Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Crossroads19 you've hit the nail on the head there with your last paragraph!

Yes mine is alternately moping then saying we just need to go to counselling and it will all be alright. I’m really struggling because I’m a bit of a doormat by nature but I just keep repeating that it won’t make any difference, I’m not sure it’s getting through to him though

Good evening ladies. I finally collect the keys to my new house on Friday. I'm excited, exhausted nervous stressed and highly anxious all at the same time. DD is home from uni so is a great support. DP has been furloughed for another three weeks so perfect excuse for vodka binges. Tonight was stressful. He continually tells me he loves me 'so' much, I'm his life, doesn't know what he would do without me blah blah blah....then, because I refuse to go to bed and sleep next to him reeking highly of alcohol (learned I do have some dignity) another argument ensues.. Him asking "why won't you go to bed..I just want a cuddle" , me replying, "because you smell of alcohol I don't want to cuddle you and it makes me so angry" His response?
"Well I still want to cuddle you even though you are fat"
So speechless I couldn't respond. Don't know whether to laugh or cry. Just had to get that out there. Is it him just being brutally honest? Is it him being emotionally abusive? Is he just pig ignorant? Also, those that have actually left, how have you told him? That's the part I'm dreading the most ☹️

I don't know what it is Deran76 but it's a really hurtful thing to say. I keep imagining ways to tell H, though a long way off that.

Last time I tried to end things I ended up agreeing to try again, he talks circles around me. So I need something that doesn't give him a way in. Im thinking something simple. "Our relationship is toxic. Too much has happened and I'm not prepared to try anymore, I'm done and I want a divorce. That we need to find a way to separate and coparent that minimises the effect on our kids. I'd like him to think about what he would like that to look like and we can talk about it when he's had a chance to think.'

If he pushes I might have to end up telling him the rest, "that he destroyed our relationship when he told me 3 years ago that he didn't think he loved, then refused to discuss it yet excepted our relationship to go on unchanged. That thanks to how he behaved sex became something that made me feel used and worthless and that I never ever want to be touched by him again. And that I am too scared of his anger for our relationship to ever function properly again. And that really given everything he's put me through the last 3 years I have NFI why he's still here, because there is no way you treat someone you love the way he's treated me. And he should have had the guts to end our relationship, instead of treating me badly until I couldn't take it anymore".

And still after everything I don't want to hurt him with the full truth.

@GhostOfMe - your post is incredibly powerful. It articulates exactly how you feel and why you have come to your decision.

You could write those exact words on a piece of paper and keep it in your pocket. This is YOUR TRUTH.

Good luck.

So DH has found a place and moves in a month. All sorts of emotions really, it's going to be a rough few weeks I guess. Feel totally washed out after yet as mother night of his heavy drinking and the subsequent wanting to talk and tears.. But he's brighter today, he's taken the first step in telling his brother at least, so I'm hoping once we get the practical side of him moving done then it'll gradually get better.
I feel so bad, so guilty, but relieved and a little excited. Trying to give him lots of space to adjust and hopefully time to let the kids get used to it all.

Hi
My husband tells me it's my hormones that are the problem. Anything that goes wrong and any argument is because I am hormonal. Problem is I think he is right? But surely it can't all be that! I feel so guilty that I have caused the relationship to go sour even though I don't know what I have done wrong. I feel like he has changed -not me. It he says it's me.

@peedofflots I get told the same, my DH is emotionally abusive although it took me a while for that to sink in. Even when i grey rock and don't react to his jibes and nasty comments, I still get the hormone card. Thing is, being in a toxic relationship can bring out a part of you that you don't like, but maybe that part isn't the real you, it's the down trodden gaslighted no-self-esteem version of you that his poor behaviour has cultivated. I don't know your situation or anything about your DP, but one thing I would suggest is to keep a diary of your moods, see if there is a pattern with time of month (or with what's going on at home), maybe speak to your GP too, they can set you up with some blood tests for hormones. I did that, either it tells you that you could do with a bit of help with regulating them, or it tells you you're fine, you're just stressed out to hell with an obnoxious DH/DP. Either way you get helped. Be kind to yourself most of all. Being treated badly, or feeling like you have zero support from the person who's meant to be there most for you can make you lose self esteem and doubt yourself so so much, which is a slippery slope to completely losing your own compass and all self confidence. When you get to that point you'll believe anything.. sending hugs xx

