Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@Megamoose22 welcome, that sounds horrific... What on earth would be his justification for having those?!
I wouldn't feel any guilt in that situation at all, you'd be totally right to leave.
It's so difficult though.
DH is being nice, everything is kind of normal, which feels so weird.
I can't motivate myself at all, weekends are just miserable, I plan so many things just to get out of the house as much as I can.

Good morning all

Thinking of everyone, it is a very, very hard time. Take it at your own pace, listen to your gut and try to make time for a bit of light-heartedness, just to stay sane x

Hi ladies, can I join too?
I actually told my (d)h i wanted to separate a month ago. In an ideal world i would have liked him to take on a rental for a while to minimise initial disruption to our 2ds's. He won't leave. I am finding it really tough not to fall into my usual routine of trying to fix everything. I feel like he will just do this until I am willing to just carry on.
It is so hard. Thinking of you all x

Thanks @HaggisBurger it's been a rough few days. Big blow ups (from him not me, I just had to walk away each time), constant criticism about a house that is clean. I deliberately made sure I didn't shout back so he couldn't use the PMT card. He's now not speaking to me other than a few under the breath comments. I'm struggling to see a way out. Finances are extremely complicated and I know now I shouldn't leave the marital home. He won't leave though. Just trying to bide my time but I'm not sure what for or how long this will last. It's calm (if not unpleasant) when he's not shouting and he's out at work most days but he looks at me like he detests me. It's happened a few times before and then we end up things coming to a head and he says he loves me and he knows he's difficult to live with but I'm too sensitive and have anxiety but that he loves me and wants it to work. So I get reeled back in and for a while it's great and I think THIS is the man I married, we can do this. When all is said and done I don't want to divorce but I'm not sure if that's based on my true want or because I've kind of been conditioned.. and plus it all seems too scary to leave x

Why do I still love him so much? I don't want to be without him :(

@stegasaurusmum he bought them because

Sorry I'm on mobile and its terrible trying to post. He bought them "because he wants them" not because of any need. He used our stimulus money (I'm in the US, I just really like these forums) even though my hours were cut and we were barely making it. Now that we are starting to get a little better, he goes and blows the last of my most recent paycheck on new AirPods, even though it's another week before I get paid again.

Hey ladies
Hope you are all well
Welcome to new posters and I'm sorry you are in the same position or at different points if this hideous journey
I've had a crap weekend
Hardly slept hardly ate
Our counselling was tough on Tuesday and can't say I'm looking forward to this weeks session
I know he wants to fix out relationship but I'm really feeling like I don't know if we can
I actually just want to run away this weekend I wish it was that easy
I'm tired emotional and just feeling overwhelming guilt
Working hard to try and hold it all together
Love to you all 🥰♥️

@takethegirloutofscotland I totally sympathise. I hate weekends. I'm desperate for Monday to come around.
DH has just announced as its hot next week he's working from home Thursday and Friday. I can't stand it, 2 days is bad enough but 4...4 days of him talking incessantly on the phone whilst I have to try to keep the kids quiet around him, or avoid him while he takes up the kitchen table, or when I can't even hoover or get the sewing machine out or do my own phone calls cause he's just there... moping, standing around in rooms staring at things, touching stuff as if it's the last time he will see them.. Barely acknowledging the kids, barely answering my questions or the comments I make about their days..
I know he's working through it all, I know he's heartbroken and depressed. I know I should be grateful he's not abusive, or violent, or being nasty... But oh, I feel so bloody guilty. Hes still looking at places but most aren't suitable. I just can't see an end to it.

I'm going to work Thursday, then plan a day out for me and the kids Friday, without him. No doubt I'll get a sulk about that but sod it.

Then just Saturday and Sunday to get through, again.

Another here who finds weekends really really hard.

Strength to all 🙏🏻

Hi everyone

Sorry been a bit incognito of late been working ridiculous hours :(

Positive news is that my youngest is now talking to me :) so happy we've even had a cuddle and a kiss :) Its gonna take time.

My husband and I had a date night on Saturday which was lovely just went for a walk and had some pizza etc. He is making big strides with his counselling and having CBT to address his behaviour and I can see a real change. I am starting some therapy today to tackle some very deep rooted issues I have which is gonna take time but we are willing to give it a try.

I'm sorry to hear that some of you are not doing so well it really is gonna be a rough ride for all of us but we have this thread to keep us going :)

So I’ve been given a date I can move. 4th July. I still haven’t told him or the kids yet. Guess I need to take a deep breath and deal with that one pretty soon.

Hi ladies, only 3 weeks until I can leave. Feel it's going to be the longest 3 weeks ever!

Hi @Diabetes123 so happy to hear your youngest has come round that must be such a relief for you
And a date night I'm glad it went well
Do you think being separated has given you some clarity around what you want?

@PickledLilly wow that's quick but good for you!
Sometimes I think just saying and doing it quickly would be best!

@HaggisBurger @Stegasaurusmum the weekends really are tough but this one was worse than usual
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact I don't love my husband enough or in the right way to commit to trying to fix our marriage
I know that is going to be a really difficult conversation and I'm going to cause even more pain
However feeling the way I do now is not sustainable. I'll drive myself crazy
Sending love to you all ♥️

takethegirloutofscotland I feel very sad for you :( Are you sure its not fixable? Is it behaviours from him/you which have caused the breakdown? Could you maybe each have separate counselling to change behaviours to fix it? Obviously you would both have to be committed and willing to do that. Of course I understand that some marriages are just not salvageable and that's fine but could it be worth a try?

