Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

It’s good to know there’s others in the same boat. We’ve been together 18 years, married 13, 2 primary aged DC, a lot of pets. He had an affair 3 years ago, I stayed and really believed things would change, we’re back to being housemates. He has taken financial advantage of me over the last year. Refuses to discuss any of it - always some reason why he can’t handle talking. He has chronic depression which I have supported him through as much as I can, I have high-functioning autism (newish diagnosis) and anxiety with which he has provided zero support. I’ve made up my mind - I didn’t stay through the trauma and humiliation that was the affair to end up being treated like this. I spoke to a lawyer last week. But now I have to tell him. One of the children is always around, or he’s conveniently asleep/avoiding me. Normally I’d scuttle away full of shame and rejection when he pushed me away, but this time I have to somehow find the courage.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I feel the same way - I’ve been saying this for so long that no-one thinks I’ll actually do it. I feel sick with fear just thinking about it.

It's that feeling of fear that's holding me back too I feel it in my stomach most days
I think saying the words will be the hardest bit
Once the words are out it's one step at a time from there ...
It's just the staying strong and focused on the end result and not blindsided by the emotional blackmail
I really do feel the right time will come and I won't be able to stop myself and I think it's close
I am lucky I have two great friends who are sooo supportive in getting me through this

Taking it one step at a time has definitely helped so far - like you say, it’s the thought of getting the words out. After that I could manage.

These last 8 weeks haven't helped. Both working from home, trying to home school. At least prior to this I had a little time to myself which I really miss. Wish I'd been proactive making plans then, but now he's always here so I can't think about trying to sort things. I have absolutely no time to myself during the day.

I'm also called the c word, usually when he has had a drink and various other names, but apparently I'm the one being aggressive. I know that's what he'll tell people, I'm terrified he'll try to take dc from me. I suggested we try to get through lockdown then have a talk about things and he absolutely refused and got angry and said that that was the talk and I should just go now.

Think I need to get some sort of plan in place as I don't want to keep living like this and don't want dc affected, he is a good dad, though then I feel guilty for splitting up the family as I will be made out to be the bad guy that did this to dc.

@marypoppinsreturns sorry if this sounds blunt but a good dad does not drink too much and call their child's mother a cunt!!
He might go for 50/50 custody of lids but he can't take them away from you
My thought process at the moment is that we are all going to cause hurt and anger doing this
I recognise this and am working hard to accept it
I am a people pleaser I hate the thought of being seen as the bed guy but the only people who will see me as that don't actually matter ( his family )
Who will he make you out as the bad guy too and does their opinion matter??

@Seaside1234 - yes, I feel sick with fear to my absolute core. I had it all planned and would leave during a week that he was away, leaving a note. Tbh, we’ve done the talking and he sees no wrong in anything that he’s done. There is no more discussion to be had.

I’m sooooo sick of the arguments, the gas lighting, the eggshells we ALL have to walk on as a result of his moods. Or not putting him in a mood.

I get called aggressive and vicious. Nobody I know would call me that! I’m a complete People Pleaser to my very core. But if you read enough on here, You’ll know they actually accuse you of what they’re doing themselves. He’ll yell ‘Stop Shouting’ at me when I’ve not raised my voice.

The best I get now is a few hours in the house without him but I have DC around. So hard to organise...

I’m going to lose this house if I don’t sign today.

Youcantakethegirloutofscotland and Marypoppins

The best advice I can give you is be strong very strong you can do this.

Yes it will be hard the hardest thing you have ever done in your life and you will feel anxious, sad, (I thought I was having a nervous breakdown) but...….once the words are said you've done the hardest part.

Try to imagine your life in say 20 years when the kids have up and gone and youre on your own with this man who you are gonna spend the rest of your life with. Do you really want to feel the way you feel at the minute for the rest of your life?

Sending huge hugs ()

@Diabetes123
Thank you I totally believe saying it is the hardest part
Have spent the morning thinking of my own mum who left after infidelity with three kids under 5 she was strong and we all turned out ok I think
My sticking point is there is no abuse no really bad behaviour just no passion and a sinking feeling of dull unhappiness and I need to reconcile my guilt for leaving an ok marriage not a terrible one! X

takethegirloutofscotland

Aww this is very very familiar. No fundamental reason for me leaving either just no love, no physical attraction and just felt unhappy. The guilt is a natural emotion and one that I am going through everyday at the minute (my DD's have stayed with their dad) so I feel enormous guilt but I'm just trying to stay strong and taking all of the support from my friends, family, work colleagues (luckily I have a very good job with very supportive colleagues who I can load off on).

I keep saying it but you really really deserve to be happy every person in this world does.

Be strong you got this you all have.

Byebyemissamericanpie

You can do this you are a strong independent woman who deserves to be happy.

Some things I have learned...

FEAR is used as a weapon against women trapped in an unhappy marriage. We are conditioned to believe that we will not be capable of living a free and independent existence. We are told it is our duty to stay put and do what is expected of us. We are called selfish, deluded, stupid, unreasonable. This is all about CONTROL.

We are threatened with terrible consequences. We are BLAMED for the situation we find ourselves in.

We are made to feel GUILTY. We are always the ones at FAULT.

Trying to get these feelings into perspective is really difficult. We find ourselves mired in an impenetrable FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt.

I remember thinking I'd rather be dead than live the rest of my life like this. I remember crying and thinking - what the hell have I done? I felt utterly trapped and alone. I didn't tell anyone what I was going through. I had genuinely married for life, with the best of intentions. He didn't give one single shit about my happiness.

The hardest part was making the decision to end it. But once I had made that decision, there was no going back.