Can I join? I've been trying to leave for several years but this time I really do want to do it. I read through some of this thread a few weeks ago and actually got so upset that it was all so familiar that I couldn't read on or post but it helped just knowing you were all posting if that makes sense. Since then I've spoken with a solicitor ( not married) and they are going to write to him in the next day or so. He is refusing to leave or sell the house. He knows I've seen a solicitor and the atmosphere is horrendous. He can be vile anyway at the best of times, constant criticism, name calling and belittling. Also have had years of being told I have 'the rage' and so am therefore 'mental'. Two kids and 14 years later I really need to leave.
Sending strength to you all. Today I feel I have some spare.

@Kittensgalore sending hugs. It's shit when they try to make you out as mental, psycho, hormonal imbalanced, freak, anger management problems... whilst they are standing there raging telling you constantly how shit you are at everything. It's awful and it eats at your innermost self. So glad you are at the point of doing something. I'm not quite there yet but on my way there. It's hard.

Thanks so much geekatheart, your message is very much appreciated. Do you think you might be able to work things out or is it just not the right time to leave?

I'm still struggling with whether I'm
Going to have a moment where I'm convinced I've done the wrong thing but so far it's not happened. Not that I've actually done anything really but the thought is there and consistent. I have to go and it will be better for the kids and for me. I have to remember that.

I'm sorry I don't know all of you on the thread as well as I would have if I had posted earlier but I really hope you are all ok and those that have managed to leave or are in the process of doing so are in a better place.

I think as hard as it is, once you're out the other side you'll probably wonder how you stayed so long. For me I'm not there yet, a lot of doubts but I think they mainly stem from financial worries, and worries about DC.. each time something improves, it's like I'm scrabbling to hold on to it (sounds pathetic right) and I'm finally (after ten years of shit) coming to the conclusion that things are never going to change enough. Now I just need to get myself to the point where I've got the balls to go. I think a free consultation with a solicitor should be my first stop. Finances are very complicated and like a little web so my situation won't be massively straight forward to see what kind of maintenance etc I would be able to get. Plus I'm in an expensive area where renting a 3 bed would be about 900-1000 per month. Hugs @Kittensgalore I've been watching this thread and getting a lot of strength and advice from it. Hope you get to where you need to be. Be kind to yourself xx

That's what stopped me for years Geekatheart, the financial worries. I'm going to be totally broke, no idea how I'm going to manage really but I've just got to dive in and do it. Same here in that we live in a really expensive area and I can't move too far as kids would be devastated. I also cannot imagine ex paying maintenance. He is so tight and I know he will absolutely do anything not to. I hadn't realised there was a mechanism to have it directly taken from source. I think he'd rather move overseas than have that happen. Solicitors letter has been emailed to him today. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off. Definitely get some legal advice geekatheart. I first spoke to the solicitor a year ago for a free consultation and then got In touch again a couple of weeks ago for a full consult & letter telling him it's over and laying out what needs to happen next has been sent. So you could just have the free consult, if nothing else. It was really helpful. I've told him I'd rather sort it out ourselves than have solicitors involved but he won't communicate about it so felt I had no choice.
Very anxious about how this evening will go. But part of me thinks he may not come home until late pissed. We shall see.

Good luck Kittens! You must be on tenterhooks. Well done for getting the ball rolling.

I had my first marriage therapy session with DH yesterday. I’m actually away on my own for a few days and we thought that might be a good time to do it given it’s online in any case. I was dreadfully nervous - if what I might hear I guess about myself. My case is very much a “room mates” style marriage rather than the emotionally abusive ones some on the thread are having to endure. We can only afford six sessions so need to cut to the chase which suits me TBH. It’s vert structured around needs and was much “better” than I imagined. What was good to know was that my DH had given thought to trying to separate amicably and with the held of counselling if it comes to that.
It was hard to hear how hurt he feels in feeling that I don’t even like him much less love him most of the time (which is fairly accurate to be fair).
I’m just not sure how it will all end up but I’m glad we finally got started.

