Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Kittensgalore no not yet. Wanted to last night but couldn't get the words out. Wanted to this morning but he didn't get out of bed till gone 1, then was up about an hour and went out so will have to wait until he's back. Hopefully soon. Bricking it if I'm honest but I think another reason I told ds is so now I can't back out of it again.

Thank you ds is so lovely, I really don't know how I've ended up with him lol.

@Kittensgalore I've just been reading back a bit, congratulations on almost getting out to your new place, I'm sure it will be wonderful for you and the kids! Staying in the same house after it's over is something im not looking forward to but nice to hear you have managed it so far and are getting out. I'm excited for you. It will be brilliant.

Thank you mouseymousenomore, I really appreciate your message. I feel a bit shell shocked to be honest and in limbo. I feel numb but worried how I might feel when we actually move. I'm presuming I will feel relief but what if the overriding feeling is regret and I can't go back. The house I'm leaving is lovely & it's taken a lot of work to get it as lovely as it is plus the neighbours are great. It's a rare street in a city where kids still all play out together. I'm not going to be able to replicate that. But also I won't have someone eyeballing me across the room and whispering cunt at me in front of my kids. Do you have a plan for when you tell him tonight? Does he have any idea? Maybe good to have a back up place to go stay for the night? Not that you should have to go but just in case he is threatening? Kids and I have been pretty much nomadic since I told ex that it was definitely over. We have moved between friends and house sat when possible. Back home just now which is awful but on count down now!

How is everyone?? I’m on holiday in the West Country with the family and some friends. A couple of marriage counselling sessions have just confirmed to me really that I am not getting what I need from the marriage - and really there is no way that I can without asking my DH to become a completely different person ...
I feel really sad though as we are having a nice family holiday. There’s no atmosphere, he’s making an effort to be helpful and kind - so am I. But it’s a holiday with a friend - actually a friend whose conversation I find quite irritating and dull though.😬 But has good elements to them. When I look in my kids eyes though - the thought of deliberately causing them pain and upset and suffering - it kills me. But I know it’s coming if I’m really honest. It’s such an awful feeling.

Hope everyone else - the recently taken the plunge, those longer into separation and those still girding their loins like me - are doing ok.

Hi HaggisBurger, that sounds so tough. At least by the end with me the atmosphere was so bad I knew that I had to leave for the sake of the kids as well as myself. If they had been happy it would have been so much harder. But I guess overtime it is really vital for their emotional health that they grow up with a happy Mum or at least a Mum who is happy most of the time. Not that it makes it easier for you just now but your happiness is as important.
We move in to our new flat today. Not quite sure how I feel to be honest. Will post with an update later maybe! Been feeling sick with anxiety mostly so really hoping that subsides a little once we are moved. Hope everyone else ok. Please post if you can, I'm finding this thread really helpful even if it is mostly inactive now

@Crossroads19 'He doesn't seem to understand that this isn't something I want, but is all that we're left with.
We did counselling (after he eventually agreed to go when I didn't go back in my box) and he said all the right things in joint sessions. He gave up after a few though and suggested I go on my own, as it was me with the problem. .
He just doesn't hear me. I have been telling him for almost a year now how I feel and why I feel that way and he just doesn't get it.' this is DH too. He's left me no where to go. There's no way to solve things when he won't even listen. A good example i said to him that looking after everything our boys, 2 who have SN, need plus all the home duties was taking everything I had and more and that I needed him to help more so that I wasn't completely exhausted and we could have more time together. His
response was to go 'see you admit you're giving everything to the boys and have nothing for me'. And then he went on at length about how it was all my fault and I was choosing the kids over him. That's what he took from me asking for him to step up and be a half decent parent so we could have more time together.

I asked so little of him and I wasn't even worth that to him. I want to feel angry or like I'm well rid of him, but I just feel overwhelmingy sad and broken. This isn't what I want, but I'm out of options. There's separation and not getting to see my kids everyday or letting him destroy the last broken bits of me. And even when I feel like I'd do anything to be free of him, there's still the fact that my boys will then have to deal with him on their own, with his emotional abuse and anger. It breaks my heart that there's no way to protect them from that. Our laws are very different here and pretty much only physical abuse against the kids themselves that would reduce his chances of getting significant amounts of contact. Divorce means a good chance if he wants it that I won't get see my boys 50% of the time. And I'm afraid he'll harm them, not physically but mentally. It's scary to think he could get 50% care of them. I'm scared of his anger, how much worse will it be for my boys on their own with him.

