Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

He has not lied. He has decided not to tell the OP. Which is his right.

Absolute bollocks.

If you're in s serious relationship with someone, whose life could be affected by you having a child that you have to pay for and who could come looking for you .. you should tell them.

You should also tell them as a basic fact about yourself.

It's not irrelevant .. on several fronts it's not irrelevant.

It doesn't say good things about him at all.

It says "I didn't want this to happen (even though I took the risk by not using a condom and by having sex full stop) so I'm going to pretend it didn't happen, to myself and any prospective partner.

Meanwhile there's a child out there with half his genes, whom he (half) created .. not knowing their biological dad and apparently in an unstable family environment.

The double standards on here are ridiculous- a man has sex and it's " he knew what he was doing so needs to take responsibility any child"

A woman on the other hand can have an abortion as mistakes happen, or they may not be ready etc.

He made it clear he did not want the child, she ignored him and he continued to pay maintenance.

By many of your reasoning a woman shouldn't be able to put a child up for adoption as they knew what they were doing when they had sex and should stay in their life and take responsibility- but of course that wouldn't be said as in many opinions it only applies to men!

His attitude to his child has basically been "fuck them" .. it would be interesting to know if he even paid child maintenance voluntarily.
As a poster said 600 is high, my dp is in a pretty good salary and apparently he'd have to pay less than that in cm.

A woman can have an abortion (and can have her child adopted I'd she wishes since you raised it) .. a man cannot force her to do either.

On the flip side, a woman cannot make.a man do anything for the child they both created other than pay some maintenance (and many avoid doing so), she's left literally holding the baby and taking full responsibility alone if she chooses to continue the pregnancy.

That's not double standards, it's a statement of facts in our current system.

Hi Op! Again can I ask about the amount he pays. £600 is a heck of a lot. Means he’s earning over £65,000 a year. Does that sound right?

I’m not sure it necessarily damages children not to have a father. As long as there’s no damage to the way the mother can parent the child (ie anger and resentment of the man being passed to the child).

However I still think it’s odd it’s not been discussed earlier on. I mean “ I was young and a idiot, I don’t see my child but I pay” is fine. At some point if you were living together he’d have to explain a big chunk of money leaving his account. So I guess he wasn’t planning that, before you rumbled him.

My ex as I said wasn’t a bad man and I still have no answer to why he doesn’t see his son. However all his family know ( and have seen the DNA test). Do you see any of his family Op. Could you ask them about it?

Since that's his it stands, it's up to women to know that if they don't protect themselves against pregnancy (and that there is no such thing as perfect protection) they face either having a termination (or adoption) or raising a child alone (which is a fkg tough gig).

Likewise it's up to men to know that if they don't protect themselves against pregnancy, and the mother to be chooses not to have an abortion or go for adoption, that they will be liable for child maintenance and that they have a child/are a father whether they see them or not.

There'd a separate issue of how ethical it is to never see or take any part in their child's life .... I agree with those who think it's unethical and irresponsible.

I would be concerned he didn't tell you but I understand why. With regards to obligations to the child - I think he fulfils them. He didn't want it, he made that clear, he provides financially. This is no different from adoption in fact he is providing better than many fathers who jointly agreed with their partner to have children. I don't see that as an issue

What butterfly wings said

It’s not double standards it’s biolgy. A woman can’t (or shouldn’t) be forced to have a termination against her will just as she can’t (or shouldn’t) be forced to go through with a pregnancy against her will either. A pregnancy takes place in her body, has implications for her future health, career etc. Likewise it’s her that would have to go through with the termination and deal with the physical and emotional repercussions. It has to be her decision. It might seem ‘unfair’ but there’s no other way it could work.

If she decides to proceed with the pregnancy then there’s a child in the world that they’re both responsible for creating. A living, breathing human being. If you think it’s fine for a man to just shrug that off like ‘well I didn’t want it anyway’ then that’s on you, but I could never be with someone so unfeeling or callous. Financial support is the minimum the child is entitled to, I don’t think the fact he’s met that requirement makes him a prince amongst men.

And it’s nothing like adoption. People give children up for adoption because they want them to have a better life than what they can provide. There’s processes and checks in place to try and ensure the baby ends up with fit parents. This guy has painted the mother of his child as toxic and crazy and yet seemingly happily abandoned the child to be raised by such a chaotic and unfit individual- in fact he seems to think the fact she’s allegedly so terrible is his excuse to not give a fuck about the child he created.

And I don’t really buy age as an excuse either. My nephew found out he was going to be a father at 19, he didn’t want it, panicked, stuck his head in the sand etc. But ultimately he grew up, 10 years on he’s a devoted and involved dad rather than just paying for the problem to go away.

Actually, people also give up children for adoption because they don’t want children and don’t want to parent. Without the mother’s consent he can’t place the child for adoption, so he’s done what he can in that situation and walked away. There’s no substantial difference.

It is forcing your standards on somebody else and deciding if x does such a thing that's not acceptable to me. Fine that's their choice but the other person is allowed a choice too. A lot of people don't agree with choices others make like . Having an abortion, having multiple sexual partners, having an affair and so on and might not accept that in a future partner's past.

