Building up courage to leave - support thread

[myotherface]

Hi everyone,

Just seeing if anyone wants to get together to support each other in difficult relationships thinking about divorce but not quite having the courage for it yet.

I've been married for 10ish years. 3 primary aged DC. First three years together before children were amazing. The past 10 have been rocky to say the least. DH was emotionally abusive throughout a big chunk of that although I still feel he hasn't done it on purpose. I've gone through cycles of saying I'll leave, him being tearful and begging me not to and then eventually turning it all so that everything is my fault. Lots of arguing all throughout the years (can't even think what all this has done to the kids). Episodes of my depression with one of them ending me in hospital.

I've had loads of therapy, worked on myself and what I want from life. I've realised I only have one life and decided I don't need to stay married to a person I don't like. I expect it's going to be unbelievable difficult as he will oppose the divorce with all he's got. I'm going to need support and people who will remind me why I want this in the first place.

Whether you're nowhere near thinking about divorce and have only just started opening your eyes to abuse or even just your own unhappiness in the relationship. Or whether you've already ordered the divorce papers. Please join me and we'll support each other through this. There's got to be a happier life on the other side of this.

@takethegirloutofscotland I went into counselling feeling like that.

6 sessions, by the 3rd I knew, I had a separate session with the counsellor and told her how I felt, she supported me to tell him the following week. We had an individual session each after that, just to talk through it all. I cried during every session, I'm crying every time I bring it up or have to tell someone new... But, it's the fear of it all changing, sadness that we didn't work out, sad that my children won't have the same standard of living because they'll be with me, probably scrimping and saving.
I'll make sure they don't know that though, that they have fun, and affection and love, which is what they weren't seeing between us. It's so difficult all the mixed feelings but I found the sessions helped and writing it down helped too.

He was devastated when I told him and told me he wanted to keep trying... A week later he said he was done trying and accepted it. All the things he decided to do to make things better, I found a list he'd made, none of them happened. He just gave up.
I feel bad because I didn't want to continue trying, in the end, but then he didn't really want to either, he's not really tried particularly hard.

Not that I wanted him to beg or plead or fight for us or whatever, because I found it made me feel cringy and the kisses etc just made me get the ick... but he did just accept it, and agreed he was feeling the same, although he wasn't really as far along as me, he'd been unhappy for years. I think now his unhappiness is probably down to deep down knowing that I didn't feel as strongly about him and my constant sniping, it's also his personality to bury his head and not talk about issues.
But, ultimately the counselling helped him to see what he'd been doing that broke us up and me too. I'm hoping now I can make sure I don't take that into another relationship, or actually that I don't respond to him the same way when we are Co parenting.

So I guess go into it open minded but don't let guilt, responsibility, fear etc, hold you back from how you really feel.

Tired today. Not been sleeping too well, bad dreams where I'm trying to escape from Ex. He is being a pompous arse and irritatingly not responding to emails about divorce. Really hoping the new Divorce and Dissolution Act is rushed through.
Ho hum. Onwards and upwards.

thanks takethegirloutofscotland I;m just not sure what to send? Will have to have a think about it. I am so pleased your counselling session went well I think sometimes it just helps to give a bit of clarity to things. I am sure that eventually you will both come to the right decision as hard and sad as that may be :(

Stegasarusmum You have done amazingly well and you should be extremely proud of yourself. You sound like a very strong woman which I am sure will get you through the difficult times and you have your children as a focus :) Be kind to yourself take every day as it comes and know that we are here for you.

weetabixandcrumpets So sorry you've not slept well its horrible when you don't get your sleep :( Could you maybe just have some time without contact with him and just let him get on with it per se? This sounds like his way of controlling the situation which is unfair to be honest and completely not the mature adult attitude :( Be kind to yourself hun and try and get some rest.

I didn't wake up until 11.20 this morning :( couldn't believe it its the longest I've slept for weeks but my back is agony and I think the pain killlers are wiping me out :( My daughter is coming up today so I'm really excited about that and sooo looking forward to seeing her :)

Hugs everyone xxx

@Diabetes123 Thanks . I think you're right. He does use contact to try to control me. Deliberately ignoring important messages about finances and arrangements about DS because he knows it drives me nuts. Then bombarding me with messages when he is drunk or bored. I am learning to just take a deep breath, carry on regardless and not engage with the rants.
Sorry your back is still so painful, but glad eldest DD is coming round. That's super.