Hi Haggisburger your story sounds like mine. I have been feeling very unhappy for a very long time. Nothing terrible in the relationship but it is dead. No intimacy and my dh sleeps every night on the sofa. I have three dcs 16 and 12. I gave up work 4 years ago to be there for the children after 20 years of a high pressure career and now feel trapped. We just had a weeks holiday that was ok, dh slept on the sofa there and mostly we were polite although he’s quick to snap at me or make nasty remarks if I do anything that annoys him. Not ready to go yet but I’m going to spend the next few months working out a plan.

What a hideously awful situation Ghostofme, I'm so sorry, it really does sound like you must be exhausted, emotionally and physically. If your DH can't do more to help can you afford to buy some help in? Appreciate that maybe isn't possible for various reasons but really sounds like you need to find a way to take care of yourself in all of it. It sounds as if it must feel completely overwhelming when you talk of what the future may be if you did find a way to separate. Do you have family or good friends nearby? I live far from family and I didn't tell many friends how bad things were. I've only recently started to say a little of what had been going on and folk have been so supportive and helpful. I think I felt I could only start telling people how bad it had been once I had found a way out.
Hope you have a better day today at least.
Well first night in new flat done! DS was so sweet last night, came and old me he liked the flat much better as he wouldn't get lost in it and our old home had too many doors and then to top it off that he loved me. So despite it being a mighty stressful day that was a lovely way to end it.

Hi ladies, I posted at the start of this thread and not much since and I see it's not really being used now but I thought I'd ask advice here anyway as my situation has got worse after a period of being ok. Don't want to start a new thread as prefer to be hidden within a thread really.

At a point I really want to separate. I have told my husband this but don't think he believes me. He won't move out (as he pays for most of it as he pointed out), even though I'd only want to stay with my child till we could sell, as I can't afford it on my own. He is also saying I'm a bully, when I feel it's totally the opposite. He called me the c word again in front of my child, immitates me crying to make a fool of me and says if I leave with my child I'm being selfish and making my child homeless and taking help from someone who really needs it.

I also read that I'd be entitled to no assistance if I leave as my name would be on the mortgage of I property I'm not living in. We have quite a lot of debt between us too. I'm also scared he will try to get full custody of our child and make out I'm
unfit even though I do 90% of all child related things and he's not involved with school stuff or anything. I really don't see a way out and feel very trapped at the moment. I do work but only 25 hours as went part time when child came along.
Chances of more hours right now with COVID-19 are slim, unless I looked for new full time job, which I'm not sure I could open with the stress of right now on top of everything else.

I keep thinking things will get better and that my child deserves a proper family so I keep staying and for a while they do, but the thought of this much longer is getting too much. He's very mean about my family and friends too, and a bit of me would love to tell his family what he can be like sometimes as they all think he's wonderful. Btw I know I'm not perfect and do argue back but I now feel completely worn down with it. Don't think it's fixable but he's not willing to take any sensible steps to resolve things.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, ideas on how move forward with him, or where to start to end it?

If you got to the end thank you for reading.

@marypoppinsreturns Hi, your situation is almost identical to mine, even down to the guilts trips and threats.
I wouldn't tell his family anything, they will always support him even if they knew.
Have you told your family? That may help to get some support on your side.
Talk to a friend, talk to Citizens advice.
It's a long, slow process but you can do it.
You need to find some coping strategies for when you're around him. It's not easy and it can get so lonely, hence the reason for telling people.

@Fuckmyliferightnow thank you for replying, sorry you are experiencing similar. A couple of friends know some stuff though because I never take action I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it. My mum knows a little but don't want to worry her with the details. A couple of years ago I did speak to citizens advice and even a lawyer (he didn't know), and he moved out for a couple of months but came back. Wish I'd been tougher then. He'll never leave again and recently keeps hammering the point home about him paying foe everything. If I did leave my money would be swallowed up with this house so it seems impossible. I am happy to ultimately leave this house just don't want to uproot my child more than I have to. I don't think he could even cope with a child on his own so not sure if he's just all talk. We both currently wfh with no end in sight to that which has made things a hundred times worse as there's no escape and no privacy.