I think that it is really great you are able to do the online counselling Haggis. There was no way I could have done. Not couples counselling, it just would have been too difficult. But if you can I think that whatever happens there will be a better outcome in that you will hopefully be able to come to a more amicable agreement. But can only imagine how tough the process must be.
I'm not sure whether he has even read the email, worried maybe it's gone into his junk folder! He came home in a bad mood but that is an everyday occurrence and made some angry cryptic comment about me speaking to the kids about going to see his parents over the holidays or they would just be with me the whole time. Not sure what that is about. I have just assumed they will be with me as he has effectively distanced himself and leaves all the child care pretty much all to me anyway. Despite the fact we both work full time.

Just a quick update from me, got the keys to my new place and started moving things over. Told the kids who completely took it in their stride. Hoping to actually move next weekend or thereabouts. Stbex is in full on charm mode and seems to think that once I’ve moved out and got my own space we can continue a relationship just without the irritation of me having to pick up his dirty socks I am less convinced. It’s also making me both sad and a little angry that after ten years of doing very little around the house, he’s suddenly started being helpful. He’s made packed lunches for the children for probably the first time ever and our eldest is SEVEN! I vividly remember being heavily pregnant with my youngest and having noro virus, I’d been vomiting all night and I had to drag myself downstairs and make a packed lunch for my daughter and pack her bag for the childminder because he ‘wouldn’t know what to do’ yet now, he’s magically capable. It’s SO frustrating because he’s desperate for us to work it out but I feel like screaming and shaking him because WHY didn’t he listen before?!

That's amazing Pickledlily, not about your ex being an idiot and pulling out all that stops now, but that you have keys for your new place and the kids are ok that is brilliant. How is the new place? Did you kids know anything in advance of you telling them?

The kids didn’t know anything but they just completely accepted it, they seem quite excited about having two homes. I’m actually moving to a static caravan my mum has bought so the kids are seeing it as a big adventure. We can spend most of the year there and stay with my mum at her house through January. I had to think outside the box because financially, I just couldn’t manage but the kids just see the swimming pool and playground and think it’s great fun. Although they do keep telling people they’re moving to a ‘camervan’ so lord knows what people think, it’s not, it’s a 3 bed static the size of a small flat!

Sounds like good progress for you @pickledlily and @haggisburger, I hope it continues.

When I started counselling I just knew nothing he said or did would help. We did 8 sessions and it was hard, really hard. By the 3rd I'd told him I couldn't see things improving.
It's great the kids have taken it well, mine have too, although my 5 year old is very, very clingy to me, which is difficult as I think him staying there without me is going to be the hardest thing, also for DH as he's going to be hearing him saying things like "I love mummy but I like you"...
He's got himself a lovely rental, garden, loads of space etc. He's ordering furniture and has the first week of August free to move in properly. I'm even taking him to IKEA to buy stuff for it. He's constantly asking questions, which broadband should I get, which this, what that.. Its no wonder I feel like him mum, not his wife.

All if it is costing us thousands, I'm really scared about money, hoping my car holds out until I can get some savings back in a year or so and buy a new one... Thing is, the things I get worried about now are being lonely (already was, in the marriage) being skint (can't stay with someone just for financial reasons, and I have a good job, so I'll be OK) and coping on my own (already did!) Even now, his 'perfect husband act' still includes barely interacting with the children.., drinking far too much at the weekends and putting them to bed maybe 2 times a week, if that. I sometimes still do have moments of thinking well could we come back from this, if I see him coping, being an involved parent, being independent, having a social life etc, will I get the feelings back... But I think there's no coming back really, plus I keep reminding myself that he barely tried, he gave it a week of 'trying everything' and previous yo that, several months of me asking for help with no response.

So, progress here. In 4 weeks I will be a lone parent.. Scary but also exciting in an odd way. I start back at school in September and I think that's when it'll hit properly, when it's me doing everything alone, even though as one things won't change, I'll still be coming home to an empty house, still be cooking every night, doing bedtime by myself, sitting and not having conversations in the evenings.. 🤔 In fact not much will change, I'll just be skint😂

@Sicario thanks for your kind words. It doesn't feel powerful, it is the truth, so much. And there can't be any other solution in the end. There's no way our relationship can ever be a normal loving one again even if he went back to being the man he was, or the man I thought he was. But I'm struggling to find the strength for the littler things I need to do first, let alone trying to overcome all the fears and doubts to tell him. Im afraid to talk to him, I'm afraid of his anger, I'm afraid he'll twist my words so badly I'll back down again. I'm afraid of how dealing with him on their own will effect our 3 boys. I'm afraid about how I'll manage without the little help he provides. 2 of our boys have asd and I have a physically limiting chronic illness that has meant I haven't been able to work for our a decade. I'm afraid leaving would be me saving myself at their expense. I'm afraid he'd want 50/50 (it's the norm where I live) and the impact this would have on my boys.

