Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

[Sheddingskins]

I can empathise with so much of what has been said. The tantrums, the control, not wanting a physical relationship anymore. Thinking that it was ok to be in a dead marriage, then realising that I was suffocating. The worry and doubt. Full blown anxiety. It still washes over me six months on. I had six months of counseling, first time ever. It was the breakthrough I needed.
But I know the next year will be even tougher as he is in total denial. I'm just 'having a funny stage' apparently...
I need to be honest with him. And I will be soon.
But I do know now that I am not responsible for his choices and behaviour....he is an adult over 50. I can only do what I must, and try to protect the kids as far as possible. Sending virtual hugs to all those seeking a way out x

[Deran76]

Gently waving from the corner can I join?
Thank you so very much for this thread. I've read your posts in tears. I had no idea I wasn't quite so alone in facing all of this.
Currently in a 14 year relationship (13 and a half unhappy years, at least the last 10 with no intimacy, could be more, I stopped counting ) moved myself and my DC 200 odd miles away from family and friends to end up living my life with a functioning alcoholic. There's no physical abuse but the mental and emotional abuse has taken its toll on my mental health. Outwardly yep, a good man, gregarious funny very loving. Behind closed doors... different story.

Once the drink gets a grip he is a different person and I'm all the effing bees and cees in the world. Belittled, ridiculed, gaslighted until I doubted every decision I made. Doubted my own sanity.


Then the calm comes, and the 'I'm sorries' flow. The puppy dog eyes and the promises that he will try to be nicer and kinder and not drink quite as much. As long as I try too. Try to be thinner, try to not be as depressed and as anxious and as stupid. Try to see it's not his fault. And he tries to rinse every bit of sympathy left in my body until I am convinced that this time it won't be so bad. This time will be better. Then he goes to the shop and buys some beer and some chocolate for me, as a treat because he just wants to do something nice for me. Isn't he always doing something nice? "Why don't you appreciate the nice things I do for you"? By the third can he has trouble standing and talking and by the fourth I'm in tears again. Blaming myself. Again. And so the cycle of misery continues. Because what I allow will continue.


But..now...I've told him it's over ("just a threat..no one tells me what to do" says he)
and fate intervenes, a house comes up for rent and this time, THIS time I find my last ounce of courage supported by my wonderful family. But I'm scared, I'm terrified. I'm sad and angry and bitter. I've read on a pp that I do have the right to walk away. I do have the right to happiness.
So why do I feel so anxious about it?
Sorry for lots of rambling but I just had to get it all out. Thank you again.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@Deran76 you absolutely do deserve to be happy And well done for having the courage to get out!
Keep your friends close and accept their support

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

Can I sign up too?

24 yrs married. Known each other for 31. One DC who is almost an adult.

Done 2 years therapy on my own, about 6 months of disastrous joint counselling at Relate which saw me onto ADs and sleeping tablets.

Got most of the relevant paperwork.

DC has seen the situation and I think will understand.

I have my family and friends right behind me. I saw a rental that will satisfy my needs yesterday. I need to act quickly and decisively.

H will absolutely hit the roof. I can’t work out if he’ll be violent or not. He’s usually away so much I was going to move out with my stuff and leave a note, but with us all being home, that’s going to be impossible.

@Diabetes123 - how did you work through the logistics if you don’t mind me asking?

[Diabetes123]

Byebyemissamericanpie

I'm fortunate that he has been very supportive in helping me to move out. The house I am living in has been kindly offered to me by a friend so living rent free at present which I am so grateful for. We have a joint account at the minute and I am struggling to get a sole account with lockdown but basically we agreed that I would just use the account at the minute as I need to and then sort sole one when I can.

There's absolutely no animosity between us and we are still remaining the best of friends at the minute so the logistics have not been too bad to be honest. I didn't take anything out of the house as most of it was fitted so just been sourcing things off online second hand site etc and I'm getting there.

I think the thing that's killing me at the minute is the guilt of the hurt I've caused for my DD's and how much my husband is hurting its totally unbearable.

But I know I've done the right thing and things will get better I just have to be strong.

It is devastating to hear that there is so many of us struggling with this but hopefully having this thread helps a little.

[R3ALLY]

Sending love to you all. It’s all incredibly hard at the moment. Everyone crammed in together ... emotion heightened ... the world is a scary place. Maybe it will be a catalyst for change too ? X

[marypoppinsreturns]

@Deran76 much of what you have written sounds quite similar to me. Lockdown has also made things a lot harder, hardly any time or space on my own to think things through, let alone do anything about it.