Think I will start with I trying to work out finances and speak with cab again. Coping strategies is something to think about too. Thanks again for replying.

@marypoppinsreturns is it his/your business are separate jobs working from home?

@Fuckmyliferightnow separate jobs, but for the same company. He's more senior. Been working from home since March.

Hello
I’m just back off a holiday from hell with my drunken abuser of 20 years. I don’t know where to start but just saying hello to you all whilst I process my shambles of a life and try to find the courage to get out. X

I’ve posted about him for years now I’m here, theres so much and it runs deep so I don’t know where to start. I’ve got to leave, I’ve got to do it this year.

I’ll start with recently; the holiday was so so awful. He was drunk almost all day every day. I had to just let him in case of a kick off when I’m isolated and I’m a foreign country. We met some nice people initially, within a couple of days everyone gave us a wide berth, greeting me and pointedly ignoring him. Complete strangers could see he was an obnoxious aggressive bully. He puts it down to him being socially awkward.

He tried it on this morning, blurgh. Acted like he’s totally fine with the rejection and “used to it now anyway” Now he’s aggressively chopping veg to make us a “lovely meal” for this evening. I’ll pay for that rejection, probably tomorrow.

I hate him.

@marypoppinsreturns at least you're not reliant on each other and you're not tied to him through work. It is something you can take elsewhere.
I don't envy you that's for sure but once you've made it clear that it's over you'll get used to the idea, then you can slowly stop doing things for him. It will feel totally alien to you to not cook or wash his clothes, but after a few days you'll start to feel liberated and he will get the msg.

@BippityBobbityBoo I'm sorry you're in that situation.
I can't be of much help as I'm emotionally disabled at the moment but you should start looking at ways of leaving.
You really don't deserve to put up with this man's shit!

Hi all, I thought I'd found my people reading this thread, it's taken me a couple of days of dipping in and out to get to the end and now I'm at the end I realise the thread is barely used anymore. Can anyone point me in the direction of a similar but active thread, or does anyone fancy a bit of mutual support here?

I have 3 teenagers and went through a separation from their incredibly selfish father 7 years ago, it was so hard and I came very close to a breakdown, he had checked out of family life, would gaslight me and I think there was a level of financial and emotional control.

1.5 years later I got together with my current partner, we've been together 5.5 years, the last few months have not been good and I am at a point of wondering whether we are coming towards a natural end (barely any sex... his choice, we barely do anything as a couple...anything we do do has to be instigated by me, he seems increasingly moody and rants at me a lot which has taken the pleasure out of the relationship) or wondering if he's actually controlling and this is an unhealthy relationship, I am currently reading Lundy Bancroft in the hope of getting a clearer understanding of this.

Anyway, after a turbulent few weeks where we almost split up but decided to keep trying he has accused me of having an affair, he has come to this conclusion because he has been watching me closely on Facebook, he's been looking through my friends list and checking any men he doesn't know for their relationship status (colleagues, hobbies, old school friends), any who don't appear to be in a relationship he has friend requested (without my knowledge), some have accepted and he has accused me of having an affair with a particular male Facebook friend because he found a thread on the mans page that I had commented on a couple of times...he said I was messaging him without his knowledge and therefore this was evidenceof an affair.

I am absolutely not having an affair with this man or anyone else and there was nothing remotely sexual in my communication with him, just typical chat on a facebook thread, think discussing a band type of thing. So I've told my partner that this is the end, I'm not having an affair but also do not feel it's acceptable for him to sneak around watching me on Facebook and friend my friends with the purpose of trying to catch me out cheating. He's paranoid and I'm concerned he is controlling, there have been other things too but this is the thing that has brought it to a head.

The problem is he is now being so loving and caring, he is minimising the Facebook thing and saying it was him being paranoid and he should have known me better after 5 years, he is trying to keep me hooked in, but I know it's not right and we'll just end up back here again if I continue with the relationship.

What I'm looking for is mutual support from women going through separation so that we can support each other to stay strong and to help with those lonely moments when it would be so easy to keep with the relationship rather than moving on.

Can anyone point me in the direction of any threads that fit the bill or fancy chatting here?