But then when I think of having a real relationship with him again I feel sick. And I know our physically separate but not separated relationship can't go on indefinitely. I have to find the strength to separate, somehow.

That sounds so difficult GhostofMe. I'm so sorry. I have wanted to leave for a long time but couldn't find the strength & worried so much about how things would be if I did and whether I'd regret it but actually now I'm in the middle of it (still in same house) I seem to have some inner strength from somewhere or just resolve maybe. Like the weight and worry of having to make the decision has gone. Really hope things shift in some kind of way for you soon.
All that you write Stegasarusmum is so familiar, I've been so worried about how it would be without him but apart from the financial side of things not much will change except I won't have every move I make criticised.
Love the sound of the camavan pickledlily! I love caravans, and the site sounds amazing. Did you have a thread a while ago where you asked what people thought about moving into a caravan full time? Not sure if it was you or someone else but I remember reading it at the time and thinking what a good idea, my kids would love that and if there was a site nearby where I could buy one I would definitely consider it! Hope you are all settling in ok.
Things for me have been horrendous the last few days. I thought we had turned a corner and that he had accepted we need to sell the house that we jointly own but no he is absolutely refusing to sell. My solicitor had given him the option of buying me out but the figure he is proposing is way less than we would get on the open market now as property is flying where we live and going for crazy sums. So ideal time to sell and then rent for a while but no he said he would rather wait for the market to crash. Need to speak to my solicitor today as not sure what to do next. But if a second wave comes winter time and we end up in lockdown again I cannot do it in the same house as him, not good for me or the kids. Going away with the kids and friends for a few days so that is at least something to be grateful for. Keep going everyone, we can do this.

Yes! The caravan thread was mine. A few posters were very negative indeed, one person said I’d be reported to social services for goodness sake! But I move in properly on Wednesday when my eldest has finished school and I can’t wait! It hasn’t been easy and financially it’s a real struggle in the short term but there are some full time jobs coming up at work in the next few months and I think it will all work out ok. The kids love the caravan. I was really worried about what my ex would say about it but he’s seen the ‘van and had to concede it’s lovely and actually quite spacious. It has been a tricky few days as it was his 40th birthday and he spent much of the day crying but even he admits that we couldn’t carry on like we were and as much as he wants us to sort things out, he seems to sort of understand my need for some space.

Hope you are having a great first weekend in your new home Pickledlily. I think it sounds awesome. I get me keys to a rental on 7th so not too much longer to go and ex is away for a few days & then I am with the kids so really not too much sleeps to go until I have some peace. He was particularly vile yesterday mouthing cunt to me whilst DS was sat next to me.
He is totally blaming me for it all. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes feeling very strong and certain this is the right thing to do and then doubting myself. I'm so sad to be leaving my lovely home but at the same time seem quite ok about it. I'm worried it's all going to hit me once we have actually left and I will regret it all so much.

Wow. I found this at the right time... I literally just posted a thread earlier about telling dh it's over today.

I've told my son (19) because I wanted him to be aware of what was happening in case of any arguments he may hear, and to not get involved.

He's relieved, which is lovely and heartbreaking at the same time. I told him I've failed him and his sister so far and I'm sorry for that but no more. It ends today. He said that he'll stay out but if h hits me he'll have to get involved. I don't know where that's come from, he doesn't know he's ever hit me (once, when ds was about 3) as it's never been spoken about but clearly he gets that worry somewhere. I've told him that if he suspects anything like that he's just to quietly get his sister and leave the house, just step outside, or go to the park, and call the police. Not to get involved. I hope it won't come to that.

Have you actually told your ex mouseymousenomore? Or are you planning to? Glad you have told your Ds, he sounds lovely.