[Sicario]

It took me 2 years to make the decision to end my marriage. Fear, guilt, small children involved, worrying that I couldn't manage on my own. Looking back now I should never have doubted myself, or doubted my instinct.

Ending my marriage was the best thing I ever did. The best gift I ever gave myself and my children.

Do take a look at this short video from The Freedom Programme about living with a domineering man.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/rules-of-the-game.php

There are lots of resources out there that can help you identify what's going on. Things can get pretty nasty when they realise you're serious about divorce. Don't let a man bully you into sacrificing your one and only life.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I've given up on the idea of happiness and breaking free. He has such a tight grip on me, (emotionally).
I feel so sad about it.

[Diabetes123]

Fuckmyliferightnow :(

Feel free to rant hunny this is the place to do it.

Talk to us it might make you feel better.

You deserve to be happy :)

[takethegirloutofscotland]

@Fuckmyliferightnow you so deserve to be happy
Please don't give up on that!
@Sicario well done I am about 2 years in to thinking and feeling that my marriage isn't right and that I wanted to separate I know deep down I shouldn't doubt myself but the fear at times is paralysing. I'm feeling my time is getting closer though

[myotherface]

@Deran76 I really identify with so much of what you've written. Just minus the alcohol. And my DH has really made massive changes in the past six months.

DH just doesn't seem to understand that the past emotional abuse did so much damage that it's not fixable for me anymore. He thinks we should still try because he loves me and he thinks it's better for the kids too. I told him today. He kept sending me texts saying he feels like his life is slipping away from him and begging me to love him and stay. Then he said this is too painful and raw and that he doesn't want to talk to me about it but just wants us to start counselling. A bit ironic since I suggested counselling for years and he refused. I told him it's too late and said I'd like to trial a separation. All this was said in texts which I do regret. But not sure what else I could have done when he's refusing to talk. Now he's still avoiding me and saying he doesn't want to talk.. also using my weakest point saying how can I do this when this is not just about me.. that my decision will totally mess the kids up and break their hearts. I have to say that did make me hesitate. But how could I stay with him just so the kids won't be hurt by divorce?!! And they would continue witnessing endless arguments and a depressed mum. Surely that's no better.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie well done for getting that far.. I really hope you get the flat. It makes me feel so hopeful when someone else manages to start acting on things.

@Sicario thank you so much for saying it was the best thing you did for your children. This is my main anxiety at the moment!!

@Fuckmyliferightnow what makes the grip so tight? I totally know what it's like. It's taken me so many years to even recognise that my distress about all of it was just.my body trying to tell me to get out. It is such an unbelievable head f*!!! Makes you doubt yourself when intuition is probably always right in this kind of things. I've known for years we are bad for each other and that he is so wrong for me on so many different levels.

I'm trying a lot of self soothing talk to myself. Therapist told me to talk to my "inner child" and calm her a lot. It might sound nuts but it really works for me. He also told me to think of what he'd say when I'm really struggling. Almost like an imaginary pocket therapist. So I'm trying to plod along. Found a perfect rental but it's 760 a month which feels quite a lot. I'm part time but could easily do a few locum shifts when kids would be at their dads which would pay really well.

But so many questions and worries.. if I earn extra I won't understand taxes. I need to sort out my own account.. I need to sort out permanent residency.. haven't even got settled status sorted out yet.

[marypoppinsreturns]

What scares me about finally making the decision is I know he will be really nasty about it, demand I leave, spin it round and tell everyone I am the nasty one and and threaten to take dc from me. I don't want to uproot dc but he will refuse to leave and likely make things financially very difficult for me. I am not currently on a full time salary. I really struggle to see a way forward and am angry with myself for allowing this to happen.

If a friend came to me and described her life like mine has been for a long time I know what I would advise. Not so easy when it's actually me in the situation though.

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

Everything you've said describes how I feel.
He uses my weak and guilty conscience to manipulate me and make it look like it's not him.
Says things like "no one else thinks about me in this way". "You'll destroy DCs life". "All that stuff was ages ago, I understand now". He is being super nice and polite at the moment which is what he does when he wants to get back in my good books, but it just doesn't work anymore cus I know he hasn't changed his attitude, it's fake.
10 out of 11 years I've been on the receiving end of his nasty tongue.
And it's okay that he lied for over a year about msging other girls because he's sorry and he's depressed and has a problem

I've had legal advice, a friend is helping me with rent money but I just don't seem to be able to push through. I'm paralysed, you describe it perfectly.

He thinks he's clever and has an answer for everything and verbally beats me down every time.