Interesting to hear your experiences of counselling @Stegasaurusmum and @takethegirloutofscotland. We went to Relate but it didn't go to well. Then DH had his own organised by GP which seemed good initially but then led to a heck of a lot of weirdness. I didn't have the money, but ended up at Women's Aid feeling like a fraud but ended up telling all the details to one of the kindest people I ever met, who was appalled at how I'd been treated. That was a pivotal moment. I'd always minimised and 'coped' with everything, but to hear this woman gently explain to me that it was abuse and they were on my side, whilst I wept unattractively into a big pile of tissues, was a defining moment in my life. I have rarely felt so protected and nurtured.

Weetabixandcrumpets I think you need to perhaps give him a taste of his own medicine. Minimal contact, concentrate on the important things finances etc and ignore the rants :) he sounds like an utter dickhead! (sorry) :(

Sounds also like you have been through a lot emotionally and you just need time to process what's happened :) I am beginning to learn that there is no rush take things slowly and at your own pace. I really hope that things get better for you :) You got this :)

I have had a lovely time with my DD. We had a coffee and a lovely chat about things (tried to keep it as light as possible and not talk about the situation). She sorted my washing bless her and made me some lunch as I literally cant do anything for my back it is soo painful and I'm waiting for the GP to ring me back :(

My DH came to pick DD up and he was so lovely we had a little chat on the doorstep and I just felt the calmness of him (that sounds weird) but he is always so hyper and serious :( I even felt a glimmer of hope that things could perhaps work out between us :) However we both agree that at the moment we need to take each day as it comes and take things slowly :) Progress however small is something I suppose :) Just wish my back would ease in agony :(

Hugs everyone :) :) :)

Aha, the thread that I need!

Will read through and post once I've caught up.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria welcome :)

@Diabetes123 Yes, everything takes its own time, you're right (again!).
So glad you had a nice afternoon and it sounds like you have a lot to think about. I'll keep my fingers crossed for your back pain to go.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria Welcome from me too. They're a nice bunch here!

Can I join? Ten years into a relationship (not married) two kids. Have wanted to leave for YEARS but have struggled with logistics and finances. It has taken me a long time to get the courage but I’m out of here soon. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with money as I only work part time but this lovely house has become a cage and I’ve seen the light, that everything I’m going to have to leave behind is just STUFF and it isn’t making me happy. We’ve been through two lots of relationship
Counselling and it made not a bloody joy of difference, he goes for a brief time to placate me then stops going and nothing changes. I told him several months ago I was done and true to form he made a load of empty promises then assumed he’d got his own way and everything was ok again but I never stopped planning. I’ve had to take a bit of a creative approach to housing and I know he’s going to go mental when I tell him I’m definitely off this time and I do t think the kids are going to take it well at all but I’m determined and resolute. Another month or two and hopefully restrictions will have eased enough for me to leave. I’m scared but I cannot WAIT.

I’d have already left by now if it wasn’t for lockdown. I’d planned to move on the 1st of May!

Welcome @PickledLilly @vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I've had a couple days of feeling really unsure again the FOG sweeping in again and reflecting on our initial counselling session just thinking how difficult the future is going to be
My DH is soooo sad at the thought of us separating said he would have to move away as couldn't bare to see me moving on!
I have no intention of moving on in the near future and worry where that leaves his kids if he moves away!

Pickledlilly Bless you its very tough darling but you have made the first steps and everything after this is just another hurdle that you will get over :) I promise :) Hang in there you got this :) x

weetabixandcrumpets Have you thought about some individual counselling or have you already tried that? I'm just thinking its given me great perspective on just taking each day at a time and being kind to myself :) Just remember that things cannot get any worse its all up from here but I know that's easier said than done :(

takethegirloutofscotland :( poor you its awful that conflict within you I know believe me and I still have a little bit of that :( you just have to keep telling yourself that you would never have done any of this without clear reasons. Like weetabixandcrumpets what about some individual counselling? Not my place to say but I truly believe having some space and time away from each other does you the world of good and gives you time to puts things into perspective :) You will eventually come to the right conclusion hunny honestly. I know youre DH is sad and that brings with it guilt for you but you cannot harbour everyone elses emotions as well as your own and remember that this may not be a bad thing for either of you you could both well be a lot happier apart. Stay strong my lovely :):):)

I have asked my husband to leave me alone for a month, obviously, we are in the same house during lockdown and we are shielding as one of our kids has long term health issues.