Tisahardlife, totally sounds like you need to get rid of him ASAP. He sounds totally paranoid but also very controlling/manipulative. You've been through it once with your kids father so you know how bad it can be but I suspect this time it wouldn't be so tough and you may well feel so much better if you can extract yourself from him. I'm around 6 weeks in from having left with my two kids. Initially it was just a huge relief, and every day I celebrated being able to be me without someone criticising me every step of the way. 6 weeks in it is dawning on me how lonely I may be in the longer term. Not helped by the Covid situation and WFH pretty much full time for the foreseeable. But I would still rather be alone than be dragged down by the person who is meant to love and support you. How easy would it be to leave him in a practical sense? I think if that can be sorted out, even just in theory, with out too much hassle then it is far easier to try and work out the emotional ties.

@marypoppinsreturns Your situation sounds really similar to mine in terms of the emotional abuse. He would call me hideous names and latterly was calling me a cunt in front of my kids. Day before I left he sat mouthing it over and over again whilst I sat on the other sofa with my 9 year old. He would also tell me I was mental/crazy/had the rage and that basically his bad behaviour was all my fault. He also said he paid for everything and point blank refused to sell the family home. Ultimately after several years of knowing I had to leave I managed to actually do it. I work full time so haven't had to rely on any benefits so I don't know about that bit of your situation but it must be worth checking out. Speak to CAB again and take it from there. You need to make an escape plan whatever that may be. Does your mum live nearby? I know you say you don't want to bother her but if this was happening to my daughter I know I'd want to know about it.

@BippityBobbityBoo so sorry you are in such a horrendously situation. He sounds appalling. I'm sure if you've been posting about him and your situation for a long time there is no good advice or support you've not already been given. But just wanted to say I'm so sorry, I hope you are ok

@Kittensgalore thank you for your reply. We have had an ok couple of days and this is where I always get sucked back in and think things aren't so bad. He was away overnight last night and the peace and quite and calm was lovely. But yes, I think CAB is the place to start to at least weigh up my options. I think it ultimately would be the right thing to do, but it would be so difficult and I am terrified of losing my child, who we tried to have for many years. This really wasn't how things were meant to turn out.

Thank you for your lovely and thoughtful reply Kittens, it is the thought of a future of loneliness that is so hard once the reality of separation set in.

Well, today I made it official, he sent an email to me yesterday asking to try again, he pointed out changes we could make and a way forward that sounded like a contract, it was such an official sounding email.

I replied today saying that the relationship has run its course and I bare him no malice. He has accepted that and been so lovely since that I'm not worried I've made the wrong decision.

Separation is so hard

@Tisahardlife That does sound hard.

I'm very close to separating from DH after all sorts of issues for years but particularly exacerbated this year. He also blames me for every problem we have ever had. I'm tired of how he sees me more than anything. I spend as much time as possible out of the house so I can avoid him but it also means I'm spending less time with the DC than I would like so I probably need to address it.

I don't think he will want to separate amicably - what to do about the house will be very difficult to navigate as neither of us can afford it by ourselves and can't afford to buy anywhere else locally.

My husband was away overnight last night and I was just me and my child and the calm in the house was lovely. Was dreading him coming back. Was fine initially then later was shouting about how no one gives a shit about him and his worries (he'd had a drink) and how just to let our child sleep in with us as nothing else would be happening anyway. (Because of me - I admit its not the most important thing to me and the more awful he's been I wanted to even less). He's also regularly calling me a bully and a coward. Maybe i am, if he thinks that he will get other people to think that too. Just so scared he will try to get full custody and paint an awful picture of me. It took me a very long time to become a parent and I'd never get over it if that was taken away.

I wish he'd stayed away and we could try to sort out access, the house and finances but he never will. I know he's only with me now because of our child but I wouldn't try stop any any access so I don't really understand why he wouldn't want to separate and we'd all be happier. He's now asleep and I'm sure if I go to bed he'll either keep me awake all night being horrible or try and sleep with me and be angry when I won't want to. Will def contact CAB this week for some advice. My friend suggested women's aid to help make a plan but there are people out there with much more serious problems. He also said one time when I said I'd see if the council would help house us if I left that I'd be taking accommodation from someone who really needed it.

Sorry for the essay tonight, I just feel I did nothing to deserve the way I was treated tonight and no one else I can speak to just now. I know i need to end it as he never will but it's so difficult.