who could help remind you of why you are where you are?
Are you back to work tomorrow? Xx

Thank you takethegirloutofscotland

I'm really trying to stay strong but its just sooo hard.

Yeah I've seen a couple of friends today and talked to them about it but its so hard to explain as he's not done anything acutely wrong and part of me thinks that I miss him or do I just miss the companionship or am I grieving for my old life :(

No I'm back at work on Tuesday starting 11 days straight :(

I'm trying to keep myself busy but I'm so tired, I'm not sleeping well at all :(

All the emotions I just don't know where my heads at :(

How's your day been?

@Diabetes123
It's only normal to miss him, feel sad and reflect on your decision But please do try and remember the reasons
I've had a bit of a meh weekend wish I could just be brave and do this but at the same time flipping back to doubting myself as my life isn't dreadful
It does however lack passion, spark and I can't do it for another 20/30 years
My kids been little buggers all weekend too fighting with each other which always causes me and him to argue as he is ridiculous in how he deals with things
I work Monday-Friday and apart from odd day wfh my husband has been home with kids
They have done very little school work which doesn't bother me too much but they also have not been out the house for weeks at a time!
He doesn't take them out even for dog walks just leaves them to play screens all day!
My 12 yo ds today was being daft not awful and husband starts shouting he is not having Xbox all week
We fell out he would never ban him from it when he is home but thinks he can when it's me!
Sorry for rant!! 🙄🙄

Thank you takethegirloutofscotland

I feel broken today not sure why just having a bad day I think :(

Sounds like you're having a rough weekend its not easy in this whole lockdown situation to keep them entertained. Mmmmm…...xbox ban sounds a bit harsh to be honest. Well you could always let him play on it when hes at work :)

Don't apologise its hard work this parenting malarkey :(

Tomorrows another day. Could you take them out for walk with the dog or something?

@Diabetes123
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you
Be kind to yourself x

He would never ban him from the Xbox when he was home that's why it's so daft!
He has been sooo lazy with the kids throughout lockdown it's just not fair! Kids only get out if I take them

We have plans for the week to repot some plants
Will absolutely get out for a walk/run tomorrow and just be able to be in the house in peace for a few hours every day xx

I hope so too :) I think I would feel better if I could get a good nights sleep alas anxiety is my new best friend :(

Has he always been lazy with the kids? I think the weather is supposed to be really good this week so at least you could be outside in the garden etc :)

Yes he has always been lazy with them even when they were smaller
They don't need much really a ride out on bikes or football but need encouragement to do it and he can't be bothered making them get up and go out
We live right by a beautiful big park with lots of green space and great walks and honestly they have prob been out for a walk 5 times with him in the last 9 weeks

You tried anything to help you sleep? I struggle with sleep too and a friend has recommended a couple of sleep apps xx

Poor kids :( I know lots of dads like that :(

I have tried sleep apps before but the anxiety is so strong they don't help :(

I think wine is the way forward :)

It drives me mad as they are not hard to entertain
And wouldn't be so bad if he actually spent time with them in the house but they are upstairs on screens and he is downstairs watching what he wants or playing PlayStation

I'm sure we will have a couple lazy days but looking forward to being with the kids this week and getting them out and about

Not sleeping really is awful and I often find wine is the answer too not sure it's a good long term plan as I do get to sleep but don't sleep very well when I've had a few glasses
Feeling anxious is so horrible I have real bouts of anxiety too and it feels so real xx
Enjoy your wine I'm away to pour one!

It would drive me mad too :( I feel for you.

Kids and their screens :(

To be honest I've always suffered with anxiety but its obviously got a lot worse of late. Wine is my long term plan......for now! Lol :)

You do the right thing being out in the fresh air is the best medicine :)

Do you think the kids are aware?

I think they know there dad is a bit of a grump and is lazy they comment on it regularly
Not sure if they picked anything up between us we don't really fight or row much but there is no obvious love between us which I wonder if they notice

I can imagine your anxiety will be really high now guessing you have tried rescue remedy etc
I hope it starts to get easier for you soon x

Mmm…kids are quite intuitive aren't they?