There isn't actually any difference in our day to day lives with this pseudo separation anyway - apart from that I will eat separately so he'll spend time with the kids at dinner. It seems to be working.

He is confused and angry. I have been telling him for a decade that he needs to participate in family life and pay some attention to me, and he made the choices he did. and now, I'd rather be alone than with someone who dismisses me.

The kids, teenagers, seem fine. They see what goes on and understand that their dad is fundamentally selfish. He's their dad, they don't know any different.

I feel quite good, trying to appease him has been a total time suck. IT's going to be an interesting month.

@Diabetes123 I have been lucky enough to have a very good friend who has been able to endlessly listen and calmly talk me through my ups and downs and I really feel better about things now, though it has taken a year. I think it is such a rollercoaster and @takethegirloutofscotland , it is hard when those feelings overwhelm you. I know exactly what you mean. I look at the person who expected me to always be there and feel a huge sense of having let everybody down. The guilt is awful, but then I put it into perspective by remembering how I tried and tried to get him to change his behaviour for years and how he continued being an utter git even when I was sobbing and pleading with him. Everybody's situation and relationship is different and only you know what is the right way ahead for you. Sometimes, a separation leads to reconciliation which is fantastic, not in my case, although I truly believe my life would be in danger if I went back. He is not a stable man when it comes to me and he is not a nice drunk. The combination of this with his increased insecurity and unending desire to control could be tragic. I don't want to go back either! The switch has gone off, the spark has gone and I feel absolutely no physical attraction any more. We want very different things out of life and I am doing things I always wanted to now. Despite the fact he has been a complete bastard at times (and still is on and off), I actually hope he has a bright future.

@PickledLilly Hello I hope it all works out for you, your anticipation of better times and relief is palpable. Even if this is absolutely the right thing for everyone, do be prepared for some very hard times; it is emotionally gruelling for everyone and you will need your friends (real and virtual!) x

@PickledLilly, I agree by the way, it is only 'stuff'. I am appreciating what is really important now.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria that sounds tense, it is hard being in the same house like that. xx

Thank you everyone! I know I’m making the right decision to leave but I’m worried about the confrontation and drama when he realises I’m actually going this time. I know he’s going to be devastated but I just can’t do this anymore and I’m not responsible for his happiness. It’s going to be hard and I don’t think the kids are going to take it well at all as they’re still quite young (nearly 7 and 4) but I know I can’t go on as I am, I HAVE to leave.

Is anyone else holding back on leaving because of the kids? I have one aged 6 and he will be devastated, he’s pretty sensitive and I’m scared at how badly he will take it. There’s no arguing at home, but I’m so so miserable and I’m aware that we’re modelling this relationship for him with no love or care. Also neither of us earn enough to support ourselves and I can’t see a way out, I feel pretty desperate.

My eldest is nearly 7 and she’s not coped at all with lockdown so I am majorly worried about how she will manage us leaving. My strategy is to try to be really civil with their dad and allow him lots of access to the kids in the hope that will help it seem less scary for them. My youngest is nearly 4 and a total daddy’s boy so he’s going to find it tough but I’m hoping he’s young enough to still be quite adaptable. Last time I left my daughter was just a baby, I wish to god I hadn’t gone back then as she was too young to notice but I was living in my mum’s spare room with a baby and my German shepherd (long dead Now bless her) And just a suitcase of stuff and it seemed impossible so I went back. I felt like I had to give it a good go for her sake but another six years and an extra child down the line and I’m still unhappy and I can’t stay unhappy forever so that the kids get to stay in a nice house. I’m hoping that freedom will make me a happier, calmer person and therefore a better mum. I just can’t be a martyr forever for the sake of the kids, it’s not healthy and I don’t want them thinking this is how a relationship should look, I think in the long run, as hard as it’s going to be to cope financially on my own, it will teach my kids that women can be independent and strong and that seems like an important life lesson for when they’re older.

@pickledlilly I agree with everything you've said, it's so difficult when it's been 20 years for me of placating everyone and trying to please DH and jolly him as long, get him involved, etc and it's going to be a difficult habit to break.