I'm doing grey rock now but it only gets me so far because I can't take the plunge.

The last time I told him I didn't love him, he slammed the back door so hard it broke, he then went on a bender and threatened to kill himself, he also sent me msgs calling me a cunt for ruining his life. I lost those msgs so can't prove it.

Sorry not very coherent I had a gin.

[Deran76]

@takethegirloutofscotland
Thank you. Sadly I've lost friends through this entire process because they were fed up of telling me to leave and me not being able to do it or having the courage to go through with it. The first time I tried to go, I had the house, contract was signed DD knew and was upset but understanding (she was 14 at the time) @ByeByeMissAmericanPie
I'm in the same situation because I have no idea how he will react this time. Just be prepared for it not being how you expect. Last time I expected raised voices, tension, swearing, possible violence and property being damaged but he crumbled in front of me and cried and begged and wore me down so quickly with guilt I ended up staying. Since then it's been 6 years and they have been hellish. This time I'm determined to go. I'm determined to be happy. His parents got involved last time and used guilt to persuade me to stay so this time I'm not telling anyone who might sabotage my chance of happiness. I don't quite know how I'm going to do it yet, to be honest I just want someone to do it for me but I know that's just me being a coward. He works Monday- Thursday and has the car so I need to plan everything carefully so I can just clear out. I'm lucky enough that I know the tenant who is moving out of the house and I'm able to store things there between now and when I move.

[Deran76]

Your life sounds like an echo of mine. I'm also trying to grey rock through this. I'm so tired and broken at getting called the 'c' word. I'm by no means a prude but continually getting called a 'stupid C' a 'lazy C' has made me believe I am these things.
Please use this as support, all those years ago I thought I was alone and was so paralyzed by it all that I wasted 6 years of my life that I will never get back. He didn't steal them from me I gave them away and I can't afford to lose any more years.

I'm never coherent and I'm only drinking tea lol xx

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I too gave him many years, trying to keep him happy and tending to his needs. I also moved away from my family to be with him.
I feel like I made my bed.
He has in the past said "you bought the ticket".

[Deran76]

I moved from Scotland to England on the back of false promises of a better life. The guilt I feel about leaving my family is over whelming at times. In a sense I did make my bed when I chose to leave Scotland. I've come to realise though for my own sanity it's not too late and can never be too late to change my bed again X

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

It can be changed, we just need to be a bit selfish to accomplish it. Which is very hard when you're gentle natured and an empath.
But then this is why these men chose us.

[Spain1]

It's such a relief to hear there are others in the same boat. Friends tell me I'm brave but I feel like such a coward not being able to go. Frozen with fear is the way I describe how I feel. My husband (can't even bear the word) is nasty. I think he must be so damaged to behave the way he does.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

I’m trying meditation in the morning and gin at night!

I don’t have a problem moving out. I don’t have a problem living by myself.

I have a massive problem actually telling him and what comes next. He thinks we’re in a good place because I’ve just gone back into being a ‘good little wife’ for the last 10 weeks.

DC are still at home and will bear most of the brunt of his anger.

[R3ALLY]

Oh God it’s like they are all learning the same lines. I mentioned ‘we need to look at this long term’ and immediately got the guilt trip, are you kicking me out of my house? Are you going to take my kids? I’ll tell the kids you destroyed everything. Christ. And I panicked and backed down so he won.

[takethegirloutofscotland]

There is no violence or abuse in my relationship my heart goes out to those of you where there is

But the emotive response to wanting to separate is what I have had in the past is exactly what some pps have described
He started angry then became sadder and sadder played on my guilt about the kids guilt that he has no one close really no friends small family that he has no where to go!
We bought a house having moved from England to Scotland we thought it would be a fresh start
He promised to try harder and we spoke about counselling our big issues are
Sex(lack of maybe x1 in last year)
Him using initiative for anything really
Me just feeling like I don't love him enough or in the right way to stay married
Him appearing oblivious to the fact our relationship is not normal
Nothing has changed we have not had counselling neither of us pursued it but I feel it was him that wanted to save our relationship yet has done nothing to improve it!

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

I told him I was leaving last March. He promised to change (ha!) he came with me to Relate. The counsellor refused to pick up on the fact I felt frightened and unsafe with H. H just spun the line that he got at bit stressed occasionally. It was enough to see me onto ADs and sleeping pills.

Right. Time to sleep. Thanks for reading

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

It’s the same old... same old, eh @takethegirloutofscotland?

I’ve been dithering for 5 years. 5 whole years. And I know I have friends and family fast running out of patience with me.