The trouble with kids is they spend the majority of their time locked in their bedrooms hooked on social media/xbox etc so really don't live in the real world half of the time :(

It sounds like you're really try to keep everything normal for them but I know how hard that is you must be exhausted :(

Yeah I've tried nearly everything I've kind of just accepted that it is what it is at the minute and like I was saying to my friend today I cant get any lower as the hardest words have been spoken :(

Its early days I know :( Kind of wish I was back at work tomorrow it keeps my mind occupied :)

Not yet. Have dreadful awful wavering moments but I'm determined most of the time. His drinking has calmed down a lot this last week but I think that's because he knows something is afoot. He keeps asking if I'm okay and if we are okay :(

Hi all, can I join?
I have decided to leave my husband of 8 years, 3 young dc.
All of your posts sound so familiar. I’ve been telling myself for years that I’m not in an abusive marriage because he is not like it all of the time. I read something on MN the other day along the lines of ‘even an abuser would get tired of being abusive everyday’, and it has really struck me.
Husband has a horrendous attitude towards finances and raked up thousands of debts that he has hidden and lied about over the years.
Not long ago he lost it and started shouting and screaming at me in the car whilst are children were in the back, causing them to become upset and distressed begging him to stop shouting at me. It wasn’t the first time he had shouted at me, but the first time it had been to that extent to the point I actually felt scared, that has been the turning point for me.
I’ve been saving some money from my wages each month to leave but since coronavirus I’m not even sure if it’s possible anytime soon.
I just feel trapped.

I too experienced terrible grief about the ending of my marriage. I felt heartbroken even though it was my decision. I think it was all to do with letting go of a future that I imagined I would have.

I took the kids on a short holiday to get away from everything, and found myself looking at happy families, couples with kids, and thinking: why couldn’t I have had that? Why couldn’t he just have been a reasonable person? I would have settled for that. But he wasn’t.

It was like letting go of something that I hoped would exist, but didn’t. The grief came from facing up to reality.

I found Kalms helpful, and Rescue Remedy.

The peacefulness once I had got him out of the house was instant. I ha been walking on eggshells for years.

Good morning
How is everyone feeling today?
Im stuck back in the feeling I can't leave today
I keep thinking I'm going to change my kids lives so much for me and how much my h will be hurt
He doesn't have any family close by and few friends
Why do we feel so responsible for this stuff!!
It infuriates me that my brain does this as I know I'm not responsible for his life and happiness but can't stop myself from feeling the guilt of the hurt I will cause

Sicario I can relate to that the guilt and heartbreak I feel is unbearable at the minute even though it was my decision :( Just want to feel normal :)

4inthemorning this sounds like an awful way to live to be honest you must be walking on eggshells a lot of the time. You do not deserve to be spoken/treated like that. You are doing the right thing :)

takethegirloutofscotland Good morning :) Its horrible that feeling isn't it of back and forth but it sounds like you are afraid of the hurt you are going to cause which is EXACTLY how I was. But.....you cant shoulder his emotions as well as your own. Yes its going to cause hurt it always will but as human beings we are quite resilient and as much as it hurts people recover it happens everyday :) You need to think of your own happiness (easier said then done when your a mother believe me I know) and as you know my youngest will not speak to me at all but....I try to keep telling myself that I have done nothing wrong apart from trying to make myself happy :(

I'm exhausted today and I've got loads to do going to get myself some kalms or something to help me sleep today need sleep :(

@takethegirloutofscotland – I asked my (now adult) children about this recently. Their view of the marriage breakdown was that they were so glad that I made the decision. They had (and retain) memories of the tension and awfulness. It’s so hard on us mothers when we are trying to do the best for our kids but we just can’t go on any more, sacrificing ourselves for their sake. Having a happy mum is SO important. Turning the music up a and disco dancing in the kitchen with tiny tots while a cake bakes in the oven. I was flat broke, but we were happy at last.

@Diabetes123 – hang on in there. It’s tough, I know. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

@Sicario I am sure they feel the tension too and I really want to show them a healthy relationship growing up
The house feels so much more relaxed when it is just us and I know they will always be fine cos I'll make sure
I'm worried that when I spoke to him about separating before he was really angry about the kids said I'd have to tell them and tell them why we were separating
Also said he would have to move away from us as couldn't bare to see me move on

Did you leave the family home Or did your husband?

@Diabetes123 hope you e managed a peaceful day and get some sleep tonight before going back to work x

takethegirloutofscotland

I've had a long chat with a friend today and I've decided to go through marriage counselling :) I feel relieved that I've made a decision but also anxious about what's to come. I'm going to give relate a call tomorrow to try and get us an appointment (not sure we will get one in the current climate) but I will try.

Thanks sicario you sound like you're in a much better place and good for you. I'm about to message my husband and let him know that I'll go to counselling wish me luck :)