@Diabetes123 @Sicario
thank you It really helps to hear others experience

Everything you said @Sicario I recognise we are totally conditioned as women and mothers to put everyone else first
I am lucky I have great friends and colleagues for support too
Can I ask about logistics those who have ended relationships did you leave straight away , did you have somewhere lined up , did he leave
I'm obviously struggling thinking about this in lockdown and fearful that if I start the conversation now neither of us can go anywhere and living together in the house will be just dreadful
On the other side I feel like if I don't say something I might explode!!

@takethegirloutofscotland thank you for being blunt. Maybe that's what I need. Like you but it would be his family he would turn against me, including adult child from previous relationship. They all think he's wonderful. I wouldn't be believed if I told them what he's sometimes like. He moved out briefly about a year ago and they all dropped me immediately for a time. So I guess I can live without them. Re my dc, I don't think he could manage without me realistically but I think he'd build a story up that I'm not a fit parent. I'd like to think in reality he wouldn't but from things he's said I'm not convinced.

Can I hop on this thread too?

Married 27 years and with grown up DC although one is still at home / at uni .

Things haven't been good for a few years but we were living abroad which made any idea of leaving tricky.

I managed to persuade him to get us back to the UK which is certainly better for me but the marriage is still rocky to say the least .
He is and has been EA and controlling which I am seeing clearer by the day . My DC are very supportive but they are all I have really have as he has cut me off from friends that I did have and been difficult about me making new ones now we have moved .
Lockdown has been tough as we are all stuck together in a lovely rural location. He has no job currently which means he is always present - even going to the shops I can't do alone as he wants to come just to drive me - he stays outside while I go in .. it's suffocating for me but to him it's spending time together...

After a row a few days ago - mostly about him not getting any sex anymore, I have moved into the spare room for some space and I have to say it feels great! Slept the best I have for months and no fear of unwanted groping .

I am taking some time to digest and analyse the marriage past and present and trying to work out if there is any hope or is separation the only way forward.

Let's take strength from each other here and go get the lives that we deserve!

@Diabetes123 thank for your kind words.@Sicario I identify with a lot of what you say too.

I think this thread may really help me. I've often thought about starting one but was too nervous too.

He's all nice this morning but not until I was already upset about something. But at least today might be a better day.

Gosh @Sicario - you've nailed it in one!

Every post on here resonates with me.

Welcome @Mumof3dogs - sounds like we're in a similar situation time wise. Our anniversary is coming up 24 blinking years....

I keep trying to remember I used to rent my own flat, pay my own bills, have my own friends and come and go as I pleased.

I could put on a fitted sheet with the seams on the outside and NOT get yelled at. I could pop a pill out of a packet without being told which was the next one I had to pop. I could access an IFA on my own.

I could go on...

Oh @ByeByeMissAmericanPie I can understand what you are saying .,

I was the one earning the big bucks when we got together, with my own rented flat and company car

Now I still stuck here isolated and dependent on a grumpy abusive Husbeast.

One example of his previous form has been getting angry when I would go out to meetings for an activity that I volunteered for. He couldn't see why it should take more than an hour and being there longer was taking the piss being disrespectful to him and taking away from time with me - despite that fact at that time he used to game all night every night

Hey ho

At 55 I have hopefully many years ahead of me and I want to be happy not trapped and miserable..

I am here for you all. I have been there big time. I still wear the scars, but I learned so much. My life went on an upward trajectory the moment I "dumped the chump".

Our kids - we love them so much. We are torn by promises that we made, that are held up by the law of the land. It's a legal contract. But its always us who are left holding the babies.

And before anyone goes: not all men are like that! Yes. Whatever. But mostly, it's us.

So for this thread. For the women here who are thinking, did I really sign up for this shit?

I'm here. Be strong. Think about the old half-joke : women are like tea bags. drop them in hot water and see how strong they get.

I feel like I'm struggling tonight girls.

Coming home to an empty house without my kids with me is torture. Shopping for one, cooking for one, cleaning for one :(

I know its early days but god I feel sooo much guilt its unbearable.

Hugs needed :(

@Diabetes123 sending hugs
You've got this!
I'm sitting in my car dreading going home remember that feeling when you feel like you do today.
No more words for you just love and admiration xx

CONFESSION:

I did a terrible thing once. It was a frozen pizza, and I put it in a really hot oven with the plastic thing still on the bottom. On purpose. I scratched it up a bit, put some cheese on the bottom, and baked the fuck out of it.

Then I cut the pizza up with a pizza wheel cutter. With the plastic polystyrene thing still stuck to it. Melted onto the bottom of the pizza.

He ate it. He was drunk (as usual) and he said to me - that was fucking disgusting, then slung the plate aside.

I slept very well that night.

I'll tell you about the demon sandwich some other time. And the story about the dog food...

Thanks takethegirloutofscotland

Are you going to tell him?

Just been talking to my eldest daughter who says my youngest one will still not speak to me she wont listen. It doesn't help when a friend has just rang saying that she was in the shop with her dad bumped into someone we both know and when she asked about me he said shes left me and then my youngest daughter pipes up and says yeah shes left us! wtf why does he have to say it like I've emigrated or ran away with another bloke no wonder she doesn't want to speak to me Raging :(

And he wants us to go to marriage counselling! Pfft its a good job I'm not in contact with him at the minute cos he would get a piece of my mind.

As if the guilt wasn't bad enough the DD's now think that their mother has left them.

Fuck fuck fuck

Sorry just needed rant

Do not go to counselling with an abusive partner. There's lots written about this. Counselling is not recommended for couples where there is coercion, control, or other forms of abuse. Bullying, gaslighting, emotional blackmail etc.

If any of this features in your relationship, counselling cannot help. If anything, it can make things worse.