@Butterflywings1

*The double standards on here are ridiculous- a man has sex and it's " he knew what he was doing so needs to take responsibility any child"

A woman on the other hand can have an abortion as mistakes happen, or they may not be ready etc.

He made it clear he did not want the child, she ignored him and he continued to pay maintenance.

By many of your reasoning a woman shouldn't be able to put a child up for adoption as they knew what they were doing when they had sex and should stay in their life and take responsibility- but of course that wouldn't be said as in many opinions it only applies to men!*

Completely agree with this. Absolutely double standards!

Of course it is totally double standards. Nothing else. A man would be absolutely torn to shreds on here if he said he ended a relationship because the woman had an abortion ten years ago.

So many people here defending a man’s right to choose to have consequence free sex.

Compared to a child’s right to know and cared for by their father.

It’s very sad how little some people care about children.

@Viviennemarie

Spot on!

The mother made a choice to go ahead with a pregnancy that resulted from a one night stand/FWB whatever. What it clearly wasn’t, was a loving and committed relationship.

She knew from the outset that she’s have to bring the baby up alone as a single parent. She decided to go down that route and fair enough, there are plenty of fantastic single parents- but generally they are because of broken down relationships rather than knowing from the outset.

Everyone is slagging off the man for not considering the child (and yes it is a shame for the child absolutely) but why shouldn’t the mother be held accountable for choosing to bring a child in to the world in such circumstances? If she knew he wasn’t going to be around then did she not think of how the child would feel when it was older?

The child is the loser in all of this. I wouldn’t disagree he was selfish but imo so was the woman!!

Something twisted about your thinking @Viviennemary. There is a ten year old child here who you think the father, who didn't use a condom, has a right to abandon.

Children have rights.
Parents have responsibilities.

A family member met a man who she found out several months into the relationship had a child. He admitted it when asked but hadn't revealed it on his own. It was from a girl at school when they were 17/18, they'd never been in a relationship. While he financially supported the child from the start he otherwise had nothing to do with them. At the time the child was about 12 years old and lived abroad.

Flash forward 10 years - at my relative's encouragement the man reconnected with his child, with whom he now has a strong relationship. Relative and the man got married, have their own DCs, for whom he is an involved father. All the DCs consider themselves brother/sister (no use of the term "half").

A situation like this involves many shades of grey and to completely end an otherwise good relationship over it without further discussion would be a mistake in my opinion.

So somebody who doesn't agree with you has twisted thinking. Says it all.

He may not see the child but he is providing which is more than others can say. It’s not great that he didn’t tell you but I can see why he might not have.

I had our eldest when I was 17, she’s not my husband’s on paper. I sometimes feel guilty on her Dad as he had no choice in the pregnancy, at the time he was happy to proceed but if he wasn’t the selfish 17 year old me would have kept her anyway, men have little control and it is very much one sided, women can make men’s lives hell if they choose.

Luckily we have a really good relationship, both remarried, his wife is lovely and his Mum and Dad are Nana and Granddad to all of our girls, we just see them as extended family, but it’s not always the case.

Our daughter on the other hand had abandonment issues with her Dad (he had to move away for work for a few years) and I feel responsible, it was all about me and my body at 17, I gave no thought to the impact on everyone else years down the line and should have done more for them to maintain a better relationship. Since he moved back, things improved.

Anyway all I will say is I’m glad we’ve got girls. If a woman wants a baby it’s very easy for her to get pregnant and hold the man to ransom for years whether he wanted the baby or not.

Not “double standards” at all: respect for women’s bodily autonomy.

And holding the view that the needs and interests of DC are more important than the wishes of biological fathers, eg to have no contact/do no parenting.

scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me!

I'm very sorry, you don't have the perfect man. You have built a fantasy between you.

This happened to me, so I know I'm projecting from my own experience. Once you have lost trust in his honesty, there isn't anywhere good for the relationship to go.

Best cut your losses, the sooner and faster the better.

being involved isn’t worth the sht he gets off her.

This is part of the same pattern, just ignoring the parts he doesn't like and hope it goes away.

Oh @StealthMama oh please don't encourage great women to throw away their lives trying to rescue men who have already shown that they are not worth it

*Not “double standards” at all: respect for women’s bodily autonomy.

And holding the view that the needs and interests of DC are more important than the wishes of biological fathers, eg to have no contact/do no parenting.*

Exactly.

I’m perfectly happy with my standards. I’d judge a woman who chose to ignore her living, existing child, to leave that child with someone they saw as crazy, toxic and unfit but think it was fine not to try and provide a more stable or positive influence because they just wanted a (probably condom free) shag and hey, they never wanted a kid anyway so not their problem right? I’d judge that woman even if she provided financial support (although less than I’d judge a parent who didn’t even bother with that). I’d judge them if they chose not to tell a new partner this huge thing about themselves that may yet have consequences for the future. I’d judge them if they said it was ok though they’d be a better mother to any future children because they actually wanted that child. Any parent who did the above is a pretty shitty human in my book, male or female, zero double standards there.

Do we know this man didn't wear a condom ?