@Maybeonedaysoon I'm so scared about telling the kids, I know I'll cry. If my older daughter asks why I don't know what to say. They aren't particularly attached to DH, but I think she will miss him most and probably feel mostly worried for him, especially as the way he's been behaving has been to mope, cry constantly and withdraw from them.
It's so tricky as DH is being reasonable and kind right now, taking part in chores and having the odd conversation which is all fine on the surface, so my brain just keeps saying well you could do this, you could live with this... But I can't, I'd be settling and I'd be miserable, on and off..I make him miserable too, sniping and being passive aggressive.... Its never awful all the time, I guess even in abusive relationships that could be true, there's enough good to make us stay.
Thing is it's the house, lifestyle, family moments that make me doubt it... Not my DH himself. There's no affection, no love or joy. I do feel a lot of responsibility for that, I withdrew, but then so did he, he's shut down emotionally and the damage has been done I think. I font want my children to see that, I want them to see me and him, in love with someone, enjoying their company, happy, laughing.. That's not happening with him.

Big weekend ahead, telling the kids, then the following weekend he will be getting the rental house, so it'll be packing the things up for him to take, which will be horrible.
Lots of big hurdles, but I'm just trying to take them one at a time.

Oh god, why. I didn’t even think of the kids asking why. Hopefully mine are young enough to be satisfied with a simple ‘mummy and daddy still love you but they don’t want to live together anymore’ I can’t get into the whys with anybody, especially children.

I’m very worried their dad will paint me as the bad guy to them though it want us all together but mummy is leaving’ type thing. Will have to have a word and hope he agrees to not badmouth me to the kids.

Morning girls

Hope everyone is okay.

pickledlilly and onedaysoon You will find the strength somehow to do what's right for you. Easier said than done I know believe me I've been there but human beings have a natural instinct to be resilient so although we know that a lot of hurt will be caused by our actions we can move on and be happy :) and that includes DH and children.

I'm obviously speaking from experience I am 5 weeks down the line and although I am still hurting, grieving and feeling guilty I know I've done the right thing :) In all honesty it was definitely what needed to happen for my DH to recognise his behaviour was unacceptable and that he needs to do something about his job as this is a big part of the problem (for him) as he struggles to find a balance between work/home life which I now know he has been incredibly stressed and that's rubbed off on the family. The fact that he's now aware is a big step forward for us and I'm hoping that through our individual counselling we can come together to do into marriage counselling and perhaps reconcile but we both know that's gonna take time and it may be that living apart is what's right for us right now.

I hope my advice helps I'm not an expert and obviously I'm still in the early days but I can honestly say that I feel happier, calmer and at peace with myself at the minute on my own with time/space to think and try to make the right decision :)

I definitely feel confident that it’s the right decision to leave, I know I need to go and I feel very certain about ending it. I have no interest at all in the charade of going through counselling again, in my head it’s definitely over and having been through all that before I know whatever promises he makes will never materialize long term.

What’s worrying me is the logistics and money of being responsible for two kids on my own. I know most of the practical stuff I can manage as I don’t get a lot of help from him anyway but I had planned on finding more work to up my income, I hadn’t planned for a massive recession and mass redundancies so I’m not sure what’s going to happen with that and it’s a big scary unknown that I just can’t plan for. I’ve just got to go for it and hope for the best but that’s really scary when you’re the only grown up in charge.

I’m really in awe of those of you that have found the strength to leave. I did try a couple of years ago and he just got really angry, called me a pathetic cunt and then I sort of gave up.

I just keep thinking is it selfish to leave and devastate my son, I’m so worried about the hurt it will cause him. I just try and think about how happy and peaceful I’ll feel if I’m free of him, surely that’s got to be a better environment for him to grow up in. I’m so tense and miserable all the time.

I'm having such a wobbly day. DH is being nice and normal, considerate even. He's happy enough as long as I don't mention the split, then gets all down.
He's getting the house in 2 weeks and we have to tell the kids tomorrow to give them time.
I have a wobble after every big step though, then I feel relief, then wobble... I think I just have to recognise its fear and regret, sadness, doesn't mean we are good together.
@maybeonedaysoon to my eternal shame, the only thing that's given me the strength to leave is another man. I feel terrible about it but he made me realise just what I was missing and what I could have.
Without him I might have stayed years more, with this unhappiness and these feelings under the surface constantly.