Pickledlily you got this youre doing so well you should be proud of yourself :)

Being separated has definitely given me and him clarity and we now realise 6 weeks down the line that it absolutely had to happen for things to change. Its made us both explore behaviours that have brought us to this point. He is having counselling and CBT and I have sourced a therapist to deal with some deep rooted issues from my childhood :)

We both know where we want to be (back together) but we just need help to show us how to get there so hopefully with therapy/couples therapy things will work out obviously we both know there are no guarantees.

I hope you can all get some clarity one way or the other but please give yourselves time and space to be able to do that and if that means being on your own do it :)

Hugs everyone xxx

I’m not sure I am doing well! The stress of trying to figure out how and when to tell him is making me feel ill. Maybe I’ll actually feel a sense of relief when I’ve done it because I’ve been holding all of these secrets so long it might actually help to get it out in the open. He keeps talking about the future, what light fittings I want and what flooring we should buy etc and all the time I know I’m not going to be here, it’s so hard.

It’s further complicated by not wanting to ruin my eldest child’s birthday, the dog is dying of cancer, it’s STBex’s 40th birthday in a few weeks...it all feels a bit cruel to drop this bombshell on them all but I have to figure it out.

Pickledlily There will never ever be a good time to tell someone that you no longer want to be with them :( My advice for what its worth is to maybe go for a walk together just the two of you if thats possible and use the words I have something I need to talk to you about. I need to let you know that I've not been happy for a while now and I want us to have some time apart so I can figure out my feelings. He is going to be hurt no doubt about that but that's inevitable. If theres anything I have learnt throughout the last 6 weeks is that you need to be true to yourself and that means kinda being selfish in a way (although not if you know what I mean). I guarantee that saying the words is a lot easier that thinking them and the battles youre going through in your head at the minute Ive been there and its gonna be a rough time :( But I also guarantee you that in time you will feel relief, clarity, calmness and an overall feeling within you that you been true to yourself and to your ex.

I feel for you its a horrible time but you got this and we are here :) xxx

Can’t go for a walk due to kids, think I will have to tackle it when they are in bed. It shouldn’t be completely out of the blue as I already told him I wanted to leave back in January. I just don’t think he really believes I’ll ever actually do it.

@pickledlilly I felt exactly the same, he was planning nice meals, nights out etc and buying flooring and there I was just thinking it over and over in my head, trying to think about everything we'd done together and if there was anything left. It was horrible, but I'd said it several times in a kind of 'I'm not sure counselling will work' way and when I finally did say it, the relief was amazing... I also cried, felt terrible, I've felt horribly guilty... Its not been easy. My guilt is mainly that he's having to move. Practically he couldn't stay here, it made no sense, but I think it might have been easier on him if I'd gone. Wouldn't have been easier on the kids though and they have to be our most important consideration.
There is never a good time, I told him the day after our youngest birthday. He'd made a lovely meal, pulled out all the stops, lit candles etc... I just sat there feeling sick, awkward, I didn't want to be there. Couldn't keep doing that to him.
It's still hard, but once he has as ome where to live there's an end in fight. If you've got somewhere then that puts a time limit on it I guess... We've just been in limbo for nearly 3 months.

Urgh. DH is working from home today and tomorrow.. I hate it, I've got so used to having the day to myself, not having to tiptoe around him. Weekends are horrible and now I've had a 4 day weekend forced on me. He's working at least but it means I don't feel I can just do whatever I want, I have to be quiet.
He's looking at two houses today at least but I've no doubt once he's seen them he will have another massive slump. So then we all deal with the moods all weekend.
Today the DCs went off to school and dd off for a day with her grandparents and he didn't even say goodbye, have a nice day etc.
He's just constantly in his own world, with no thought for anyone else. I just don't get it at all.

Well, he knows. He’s pushing for couples counselling but I’ve said no. Been there before and it’s only Ever been a token gesture to placate me and put me back in my box, nothing ever changes and he gives up after a few sessions. Of course, it would be different this time...ten years you’ve had to work on this and not bothered.

So I keep telling him no.

Stick to your guns, or tell him that you'd go but only to discuss splitting up, like mediation.
I felt increasingly resentful of counselling as he just said all the things he should have been saying years before.. It took him sitting in front of someone else to acknowledge that I did everything? Fuck that.
He's panicking, because he is seeing that you mean it this time. You've done the worst bit, honestly. Well done!

It is so hard to stay strong in this situation. My dh has finally viewed a property but is now fully in lovely husband mode. I know it won't last but it makes me feel so guilty. He doesn't seem to understand that this isn't something I want, but is all that we're left with.

We did counselling (after he eventually agreed to go when I didn't go back in my box) and he said all the right things in joint sessions. He gave up after a few though and suggested I go on my own, as it was me with the problem. .
He just doesn't hear me. I have been telling him for almost a year now how I feel and why I feel that way and he just doesn't get it.
I think he fully believes that if he throws me the usual crumbs things will go back to 'normal', but that's really not good enough this time